MM divorce for OW?

[delajoonal]

ok..so maybe i am pushing it a bit to ask this question...but i really hope i can get some honest and possibly gentle answers..please;)

 

i am a BS..BUT, i am NOT a OW basher..i do believe that each A is unique to its own situation...so...

 

my question is this:

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W?

 

or do they like being the OW?

with no expectations, or limitations, etc.??

 

or

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you?

 

this is what i mean by every A is different according to the situation.

 

i guess it depends on if the A is about love, s-e-x, adventure, etc.?

 

i am curious, because i know i will NEVER get the answers from my OWN H and his OW...you can't imagine how frustrating that is...no answers ever.

 

(also, my H and his OW have both filed for D's, so this why i ask...i NEVER thought my H's OW would divorce her own H, as they have 2 very small kids, new home, a business, etc...too much to lose...so i am really in shock even more than when i found out about the A..i NEVER thought it would come to this, as well as my H's OW, made it seem she never wanted more than just the EA)

 

but i am wondering, did my H"s OW expect him to leave me..as he did?

( i know no one can answer that here..but...)

 

or does the OW like things just the way they are? being an A...

 

i really appreciate anyone that responds and your honesty and being kind as well..

 

this is a very theraputic forum for me, so thank you again for your responses.

[jennie-jennie]

I fell in love with a man. I want us to be exclusive. I want him to have no other woman in his life.

[MistyK]

Personally, I hated being a side dish. It made me feel like I was very unimportant and it gets very lonely. At first, I was married too, and as I divorced, I didn't expect or want him to (it was hard enough with one of us going through it, I couldn't imagine us both doing it at the same time). Anyway, as our relationship deepend and as we fell in love with each other, I became increasingly frustrated with feeling disposable. It bothered me to be alone on holidays and all the times he would cancel because she got suspicious.

 

So I told him that the relationship needed to be going somewhere because it was getting too painful to hang in. I wanted him to separate and divorce (and it made sense since he claimed his marriage was terrible and he planned on leaving once the kids were older anyway). I left him numerous times because it wasn't enough for him to be a part-time boyfriend, and everytime he'd convince me to come back, he was so close to leaving. I couldn't stomach the idea that he may still have been having sex with his wife. He told me it felt like I was his wife, but I got none of the privileges, and all of the shame. In each other's cars we'd hide under blankets, meet at desolate locations, etc. Its terrible when you love someone so much and you can't tell anyone about it because you have to stay in hiding. It became very conflicting - the message of I love you, but not enough to actually be with you, and he couldn't be there when I needed him.

 

What I really wanted was for him to leave before he got busted. I wanted it to look like a spontaneous development after his divorce so we could be in public as an honest couple. It did not work out that way of course. But he did eventually divorce (she filed).

[kma11]

this is coming from the OW...i think initially (in my situation) it was fun, exciting, new etc. kinda like a lustfull, secret/puppy love. you only see the good side...as the veill lifts on that person and you begin to get to know them and care for them, it becomes harder and harder to accept your place at the back of the line. Its harder to swallow the pain of vacations,holidays, birthdays etc. It is without exception the most difficult place i have ever found myself....sooo my answer is NO i was not ok with being the OW, it has been the most destructive thing i have ever done....AND without any doubt i know i will never ,never get involved (knowlingly)w a MM again, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I was faithfull for 15 years...I have lost everything. Being in an affair can come at a high price. I assure you they are paying in their own currency.

Best of luck....oh and Yes i wanted him to leave..begged him to. OUCH...its so humiliating

[justwantlove]

When we fell in love he was seperated. He never expected that there was a chance that they would get back together. I Love him and i want him all for me. I am not content with having to lie and hide our relationship.

[Lizzie60]

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W?

 

for me.. no I do NOT want them to leave their W and their kids..

 

or do they like being the OW?

 

Yes I very much enjoy being the OW as I can be alone when I want to... I have no one to answer to... it's all about ME!

 

with no expectations, or limitations, etc.??

 

I now set the rules..and the limitations..

 

 

 

or

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you?

 

I did that once.. with my first ex.. we had an A for 11 years prior to our 18 years common-law... 29 years total... I remember how hard it was not to have him all to myself...

