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What did the Other Man Give?


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I was reading the thread about there being not enough OM on this site, but too many OW, and saw this post:

I've only had one friend that specialized in dating married women' date=' but he made it a point to not fall in love. [b'] He felt his job was to give them what their Hs weren't. [/b]:laugh: Sorry, that probably wasn't very helpful to you.

So I want to ask: WHAT DID THE OTHER MAN (OR OTHER WOMAN) GIVE YOU THAT YOUR SPOUSE (PARTNER) DIDN'T?

 

My H when he was the MM to several OW, he claimed he was 'a gentleman' to them, treated them well, listened to them. He said that the women were not used to being treated this way, therefore not only did it make his behavior stand out and get their attention, but it made the individual OW feel Special.

 

My H prides himself on being charming, and attentive. He is generous with his time, listening well to women talking, giving advice and looking very considerate.

I may add he is also very witty, and can make anyone laugh in delight. He truly is talented sociably, but beyond that, when he targets a potential OW, he intently focuses on her, and makes her feel special. They fall in love with him.

 

He doesn't give his heart away to them -- I think he puts on a show for them, displaying the Best Man he can be -- with little danger of them wanting and Getting him for themselves, because he makes it clear to them from the beginning that he loves his Wife.

 

What does the Other Man, Married Man, Other Woman, Married Woman, do for YOU? Why are you in it?

You know it's wrong... but you allowed yourself to form an inappropriate relationship with him/her, against your morals. This other person got you to drop your natural defenses because they were offering you something unique... what is IT?

Edited by Athena
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At the time that I got involved with fMM, I was a MW. My xH and were disconnected intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Honestly the 1st two were the most important, and the 3rd didn't happen with fMM until after I'd been seperated awhile. My xH and I were basically incompatible. We couldn't talk about anything because he had interest in nothing outside his little bubble. So you can imagine the attraction I had to someone who'd listen and could sustain a 2-way adult conversation! Likewise, my xH was really walled off, or perhaps just incredibly shallow. I was able to form a deep emotional connection with fMM that I just couldn't get with my xH. So that's the missing pieces he filled in.

 

Still though - I don't get how people can jigsaw their life together getting pieces from here there and everywhere. I wasn't ok with that, felt yucky.

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My X-OM gave me understanding & love. Something I didn't feel I was getting at home - at all. He was my rock!

 

My husband was a borderline alcoholic & had his own demons he was fighting. (wanting his youth back was one of them)

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jennie-jennie

I know I make my MM feel desired. I make him feel like he has a woman who combines the qualities of the madonna and the whore. I allow him to show every side of himself, even the darker ones, in a place where he feels safe.

 

These are qualities he has told me I have, but his wife has not.

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He became my BEST FRIEND. I have been able to be honest with him in a way I have never been able to be with anyone else. He allows me to be all that I am. He accepts the good, the bad, and even the ugly. My darkest most hateful thoughts are safe with him. And I provide the same for him. We tell each other everything. (Except the things I have told him I don't WANT to know)

 

The physical aspects of our relationship was simply incidental, but it turned out that FOR ME, it was the best mix of emotional and physical connection I have ever experienced. I have had lovers that were better TECHNICALLY with sex, but no man has ever taken the time to love ALL of me that way before.

 

For example.. I have been very insecure about my physical appearance for 15 years due to an emotionally abusive marriage. (It was physically abusive as well.) So, the first time I made love with My MM I was attempting to keep myself covered, especially my stomach, which I had been told for years was 'the most disgusting thing I have ever seen' by my now xH. This frustrated My MM who actually stopped making love with me, and turned on the television. He told me that when I was ready to allow him to love and worship all of me, that he would be ready, but until then, he would just wait. I was very upset and started to cry... he held me, then slowly undressed me, and kissed every bit of me, including my 'saggy baggy elephant belly' (that is the nickname my xH used to refer to me, and it is stuck forever in my head) My MM says he loves my belly, because it got it's scars and sags from giving birth to my children who are a wonderful and integral part of who I am. How could I not love that? No man has ever loved me like that, and I want to be loved like that.

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Seriously, Athena,

I ask myself this all the time. Because, in reality, he didn't give me much at all. In some ways I think it was his situation that I was attracted too -- his uncomplicated life that was 100% disconnected from my own.

