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Why does everyone want to call it an addiction?


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HisSweetThing

Just curious.

 

I'm not addicted to my OMM. I'm in love with him.

 

Are the people who are addicted not in love with their MM? Are they addicted to the excitement? For me, I would give anything to be in a boring, mundane, day-to-day, open relationship with OMM.

 

Do people just try to tell themselves they're addicted to make it easier when they are trying to end the relationship?

 

Just trying to understand. Thanks.

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mybrowneyedgirl

i dont buy the addicted thing either. theres some trends on this board that everyone seems to go with. addiction being one of them. but you know what? the trends seem to be very sound advice, and it works for the majority of the people on here. so there must be something good that comes out of viewing it as an addiction.

 

but addicted? i guess then i'm addicted to all of my relationships.

 

to my husband, to my children, to my parents and to my close friends. i value all of these people. love the feelings they give me. think about them daily and would be crushed without them. so yes, if thats what that means than i am addicted.

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I think it's the oxytocin and other chemicals that are flowing during this type of relationship. One CAN become addicted to the feelings induced by the onrush of these chemicals.

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For me, I would give anything to be in a boring, mundane, day-to-day, open relationship with OMM.

 

 

All love feels addicting at first, you cant get enough - thats what makes it so magical and special.

 

In a healthy real long term love relationship that initial "addiction" warm fuzzy feeling in replaced by something else , something that should be durable enough to withstand the light of an every day open relationship.

 

During an affair you dont have the boring mundane day to day open relationship. So, the affair continues to be fed by warm and fuzzy almost exclusively. The partners get "addicted" to the way the AP makes them feel.

 

When one of the partners decides to end the affair OR does not decide to take the affair into the real world by divorcing...

 

Sometimes, after a long period of NC - each partner finds they dont miss the partner so much as they do the way the affair made them feel. Like a drug.

 

So - I guess thats why you will see some calling it addiction. But until one steps truly away from the behavior...I know it isnt possible to see this.

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NowhereToHide

For many people, myself included, a person CAN become an addiction. It is certainly not something that holds true for everyone here, but I know for many of us it is. It is NOT something I go around saying to make myself "feel" better about ending my A. I would give anything to NOT be addicted. Detox sucks.

 

And I will also say that there are many people here that are addicted but don't see it. When you are laser-focused on a person to the exclusion of everything and everyone else in your life, that CAN be a sign of being addicted. If you are having "withdrawal" symptoms that go way beyond the normal pain of breaking up, that also can be a sign.

 

There's a great book, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person". Some of the theories are a little strange, but for the most part it makes sense.

 

And I think it's false to say you are addicted TO a person. It's more that you're addicted to the feelings that person provided. The way my xAP made me feel was an incredible high. And the thought of never having those feelings again is/was horrible (like a drug addict thinking they can't get a fix). There are a lot of similarities.

 

Again, not a description that works for everyone. But definitely for some.

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I agree...not everyone here is addicted to the person they are having an affair with.

 

Addiction is a defense mechanism. This is the way it works: you have intolerable emotions and you cope with them by soothing yourself with an addictive behavior. The object of addiction can be anything...drugs, alcohol, food, work, gambling, the internet, or a relationship with another person.

 

When you use a person as a way to avoid feelings that you do not think you can cope with you are engaging in an addictive pattern. What makes affairs even messier when it comes to addiction is that they are not healthy relationships. How could it be healthy to be involved with somebody if either you or they or both of you are already with somebody else. So you feel bad (or anxious, bored, scared, whatever) and you reach out for the comfort of your object of addiction, the other person, and then you feel bad because remaining in this relationship is also harmful to you as a person, your integrity, and your self esteem. So feeling bad what do you do? Yup...you reach back out for the person and the cycle continues.

 

This is what makes NC so hard. You are really missing that comfort that the other person provides. You feel alone, and you want to reach out...but you are NC...so you have to finally feel the feeling you may have been avoiding through the addictive relationship. Maybe you are trying to avoid the feeling of abandonment that you sense whenever a relationship ends...well this will kick up full force when you are in NC...and if you are used to coping with this emotions through an addictive defense mechanism, then you will feel like you can't live without them.