[kma11]

Personally, I hated being a side dish. It made me feel like I was very unimportant and it gets very lonely. At first, I was married too, and as I divorced, I didn't expect or want him to (it was hard enough with one of us going through it, I couldn't imagine us both doing it at the same time). Anyway, as our relationship deepend and as we fell in love with each other, I became increasingly frustrated with feeling disposable. It bothered me to be alone on holidays and all the times he would cancel because she got suspicious.

 

So I told him that the relationship needed to be going somewhere because it was getting too painful to hang in. I wanted him to separate and divorce (and it made sense since he claimed his marriage was terrible and he planned on leaving once the kids were older anyway). I left him numerous times because it wasn't enough for him to be a part-time boyfriend, and everytime he'd convince me to come back, he was so close to leaving. I couldn't stomach the idea that he may still have been having sex with his wife. He told me it felt like I was his wife, but I got none of the privileges, and all of the shame. In each other's cars we'd hide under blankets, meet at desolate locations, etc. Its terrible when you love someone so much and you can't tell anyone about it because you have to stay in hiding. It became very conflicting - the message of I love you, but not enough to actually be with you, and he couldn't be there when I needed him.

 

What I really wanted was for him to leave before he got busted. I wanted it to look like a spontaneous development after his divorce so we could be in public as an honest couple. It did not work out that way of course. But he did eventually divorce (she filed).

Please let me know what u did....so curious b/c my situation is sooo similiar. I divorced first w promises that he was next etc. i could have written the same words..gotta know how u got thru it???

[MistyK]

Please let me know what u did....so curious b/c my situation is sooo similiar. I divorced first w promises that he was next etc. i could have written the same words..gotta know how u got thru it???

 

kma, we were together for a year and a half before he made any promise to leave. By then I was already divorced. He made the promise because for the first time he got scared of losing me - I went on a date with someone else because I gave up thinking he would make our relationship honest. It took him another 9 months to leave, lots of excuses, LOTS of tears and I left him at least 3 more times. If I could go back to the very beginning, I'd likely still divorce, but I'd steer clear of MM. I went thru absolute hell. Unbelievably, it got worse after he left. We slept together several nights a week and interacted more like a normal couple, so I had more to lose everytime he had a meltdown and though of going back to his now xW. Many other problems as well....but the bottom line is that it's hell. Torturous hell. I wrote in journals and cried to my friends, I formed a good relationship with his mother, and yet I was in so much pain. The best thing I can suggest for you is to keep your life on course. DO NOT rearrange your plans to meet him, put your life first, keep busy, and exercise alot. I didn't do any of these, I let my regular life die off and it made things so much worse. Take care of yourself first.

[kma11]

kma, we were together for a year and a half before he made any promise to leave. By then I was already divorced. He made the promise because for the first time he got scared of losing me - I went on a date with someone else because I gave up thinking he would make our relationship honest. It took him another 9 months to leave, lots of excuses, LOTS of tears and I left him at least 3 more times. If I could go back to the very beginning, I'd likely still divorce, but I'd steer clear of MM. I went thru absolute hell. Unbelievably, it got worse after he left. We slept together several nights a week and interacted more like a normal couple, so I had more to lose everytime he had a meltdown and though of going back to his now xW. Many other problems as well....but the bottom line is that it's hell. Torturous hell. I wrote in journals and cried to my friends, I formed a good relationship with his mother, and yet I was in so much pain. The best thing I can suggest for you is to keep your life on course. DO NOT rearrange your plans to meet him, put your life first, keep busy, and exercise alot. I didn't do any of these, I let my regular life die off and it made things so much worse. Take care of yourself first.

we had been together about a year and a half as well before we made plans to be together...i went on ahead w my D and he supported me thru it. Like u, it has been 9 months of promises...him not following thru w/his divorce (he has no kids and financially they r independent) him and his W work opposing shifts so we literally have spent every day together for more than 2 years(minus wkd and holiday of course). folding laundry, paying bills, working out etc etc.normal stuff..plus a great sex life..daily and then some. it has been 5 days NC. unless we were sleeping we were in contact every hour...via text if not together or on phone.

