kirby Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I have been "involved" with a man for about 5 months who lives 3 hrs away, comes to my town every 2 weeks. We do not "go out". We met at my workplace, where we see each other. He has been very complimentary and respectful. We basically talk for about an hour and he's on his way. He calls and texts often; we probably communicate 3-4 times a week. He has been honest about his circumstances, he is married. It is all very new and innocent and neither of us has talked about this even being a "relationship". Although, I just KNOW that he REALLY is beginning to have strong feelings; as am I. I truly believe that he is a sincere man with no intention of hurting anyone. ( I know, everyone says that!) He travels through town with plans to relocate but has since called off the move. "Family conflicts" were the cause for the change in plans. All this happened before I was in communication with him. I am wondering if his circumstances may on the verge of changing (through no fault/intereference on my part). I enjoy his company, and could see this developing into something very strong, very fast. However, I would not want to factor into the equation and be the cause of anything. But if it was already headed towards a breakup, do I wait and see what happens or just bow out? Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I have been "involved" with a man for about 5 months who lives 3 hrs away, comes to my town every 2 weeks. We do not "go out". We met at my workplace, where we see each other. He has been very complimentary and respectful. We basically talk for about an hour and he's on his way. He calls and texts often; we probably communicate 3-4 times a week. He has been honest about his circumstances, he is married. It is all very new and innocent and neither of us has talked about this even being a "relationship". Although, I just KNOW that he REALLY is beginning to have strong feelings; as am I. I truly believe that he is a sincere man with no intention of hurting anyone. ( I know, everyone says that!) He travels through town with plans to relocate but has since called off the move. "Family conflicts" were the cause for the change in plans. All this happened before I was in communication with him. I am wondering if his circumstances may on the verge of changing (through no fault/intereference on my part). I enjoy his company, and could see this developing into something very strong, very fast. However, I would not want to factor into the equation and be the cause of anything. But if it was already headed towards a breakup, do I wait and see what happens or just bow out? What you are involved in is an emotional affair. It IS an affair, and as many would attest to here, an emotional affair can be more damaging than a physical one. I suggest you stick around and read the postings on here. I can't imagine anyone in their right mind would enter into an affair after reading what is posted in this site. I only wish I knew about this place when I was at your stage. RUN AWAY. He is married. If he IS headed towards a breakup, then let him come to you with divorce papers in hand and then you can pursue something. Anything else is a deception and will only lead to pain for everyone involved, including you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 Since neither of us has even acknowledged that this is anything more than a friendship, what would be the best way to remove myself from an otherwise fun and enjoyable relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Jasondt2001 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Although, I just KNOW that he REALLY is beginning to have strong feelings; as am I. You need to open your eyes with all due respect... You just answered your own question and because you don't want to face it/hear it you continue to deny or try to justify it... This is coming from a man that has been INCREDIBLY happily married for five years - well until my wife 3 weeks ago started an emotional affairr - oh wait, no, he's 'just friends, and I NEED friends!"... I'm now not living at home, she told me out of freaking NO WHERE she wants a divorce and has been MISERABLE with me for that last 5 years... I wish you could know us, there's pictures of us doing incredible things, cards she HAND made me telling me what a great man I am and how much she loves me... She's doing what you're doing; she's lying to herself to justify in getting what SHE wants. Do yourself a favor, knock it off! Link to post Share on other sites
Jasondt2001 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Since neither of us has even acknowledged that this is anything more than a friendship, what would be the best way to remove myself from an otherwise fun and enjoyable relationship? That's easy... NO CONTACT - Say that he's married and you would NOT want to be the wife of a husband with another woman. It WILL happen if you keep this up - YOU and HIM WILL put her there, and the only thing she's guilty of is loving HIM. That's not ok. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Since neither of us has even acknowledged that this is anything more than a friendship, what would be the best way to remove myself from an otherwise fun and enjoyable relationship? While you may not have acknowledged that it is more than a friendship, your description of the frequent phone calls and texts, along with obvious interest and attraction on both sides still means it's leading towards something dangerous. I would let him know that, while you enjoy his company, you are uncomfortable with where it might be heading and since he is married you would feel better if contact was limited to only a professional interaction. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 You need to open your eyes with all due respect... You just answered your own question and because you don't want to face it/hear it you continue to deny or try to justify it... This is coming from a man that has been INCREDIBLY happily married for five years - well until my wife 3 weeks ago started an emotional affairr - oh wait, no, he's 'just friends, and I NEED friends!"