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I have never posted anything to a forum before but I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do and need the wisdom of non-judgmental people.

 

I am involved with a married man. To make matters worse, I work with him and his office is directly across from mine. When I first met him, I found him obnoxious, boring, and not particularly attractive. Now I can't make it through a day without a text from him. I've become like some crazed person who cries because she feels like she is about to be abandoned.

 

I currently live with the man who is about to be my ex husband. We have been living under the same roof for a year with the knowledge that we are getting divorced but can't do that until we sell the house. The market is rough and things just keep getting pushed back further and further. I know this has to be a reason why I would do something like this. To get involved with someone who is married when I know better. I feel like such a bad person.

 

And now I can feel the married man pulling away because I am getting more and more needy. I am so scared that I am going to lose him and then, again, I want to be strong enough to know that this is not good for me and to walk away on my own.

 

I feel despondent today. I feel so utterly lonely and afraid and feel like no one will ever love me.

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mybrowneyedgirl

Right there with you. I live for the texts, but sadly mine have ended. Its a very tough place to be with, unfortunately, no resolution that isnt painful. ive found comfort in this board and i hope you can too.

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Thank you for writing. This is so hard. I am sitting here in my office unable to concentrate because all I can think about is "when is he going to get to work"?. How do I break this cycle? How do you STOP obsessing? Is there a way?

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mybrowneyedgirl

People here will suggest NC (no contact). I'm not sure if this will work for me. Its what I'm doing, but the obsession seems to be getting worse. The more hes away the more i'm reminded of how much I miss him. They say time will make it get better. still crossing my fingers on that one.

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NowhereToHide
Thank you for writing. This is so hard. I am sitting here in my office unable to concentrate because all I can think about is "when is he going to get to work"?. How do I break this cycle? How do you STOP obsessing? Is there a way?

 

 

The obsessing is SO hard. And you are in a situation where you're dealing with the dissolution of your marriage and facing the prospect of being alone. That makes this man even more attractive.

 

Is there a way for you to find another job? Or at least transfer somewhere else within the company so that you aren't so close to him? Getting over him will be much harder with that kind of contact.

 

Know that these things rarely work out. If he was thinking about leaving his wife, he would have communicated that to you (and even THAT doesn't mean much). You are grasping right now, trying to hold on to this man that is unavailable. It is a recipe for emotional disaster.

 

Please get into therapy ASAP. You need to get some tools to break this attachment to him. You need to try your hardest to shut this down with him. Shut down your heart and your mind.

 

If you think you're hurting now, I promise you that it can only get worse if you continue. Let him go. Focus on you. Get some help.

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But how do I do NC when his office is across from mine? Do I just give him the cold shoulder because in all honesty, I think I would just be doing that to initiate some sort of response out of him. And I know what you mean about the obsessing. We were together Friday night and I was sick to my stomach all Saturday and Sunday because I didn't hear from him.

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Love hurts?

 

No. Love doesn't hurt.

 

Love shelters you, teaches you, helps you grow.

 

Are you sure that the feeling you are experiencing is love?

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bentnotbroken

Healthy love never hurts. If you aren't a better human being in love, then not only do you have a problem, you have to make a choice. Are you willing to do that.

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Warner. Welcome to the boards, I've been here a while and can tell you first hand that LS can be a lifeline.

 

I understand about working with the MM, I used to sit next to mine at work. I know the "when is he going to get to work", "why isn't he hre yet" obsession all too well. The best advice I can give you is to put yourself first. Many times affairs are likened to addictions, and its the withdrawal that keeps that cycle going. This relationship isn't healthy for you. Are you happy? Even when you are with him, are you honestly happy? Of course people will love you, you just need tolove yourself first. In order to get back to that person you were before, walk away. You were that person before him. You can be that person with him, but not as the OW. There is a fantastic post, one I have as my LS bookmark, which i found really helpful. I'll find it and repost.

 

Hugs. You will be okay.