 

i am a mess...its my job to work out,sooo i live excercise....my friends and family do not know the pain i am in...i have told everyone i am sick..still hitting work,but its a struggle...it helps to hear that i am not alone...mostly i feel alone, i feel anger, i feel such a loss...tks 4 your help

[Spoiled]

ok..so maybe i am pushing it a bit to ask this question...but i really hope i can get some honest and possibly gentle answers..please;)

 

i am a BS..BUT, i am NOT a OW basher..i do believe that each A is unique to its own situation...so...

 

my question is this:

 

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W?

 

or do they like being the OW?

with no expectations, or limitations, etc.??

 

or

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you?

 

this is what i mean by every A is different according to the situation.

 

i guess it depends on if the A is about love, s-e-x, adventure, etc.?

 

i am curious, because i know i will NEVER get the answers from my OWN H and his OW...you can't imagine how frustrating that is...no answers ever.

 

(also, my H and his OW have both filed for D's, so this why i ask...i NEVER thought my H's OW would divorce her own H, as they have 2 very small kids, new home, a business, etc...too much to lose...so i am really in shock even more than when i found out about the A..i NEVER thought it would come to this, as well as my H's OW, made it seem she never wanted more than just the EA)

 

but i am wondering, did my H"s OW expect him to leave me..as he did?

( i know no one can answer that here..but...)

 

or does the OW like things just the way they are? being an A...

 

i really appreciate anyone that responds and your honesty and being kind as well..

 

this is a very theraputic forum for me, so thank you again for your responses.

 

 

Delajoonal, it must be very frustrating for your H not to be fully open and honest with you regarding this situation. Both my xAP and I are married.

 

I NEVER expected him to leave his wife and small children and vice versa. I also had a family, expected him to leave meant four children, child support, visitations, more in-laws, and much more. I did not want to deal with all of that so I assumed he felt the same. I have not read in your posts about any children?

 

I hated being the OW. Selfish and "Spoiled", sharing a man was NEVER an option for me until the A. I was an option, never an obligation. I stressed over knowing he was making love to his wife, bowling with his family, at church with his family. He got jealous of our frequent dates and vacations without our children and our sex life seemed to be more frequent. We were miserable over these things. Which was ridiculous, these were our families.

 

Once our spouses found out(it was UGLY), we continued at least five more months. We knew if his W found out a second time and mine a third, we would most likely lose our families. We deeply desired to be together, but ultimately were cowards. We wanted to maintain our "christian" homes, our friends, our children, not disappoint our parents. We were selfish to be in a A, yet we sacraficed our happiness together for the possible happiness of everyone else. I felt enduring this pain of ending the A would be less than that of my children asking for daddy or his children yearning for their daddy. I was worried my xAP would later resent me. My parents have been married 40 years, I grew up in a very loving and drama free environment. I was such a confident and happy child and even now, I thank my parents for their love for me and for each other. I watched friends endure the hurt from their parents fighting, divorcing, and step families. And thought many times how blessed I was to not have experienced any of that pain as a child. I owe my children the same opportunity.

[Meranna]

I haven't posted here in a very long time but I would like to add my experience to this. I've been with my MM for 8 years, I left my marriage after becoming involved with him. I didn't leave FOR him, I left for other reasons. I have always wanted my MM to leave his marriage but never FOR me, I told him that numerous times, I wanted him to leave because he was unhappy enough to have an affair for the better part of a decade and because he and his wife deserved better, SHE deserved a chance to find someone she could be happy with.

 

I found out two months ago that he had asked her for a divorce, she in turn asked that they try counseling first. Since they were going to try to repair their marriage I broke off the affair. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know it was the right thing. He needs to leave because he can't reconcile their relationship, not because of me. I wouldn't want to be with him (if it eventually comes to that) if he didn't try everything it took to make his marriage work, they have children and his kids deserve that much.

 

If he can repair things with her AND be happy there, then that's what is best for him, his wife and especially their children. As far as I know, his wife has no idea of our affair.

[delajoonal]

THANK YOU ALL so much...so much honesty..i also see that some of you are in a great deal of pain or had been..i am sorry for that too..truly...love is sucky..OW or BS..right...

 

 

it is true, there are SO many types of A's.

 

also, i am finding some relief from all of you..because i will never get answers from my H's OW or from my H,...believe me, i tried, YES i called her..LOL...what did i think i was going to get.other than, quote," i didn't do nothing"...from her/OW.