 

One of the things I haven't had the heart to tell my H about the OM is what a terrific loser he was. Not lover -- LOSER. I mean, seriously, I do actually fear them meeting bc my H will be SHOCKED at how I could make this guy ANY kind of priority in my life.

 

When I was with him, though, I was more relaxed about myself and more confident about myself than I used to be with my H. (I'm working on that now.)

 

And he was such an earthy person -- engaged with the world in a way completely opposite my H.

 

But I think in many ways I wasn't looking for escape from my marriage specifically -- I was looking for escape from my life and responsibilities. Most of the time that I hung out with the OM we were just "pallin' around" -- not being lovers but looking for women for him!!! Why did I feel like I had to hide that relationship from my H? I still haven't figured that out completely....

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Can I answer if I wasn't married when I was in my affair with a MM? Or is this question only for married people cheating?

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Can I answer if I wasn't married when I was in my affair with a MM? Or is this question only for married people cheating?

 

 

What does the Other Man, Married Man, Other Woman, Married Woman, do for YOU? Why are you in it?

You know it's wrong... but you allowed yourself to form an inappropriate relationship with him/her, against your morals. This other person got you to drop your natural defenses because they were offering you something unique... what is IT?

 

I thought it was open to all of us, I am sure we would I like to hear your point of view.

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LakesideDream
He became my BEST FRIEND. I have been able to be honest with him in a way I have never been able to be with anyone else. He allows me to be all that I am. He accepts the good, the bad, and even the ugly. My darkest most hateful thoughts are safe with him. And I provide the same for him. We tell each other everything. (Except the things I have told him I don't WANT to know)

 

The physical aspects of our relationship was simply incidental, but it turned out that FOR ME, it was the best mix of emotional and physical connection I have ever experienced. I have had lovers that were better TECHNICALLY with sex, but no man has ever taken the time to love ALL of me that way before.

 

For example.. I have been very insecure about my physical appearance for 15 years due to an emotionally abusive marriage. (It was physically abusive as well.) So, the first time I made love with My MM I was attempting to keep myself covered, especially my stomach, which I had been told for years was 'the most disgusting thing I have ever seen' by my now xH. This frustrated My MM who actually stopped making love with me, and turned on the television. He told me that when I was ready to allow him to love and worship all of me, that he would be ready, but until then, he would just wait. I was very upset and started to cry... he held me, then slowly undressed me, and kissed every bit of me, including my 'saggy baggy elephant belly' (that is the nickname my xH used to refer to me, and it is stuck forever in my head) My MM says he loves my belly, because it got it's scars and sags from giving birth to my children who are a wonderful and integral part of who I am. How could I not love that? No man has ever loved me like that, and I want to be loved like that.

 

 

Fallen Angel, I'm sorry a man treated you this way. It's beyond what anyone should be forced to endure.

 

Everybody isn't like that.

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I was reading the thread about there being not enough OM on this site, but too many OW, and saw this post:

So I want to ask: WHAT DID THE OTHER MAN (OR OTHER WOMAN) GIVE YOU THAT YOUR SPOUSE (PARTNER) DIDN'T?

 

My H when he was the MM to several OW, he claimed he was 'a gentleman' to them, treated them well, listened to them. He said that the women were not used to being treated this way, therefore not only did it make his behavior stand out and get their attention, but it made the individual OW feel Special.

 

My H prides himself on being charming, and attentive. He is generous with his time, listening well to women talking, giving advice and looking very considerate.

I may add he is also very witty, and can make anyone laugh in delight. He truly is talented sociably, but beyond that, when he targets a potential OW, he intently focuses on her, and makes her feel special. They fall in love with him.

 

He doesn't give his heart away to them -- I think he puts on a show for them, displaying the Best Man he can be -- with little danger of them wanting and Getting him for themselves, because he makes it clear to them from the beginning that he loves his Wife.

 

What does the Other Man, Married Man, Other Woman, Married Woman, do for YOU? Why are you in it?

You know it's wrong... but you allowed yourself to form an inappropriate relationship with him/her, against your morals. This other person got you to drop your natural defenses because they were offering you something unique... what is IT?

 

This is easy!

