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Just don't know what I think....


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JustDoNotKnow

Hi! I have been reading this forum for some time now; however, this is my first post. I am married and have been having an affair for the past 2 years. I am in my early 30's and he is in his early 40's. We started out "talking trash" and eventually fell in love. We have BOTH talked about leaving our husband/wife for a life together. We have been on trips and see each other daily. And this required him to drive 20 miles one way just to say hello. We talk on the phone and text constantly. He has been very successful in life and holds a high profile position in our area. He has been telling me for the past year that he is working on things and preparing to leave. About a month ago, he said he would be in a position to leave in 4-6 months. He owns or is part owner of several businesses and owns lots of real estate. Anway, MM and I are friends and everyone knows we are friend. My husband came to me about 3 weeks ago and said the he felt like someone other than him and I were in our marriage and that I needed to end whatever I may have going on if I wanted to stay under his roof. Of course, I denied it all and never mentioned this to MM. About 5 days later, my husband mentions it again. So, I made myself believe I had feelings for my husband so that I had the strength and courage to walk away from MM. I ended things with MM 2 weeks ago via text mesasge. I told him that I was going to try to work on my marriage. His response was "I want you happy and I wish you and your husband the best of luck." He also said he would love me and my son until the day he died and he would NEVER give up on us. I went for 2 days and didn't try to contact him. On the 3rd day, I sent him messages and no response. Since that day, I have sent several more messages, called and still no response. He will not answer my calls. I sent him an email explaining that I didn't want to talk away from him but I did so to protect US. I begged him to talk to me...NOTHING. I don't know if I have been played or if he is having a hard time dealing with this. I met with an attorney last week and I sent him a message letting him know what the attorney said. Still no response. This is driving me crazy. Any suggestions on how to move on? I honestly have no feelings for my husband. I am an educated lady and feel so stupid right now....Any suggestions or comments are welcome.

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End your marriage with your husband. It's way past time, and he already knows you're no longer into him or the marriage. You can't save it when you don't love him - there is nothing to save. And he deserves the opportunity to meet a woman who truly can and does love him.

 

As for your MM lover, it appears that he enjoyed being with you but has no intention of ending his marriage for you and has now shut you out. It would appear that it's best to move on from him as well.

 

Get your divorce and start your life fresh. You're young and have a lot of opportunity to meet single, available men who can love you freely.

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End your marriage with your husband. It's way past time, and he already knows you're no longer into him or the marriage. You can't save it when you don't love him - there is nothing to save. And he deserves the opportunity to meet a woman who truly can and does love him.

 

As for your MM lover, it appears that he enjoyed being with you but has no intention of ending his marriage for you and has now shut you out. It would appear that it's best to move on from him as well.

 

Get your divorce and start your life fresh. You're young and have a lot of opportunity to meet single, available men who can love you freely.

 

I couldn't agree more.

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mybrowneyedgirl

i disagree. i think my feelings for another man certainly clouded my feelings for my husband. its only after the fog lifts that you can see a rainbow. the same rainbow thats always been there. you might feel differently after time.

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NowhereToHide
i disagree. i think my feelings for another man certainly clouded my feelings for my husband. its only after the fog lifts that you can see a rainbow. the same rainbow thats always been there. you might feel differently after time.

 

 

BEG... totally agree. My feelings for my xAP definitely made me less capable of truly seeing my husband and feeling my love for him.

 

I cannot even tell you how blessed I am that I didn't make the decision to leave my family for my xAP.

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Brown eyed and Nowhere,

 

I see a BIG difference in the two of you and what you are dealing with, and what the OP here said.

 

You have both maintained from the beginning that you LOVE your husbands, and that you WANT to make things work, but are struggling. OP here seems to have nothing left for her husband.

 

That is why I say she should let go. If she seemed remotely like she cared, I would have given different advice.

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mybrowneyedgirl

completely understand Fallen Angel - as you always give me wonderful advice and the pick me up I need when I feel down.

 

but...when my A started I described my H as the perfect partner. couldnt find a fault in our marriage, wouldnt choose anything different. throughout the course of my A I started to look at him a bit differently. meaning it changed to the fact that my AP made me feel ways that my H never did. the A made me question the R with my husband...which never really changed, it just couldnt compete with my AP. so for a short while i thought i might never feel those feelings for my H again. that wasnt true, it was just clouded by the (and gosh i hate this term because i dont believe it) "affair fog".