 

anyway...all of your honesty and being so gentle and undestanding to me...a BS..is pretty amazing..and i am truly grateful.

 

i am trying to find closure, i know IT comes from within...but there were so many questions...

 

and you all have been able to help me with that..

 

i am feeling like i can breathe again...just a little..

and you all have helped me with that..and that is huge.

 

so thank you again so much.

 

i would love to read more..please keep posting..

[Fallen Angel]

I would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life in his arms, as the only woman in his arms.

[SouthernLady]

Since the start of the A was back in 2003 (at least the emotional) and physically "joking" part, at first I just wanted the physical aspect. Even today I wish we had just done it and gotten it over with, so no feelings would have happened. Back then I would have been okay just being the OW for fun on the side.

 

Now, 7 years later...I have strong feelings!...Now I wish I could just forget him all together. I wish I could wake up and not know who he is.

[delajoonal]

spoiled..

 

thank you..i know that must have brought up some painful memories to share your story...i am sorry.

 

i feel so compelled to respond your last post..

 

because of some of your share...we are similar..kinda..

 

my H's parents have been married for just over 40 years as well, so when i decided to def marry my H, i thought this is great, my H had NO divorce issues..a solid up bringing.. you know..14 years later..whoduthunkit...

 

as the years went by i saw some issues that well, not every marriage is perfect, even my H's parents.

 

also, i feel the same as you about the children..now my son is going to be 23 years old...BUT my H's OW has 2 children, they are 2 and 4 years old...

 

so i begged my H not do this with her...GO ahead LEAVE ME i said, BUT please do not tear that family apart...

 

i grew up in a home with a single mom, but she married 3 times...ONE extremly abusive..it was awful...the other with an addict...ack!

 

so belive it or not, i really felt for these kids...as much as i despised this OW, i just felt her kids deserved better..

 

long story short, i also spoke with my H's OW H...ya, i know..LOL

 

he was pretty much the mr. mom type, and his little girl the 2 year old, OMG..it broke my heart when he told me how when he cried about HER/OW possibly leaving him, the little girl would cry and say daddy please don't cry, and OMG!

i would get so angry with MY H for causing this grief...so angry..

 

as my H had NO clue how traumatizing it was to grow up with a mom that married 3 times and had countless affairs with MM as well..adn most of them were her sisters or cousins H's..I know gross right...so my point, is i had such a cruddy childhood with my mom doing this.i did NOT want my H to cause this kind of pain with the OW kids.

 

anyway...she did, he did, they did...they have both flied for D...

OW's H is out of the house...i am NOT sure where my H fits into the family..yet..

but i can guarantee it will be a mess!

 

as my mom married a second time, we had to go to FC..i hated this situation and that man...although he was ONE of the nicer ones..not creepy...it was still awful...children deserve so much better,

 

and as parents WE owe them..we made the choice to have them..right..

 

so MY HATS off to you spoiled for putting your children before your own happiness...

 

i know it hurts now..but one day, when they are grown stable and respectful well rounded adults..you will def smile and thank God, literally you were SO STRONG and did this for them..although u can never tell your children the sacrifices you made for them...you will know in your heart and that is pretty great!

 

thank yoiu again for sharing and also reading my story...

 

[NowhereToHide]

Dela... This is such an interesting question you've asked. It completely sucks that you are forced to go forward without getting all of the answers and closure that you need.

 

I think there are a lot of reasons why people have affairs. For some, probably for your H's OW, she probably is damaged in some way. She may not even be able to see how her actions will affect her children. She sounds like a desperate, irrational and selfish person.

 

I have a lot more compassion for people in general since having my affair. I used to believe that everyone who cheated was morally corrupt. I now believe that most of us have issues. And for many of us, our issues became glaringly apparent after we entered into our A. Hindsight is a bitch. I'm not at all making excuses for an affair -- it is ALWAYS wrong. But the reasons some of us stray go deeper than just "selfishness" (even though it IS the most selfish thing a person can do).

 

As for me, the main reason why I didn't pursue my xAP was my family. I couldn't leave them for him. If I wasn't married and he was? I would probably want him all to myself. I think that's probably the consensus you'll get from most here.