... I'm now not living at home, she told me out of freaking NO WHERE she wants a divorce and has been MISERABLE with me for that last 5 years... I wish you could know us, there's pictures of us doing incredible things, cards she HAND made me telling me what a great man I am and how much she loves me... She's doing what you're doing; she's lying to herself to justify in getting what SHE wants. Do yourself a favor, knock it off! Jason.. that is horrible. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Is she planning on maintaining a relationship with the person from the emotional affair? Do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 You need to open your eyes with all due respect... You just answered your own question and because you don't want to face it/hear it you continue to deny or try to justify it... This is coming from a man that has been INCREDIBLY happily married for five years - well until my wife 3 weeks ago started an emotional affairr - oh wait, no, he's 'just friends, and I NEED friends!"... I'm now not living at home, she told me out of freaking NO WHERE she wants a divorce and has been MISERABLE with me for that last 5 years... I wish you could know us, there's pictures of us doing incredible things, cards she HAND made me telling me what a great man I am and how much she loves me... She's doing what you're doing; she's lying to herself to justify in getting what SHE wants. Do yourself a favor, knock it off! Thanks Jason-- I guess I needed to hear that (read that)! I am new to this and have NEVER EVER been involved with a married man. I guess I'm rationalizing that he was already on his way out. But there has to be that ONE time where that actually is the case. Any chance this is that time? Link to post Share on other sites
Jasondt2001 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Jason.. that is horrible. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Is she planning on maintaining a relationship with the person from the emotional affair? Do you have kids? Thank you so much for your kind words. When i asked her to choose, (and the marriage counselor too) she stayed silent. When she finally did promise me she would break it off, she then called later and said she just couldn't do it. I packed my stuff, it KILLED me, and I couldnt look at her, I was ashamed at the new person she had become since meeting him. She got a new job about 2 months ago and that's when all the changes started. I've been gone for almost a week, she had me come back and then picked him again before, so this is all familiar. When she told me she wanted a divorce it killed me; we seriously had an AMAZING marriage. I did and will do anything and everything for her at the drop of a hat - and I proved it multiple times daily. Her and him are still talking according the phone calls, and maybe even playing house for all i know... all she wants to do now is bar hop and be with him. NOT the woman I married. She's 100% different in 2 months than she was in the whole 7 years I've married her... Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks Jason-- I guess I needed to hear that (read that)! I am new to this and have NEVER EVER been involved with a married man. I guess I'm rationalizing that he was already on his way out. But there has to be that ONE time where that actually is the case. Any chance this is that time? No, very little chance. Read these boards. And if there is a chance? He will prove it to you with a court document. Don't fall into the trap. TRUST ME. Nothing good can come of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Jasondt2001 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Thanks Jason-- I guess I needed to hear that (read that)! I am new to this and have NEVER EVER been involved with a married man. I guess I'm rationalizing that he was already on his way out. But there has to be that ONE time where that actually is the case. Any chance this is that time? I'm sorry I was hard on you, just being on this side of the fence and reading your post kills me - it makes me think if there's a way I can help someone about to put someone else through this, I need to speak up - this post is why i registered. Him and his wife may have problems, they might be having difficulties, they might be having some serious wrong doings... The thing is, he CANT fix ANYTHING with his wife because YOU are on HIS mind... NOT his marriage. YOU are getting in the way, YOU are the distraction he's looking for to not face his problems... Do you really want to get a man on a rebound? That's all you'll be - right now. If you give him space, he leaves his wife, and pursues you - that's a totally different story!! I know it's hard to hear, but, seriously - YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN right now - it's not physical, but, the way it felt when i found out my wife was giving her emotions to another man; I'd have rather found out they slept together rather than that. I EARNED those emotions, I EARNED those feelings, I EARNED to be the man she shared both of those with - yet, she gave them away like a raffle ticket. Link to post Share on other sites
NowhereToHide Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Thank you so much for your kind words. When i asked her to choose, (and the marriage counselor too) she stayed silent. When she finally did promise me she would break it off, she then called later and said she just couldn't do it. I packed my stuff, it KILLED me, and I couldnt look at her, I was ashamed at the new person she had become since meeting him. She got a new job about 2 months ago and that's when all the changes started. I've been gone for almost a week, she had me come back and then picked him again before, so this is all familiar. When she told me she wanted a divorce it killed me; we seriously had an AMAZING marriage. I did and will do anything and everything for her at the drop of a hat - and I proved it multiple times daily. Her and him are still talking according the phone calls, and maybe even playing house for all i know... all she wants to do now is bar hop and be with him. NOT the woman I married. She's 100% different in 2 months than she was in the whole 7 years I've married her... I was married and entered into an affair. I make no excuses for my behavior. It was wrong. I wish everyday I could take it back. I will tell you that some emotional connections are incredibly strong. It sounds like this man triggered something deep in your wife that maybe she didn't even know existed. It's hard to compete with something like that. But you are not alone. There are a lot of others on this site that are struggling. Again, I am so sorry. Keep posting. You can get a lot of insight by posting and asking questions. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirby Posted October 16, 2009 Author Share Posted October 16, 2009 I'm sorry I was hard on you, just being on this side of the fence and reading your post kills me - it makes me think if there's a way I can help someone about to put someone else through this, I need to speak up - this post is why i registered. Him and his wife may have problems, they might be having difficulties, they might be having some serious wrong doings... The thing is, he CANT fix ANYTHING with his wife because YOU are on HIS mind... NOT his marriage. YOU are getting in the way, YOU are the distraction he's looking for to not face his problems... Do you really want to get a man on a rebound? That's all you'll be - right now. If you give him space, he leaves his wife, and pursues you - that's a totally different story!! I know it's hard to hear, but, seriously - YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN right now - it's not physical, but, the way it felt when i found out my wife was giving her emotions to another man; I'd have rather found out they slept together rather than that. I EARNED those emotions, I EARNED those feelings, I EARNED to be the man she shared both of those with - yet, she gave them away like a raffle ticket. I am SO SORRY for the pain you are so obviously in right now. I would hate to be the cause of such turmoil. Please remember, you cannot control anyone's actions, you can only control your response to those actions. Don't be so hard on yourself. SHE owns the responsibility of destroying the marriage. SHE DID IT, SHE WANTED IT, SHE OWNS THE RESPONSIBILITY. I went through a similar situation when my husband announced out of the blue that he wanted out. I really had to dig deep to come to the realization that it was his problem, NOT MINE, that resulted in the demise of our marriage. It will take time but you WILL heal from this betrayal. Cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath, stop overanalyzing everything and just LET IT GO. She may have just done you the greatest favor, you just can't see that yet. STAY STRONG - Best of Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Jasondt2001 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I am SO SORRY for the pain you are so obviously in right now. I would hate to be the cause of such turmoil. Please remember, you cannot control anyone's actions, you can only control your response to those actions. Don't be so hard on yourself. SHE owns the responsibility of destroying the marriage. SHE DID IT, SHE WANTED IT, SHE OWNS THE RESPONSIBILITY. I went through a similar situation when my husband announced out of the blue that he wanted out. I really had to dig deep to come to the realization that it was his problem, NOT MINE, that resulted in the demise of our marriage. It will take time but you WILL heal from this betrayal. Cut yourself some slack, take a deep breath, stop overanalyzing everything and just LET IT GO. She may have just done you the greatest favor, you just can't see that yet. STAY STRONG - Best of Luck I can see why this man enjoys talking to you - Thank you for the kind words! I'll read them daily, or as needed; you're so kind, and thank you for your heartfelt post! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Most married men don't get into affairs intending to hurt anyone. But that's what happens. I promise you, your heart and life will be shattered into a million pieces if you keep this up. Just tell him that things are getting too involved and that the two of you need to stop talking. I know it's hard but think of what it will be like in 6 mos or a year trying to break this off. You have a strong attraction to this man and you must tell yourself that he is off limits. This is coming from someone who was with a MM for a long time. We loved each other. It didn't matter. Please don't do this to yourself. Not to mention the other people who can also get hurt in these situations. It's so not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 what he's been doing is laying the ground work for you to get sucked in... which is about to happen. the texts and talking... he's opened the door to see if you are a willing participant. every time you respond or pay attention - he knows he's got you right where he wants you. men like him are patient... he will wait until he knows you are ripe for the picking. then there is no way out. you can't have him... if you go down this path you are at a dead end - you will end up stuck with no way out... is that what you want for yourself? just stop feeding his ego - that's what he wants every time he corresponds with you - an ego feed. Link to post Share on other sites
skylarblue Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Several years ago, I became friends with a MM that was strictly a friendship, but he became very emotionally involved with me. He treated me like his girlfriend (I didn’t relate to it at the time) and his W even confronted and falsely accused me of sleeping with her H. He was in a bad, miserable M (for both parties) and was only staying out of duty to the children. He would confide in me and I’d honestly tell him what I thought. He ended up divorcing his W, which really was best under his circumstances, but admitted he knew I would never invest in a R with him if he didn’t. Years later we are still friends, but he still would prefer being in a romantic R (he tells my parents I’m the only girl he could ever marry again). Honestly, he’d deserve better than me. You already know that this is the beginning of a romantic R. The only question you have to ask yourself is “do you mind having an affair with a MM or not?” If his M is “already headed towards a breakup”, then he could wait until he’s D to start a R with you. If you don’t mind, then you need to consider the realities of having an A. Having an A with a MM when there are feelings mostly end in heartache. Why would you want to walk into a R where you are automatically second string? Link to post Share on other sites
