Why do I still feel it was meant to be?

[wheelwright]

I am a MW who had an affair with a MM.

 

4 months NC. After DDay.

 

I want to know why it felt so right. (I know what it's like when it doesn't).

 

I am still looking for signs that we will be together. Still wondering if I should leave my marriage because love should feel like it was with MM.

 

Can love be unrequited? Why would someone not choose love?

 

I think I got involved with magical thinking in my affair. But time and time again fate played us hands which put us together. It took a lot of will on his part to begin NC.

 

I feel like going back to a normal life is impossible. I know people talk about affair fog, but this was love not fog.

 

I am confused. It felt 100% right and I don't know what to do with that feeling. Can it feel like that if wrong?

[jj33]

I think it depends on what you mean by right and wrong.

 

It could be that it was right insofar as it was the right sort of person for you, the right chemistry, the right mix of values etc etc etc and that if you were both single you would choose each other over your spouses if you had a choice to make without breaking up your families.

 

But it could still be wrong insofar as right as it felt, given the fact that you both are married, neither or one of you is not willing to disturb the status quo to pursue the relationshp on a full time basis.

 

Love doesnt always conquer all. But that doesnt mean that the relationship was wrong. It just means that there are other variables that mean that you cant pursue it any further.

 

I know that is difficult. For a long time I thought that it would work out. More than a year after it ended MM came back and said what we had was really special and right -- but he still wasnt ready to leave so ??

 

Nowhere to go with that. So in the end it doesnt matter that it was "right. The fact is, it has nowhere to go and so the relationship is DNR. (do not resuscitate)

 

I try to tell myself that its great to know that I can experience a love like that and that maybe I will find that with someone single.

 

But in your case, unless you leave your marriage you will never have hte opportunity to do that because any relationshp will start as an A with all the complications that go along with that.

[Angel1111]

I'm sure the love was right and I'm sure it was real. But here's the tough part - most men will choose many things over love - like family, money, and their reputation. It happens all the time. The reason is because men do not put the same value on love that women do. I've seen this over and over again and because men are geared to think that they aren't men unless they're taking care of their responsibilities, it's not at all easy for them to walk away from a marriage just because they're in love with someone else. They will cheat on their spouse and think about how miserable they are, but they rarely walk away. It took a LONG time for me to wrap my head around this but now I totally get it.

 

It is far easier for a woman to make the choice to leave a marriage when they love someone else, and that's why more women leave marriages than men. It's also why more men cheat, because they feel trapped when they're unhappy. Women are not looked down on for walking away from a marriage in the same way that men are. But women are looked down on if they walk away from their children. It's kind of the same thing for a man when he walks away from his marriage.

 

You're struggling with this because you think that he thinks and feels the way you do, that he reasons the same way that you do. You're thinking that he won't be able to take it, that he won't be able to stay in his marriage when the two of you had something so wonderful. But I'm here to tell you that, yes, he can and he probably will. That's not to say that he doesn't love you immensely. It's just that he would feel incredibly selfish for making the decision to walk away from his responsibilities for someone he desires. Whatever decision you make about your marriage, it cannot be based on what you think or hope your xMM might do. Because chances are, he won't do anything, except possibly try to start up the affair again with you. His heart is probably breaking but it won't matter.

[fooled once]

I am a MW who had an affair with a MM.

 

4 months NC. After DDay.

 

I want to know why it felt so right. (I know what it's like when it doesn't).

 

I am still looking for signs that we will be together. Still wondering if I should leave my marriage because love should feel like it was with MM.

 

Can love be unrequited? Why would someone not choose love?

 

I think I got involved with magical thinking in my affair. But time and time again fate played us hands which put us together. It took a lot of will on his part to begin NC.

 

I feel like going back to a normal life is impossible. I know people talk about affair fog, but this was love not fog.

 

I am confused. It felt 100% right and I don't know what to do with that feeling. Can it feel like that if wrong?

 

No two loves are the same. Love is different with each person.

 

Of course love can be wrong. We pick people to love that we shouldn't have. But we learn from them.