 

The MOM gets a lot of slack on here for not leaving his family. But being married myself, I can see it as a gesture of love for your kids (in some situations, not all). Your H's OW can't see past her need to have him -- nothing else matters. And for whatever reason, your husband couldn't resist.

 

I'm SO sorry for all of this. I know what you're going through is horrible. Hang in there and keep posting. Maybe you can get the closure you need from us.

[delajoonal]

NoWhere... you are an amazing person...thank you..

 

i can't even put in words how this experience...being on this forum, and the OW/OM helping me..a BS....i am finally getting some closure and my anger is subsiding and well, i actually was able to get up today, go outside, walk my dog, do some laundry and start to function again..i have been in bed for weeks..quite literally..as this issue was eating at me so badly i was becoming paralized by it...

 

i needed answers and i couldn't get them from my H and his OW...

i would even be willing to sit down somewhere and let them both tell me exacly what happened..truly, i know that sounds weird...but i am really a pretty easy going person for a Scorpio..LOL

 

anyway...it was the lies in the end that made me so angry the lack of respect FOR communication.

 

i had come to terms with the fact THEY were going to be together.apparently at whatever cost...right?

 

i just wanted them to be adults and give me some time face to face and explain...i mean eventually, if they stay together, we are all going to have to face each other at some point..right..we all have kids.

 

anyway..again...NWH...you are truly a rare OW..and you are a GOOD person...please keep telling yourself that too...

 

you helped me so much this past week...you touched my life...so please take that with you and know you are doing the best you can to be the best person you can.. your experience although painful and regretful for you now...is some how helping others, like me, to be able to move on...and that is HUGE!

 

thank you again..

[skylarblue]

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W? Never would or do I expect my MM to leave his W for me. I enter R with MM because I don’t want any emotional attachments. I could never allow myself to fall in love with a MM and because I know he is a cheater I would never even want to pursue him exclusively.

or do they like being the OW?

with no expectations, or limitations, etc.?? Yes, I love being the OW. I don’t ask or expect him to change his life at all for me. We are not an integral part of each other lives. Because there is no emotional attachment, I get all the pleasure of him without any of the heartache. He gets to have a little fun on the side without any worries or pressures.

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you? I imagine the majority of OW eventually fall in love with their MM and want to be the only one which is understandable, but I like playing the mistress role. I wouldn’t have it any other way than hooking up with my MM and then sending him back home to his family. A W has zero worries about losing her H to me.

[OWoman]

A W has zero worries about losing her H to me.

 

Don't count on it - I had that attitude too, yet several MMs left their Ws for / because of me. It's not something you have any control over. Even if you dump them if they leave, there's no guarantee they'll go back to their Ws. It is a risk.

 

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W?

 

or do they like being the OW?

with no expectations, or limitations, etc.??

 

or

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you?

 

Dela, as you say, every A is different. I was quite happy to be the OW - it was a role that suited me, calling the shots, setting the limitations and having complete and utter control over who I saw, when, and for how long. I usually had several Rs ongoing at any time - all part-time, mostly with MMs, and they all knew they were simply one of many, to keep their expectations rightsized. Some did leave their Ms, even though that was explicitly not what I wanted, and not part of the agreement, and resulted in them getting dumped because it wasn't what I wanted.

 

But my last A was different. Somewhere along the line we decided we wanted to be together, and we both put measures in place to make that happen - and we're now M, and very happy together.

 

It will be hard for you to second-guess what your H or his OW's motivations may have been - while not being honest with you, they may not even be honest with each other, or with themselves. These matters are really murky - if someone had told me at the outset of my last A that we'd land up together, I'd have run a mile - and so may he, though I can't be sure of that. I've seen enough MMs tell you they're only in it for the fun, and next thing they're so head over heels they're moping around like sick puppies doing their best teenager-in-love impersonations, leaving you wondering... so where's the fun?!? Were they lying to me about their intentions? Or were they just taken by surprise when things got a little more complicated than they'd planned? I suspect the latter, since these were not guys who were on the look-out for an A, or who'd ever ventured down that route before - they probably just had no idea what they were letting themselves in for in agreeing to one, and got out of their depth. That may well be the case in your H's case - he found himself somewhere new and frightening, and wasn't sure how best to proceed, and so landed up where he is today. Or it may be something else, entirely.