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completely understand Fallen Angel - as you always give me wonderful advice and the pick me up I need when I feel down.

 

but...when my A started I described my H as the perfect partner. couldnt find a fault in our marriage, wouldnt choose anything different. throughout the course of my A I started to look at him a bit differently. meaning it changed to the fact that my AP made me feel ways that my H never did. the A made me question the R with my husband...which never really changed, it just couldnt compete with my AP. so for a short while i thought i might never feel those feelings for my H again. that wasnt true, it was just clouded by the (and gosh i hate this term because i dont believe it) "affair fog".

 

If you felt that way about your marriage before the affair, then you will most likely seriously regret it if you divorce your husband. Please don't make that mistake.

 

I think it would be smarter for you to sit this one out, don't contact xMM again, let your feelings cool down, and get your head and heart back into your marriage. I'm not sure why xMM isn't talking to you - either he's being childish, playing games, or something happened to him. But since everyone knows that the two of you are friends, then it seems you would've been informed if anything happened to him. So I guess he's just either being childish, or playing a game by ignoring you and hoping that it'll make you feel desperate about him. He also may be sincere in thinking that it's in your best interest to leave you to your marriage. The bottom line is, he's not talking and is, instead, leaving you to wonder and ask questions.

 

The truth is, you cannot replace the history you have in your marriage - a good marriage. That's more valuable than you'll ever know. Your husband sounds like a cool guy - he knows something's going on and basically told you to end it or get out. I think you should walk away from the affair altogether and stay with your husband.

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mybrowneyedgirl

i think so too. theres no doubt in my mind i could have a wonderful happy life with my H. i look back and question why i would possibly risk the live that many people would envy and give everything to have. its just hard to let go of the feelings. and thats my struggle. not the feelings for my husband as i realize what a precious gift i've been given. just the feelings for another man whom i also love.

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i think so too. theres no doubt in my mind i could have a wonderful happy life with my H. i look back and question why i would possibly risk the live that many people would envy and give everything to have. its just hard to let go of the feelings. and thats my struggle. not the feelings for my husband as i realize what a precious gift i've been given. just the feelings for another man whom i also love.

 

I just don't think it's possible for us to love one and only one person all our lives. Maybe the only way to stop struggling with it is to know that you love them both, but can only share your life with one of them. Your husband wins by default and he deserves that because he has given you a beautiful life. Sometimes with those we love, we have to let them go and wish them a blessed life. Doesn't mean you have to stop loving them because there's plenty of space in our hearts for all kinds of love - even if that love means 'passion from a distance'.

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If you felt that way about your marriage before the affair, then you will most likely seriously regret it if you divorce your husband. Please don't make that mistake.

 

I think it would be smarter for you to sit this one out, don't contact xMM again, let your feelings cool down, and get your head and heart back into your marriage. I'm not sure why xMM isn't talking to you - either he's being childish, playing games, or something happened to him. But since everyone knows that the two of you are friends, then it seems you would've been informed if anything happened to him. So I guess he's just either being childish, or playing a game by ignoring you and hoping that it'll make you feel desperate about him. He also may be sincere in thinking that it's in your best interest to leave you to your marriage. The bottom line is, he's not talking and is, instead, leaving you to wonder and ask questions.

 

The truth is, you cannot replace the history you have in your marriage - a good marriage. That's more valuable than you'll ever know. Your husband sounds like a cool guy - he knows something's going on and basically told you to end it or get out. I think you should walk away from the affair altogether and stay with your husband.

 

Angel, I'm not sure if this reply was for browneyedgirl or the OP. The OP hasn't stated whether her marriage was good before the affair, and browneyedgirl hasn't said anything about her exMM not returning her calls.

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JustDoNotKnow

Thanks guys! I do have wonderful husband and I honestly cannot say anything negative about him. However, over time, we have grown apart. We can sit in the same room for hours and not have a real conversation. That is why I started looking outside of my marriage for the things I was missing at home. MM and I could talk for hours nonstop. MM is the one who appeared to make me feel complete. I agree with another poster though...I do think it's time for me to end my marriage. Today has been 2 weeks since NC with MM and he is still all I can think about. I was trying give things time to settle down before walking away from my husband. I am just so confused. I feel like I am wasting my time waiting for MM....And I do feel bad for my husband. He is the one that is going to suffer. As you can tell, I am confused....