 

Sounds like you have no desire to be married to your H; but you are waiting to see if the MM comes back for you first. Sounds like your H is definitely 2nd choice, which is sad for him. I am guessing he doesn't know about the affair?

 

We can chose who we love. I don't believe it is real love until you know the person fully and IMHO, you can't know a person fully when you are sneaking around.

 

I do believe in affair fog. That doesn't mean the feelings aren't real, but it means to me, you are not dealing with 'reality' per say. You are caught up in the excitement, the sneaking around, the not wanting to get caught, the thrill of it all.

 

It isn't like dating a single person.

 

I am guessing the MM you were dating chose his wife and family. But you are waiting around to see if he decides to leave that? Or are you waiting around for the kids to grow up and then he will leave?

 

So 4 months later, you are still waiting around for him?

 

I hope you figure out what YOU want and not wait around for some man to decide if he wants you or not.

 

Sometimes, love is not enough.

 

Good luck!

[JumpinJimmy]

Well WW, I'm not going to brow beat you about the wrong you're doing since many other posters will take care of that and I am sure you know what is wrong about it anyway. I will say that all this fate and mystical "we were meant to be together" is just a crappy justification to do what it is that you're doing. What you consider signs and fate are you just seeing what you want to see. There also is no such thing as magic, karma and luck..... there is just preparation meeting opportunity.

[NowhereToHide]

Well WW, I'm not going to brow beat you about the wrong you're doing since many other posters will take care of that and I am sure you know what is wrong about it anyway. I will say that all this fate and mystical "we were meant to be together" is just a crappy justification to do what it is that you're doing. What you consider signs and fate are you just seeing what you want to see. There also is no such thing as magic, karma and luck..... there is just preparation meeting opportunity.

 

Wow, Jimmy. This is a great post, seriously. You are absolutely right.

 

There is no fate, no mystical love. Preparation meeting opportunity. I'm going to remember that when I'm sad about my xAP.

 

Thank you!

[boldjack]

<<<<<<jimmy!!!>>>>>>

[jwi71]

You each made your choices....you left your H and your MM stayed with his W.

Ignore his words...they are easily lies. Look at what he does...he stayed.

 

He DID choose love. His W.

 

I'm sorry...but that's what he DID. And continues to do.

 

Sell your home, file for D and maybe begin IC. Look inward. Heal.

 

You WILL be happy again. And in time...I think you will see what your MM is really like...a liar and a cheat (he says he loves you then stays home...get the idea...).

[wheelwright]

'It could be that it was right insofar as it was the right sort of person for you, the right chemistry, the right mix of values etc etc etc and that if you were both single you would choose each other over your spouses if you had a choice to make without breaking up your families.'

Thanks JJ for this comment. It totally crystalises things for me. Both you and Angel1111 have given me food for thought. I think it's something MM tried to tell me.

 

DDay was coming clean with both BSs.

 

LS is helping me realise I can go on after this. I am sad and bereft, but no longer in the depths of despair. It is so good to 'talk' to people who have been through similar.

[Jacky]

I am a MW who had an affair with a MM.

 

4 months NC. After DDay.

 

I want to know why it felt so right. (I know what it's like when it doesn't).

 

I am still looking for signs that we will be together. Still wondering if I should leave my marriage because love should feel like it was with MM.

 

Can love be unrequited? Why would someone not choose love?

 

I think I got involved with magical thinking in my affair. But time and time again fate played us hands which put us together. It took a lot of will on his part to begin NC.

 

I feel like going back to a normal life is impossible. I know people talk about affair fog, but this was love not fog.

 

I am confused. It felt 100% right and I don't know what to do with that feeling. Can it feel like that if wrong?

 

Well done with the NC, it is very difficult. I think when you meet the person which you "click" with, it will feel right. When I am with my MW, it feels like we are connected and the chemistry between us is undescribable. I am assuming this is the same with you.

 

Whether you want to leave your marriage is up to you but be warned that if for whatever reason it is that he doesn't want to leave his marriage. You would be in an awkward situation.