 

They give them:

 

1) Newness

 

2) Excitment

 

3) Appreciation that a long term wife/husband probably don't have

 

4) Admiration that a long term wife/husband probably don't have

 

5) Something different

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Can I answer if I wasn't married when I was in my affair with a MM? Or is this question only for married people cheating?

 

:) you make me smile! Yes, of course you can! This is open to anyone and everyone, including the BS on what they think their spouse provided for the AP... if you are interested in commenting, please go ahead!

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Initially, he gave me the opportunity to pay back my H in kind.

 

OM gave me pause in my quest to Find and Understand everything about Affairs - he was my Practical Research Study

 

He gave me a skip in my step and a smile on my face. Family looked on my shining face in wonder.

 

He gave me TIME (which my H didn't). We went on many, many dates together, chatted in bars (a first for me), went to a LOT of shows, concerts, a few movies. Went on a tropical vacation together (I paid).

 

He gave me his broad smile and his sparkling eyes. His lust and his body hard and tight. His 'pride' to show me off in front of colleagues and the general public. He gave me umpteen gazillion secret text messages, many of which made me laugh!

 

He gave me a reason to smile and leave depression behind. A reason to work hard on my body at the gym (to match his).

 

*He gave me the break I needed to remove my H from my heart.*

 

He showed me what it meant to be kind, once again. I had forgotten with all the hurt I had gone through.

Edited by Leelou
grammar
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:) you make me smile! Yes, of course you can! This is open to anyone and everyone, including the BS on what they think their spouse provided for the AP... if you are interested in commenting, please go ahead!

 

LOL Just wanted to make sure :)

 

So I want to ask: WHAT DID THE OTHER MAN (OR OTHER WOMAN) GIVE YOU THAT YOUR SPOUSE (PARTNER) DIDN'T?

 

He gave me confidence. He made me feel like a woman. I had been divorced a short time and my exH made me feel like a loser. I didn't know ANYONE else who was divorced. I felt like a failure.

 

MM made me feel like wanted, needed and safe.

 

What does the Other Man, Married Man, Other Woman, Married Woman, do for YOU? Why are you in it?

You know it's wrong... but you allowed yourself to form an inappropriate relationship with him/her, against your morals. This other person got you to drop your natural defenses because they were offering you something unique... what is IT?

 

I was in it because like the majority of MM, he lied. He lied about his home life; you know the old "the wife doesn't make me feel wanted, loved, appreciated" :rolleyes: Basic Cheaters Lies 101.

 

I felt bad for him, poor guy, in such a loveless, sexless marriage. :rolleyes: I will make him feel better. I will show him what a real woman does. I will give him what that ol' battle ax isn't giving him.

 

Then he did move out into his own apartment for a year. We still spent the majority of the time at my house and we went on vacations, went to dinners, etc. We all lived in the same town and there was NO sneaking around on our parts. He talked to his kids about me (they were grown and out of the house) and obviously he was around my son. He would switch cars with me at times, etc.

 

We played house, although we didn't live together.

 

After the year, he moved back in with the wife ~ he told me it was because she wanted another chance, and while he didn't, he just wanted to let her think he was giving it another chance :rolleyes: Lesson 202 right out of the Cheater handbook ... Tell the OW the wife wants to give the marriage another shot, while you don't, but you will go through the motions to appease her.

 

After a year of this game, I grew tired and started to date others.

 

The last 6 months of the 2 year affair were the worst times because I knew he was lying to me in my head, but my heart kept finding loopholes and hanging on certain words he said "soon" "I love YOU" "pretending".. all the while, I would bet they were working on the marriage - and sleeping together, doing the things that married couples do.

 

Far as I know, they are still together .... 13 years after he moved back home for "2 weeks" to pretend to work on the marriage. :laugh:

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So I want to ask: WHAT DID THE OTHER MAN (OR OTHER WOMAN) GIVE YOU THAT YOUR SPOUSE (PARTNER) DIDN'T?