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bentnotbroken
Thanks guys! I do have wonderful husband and I honestly cannot say anything negative about him. However, over time, we have grown apart. We can sit in the same room for hours and not have a real conversation. That is why I started looking outside of my marriage for the things I was missing at home. MM and I could talk for hours nonstop. MM is the one who appeared to make me feel complete. I agree with another poster though...I do think it's time for me to end my marriage. Today has been 2 weeks since NC with MM and he is still all I can think about. I was trying give things time to settle down before walking away from my husband. I am just so confused. I feel like I am wasting my time waiting for MM....And I do feel bad for my husband. He is the one that is going to suffer. As you can tell, I am confused....

 

 

Yet he is going to suffer by your hands and you still want contact with MM. What does a awful H get if a wonderful one gets this?

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Thanks guys! I do have wonderful husband and I honestly cannot say anything negative about him. However, over time, we have grown apart. We can sit in the same room for hours and not have a real conversation. That is why I started looking outside of my marriage for the things I was missing at home. MM and I could talk for hours nonstop. MM is the one who appeared to make me feel complete. I agree with another poster though...I do think it's time for me to end my marriage. Today has been 2 weeks since NC with MM and he is still all I can think about. I was trying give things time to settle down before walking away from my husband. I am just so confused. I feel like I am wasting my time waiting for MM....And I do feel bad for my husband. He is the one that is going to suffer. As you can tell, I am confused....

 

Of course you have stuff to talk to the MM about -- he is new, fresh.

 

I bet when you started dating your husband and then married him, you had a connection to him, he made you feel complete. Then, over time, YOU and your H allowed your marriage to disinegrate. You both have to WORK to make the marriage work. NO marriage stays the same.

 

Instead of suggesting counseling for your and your H or a marriage retreat, you choose to go find someone new to fulfill whatever you thought was missing in your marriage.

 

You really want the MM; not your marriage. To me, that was evident from your first post. You don't want to work on the marriage, you want the ease you had with MM back.

 

But MM doesn't want that. He wants his marriage. He has made a decision. I don't believe he is going to love you and your son forever :rolleyes: I mean, seriously, how many of us said this kind of stuff after the break up of our younger relationships. And I think that is also common words for MM to say to the OW to help ease the hurting because they chose their marriage.

 

From what I got from your posts, you have no desire to work on your marriage. So quit lying to your H and tell him the truth. Let HIM decide if he wants to stay with you after you lied and deceived him.

 

You can sit and keep trying to get the MM to contact you; but IMHO, you are wasting your life. He chose his family.

 

For 2 years, you have lied and cheated on your H. COME CLEAN to him about this. He has the right to know, especially if you want the marriage to work. He needs ALL the information so HE can make an informed decision.

 

Good luck to you.

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I wonder why you stayed in your M for 2 years if you loved another.

 

I think your MM is a really good guy. He heard what you said when you wanted to make your M work, and knew the only way for you was if he was out of the picture. For ever (or a long time anyway). He is right. The only way you will know is if you go months NC, and by then the addiction part of the affair will be gone. You will be able to address your marriage issues clearly.

 

If after all that time the A was just fog, it wasn't to be anyway. Fate will steer you after that time. You will be happy again.

 

I wonder if I will meet wih my xMM in the future. If we were both single off our own separate backs, then we would reunite. I doubt it will happen though. I am 4 months NC, and feel just as much in love with him, but more realistic about carrying on without the love of my life.

 

I am wondering if this happens to so many people because they seetle for a marriage because they stopped believing in love. Then wham, too late love hits them. This of course makes a practical and emotional mess.

 

All the best to you, and I agree with others that you should maintain NC for a while.

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Yet he is going to suffer by your hands and you still want contact with MM. What does a awful H get if a wonderful one gets this?

 

That says a lot about the wife as a woman and as a person, doesn't it?

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The MM is keeping NC because he was looking for a way out that didn't involve you getting mad or ratting him out. He didn't have to be the "bad guy" and end it himself, either.

 

When you initiated NC he saw his chance to get out free and clear.

 

He is taking it. Simple as that.

 

When he said he'd love you and your son forever, he was saying goodbye.

 

If I were you I'd get to work on the marriage as the MM is gone for good, imo.

