Beside myself: long lost love found and lost

[mareile]

I have been in, what for me has been a very difficult marriage of 22 yrs as my husband was very verbally abusive and controlling, and we are so different in so many ways. It was at its worst when the children were young and he was the sole provider. It is amazing how the control dynamics are affected by contributing to the family income.

 

The first decade or so of our marriage was a huge struggle for me, but over the past 11 yrs. I have come to accept things as they are and make the best of it. I have gone to great lengths to keep the peace, especially with children involved, though they are older now, especially through compromising and conflict avoidance on my part. This is a marriage that, I believe, would have ended long ago if I did not have the inherent personality I do.

 

With age he has mellowed, and things have been peaceful in the past few years.

 

Meanwhile I had sought fulfillment in other areas of my life - religion, career, hobbies, etc. and was doing so well, despite a recent medical event that caused me to go blind in one eye at age 50, I believe, due to the chronic stress and perhaps breathing in second-hand smoke for so long as well.

 

In the months after the event I made lifestyle changes (related to diet and exercise) and lost weight, enabling me to feel okay about my health, and even my self-image again. I was enjoying life again, and savoring the late summer and early fall season, my favorite time of year - Aug/Sept.

 

In September I was contacted on classmates.com by a former love... someone I had met and dated for a year when I was 22. He was 23. I was the one who broke it off initially, not for any reason other than I had started a four-year nursing program and felt the need at that time to concentrate fully on my studies. I later regretted this, missing him, once I was established and doing well in my studies. But by then it was too late, as he had already met someone else, who would come to be his marriage partner, for 20 yrs.

 

His wife had extramarital affairs and was upfront about them, and eventually wanted out of the marriage -the divorce was sought by her. He was devastated, but by now (a month ago) it had been 5 yrs. later, and he felt ready to move on.

 

I got an innocent "thinking about you" message through classmates, with an email address. He may have been involved in other relationship-searching activities as well, though I don't know.

 

We emailed, we reminisced, we met for coffee, there was one phone call. He had sent me something he had written about his marriage for a church group encounter - in it he spoke of how in love with her he was, how hurt he was... how love turned to hate. It affected me in such a deep and cutting way - seeing the love I could have had and missed, not understanding how she could have done this to so good a man - how he did not deserve it. (He even step-fathered her daughter who was 5 when they married, and now is raising the teenage daughter of the daughter had at age 16, alone, without even his ex's involvement in the girl's life.)

 

I was emotionally overcome and wrote back telling him how I had regretted letting him go, how I did love him (back then), and still did. How I had missed him over the years.

 

He did say that looking back he wished he could have had more patience with me in giving me space when I started college... but aside from that he was very restrained, with me being married. I feel he is stronger than me because I don't know where this could have ended up. One way I restrained myself was in mentioning religion, How I had found peace in rocky times through God.

 

But through this time, I became overwhelmed with emotion. It was as if this magical time of love was locked up in some box and put up on a shelf, but when that box reopened through our contact - it all came to life again as if it were yesterday... that time with him. I was in love all over again. But it was so hard, wondering each time I opened my email again - would a message from him be there?

 

It became excruciating...this feeling of knowing I would have to lose him again... while at the same time I was overwhelmed with guilt each time I saw my husband's face. He doesn't know anything, and cannot. My life was (with all innocence on J.'s part) thrown into inner turmoil and conflict. I had never had an affair in 22 yrs of marriage. My husband had online affairs, and I believe possibly IRL as well, but It did bother me, but not the way it is for most.

 

We did end the contact, 5 days ago, knowing it's wrong, knowing the hurt and turmoil it can cause. J. was on the other end of this, at one time. He initially told me he'd like to stay in touch, but that he didn't want to cause any problems (in my marriage).

 

At this time I am going through the loss of this long lost love, all over again. It is extremely hard and stressful.