 

I don't think love can be unrequited because it is a feeling however maybe the feeling will disappear after time or certain experience. I got told by my MW, she does love me but when there are respondsibility the case is different. That could be the reason why he chose not to "persue" the love. Also if a person weights up what he might lose, they might also not persue the love due the fear of change, being alone or having to rebuild and start fresh.

 

Fate can be with you or against you, in my case fate was with me when we started then turned against me when she got pregnant. I thought fate gave me the best thing in my life and then it was taken away from me.

 

Maybe it is an affair fog or love, you will find out when the time comes. Because peronsally I think when you are able to move on and get back into your M you will think it is an affair fog.

 

Don't judge the emotion for it being right or wrong because I personally don't think you can judge an emotion. You love a person, persue that feeling. If you truly love your H and your H treats you correctly, you wouldn't have a chance to love somebody else. Some people are strong enough to leave things behind, some aren't. It just means your MM chose family love instead of romantic love, assuming that he is not lying to you.

Edited October 21, 2009 by Jacky

[whichwayisup]

Bottomline is this: If it was meant to be, you would have divorced your H and he would have divorced his W, then you two could be together, start a new life.

Don't judge the emotion for it being right or wrong because I personally don't think you can judge an emotion.

 

But the emotion can be controlled and not be put into action. She can love him all she wants, but IF she wants a second chance at fixing her marriage, keeping her family together under one roof as one unit - Then she MUST to all that is necessary to STOP thinking/wanting/missing/loving exMM. She has to actively change her thought patterns and first her husband and kids first. And, do counselling alone, and with her H.

[emmy]

I think it depends on what you mean by right and wrong.

 

It could be that it was right insofar as it was the right sort of person for you, the right chemistry, the right mix of values etc etc etc and that if you were both single you would choose each other over your spouses if you had a choice to make without breaking up your families.

 

But it could still be wrong insofar as right as it felt, given the fact that you both are married, neither or one of you is not willing to disturb the status quo to pursue the relationshp on a full time basis.

 

Love doesnt always conquer all. But that doesnt mean that the relationship was wrong. It just means that there are other variables that mean that you cant pursue it any further.

 

I know that is difficult. For a long time I thought that it would work out. More than a year after it ended MM came back and said what we had was really special and right -- but he still wasnt ready to leave so ??

 

Nowhere to go with that. So in the end it doesnt matter that it was "right. The fact is, it has nowhere to go and so the relationship is DNR. (do not resuscitate)

 

I try to tell myself that its great to know that I can experience a love like that and that maybe I will find that with someone single.

 

But in your case, unless you leave your marriage you will never have hte opportunity to do that because any relationshp will start as an A with all the complications that go along with that.

 

This is probably the soundest and most useful thing I've read on LS. Very well put! I was thinking the same thing, as me and my 'MM' were ridiculously compatible in so many ways, something he admitted, even after it was over. Yes, you may well be made for each other, and in another life, would have met each other as singletons. But the current circumstances cancel that out. As long as one or both of you isn't/aren't prepared to make the break from the marriage it will always just ultimately be an affair and that is rarely the path of true love, it seems!

[MaureyL]

This is exactly how I felt during my A.. astrologically, karmically, whatever. And you are all right about this affair fog. We did get on brilliantly together, we were really compatible, we did have an amazing time together that meant a lot to both of us and I know in my heart that we loved one another deeply. But my AP made choices that meant that the relationship couldn't continue and that's that. And yes, if I'm honest I did believe that we were so fantastic together, so in tune that he couldn't bear to be with his girlfriend any longer. Ha ha...

 

I just wish I wasn't so competitive with my fantasy of his girlfriend, of their life together. I wish that I could truly let him go from my heart with good wishes and a hope for a happy life together. Instead I dream that she falls off a cliff and I swoop in for the kill-- not nice at all. I know that he loves his girlfriend and he wants it to work out for them. And I have plenty to keep me busy and fulfilled here on the other side of the world. So now I just have to work on letting go of the competitive stuff... trying to be patient.