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Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: Why do you give YOURSELF all the power to make all the decisions? Why don't you give your H the chance to choose what he wants to do with his life by giving him the information (about your affair) in order for him to make that decision? Why is it all about you?

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JustDoNotKnow
Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: Why do you give YOURSELF all the power to make all the decisions? Why don't you give your H the chance to choose what he wants to do with his life by giving him the information (about your affair) in order for him to make that decision? Why is it all about you?

 

Wow! I do not wear a halo by no means; however, I wasn't expecting the animosity either. I agree with the other posters....I think xMM is gone for good. I need to pick up the pieces and move on. Whether I move on with my husband or not is a choice I have to make. Thanks for the comments and suggestions.

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JustDoNotKnow
That says a lot about the wife as a woman and as a person, doesn't it?

 

You are exactly right. I made a very bad decision in life. As a result of my decisions, innocent people have been hurt. Apparently, some of you have done the same thing or been in the same situation. Hence, you are here posting on this forum. I am not alone here.

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You are exactly right. I made a very bad decision in life. As a result of my decisions, innocent people have been hurt. Apparently, some of you have done the same thing or been in the same situation. Hence, you are here posting on this forum. I am not alone here.

 

You are NOT alone, and please do not let the anger of some posters make you give up on this site as a useful place to be.

 

This site is full of people who have been or are, right where you are. It is also full of people who have been on the other side of the equation. There is a lot of pain on all three sides of the triangles we live in. Be prepared to hear some things that feel angry. But also know there are many GOOD people here, also people who have been on the other side.

 

I am an Other Woman, but the person here who has been most kind and shown the most compassion to me is a Betrayed Wife. After a time you will learn to pull out the nuggets of kindness from the onslaught of anger, and hold on to them.

 

I for one am glad you are here, stick around, I promise you will get good advice from people who have walked in your shoes.

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Having done a lot of reading, my take is that you had a great romantic affair with someone who did not intend to leave his wife.

 

The part where you said he said he'd be ready in "4-6 months" says that he just needed that time for his next excuse.

 

I think he was already feeling ambivalent, or his wife found out something, probably both, and he took the opportunity of YOUR breaking it off to exit as gracefully as he possibly could hope for from a situation that is so far from gracious.

 

I hate to say it, but men like the one you are involved in, hello, are only too happy to let you (the other woman, any woman, their wife) give them the opportunity to blame their lame-ass actions on the female.

 

He will forever tell you that you broke it off first, and let you go on believing forever that you were the one who broke his heart first, and he couldn't get over it.

 

Either he is in trouble with his wife and has to become a good boy quick, or he has a new prospect in sight. That's MY take.

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JustDoNotKnow

Thank you for the words of encouragment Fallen Angel. I am here because I don't know where else to turn. My heart is aching. I have lost who I thought was my best friend. xMM was my rock and my confidant.

 

My husband and I were having problems before I started having an affair. xMM and his wife had been had been having problems for years as well. I knew him for 3 years before we started our affair and had seen him with his wife on several occassions. They were both and still are miserable and it is very obvious. They never do anything together and if they do, they drive separately. I do think the reason he is still at home is due to the property he owns as well as his political career. I do think he is preparing to leave as he told me. Now, whether or not he comes back to me, I don't know. One minute I think he will...the next I just don't know.

 

Before others jump to conclusions, I have talked to my husband. He has known for the past 3 years that I was unhappy. I have put my finger on what I think needs fixing in our marriage. It fell on deaf ears. He didn't see the problems I was seeing. After a year of talking to him, I turned to xMM. Yes, that was wrong. I had talked to my husband about leaving and he begged me to stay...this was 2 years ago. He didn't want another failed marriage. It's not like my husband thinks things are fine when they really aren't. Either way, I have created this mess and only I can clean it up.

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JDNK,

 

My advice to you is to take this time away from your affair to really evaluate your life.

 

Make decisions on what you really want and if you find that you are not happy in your marriage and do not think you can be again, then take the steps you need to to remedy the situation.

 

If you think there is hope for your marriage then try to focus your energy right now on starting the process of healing whatever is broken.

 

Either way, I think IC could be helpful.

 

But I urge you not to hang your hopes on your xMM coming back. Whatever you choose at this point you need to choose for YOU, and not make choices based on what you hope HE might do in the future.

 

I wish you luck and love and when you need us, we are here.

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