Jacky Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 I think it is possible to have an emotional affair. Me and my MW done that, we were constantly talking to each other on the phone, texting and eventually seeing each other. Affection sometimes don't have to be phyiscal. We would missing each other when we wake up and think about each other. This was before the relationship got physical. Therefore this makes me think that it is possible to have an emotional affair. At the same time I think emotional affairs will lead to a "full" affair sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
jon dough Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 we seriously had an AMAZING marriage. really? maybe to YOU. She's 100% different in 2 months than she was in the whole 7 years I've married her... or perhaps you FINALLY see your wife as she really wants to be... sorry, if you saw this as an "AMAZING" marriage, but she doesn't and hasn't from her perspective, then this situation could be seen as a blessing for both of you... "once in awhile you get shows the light in the stragest of places if you look at it right" good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
1Angel Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 You're playing with fire, OP. I hope you don't get burned. RUN AWAY from this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 Kirby, your 'friend' is totally in the wrong. He KNOWS how you feel, he probably feels the same way. All you have to do is tell him "you're married and I don't feel comfortable with how close we've been." Then, ask him if his wife knows about the friendship. Tell him you'd really like to meet her, too. Watch his reaction.. Chances are, he hasn't said a WORD to his wife about you.. Link to post Share on other sites
JumpinJimmy Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 K, you and your friend are both acting improperly and are betraying the trust in your marriages. You have to ask youselves if your spouses find out what you are doing thus far, what would they think? I am sure you know the answer. BTW, he is only pursuing this in hope that a PA will develop, and by having the EA you are giving him a reason to hope that it will, hence why he pursues it. You would be amazed at the patience and restraint that he will use to chip away at your resolve. As the other poster stated, cut it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 (edited) I have been "involved" with a man for about 5 months who lives 3 hrs away, comes to my town every 2 weeks. We do not "go out". We met at my workplace, where we see each other. He has been very complimentary and respectful. We basically talk for about an hour and he's on his way. He calls and texts often; we probably communicate 3-4 times a week. He has been honest about his circumstances, he is married. It is all very new and innocent and neither of us has talked about this even being a "relationship". Although, I just KNOW that he REALLY is beginning to have strong feelings; as am I. I truly believe that he is a sincere man with no intention of hurting anyone. ( I know, everyone says that!) He travels through town with plans to relocate but has since called off the move. "Family conflicts" were the cause for the change in plans. All this happened before I was in communication with him. I am wondering if his circumstances may on the verge of changing (through no fault/intereference on my part). I enjoy his company, and could see this developing into something very strong, very fast. However, I would not want to factor into the equation and be the cause of anything. But if it was already headed towards a breakup, do I wait and see what happens or just bow out? I don't see this as even an EA... this is more at the stage of heavy flirting... For me.. an EA is when there has been no sex.. but the APs have told each other how they feel... There are a manager at my work.. who constantly msn me.. who sends me 'tips' every chance he gets that he's attracted to me.. we chat.. we flirt a lot.. but it's never been any further.. lately he's been a lot more opened about his 'flirting'... Do I see this as an EA.. not at all.. it's heavy flirting.. with a chance that it could develop into an EA.. and eventually a PA.. but I have to agree with other posters.. the more you see this guy.. the more you're playing with fire.. simple as that.. Edited October 16, 2009 by Lizzie60 Link to post Share on other sites
kma11 Posted October 16, 2009 Share Posted October 16, 2009 spend some time reading on this site...you are traveling on a destuctive path with a married man. save yourself the heartache and RUN...have many friends in similiar situation...i have yet to see one with a positive outcome. best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
DisturbedGirl3 Posted October 17, 2009 Share Posted October 17, 2009 Kirby... I'm going to tell you there is nothing wrong with what you are feeling on either fence. I know how you feel as far as what it could and might lead to, but at the same time.. you must be strong for yourself. Speaking from experience and being in the situation I am in now... If you really end up putting yourself into this situation with this man.. make sure.. that you aren't the only one putting in the effort.. and make sure you aren't being the only one doing the chasing. Don't make yourself end up to be "the other woman" because the only person you will hurt in the end is you. And let me tell you it sucks.. ! Take it slow.. take baby steps and really don't expect anything. If you are enjoying the friendship, then make sure it stays that way. Just don't get yourself hurt! Link to post Share on other sites
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