 

xMaurey

[White Flower]

I'm sure the love was right and I'm sure it was real. But here's the tough part - most men will choose many things over love - like family, money, and their reputation. It happens all the time. The reason is because men do not put the same value on love that women do. I've seen this over and over again and because men are geared to think that they aren't men unless they're taking care of their responsibilities, it's not at all easy for them to walk away from a marriage just because they're in love with someone else. They will cheat on their spouse and think about how miserable they are, but they rarely walk away. It took a LONG time for me to wrap my head around this but now I totally get it.

 

It is far easier for a woman to make the choice to leave a marriage when they love someone else, and that's why more women leave marriages than men. It's also why more men cheat, because they feel trapped when they're unhappy. Women are not looked down on for walking away from a marriage in the same way that men are. But women are looked down on if they walk away from their children. It's kind of the same thing for a man when he walks away from his marriage.

 

You're struggling with this because you think that he thinks and feels the way you do, that he reasons the same way that you do. You're thinking that he won't be able to take it, that he won't be able to stay in his marriage when the two of you had something so wonderful. But I'm here to tell you that, yes, he can and he probably will. That's not to say that he doesn't love you immensely. It's just that he would feel incredibly selfish for making the decision to walk away from his responsibilities for someone he desires. Whatever decision you make about your marriage, it cannot be based on what you think or hope your xMM might do. Because chances are, he won't do anything, except possibly try to start up the affair again with you. His heart is probably breaking but it won't matter.

You have made a really good point. I would like to add that most MM feel a sense of duty, so they stay for altruistic reasons in an effort to escape guilt. Jennie-jennie started a thread called, Different ways of ending an EMR , which you should read. She states the following:

Interesting reading from the book Sex and Love by Francesco Alberoni, professor in sociology:

 

"4. Relinquishing your hold

 

I thought I copy and pasted the post but I didn't. I'll go back and get it.

[White Flower]

Here it is: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t198627/

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why would someone not choose love?

 

 

Because sometimes people find it better to choose what is easier and what will hurt the least amount of people.

 

As for why it feels so right, what you are feeling is the mirror image of what feels so wrong inside of you and in your life. As long as you are unhappy inside, and unhappy with what you have - the 'escape' from it will seem ideal, like it was 'meant to be'. I suspect you feel trapped inside of yourself and inside of your life, and you were looking at this affair from behind those bars wishing you could be free.

 

The kicker of it all is that if you and he were suddenly free of your 'prisons', the ideal wouldn't seem so ideal anymore. Is freedom ever sweeter than when you are trapped?

 

Think of it this way: when a prisoner looks out of his barred windows, all he can think about is how great it would be to be free again. You know what happens when a prisoner is released? He is faced with an uphill battle: unemployment, having to form a new life from nothing, few people will trust him, it is hard to make a living. Suddenly freedom becomes a nightmare and a good deal of ex prisoners spiral down when it becomes clear that the freedom in their head was only an illusion and in reality, it sucks for them when they first get out. They can rehab over time, but the shock of freedom is nearly never that great.

 

That shock that hits you when you spring out of marriage: you realize that you are severing your history, your family, your extended family, your traditions, your home, everything - and you find yourself with the equivalent of a stranger beside you trying to cobble a life out of two destroyed families. It is not easy. Trust me.

 

You have to think long and hard about your 'ideal', and realize that sometimes what you are looking for is not really out there. It is inside of you, and needs to be repaired from the inside out. Unrequited love, I am finding is not much more than a misdirected yearning for something that is missing inside of yourself.

[wheelwright]

I have read the thread you directed me too. It has sent me spinning. Lots to think about. Thank you for the tip and your comments.

 

'That shock that hits you when you spring out of marriage: you realize that you are severing your history, your family, your extended family, your traditions, your home, everything - and you find yourself with the equivalent of a stranger beside you trying to cobble a life out of two destroyed families. It is not easy. Trust me.'