 

Emotional intimacy, which ultimately turned out to be an illusion driven by my own prior emotions with the person (when I was her OM). I then clearly saw where the vacuum was in my M and was able to focus on it in MC. Interesting journey. :)

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whatisgoingon

My MM gave me nothing but heartache, I would go NC he would come back begging and I always fell for it, hook line and sinker. He would spend his days and nights with me, tell me he was leaving he would then 2 3 weeks he would go back longest he stayed away from W was 1 month, broke my heart everytime he promised me he would be with me and go back to her. Just did it again last week, I keep telling myself I deserve better. Alot of people knew of our A we did not hide it, W even knew. People have asked me what is it about him that you can't stay away, I only wish I could answer that question and to be totally honest if he knocked on my door right now I would let him in only to heartbroken again tomorrow.:o

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'He doesn't give his heart away to them -- I think he puts on a show for them, displaying the Best Man he can be -- with little danger of them wanting and Getting him for themselves, because he makes it clear to them from the beginning that he loves his Wife.'

 

But you have told us before Athena that he fell in love with at least one AP Is this what he told you and you believe him? But your H is a serial cheater too, so what he gives is going to be totally different. I think there are not many serial cheater affairs on this board. You are not going to get the answer.

 

As for MM what he gives to me. The most powerful, he kissed me and that was it. It totally blew me away. And I am not without experience. That first kiss, and many others since, but particularly that first one I will remember for the rest of my life. And so will he.

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But you have told us before Athena that he fell in love with at least one AP Is this what he told you and you believe him? But your H is a serial cheater too, so what he gives is going to be totally different. I think there are not many serial cheater affairs on this board. You are not going to get the answer.

.

 

Yes, my H did fall in love with OW #7 (despite him fluctuating on this assessment if it was love, or not... wishy washy kept on changing his mind in telling me, although he would reply Yes, when she would ask him if he loved her!)

 

But, my H's INTENT was NEVER to fall in love with his OW, and he has had plenty -- 5 in his first M, and 8 in our M, so out of 13 OW, he only fell in love with 1 of them! Out of 29 years of cheating! Thus, I can say <<with little danger of them wanting and Getting him for themselves, because he makes it clear to them from the beginning that he loves his Wife.>>

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It's just a matter of time before cheaters get caught in their own little trap -- for my H, he would lay the trap and be all that an OW needed in a man, to make her fall for him... then he got caught in that trap and fell in love himself!

 

Still, he always told them upfront how much he loved his W and wanted his M... it worked to his benefit, because in the beginning THAT declaration made him appear "safe" in the woman's eyes... a safe, happily-married man just chatting to her, and being a 'friend'... all the time, he was Grooming her for an affair! His trap was laid... she LOVED all the attention he gave her, his compliments, his generosity, him being the perfect attentive gentleman, taking her out for dinner, meeting up for drinks, etc, and eventually she couldn't help herself falling for him... and they would land up in an affair. But HE knew all the while what he was doing, because that was his Pattern. It was the template he used to get sexual with a woman... and it always worked.

 

As an aside, if a woman EVER came onto him first, he wouldn't get involved with her... it had to be a cunning plan of his to seduce her over time... to completely sweep her off her feet... and this man (my H) Really knows how to engage in conversation, is an excellent listener, and knows how to act to make a woman feel validated, special, worthwhile etc.

 

He knows how to do it.

 

I guess it's a game to him.

 

Dunno when he is (ever) going to get tired of playing it.

 

I am done with his games. And am not tied up with him anymore...

Edited by Athena
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Athena, since I have spoken with some of the MW that this particular OM was sleeping with. I have to say that they unanimously agreed that he was the best sex they had ever had.

 

None of them ever planned on leaving their Hs. But they were bored in the bedroom or having other difficulties in their marriages that made them vulnerable.

 

This guy is upfront that he is not looking to fall in love. He gave me that famous line "I can't mess with you, though. I might mess around and fall in love". LOLOLOL. This is how you know you are dealing with a player.

 

I'm sure that all affairs give the WS something that they want, whether its needed or not. OM are giving the MW something.

 

(Your H sounds so much like my dad. One day, my dad decided he wasn't going to cheat on my stepmom anymore and he didn't. But he was too late. It was her turn. And then she left him. And now, he's not dating anyone after running through several women like water for the first two years of the separation and divorce. I feel for him. He never wanted to be alone and didn't feel any of his OW would be with him forever like his W would. I get that feeling from your H as well)

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Athena, since I have spoken with some of the MW that this particular OM was sleeping with. I have to say that they unanimously agreed that he was the best sex they had ever had.

 

None of them ever planned on leaving their Hs. But they were bored in the bedroom or having other difficulties in their marriages that made them vulnerable.