 

My husband didn't deserve the emotional divorce that occurred long ago - he was just insecure related to his own past issues - and yelling was what he learned in his own home as a child. He didn't know that each screaming episode, would add another brick to the wall. He didn't know, that I had a love in my past either. He has loved me in what ways he could. I feel sad for him. I feel sad for J., who lost his marriage partner, who lost my love, back then, and perhaps now as well (he did not reveal his feelings). I feel sad for me as well, who foolishly threw away real love, so long ago. He is my Stardust Melody "my stardust melody, the memory, of love's refrain..."

 

The guilt, the lost love.

 

This recovery will be very hard.

Edited October 18, 2009 by mareile
clarity

[jennie-jennie]

So if I understand it correctly you are not willing to go ahead with a divorce? I am myself in an EMR with a long lost love of mine. I understand completely what you mean by taking the box off the shelf and being in love straight away once again. I left my abusive relationship with my SO for my love, but he has not left his marriage. I do not regret leaving my SO though. I just wish my MM would do the same.

 

Our love has been very intense and whatever happens in the future, I will never regret allowing myself to experience this.

 

Are you sure you want to miss this chance the second time around? With him free and available, you are the only one who needs to take the step.

[mareile]

It is excruciating to lose his love again, but he has already told me from the outset that he did not wish to cause a problem in my marriage. He's already been on the other end of this, his wife having gone out with OM while married to him, and while divorcing him. It is too much for him to do to someone else, and too much for me also, to cause hurt to my husband. I think we are both in agreement that this is what has to be, as hard as it is.

[jennie-jennie]

Okay, as long as it is what feels right for you. I have thought about that, how it would be to once again lose this love from my youth. It must be very hard for you.

[mareile]

Thank you.

[bluegreen12]

If you choose your marriage, you need to cut ALL contact with your OM. Meaning no friendship, no email, no phone call, etc. Are you ready to do that now?

[wheelwright]

It struck me that your marriage causes you pain and this needs to be resolved firstly, in whatever way you decide is best.

 

The second is that your prospective OM berates his wife but not himself for where the marriage went wrong. This strikes me as very ominous. He may be a selfish pr***k who will always blame others for his mistakes. Nice people blame themselves for the mistakes of others.

 

Be careful. Find the love you need.

[fooled once]

I think you want something from the past that isn't the same today.

 

The love you felt for him over 22 years ago is not the same love as you would feel today; it can't be. You aren't the same person

 

I think you are just searching for love; and it was easy for you to think it was with a former love. You may not even like who he is today because you don't know who he is today. He isn't the same person he was back then and neither are you. So there is no way the love is the same.

 

I find it sad that you are going to sit in a loveless marriage until you die ....

 

Life is to short to not find happiness.

 

I applaud you for NOT trying to have an affair. I applaud you for honoring the vows you took and I am impressed by him for not trying to get you to cheat on your spouse. Shows he has integrity and has respect for you, your spouse and the institute of marriage.

 

I have to agree with the above poster; he had to have some part in the demise of his marriage. Yes, there are some cases where a spouse is blindsided by their spouse and that person's selfish actions. You don't know what he was like as a husband. You don't know what, if anything, he did to his wife.

 

I understand you are hurting, and I am sorry you are hurting.

 

But you can't look backwards. That is all in the past. All the woulda, shoulda, coulda's isn't going to change anything. You are lonely, you are vulnerable -- you are reaching for anyone else to make you happy. Happiness comes from within YOU; not from some man.

 

Find out what you want out of life and do what you need to do to get there. Maybe some counseling will help you. If you choose to stay in your marriage and WORK ON IT to be the kind of marriage you want, I wish you much success and love.

 

And again, I applaud you for not jumping into an affair because that is the easy way. That is living in fantasy and not in reality.

 

I hope you can find peace. Good luck to you.

[lkjh]

read what wrote in response to your thread under infidelity. The old boyfriend is setting you up for an affair