LB this was a hard post to read. It made me look at myself to see if it is true. I am sure there is some truth in it, because I was definitelyunhappy before I began the EMA. And the awful truth of some parts of the above quote pull the carpet out. But I also see some parts are not quite right. Because a whole lot of severing was done before reaching this point. And my MM is no stranger. In fact it felt like I had always known him, which is a freaky feeling. And the connection, the love feeling can't be faked. I can tear away all the thoughts I had about him and scrutinize them, distrust all the feelings - except the love. Once you feel this, you cannot doubt it. You know for sure it is true, because it can't be faked. You cannot be mistaken about that feeling. So I am sure it is not just a projection of my internal unhappiness. But I am frightened because you are so right about it not being easy, and that leaves me with no hope and the fear of turning to stone myself.

 

You say 'trust me'. Have you been there?

[ADF]

Meant to be? Feels so right? How old are you?

[LucreziaBorgia]

 

You say 'trust me'. Have you been there?

 

I've been in many dark places and this is only one of them. I can relate to how you are feeling.

 

As for him being a stranger, I guess I should have clarified some. No doubt there was love there and a connection, but you and he knew and loved each other in the context of an affair. Let's say hypothetically you and he left to be together.

 

If you strip away the affair, you strip away the context under which you knew each other and suddenly, he isn't the MM you knew. He is a lost, confused and lonely M who is feeling the shock of losing what he knew and stepping into brand new territory. That is why it is so hard to transition from affair partners to partners. You feel free to be with each other, but are faced with overwhelming loss and grief over saying goodbye to the lives you knew and the two of you would have to start over again from strangers because you didn't know each other when you were single - only when you were not free to be with each other. In that way, in changing the context - you become strangers again on a different level.

 

Sometimes that 'not being free' part can generate a lot of feelings and intensity that might not otherwise be there, and when you are free those feelings and intensity can be and often are replaced by intense feelings of other sorts: fear of the unknown, not knowing whether to really trust, etc.

 

I honestly think that is why affair relationships rarely work out after the fact. Lots of couples simply can't handle the fallout and the extreme change of context.

[Samantha0905]

'That shock that hits you when you spring out of marriage: you realize that you are severing your history, your family, your extended family, your traditions, your home, everything - and you find yourself with the equivalent of a stranger beside you trying to cobble a life out of two destroyed families. It is not easy. Trust me.'

 

 

This is what I kept thinking about when deciding to let my affair end. There's just too much history and connections. It's crazy and just not worth it.

[White Flower]

I have read the thread you directed me too. It has sent me spinning. Lots to think about. Thank you for the tip and your comments.

 

You are welcome. It helps to understand what drives so many MM to stay when they say they're unhappy. Women tend to leave and make positive changes for happiness while men tend to stay and make negative changes for happiness. By that, I'm saying that while a D might seem negative at the time, the end result is that she doesn't want to cheat AND keep the MM while the MM wants to have his cake and eat it too, hurting both women in his life. Not saying this is always the case but tends to happen most often.

[her_halo_slipped]

I'm sure the love was right and I'm sure it was real. But here's the tough part - most men will choose many things over love - like family, money, and their reputation. It happens all the time. The reason is because men do not put the same value on love that women do. I've seen this over and over again and because men are geared to think that they aren't men unless they're taking care of their responsibilities, it's not at all easy for them to walk away from a marriage just because they're in love with someone else. They will cheat on their spouse and think about how miserable they are, but they rarely walk away. It took a LONG time for me to wrap my head around this but now I totally get it.

 

It is far easier for a woman to make the choice to leave a marriage when they love someone else, and that's why more women leave marriages than men. It's also why more men cheat, because they feel trapped when they're unhappy. Women are not looked down on for walking away from a marriage in the same way that men are. But women are looked down on if they walk away from their children. It's kind of the same thing for a man when he walks away from his marriage.