 

This guy is upfront that he is not looking to fall in love. He gave me that famous line "I can't mess with you, though. I might mess around and fall in love". LOLOLOL. This is how you know you are dealing with a player.

 

I'm sure that all affairs give the WS something that they want, whether its needed or not. OM are giving the MW something.

 

(Your H sounds so much like my dad. One day, my dad decided he wasn't going to cheat on my stepmom anymore and he didn't. But he was too late. It was her turn. And then she left him. And now, he's not dating anyone after running through several women like water for the first two years of the separation and divorce. I feel for him. He never wanted to be alone and didn't feel any of his OW would be with him forever like his W would. I get that feeling from your H as well)

 

Thanks for you post NoIDidn't, I enjoyed it. And lol about the last paragraph! I do understand your mom, though... she had enough... and yes, your poor Dad landing up alone (is your mom with someone? what was her dating history like after she left your dad, or did she land up with her AP?)

 

Yes, my H sounds a lot like your Dad. He's had a lot of chances... and he blew it... and he knows it... I am Never going to give him my heart again... as Lakeside said, his heart is the most valuable thing he has, and he is cautious who he is going to entrust it to! Mmhmm! yeah

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What does the Other Man, Married Man, Other Woman, Married Woman, do for YOU? Why are you in it?

You know it's wrong... but you allowed yourself to form an inappropriate relationship with him/her, against your morals. This other person got you to drop your natural defenses because they were offering you something unique... what is IT?

 

There’s nothing that my MM did to charm me. I didn’t know him, had never spoken to him before, and had only seen him a few times while visiting a friend at her job. He just happened to be a guy I thought was cute in the right place at the right time who got extremely lucky. He really doesn’t do anything for me as far as to win me over. In fact, all he has to do is stay married. I don’t have any morals when it comes to dating MM. I actively seek out ones that appear to be happily M for my own sport and ego. So for him there’s very little effort to have to put forth.

For him, its kinda the same. I didn’t do anything to lure him. It was mentioned to him that I was interested and he took it from there. I know he is mainly with me for my looks, but that’s what I expected and assumed would catch his interest anyway. So I guess we are basically using each other for our own egos and/or personal gratification.

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There is nothing wrong with my husband or not in the sense of this thread. He didn't fail to provide something the MM/OM did. Honestly I find that idea very annoying.

 

OM was just a different person and there was a strong attraction between us.

I hoped it could work out and it couldn't.

 

I never compared him to my husband.

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mybrowneyedgirl

never compared my AP and H either. both are wonderful men and have theyre own special qualities.

 

but i would have to say my OM was my best friend. i miss him. not in the sense of a husband. its the day to day stuff i miss.

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NowhereToHide

Athena -- what a great question.

 

In the beginning, he gave me excitement. He showed me adoration, admiration and affection. He saw me the way that I so badly needed to be seen... which was the real me that my husband had lost sight of (and the "me" that I stopped showing to him). He found me irresistible -- he couldn't get enough of me intellectually and emotionally which was intoxicating. I was the "perfect" life partner for him -- nothing like his wife and everything that he loved.

 

At the end, he gave me heartache. He showed me indifference and dismissiveness. He did everything he could to protect himself, his life and his heart -- and to my amazement, didn't act at all concerned for me -- the woman that he had given his heart to. And while I know he still loves me, I know now that he will never show it to me again. He is gone to me forever, and it's something I'm beginning to reconcile.

 

Before I entered into the A, my marriage had grown stale. We stopped communicating, and while we still had a lot of sex, we were more like roommates than H & W. After the A, I started to really focus on him... listening to him, showing him affection, asking about him, engaging with him.... and to my surprise, he in turn is again seeing me the way I needed to be seen (the way I thought only my xAP could see me) ... he is showing me love and affection...

 

All along, all that was needed to implement change was ME. I didn't need to go looking for it. I had it inside me all along.

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mybrowneyedgirl
Athena -- what a great question.

 

At the end, he gave me heartache. He showed me indifference and dismissiveness. He did everything he could to protect himself, his life and his heart -- and to my amazement, didn't act at all concerned for me -- the woman that he had given his heart to. And while I know he still loves me, I know now that he will never show it to me again.

 

this is the hardest part for me to come to terms with. i cant understand how a man who loved me so much could suddenly turn it off and not care at all.

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