 

So how can you tell if you are addicted to someone? Well I think you have to be very real with yourself. What is it about this relationship that keeps you in it? Do you tend to turn to this person to avoid difficult emotions in your life? What are those emotions? Does it hurt too much when you cannot have contact with them? Are you changing many things in your life to accommodate this relationship? Do you have a history of using addiction as a defense mechanism?

 

Another thing that makes it so difficult is that many times you will be in a relationship with someone else that is also addicted to you. So two addicts feeding each other is very intense. It can feel like true love...to finally have found someone that has uncontrolled passion for you. However, being out of control with your emotions does not necessarily mean passion...it means out of control. It can feel great to be with someone like this...and yet a little unbalanced and unsafe at the same time.

 

Also...you can love someone and be addicted to them at the same time. It does not have to be one or the other. However, it is easy to think...breaking up with them hurts so bad...so I must be in love with them. This is not necessarily true. Withdrawing from your object of addiction is more painful and difficult then grieving the loss of a lover.

 

In the end we all have to be real honest with ourselves when it comes to these relationships. Only we can truly know what emotions and thoughts are connected to our behavior.

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Sometimes I think people throw around the term addiction regarding affairs because it diminishes the relationship between the AP's. "Affair fog" gets used the same way sometimes.

 

That being said, there a few easy ways to tell if it there are addictive qualities to the relationship that may need to be addressed in order to see things more clearly - 2 that stick out in my mind are:

 

1) What are the negative consequences of the A relationship (obssessive wondering about if the MM will leave to the detriment of other things in your life, closing down of friendships to keep constant availability for MM if he ever calls, etc) The severity of the negatives will tell you a lot.

 

2) Withdrawal. Not missing, not pining, but honest PHYSICAL pain that eases almost immediately when MM is around.

 

3) The MM has become your "Higher Power". Your universe centers on him and your happiness revolves around him - he posses the ability to make you feel better, make you a better person (all those things you really posess yourself but have given up power to the MM for). Real spirituality, if you had any, suffers when this happens.

 

This kind of thing prevents the AP from seeing the MM as they really are, andit really has the hallmarks of addiction. There are some really greatr books on addictive relationships you might want to check out if this topic interests you.

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IMO, the easiest way to tell the difference between an "addiction" or the "affair fog" is to actually LIVE with your partner day in and day out; share household chores, bills, kids, etc. If you still want to be together after spending a year REALLY together, then call it love. Otherwise it is completely untested and only a fantasy-type relationship where everyday life and its predictable drudgery never enters the picture.

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Hm, I've never been addicted to anything in my life (alcohol, drugs, sex, etc) but when I was with my MM it felt like nothing I've ever experienced before. I can see why people call it an "addiction," although I'm not sure that's the correct term for it. I just think we had amazing, intense chemistry with each other.

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I would have to say in my case it is not an addiction...

 

If that were the case, I could work a 12 step program and be in recovery...

 

Maybe it is because my A is the way it is... very "in the open" at least in my town. We go anywhere, do anything that 'normal' couples would. We grocery shop (not the pick up one or two things, but the fill two carts full of groceries kind :o ), we go out to eat, we go to fesitivals, we go to pay bills together, so the heightened sense of excitement due to hiding doesn't really exist for us.

 

My A is very 'mundane' at home as well. When he is here we are just like any other family unit. He gets back from work, we eat dinner together, play with the kids together, do the dishes together, relax in front of the television together... it is not hypersexual with tons of incredibly hot steamy sex all the time with little time for anything else like a lot of affairs seem to be. There have been plenty of nights that either he or I was just too tired or just not in the mood for sex, so it just doesn't happen all the time.

 

 

But, I can understand when people talk about their affairs as addiction.

 

The secrecy rush must be incredible for people who live near their APs SO.

I know that sex in a public place where there is a possibility of getting caught is super exciting... (ie a car parked at lookout point, a dark beach at night just out in the open on the sand etc) You don't REALLY want to get caught, but the fact that it is a possibility makes it much more exciting than sex behind a locked bedroom door.

 

Also affairs that are hypersexual, with lots of sex all the time, I see how that can easily become addictive.

 

I guess I can understand too the addictive qualities to the emotional attachment. You love them, you want them, you NEED them.