 

You're struggling with this because you think that he thinks and feels the way you do, that he reasons the same way that you do. You're thinking that he won't be able to take it, that he won't be able to stay in his marriage when the two of you had something so wonderful. But I'm here to tell you that, yes, he can and he probably will. That's not to say that he doesn't love you immensely. It's just that he would feel incredibly selfish for making the decision to walk away from his responsibilities for someone he desires. Whatever decision you make about your marriage, it cannot be based on what you think or hope your xMM might do. Because chances are, he won't do anything, except possibly try to start up the affair again with you. His heart is probably breaking but it won't matter.

What a fantastic reply. I could not have said it better and concur completley with all you have said.

It does come down to the value difference between men and women.

[her_halo_slipped]

Because sometimes people find it better to choose what is easier and what will hurt the least amount of people.

 

As for why it feels so right, what you are feeling is the mirror image of what feels so wrong inside of you and in your life. As long as you are unhappy inside, and unhappy with what you have - the 'escape' from it will seem ideal, like it was 'meant to be'. I suspect you feel trapped inside of yourself and inside of your life, and you were looking at this affair from behind those bars wishing you could be free.

 

The kicker of it all is that if you and he were suddenly free of your 'prisons', the ideal wouldn't seem so ideal anymore. Is freedom ever sweeter than when you are trapped?

 

Think of it this way: when a prisoner looks out of his barred windows, all he can think about is how great it would be to be free again. You know what happens when a prisoner is released? He is faced with an uphill battle: unemployment, having to form a new life from nothing, few people will trust him, it is hard to make a living. Suddenly freedom becomes a nightmare and a good deal of ex prisoners spiral down when it becomes clear that the freedom in their head was only an illusion and in reality, it sucks for them when they first get out. They can rehab over time, but the shock of freedom is nearly never that great.

 

That shock that hits you when you spring out of marriage: you realize that you are severing your history, your family, your extended family, your traditions, your home, everything - and you find yourself with the equivalent of a stranger beside you trying to cobble a life out of two destroyed families. It is not easy. Trust me.

 

You have to think long and hard about your 'ideal', and realize that sometimes what you are looking for is not really out there. It is inside of you, and needs to be repaired from the inside out. Unrequited love, I am finding is not much more than a misdirected yearning for something that is missing inside of yourself.

LB I read many of your posts and you have an incredible way of expressing the reality of a situation. Again your advice is sage and constructed in such a way to maximise understanding and hence impact. Thank you for your thoughts. I am certain many of us will benefit from your insight.

[OWoman]

I've been in many dark places and this is only one of them. I can relate to how you are feeling.

 

As for him being a stranger, I guess I should have clarified some. No doubt there was love there and a connection, but you and he knew and loved each other in the context of an affair. Let's say hypothetically you and he left to be together.

 

If you strip away the affair, you strip away the context under which you knew each other and suddenly, he isn't the MM you knew. He is a lost, confused and lonely M who is feeling the shock of losing what he knew and stepping into brand new territory. That is why it is so hard to transition from affair partners to partners. You feel free to be with each other, but are faced with overwhelming loss and grief over saying goodbye to the lives you knew and the two of you would have to start over again from strangers because you didn't know each other when you were single - only when you were not free to be with each other. In that way, in changing the context - you become strangers again on a different level.

 

Sometimes that 'not being free' part can generate a lot of feelings and intensity that might not otherwise be there, and when you are free those feelings and intensity can be and often are replaced by intense feelings of other sorts: fear of the unknown, not knowing whether to really trust, etc.

 

I honestly think that is why affair relationships rarely work out after the fact. Lots of couples simply can't handle the fallout and the extreme change of context.

 

I can't agree with this, from my experience. Being together in the A, and being together now in our M, are not that different. Sure there are differences - not having to say goodbye being the biggest - but I think both of us were surprised at just how "normal" it felt, moving from one state to the other.

[LucreziaBorgia]

OWoman, I'd have to say your story is a happy exception. Your MM had a seriously damaged W from what I've read, and he turned to you and made you his life rather than just augmenting what he already had. I have little doubt that you and he were more of a regular couple than just a 'MM/OW' sort of thing. I suspect that it not only felt normal, but was a great relief for you both to break free from that bad situation he had going on on his end.