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I have never posted anything to a forum before but I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do and need the wisdom of non-judgmental people.

 

I am involved with a married man. To make matters worse, I work with him and his office is directly across from mine. When I first met him, I found him obnoxious, boring, and not particularly attractive. Now I can't make it through a day without a text from him. I've become like some crazed person who cries because she feels like she is about to be abandoned.

 

I currently live with the man who is about to be my ex husband. We have been living under the same roof for a year with the knowledge that we are getting divorced but can't do that until we sell the house. The market is rough and things just keep getting pushed back further and further. I know this has to be a reason why I would do something like this. To get involved with someone who is married when I know better. I feel like such a bad person.

 

And now I can feel the married man pulling away because I am getting more and more needy. I am so scared that I am going to lose him and then, again, I want to be strong enough to know that this is not good for me and to walk away on my own.

 

I feel despondent today. I feel so utterly lonely and afraid and feel like no one will ever love me.

 

He isn't yours to lose. He has a wife; a family. Just remember that he goes home to his wife each night. You are only going to continue to hurt because he is married. Has he told you he is leaving his wife? How long has the affair been going on.

 

Many people suggest NC (no contact) for a GOOD reason. Because there is no sense continuing an affair with a married person is there is no future; and with most affairs, the only future is between the MM and his wife. Read the boards, read the hurt so many OW go through until they finally cut the ties. You can do NC; although it will be tailored to your situation.

 

You stop the flirting. You yourself said he is pulling back because you are too needy. No man wants a needy female, it is highly unattractive.

 

Maybe he knows you want more than he is willing to give. Maybe you are just side sex for him; where as you want a future.

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NowhereToHide
Healthy love never hurts. If you aren't a better human being in love, then not only do you have a problem, you have to make a choice. Are you willing to do that.

 

This is absolutely true.

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But how do I do NC when his office is across from mine? Do I just give him the cold shoulder because in all honesty, I think I would just be doing that to initiate some sort of response out of him. And I know what you mean about the obsessing. We were together Friday night and I was sick to my stomach all Saturday and Sunday because I didn't hear from him.

 

Does he have kids?

 

Have you met his wife?

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Here is OldEurope's post. I hope it helps.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t68968/?highlight=grip

 

This post is brilliant! I read it, is given me a lot of insight on things! I just hope is not too late for me to change things.

 

Warner, please read the post it should help you. I feel the same feelings because I can't see my MW as often as before. Maybe if you do see him in the office, just keep the relationship strictly professional. This might help a little.

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This post is brilliant! I read it, is given me a lot of insight on things! I just hope is not too late for me to change things.

 

Warner, please read the post it should help you. I feel the same feelings because I can't see my MW as often as before. Maybe if you do see him in the office, just keep the relationship strictly professional. This might help a little.

 

Welcome Warner. This board will really help. It has helped me tremendously! I agree with jackie - READ OldEurope's post. It is great.

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Well warner sorry to hear that your hurting from the corner you've painted yourself into....really I mean that. Now that you've heard from the happy sunshine camp , I am going to give you the low down. Don't be suprised that once you become available to him via your divorce, that he plays you even worse than he already has. That's why he is pulling away, plus there is a distinct possibility that he thinks you will turn into a loose cannon and bring his marriage down as well. As a reformed OM, I know what it is like to have 2 cows for the price of one. What could his possible motivation be to give you any more than bare emotional needs when you are physically available to him at any time? Don't fool yourself or let him fool you into thinking that you're anything more than physical outlet for him. I have read olderuopes post, and along with being a little contradictory, I would say it represents less than 5 % of the what really happens. If you read posts in here, you will realize that seldom, and I mean seldom, does the MM leave his wife for his mistress. You're getting your emotional needs met and he is getting his physical desires met, so he will keep the status quo for as long as possible. Besides,why would you want him? He has proven himself untrustworthy by cheating with you....he is damaged goods, go love another.

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