 

OH Hell, I have said that before myself. That I need him.

 

Maybe I am an addict. :confused:

 

Maybe if I put it in the addict category I CAN work a 12 step and be in recovery .. *sigh* maybe I just have to start thinking about it all differently... I hate this.. I am so confused all the time... UGH... I need a nap.

Edited by Fallen Angel
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The other thing I was thinking is that you can also be addicted to love, romance, or sex. So not necessarily the person...but the feelings you get about yourself from being "in love."

 

There is a lot of literature out there about love addiction. This is when a person is using the feeling of being in love as an escape from their reality. I would guess that many affairs also follow this dynamic...and especially for serial cheaters...because once your feelings fade for one person...you can replace them with someone else...because it isn't about the AP...it is about the feelings you get from the relationship. Its like that song "Addicted to Love."

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IMO, the easiest way to tell the difference between an "addiction" or the "affair fog" is to actually LIVE with your partner day in and day out; share household chores, bills, kids, etc. If you still want to be together after spending a year REALLY together, then call it love. Otherwise it is completely untested and only a fantasy-type relationship where everyday life and its predictable drudgery never enters the picture.

 

I agree with this. That would be the ultimate test. Before my wife and I were married, had kids, or lived together, we had a very different relationship.

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IfWishesWereHorses

I'm assuming that this thread was made to my comment about another post. I was in no way trying to discount someones feelings of love. If I say to you that I love something that I admit is ruining me, affecting my life in a negative way, and that I have no control over it, THAT is an addiction. It is also an unhealthy addiction. Hell, I LOVE a good stiff drink, at the point that I admit that regardless of the fact that it is ruining my life, causing me great stress but I CAN'T live without it, then one could say that that I'm addicted.

 

I also hold that if one IS addicted then the only answer is abstinence. And I guarantee you that a 12 step program is only as effective as the person working it, nothing easy about it, no matter what the addiction.

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NowhereToHide
I'm assuming that this thread was made to my comment about another post. I was in no way trying to discount someones feelings of love. If I say to you that I love something that I admit is ruining me, affecting my life in a negative way, and that I have no control over it, THAT is an addiction. It is also an unhealthy addiction. Hell, I LOVE a good stiff drink, at the point that I admit that regardless of the fact that it is ruining my life, causing me great stress but I CAN'T live without it, then one could say that that I'm addicted.

 

I also hold that if one IS addicted then the only answer is abstinence. And I guarantee you that a 12 step program is only as effective as the person working it, nothing easy about it, no matter what the addiction.

 

 

Really well said.

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I also hold that if one IS addicted then the only answer is abstinence. And I guarantee you that a 12 step program is only as effective as the person working it, nothing easy about it, no matter what the addiction.

 

I want to go on record saying that I never intended to make light of addiction or insinuate that working a 12 step to overcome addiction is easy. I know it is not.

 

I have been blessed in that of all the things I have dabbled in in my lifetime; alcohol, drugs, sex, etc., I have been lucky enough to not find one that grabbed ahold of me and led me down the addicts path. But I have known many fine people to whom this HAS happened, and whose addictions were very real and heartbreakingly difficult to overcome.

 

I just wanted to put that out there so no one misunderstands what I was saying.

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HisSweetThing
I'm assuming that this thread was made to my comment about another post. I was in no way trying to discount someones feelings of love. If I say to you that I love something that I admit is ruining me, affecting my life in a negative way, and that I have no control over it, THAT is an addiction. It is also an unhealthy addiction. Hell, I LOVE a good stiff drink, at the point that I admit that regardless of the fact that it is ruining my life, causing me great stress but I CAN'T live without it, then one could say that that I'm addicted.

 

I also hold that if one IS addicted then the only answer is abstinence. And I guarantee you that a 12 step program is only as effective as the person working it, nothing easy about it, no matter what the addiction.

 

This post was not directed towards you. It just seemed to me that I was reading an awful lot about addiction. I did a little soul searching before I began this thread and I really believed that I was just in love with OMM. I loved him before the affair and I think I will always love him. However, some of my comments and emotions would seem to fit with what some people say about addiction. So I think I am in love and maybe I am a little addicted at the same time - like DI said.