 

I hope somewhere in all the responses you find enough to give you an answer you can live with, for yourself, as you go forward.

[Jacky]

 

I am an OM so my opinions might be slightly different

 

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W?

 

In the very beginning I didn't expect her to leave her H however as time went on and feelings grew, I just could not seem to share her with another person. Mainly lack of time spending together, promises of meeting which was never met due to the H's plans always coming first. It felt like I was a sub on the bench, felt very disposable.

 

do they like being the OW? with no expectations, or limitations, etc.??

 

Again in the beginning it didn't bother me that much but as time went on I just couldn't live without expectations. Mainly because I love her and I want to spent rest of my life with her. Not just being the OM and spent time whenever she can.

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you?

 

I am selfish so I do want my MW to leave her H. I would like to begin the relationship with my MW so there will be no more hiding and sneaking around.

 

i guess it depends on if the A is about love, s-e-x, adventure, etc.?

 

For me, the A was about love.

 

did my H"s OW expect him to leave me..as he did?

 

or does the OW like things just the way they are? being an A...

 

I can't speak on the behalf of your H's OW but I personally cannot seem to take the fact that is just being an A. I would like to spend rest of my life with the MW. It hurts too much to be dispoable.

[delajoonal]

Thank you all again for your repsonses and being so honest and gentle with me, considering i am a BS.

 

jacky...thank you for your input as a OM...i was hoping i would get repsonses from the men as well...being my H's OW was also married.

so thank you.

 

Owoman...you stated something that stood out to me...alot

 

and next thing they're so head over heels they're moping around like sick puppies doing their best teenager-in-love impersonations,

THIS was right ON SPOT..OMG! this is exactly nearly word for word how i described my H's personality AFTER i found out about the EA...he made NO bones in hiding the EA and HIS feelings for her...in the beginning.

 

it was so gross to see him laying in bed crying..OMG! i wanted to slap him...mostly for doing this in front of me..it was humiliating.

 

i think the concensus is about 50/50, regarding OW wanting there MM to leave or NOT.

 

i know this will sound weird, but there was a time, NOT NOW, but a time, when i would have allowed his behavior to continue as long as i knew he was NOT going to leave me...but like you said, there are NO guarantees on how a persons feelings will end up?

 

NOW, as angry and hurt has i am..i am seeing my H for the person he truly is..

a cheater, which is NOT has bad as ALL the lying that started..ack!

 

i can honestly say, i will never take him back, no matter how much i am hurting..i can never forget things he has said and done..just to be with her/OW..

and i am talking, name calling, yelling, threats of taking my livlyhood away...

 

 

anyway...thank you again for your responses...i do appreciate them all.

[Spoiled]

spoiled..

 

thank you..i know that must have brought up some painful memories to share your story...i am sorry.

 

i feel so compelled to respond your last post..

 

because of some of your share...we are similar..kinda..

 

my H's parents have been married for just over 40 years as well, so when i decided to def marry my H, i thought this is great, my H had NO divorce issues..a solid up bringing.. you know..14 years later..whoduthunkit...

 

as the years went by i saw some issues that well, not every marriage is perfect, even my H's parents.

 

also, i feel the same as you about the children..now my son is going to be 23 years old...BUT my H's OW has 2 children, they are 2 and 4 years old...

 

so i begged my H not do this with her...GO ahead LEAVE ME i said, BUT please do not tear that family apart...

 

i grew up in a home with a single mom, but she married 3 times...ONE extremly abusive..it was awful...the other with an addict...ack!

 

so belive it or not, i really felt for these kids...as much as i despised this OW, i just felt her kids deserved better..

 

long story short, i also spoke with my H's OW H...ya, i know..LOL

 

he was pretty much the mr. mom type, and his little girl the 2 year old, OMG..it broke my heart when he told me how when he cried about HER/OW possibly leaving him, the little girl would cry and say daddy please don't cry, and OMG!

i would get so angry with MY H for causing this grief...so angry..

 

as my H had NO clue how traumatizing it was to grow up with a mom that married 3 times and had countless affairs with MM as well..adn most of them were her sisters or cousins H's..I know gross right...so my point, is i had such a cruddy childhood with my mom doing this.i did NOT want my H to cause this kind of pain with the OW kids.