 

You know, I think I sometimes contradict myself. I go from being a strong, independent person to feeling needy and weak. I think it depends on whether I'm thinking with my head or with my heart. I feel like I have little control over that.

 

Thank you all for your replies. You guys always make me think.

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Another thing that has struck me is...even if it is not an addiction...is it a healthy relationship?

 

The thing about the addiction model that is great is that there is a recovery model and a lot of support and history behind it.

 

However, even if it is not addiction, not all affairs are healthy. Unhealthy relationship dynamics occur addiction or not.

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One way to see if you are addicted is to keep a log. In this log record times that you reach out to your AP.

 

Then also record what was happening right before you reached out...and what you were feeling.

 

Being mindful of these patterns can be very eye opening...and writing them down is the best way to be aware.

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So I think I am in love and maybe I am a little addicted at the same time - like DI said.

 

You know, I think I sometimes contradict myself. I go from being a strong, independent person to feeling needy and weak. I think it depends on whether I'm thinking with my head or with my heart. I feel like I have little control over that.

 

((HUGS)) to the sister of my heart... I see so much of my own inner conflict in you that it hurts. I just want to wrap you up and take care of you and tell you it will all be okay in the end. *sigh* :(

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IfWishesWereHorses

However, even if it is not addiction, not all affairs are healthy. Unhealthy relationship dynamics occur addiction or not.

 

I would agree with this, affair or not. When someone is powerless to walk away is when it becomes an addiction, or should be treated as one? Is codependancy not an addiction?

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HisSweetThing

Thank you for the hugs Fallen Angel.

 

DI - I am going to keep a log. I'll let you know if I have any eye opening revelations!

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IfWishesWereHorses

This post was not directed towards you.

 

I didn't mean that in a bad way HST, I had just posted about it on another thread, and the "right" thing to do is to take it to a thread of its own (rather than hijack) Sorry you are having such a bad day today. I promise you this though, regardless of ones situation and no matter how little control you feel that you have over your feelings/state of mind, you DO have the power to control your feelings more than you think. It won't change extraneous circumstances but WILL/CAN change your ability to cope. Your mind is a powerful thing, don't let it run away with you to dark places, MAKE it work for you. THIS you can control. Hope you're feeling better soon.

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HisSweetThing
This post was not directed towards you.

I didn't mean that in a bad way HST, I had just posted about it on another thread, and the "right" thing to do is to take it to a thread of its own (rather than hijack) Sorry you are having such a bad day today. I promise you this though, regardless of ones situation and no matter how little control you feel that you have over your feelings/state of mind, you DO have the power to control your feelings more than you think. It won't change extraneous circumstances but WILL/CAN change your ability to cope. Your mind is a powerful thing, don't let it run away with you to dark places, MAKE it work for you. THIS you can control. Hope you're feeling better soon.

 

Thanks. I appreciate the support and I hope you're right.

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However, even if it is not addiction, not all affairs are healthy. Unhealthy relationship dynamics occur addiction or not.

 

I would agree with this, affair or not. When someone is powerless to walk away is when it becomes an addiction, or should be treated as one? Is codependancy not an addiction?

 

I agree with you for the most part. Codependency is definitely an addiction.

 

I think, however, that there are many unhealthy relationship dynamics that are not based in addiction. For example...domestic violence. I don't think that every victim stays in that situation because they are addicted to the batterer. I think it is a combo of fear and other psychological effects that make it very hard for that person to mobilize.

 

Or on a less serious note...a relationship were there is a lack of communication or issues with communication. This is unhealthy...but I do not think people stay in this situation out of addiction necessarily...it may be because this is how they think relationships should look.

 

One thing I do see is people using addiction to deal with their unhealthy relationship. So a person staying at work to not have to deal with coming home. So that person is addicted in an unhealthy relationship...but not to the relationship.

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IfWishesWereHorses

One thing I do see is people using addiction to deal with their unhealthy relationship. So a person staying at work to not have to deal with coming home. So that person is addicted in an unhealthy relationship...but not to the relationship.

 

Or drinking so as to be pleasantly numb... or fantasizing about "the perfect partner"... or affairs... or TV... or internet forums :D! Yea, that makes sense!

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