 

anyway...she did, he did, they did...they have both flied for D...

OW's H is out of the house...i am NOT sure where my H fits into the family..yet..

but i can guarantee it will be a mess!

 

as my mom married a second time, we had to go to FC..i hated this situation and that man...although he was ONE of the nicer ones..not creepy...it was still awful...children deserve so much better,

 

and as parents WE owe them..we made the choice to have them..right..

 

so MY HATS off to you spoiled for putting your children before your own happiness...

 

i know it hurts now..but one day, when they are grown stable and respectful well rounded adults..you will def smile and thank God, literally you were SO STRONG and did this for them..although u can never tell your children the sacrifices you made for them...you will know in your heart and that is pretty great!

 

thank yoiu again for sharing and also reading my story...

 

 

Thanks Delajoonal. One of my parent's was blessed to have a step father who was wonderful. But there was still the pain of not being with the biological father and there was resentment toward the mother for leaving him.

 

I struggled for months to end my A. My children helped me and have no idea, they are small. Every night when I contemplated leaving, I walked into their rooms to watch them sleep and kiss them. Hold their hands and prayed they would never know this discretion of mommy. But also pray for the happiness within my M. It would not be fair to them either to stay with my H if I did not have any desire.

 

Someone posted and I also agree about your H being caught up. His OW did have much to lose with small children and she may have chosen to leave first. I hope he really loves her and not leaving because he feels obliged or wants to save her. How long have they known each other? How much time did they spend together?

 

I sense you are very independent, strong, and respected. I honestly believe that if my xMOM's W were financially independent, healthier, and stronger, he would have left whether I existed or not. Yes he is an a&& for cheating, but it was not in his heart to leave her struggling financially and physically with two small children. We were all friends so I know her story, hospitalizations and such, there are some areas in his life that he will never be able to do with her. But I admire him for looking at the other aspects to improve their M. His W had more to lose than any of the adults, I had to put myself in her shoes. Even if she felt there was no choice but to accept his behaviour, I was not going to be the one any longer.

[sadintexas]

my question is this:

 

do the OW want or even expect their MM to leave their W?

 

I expected him to leave the M because he was miserable. I never wanted it be a choice between me and her.

 

or do they like being the OW? with no expectations, or limitations, etc.??

 

There were parts about retaining my freedom that were appealing to a certain degree, but they were short lived and I was short sighted. I would have much rather had him full time, out in the open.

 

or

 

do you want the MM to leave his W, so there is no more A, but an open relationship that you can now begin if your MM after divorces/leaves his W for you?

 

That's what I wanted minus the leaving her FOR me part. Although it equates to the same difference, I had in my mind that he had to leave for himself and then we could be together. A way of rationalizing I suppose.

 

The A was about love for me. I'd found someone who I felt truly accepted and understood me and we had a connection I had not experienced before. I don't get pleasure from the idea of "mate poaching" and this was not something I had even entertained before (and never will again). I was a BS in my marriage. I'm truly ashamed that I got so wrapped up in the emotions and feelings and romance of it all that I lost sight of the damage that was being done.

[MistyK]

Generally speaking, I think most OW who want the MM to leave his marriage prefer he do so because the marriage is bad, not FOR the OW. At least for me, it was that I didn't want to feel responsible for the divorce and I reasoned that if he left for the "right" reasons, I wouldn't have to be scared that he'd go back to her in the future.

[NoIDidn't]

I am glad that you are getting some answers, Dela.

 

I am shocked, though, at the tone of the "I want him to leave" from some. Its as if no one is thinking of what is actually going to take place. A family is going to be broken apart. It seems that the MW take this into consideration in most cases (unfortunately, not so in yours Dela, I'm so sorry).

 

There seems to be a form of denial going on. Some don't even mention *who* or what it is that the MM would be leaving.

 

People get divorced all the time, but there is no point in pretending that a family wasn't torn apart by it. Even if they didn't have children, a family is torn apart by a divorce. In-laws often want to keep in contact with a former DIL or family member by marriage.

 

I'm not making a case for the *wrongness* of wanting a married AP to leave their spouse, just a case for actually allowing yourself to acknowledge the truth of what happens. I think this is the number one reason why so many Affair marriages don't last - because the people in the A didn't think about how things would unfold realistically.