I'm in love with my sweet friend

[happyguy]

Hello all,

 

This is my first post here. Any advice will be most appreciated!

 

I am well into the third year of separation from my wife. I was a stay-at-home dad for 17 years, and N and I had been married for 21 years. I found out a few years ago that N had been cheating on me. I was devastated. It was the second time that infidelity had destroyed my marriage. My first wife had also cheated on me, only six months after we were married! That's so far in the past and so 'over', but I mention it to add a bit of context to this post.

 

Long story short: I've been burned twice by "the other man".

 

Now I find myself in a position that troubles me. I feel like "the other man" because I think I am falling in love with my beautiful friend K.

 

Over the last year or so, a very special and precious relationship has blossomed between K and myself. K was diagnosed with breast cancer in December of last year. Her cancer was already at an advanced stage at that point. K had surgery in February of this year. She underwent a mastectomy, and many lymph nodes had to be removed as well. Thankfully, after much chemo and radiation therapy, K seems to be well again.

 

I've know K and her family for years, and I love them dearly.

 

K is gradually transitioning back into her career path now, but due to her illness, she had been off work since January of this year. As I work afternoons and evenings, I was around during the day, so K and I began to hang out together. When she was sad she'd call me and we'd go for a short stroll, which tired K quickly. Sometimes, over a cup of tea, she would openly share her thoughts and fears about her illness. Even though her outlook was - at least outwardly - optimistic, K had many bad days and we began to hang out more often. My problems were trivial in contrast with K's, yet she was always willing to listen to the gory details of my divorce, and gave me wonderful counsel from a woman's - and friend's - point of view.

 

I have always found K very attractive, but I have never even remotely pursued the idea of 'making a move' on her. I could never do such a thing to her or her family. Our bond of friendship has become very strong, particularly over the last year. The problem now is that I have fallen in love with K, and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

I haven't told K about my feelings for her - yet - but I think that I must. I feel as though I am betraying her trust in me as a friend, simply by falling in love with her. I want to be open and honest with K, but at the same time I am so afraid that I will damage our friendship beyond repair if I tell her that I have fallen in love with her.

 

I know that K has been to hell and back over the last year; a radical ordeal with cancer can have some far-reaching and lasting effects on a patient, and her family. K has been telling me lately about problems in her relationship. She kinda tosses them out casually, but it seems to me that she has become unhappy in her marriage. K is in her late 40s and married her first boyfriend. She has never been with another man, ever. D is the only man K has ever been with, but recently I have been picking up signals from her that I interpret as an intent to move our friendship to a new level. She has been dressing spectacularly when she comes by to visit. A few weeks ago she kissed me on the cheek when she left, which surprised me as we've always just said "see ya", or parted with high fives or a fist pound. Last week, since I figured it was cool to lay a kiss on K's cheek, I did just that, but as I did she turned into it and our lips met. It lasted just a second, and oddly enough it didn't feel awkward at the time. Now though, I think about about the implications of that kiss, and what might come of it.

 

Anyway, sorry for the long post. I think that I am doing the right thing by telling K how I feel about her, but I don't want those words to be the ones that doom our beautiful friendship. I cherish every moment I spend with my sweet, sweet friend and I hope that I don't screw this thing up.

 

Thanks for reading this, and please forgive my verbosity!

 

hg

[whattodonow12]

You sound like such a sweet caring person. If you are truly interested in K, be there to support her... encourage her. It sounds like she has definitely had a rough time. But, from the outside looking in, let her decide what needs to happen in her marriage before you move into anything "more" with her. I know it is easier said that done,but it will be better for both of you if it happens like that. You will get lots of wonderful advice here.

[happyguy]

Wow, what12! That was fast!

 

Thanks for the kind words. I don't want to lose K as a friend - thanks for your reply. Lots to think about

[skywriter]

Hello and I am with WTDN12, let her make the decision,without influence, as to what is best for her marriage and it's direction. This way you can still keep the friendship regardless.

 

You may end up with some regrets or doubts in the future if you aren't careful. So far you sound like a gem of a friend.

[lkjh]

man don't be that guy. Right now both of you are in crappy places and people in that situation are capable of doing things that they will regret later on. She has a family that just went through a really hard time and they need to heal. If anything you should fade away. I know it sounds hard but it is for the best. Plus in all reality you know that even if you two entered into a affair you probably won't end up together. In the end pressure from her family and her conscious will weight in. All you guys would have accomplished is the destruction of a family and she would feel extremely crappy about herself. Start removing yourself from the picture. Not all at once but have a plan to be out of their lives in 6 months. If they ask you whats wrong, just pretend like you don't know what they are talking about.

[happyguy]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm meeting K for tea tomorrow, so thanks for your views, all much appreciated!

 

happyguy :-)

[happyguy]

Well, I think lkjh has the right idea. Tomorrow I will tell K that I have to fade out of the picture because I have fallen in love with her. It's for the best. She works Tuesdays and Thursdays for now, then she will do a few weeks on Mondays Wednesdays and Fridays, and finally she will be back at her career full time and we'll be back to where we were before she became ill i.e. we'll both carry on with our own separate, busy lives.

 

I'm happy that I could be here for K when she was down at some of her saddest, most afraid moments, and that I was able to help keep her positive and focused on getting well.

 

We came together because it was meant to happen, I am sure of that. Our friendship blossomed because we were each able to help one another through some very difficult times. Friends in need became true friends indeed. Now that I have fallen hopelessly in love with K, the moment has come for us both to move on. I am sure of that as well.

 

We had some beautiful moments, and the memories will always be sweet.

 

Thanks everyone,

 

happyguy :-)

[Angel1111]

I don't really see the point in making an announcement that you're going to disappear from her life, or that you're in love with her. Why not just distance yourself a little and leave the friendship door open? You value her friendship, right? If you really do, then you can get past your romantic feelings in order to keep her friendship - at least on loose terms. I'm still in love with my xMM but I can also still talk to him and listen to him talk about his life. I can't imagine not ever talking to him again. But, on the other hand, I can't spend a tremendous amount of time with him, either. I know my limits.

 

I think you may want to do a little soul searching first and ask yourself what your real intent is in making these announcements about love and going away. To me, it sounds like you're trying to bait her into making a decision about you, because it's an ultimatum. Basically, what you'll be saying is, "The thing is, I've fallen in love with you and because of how I feel, I can't be your friend anymore." That is one loaded statement. Just think about it.

[happyguy]

Thanks for your thoughts, Angel.

 

To you it sounds like I am giving K "an ultimatum". Perhaps your own unfortunate past experiences have led you to arrive at such a conclusion. I appreciate your input; everyone has their own unique outlook on relationships, but I think I made my intent quite clear in my original post. I love K, but I will never do anything behind another person's back, especially a friend's. I've been on the receiving end before, and it sucks.

 

If you understood the incredible depth of my friendship with K after all that she has been through - and clearly you don't - you'd not likely make the assumptions that you are making about me. Contrary to popular belief, not all men are simply looking for a way to fulfill their own desires.

 

You, of course, are entitled to interpret my posts as you wish. Cheers!

 

happyguy :-)

[Angel1111]

Well, I think you took my comments all wrong. I do understand your friendship with her and that's why I'm trying to stop you from screwing it up. I'm very afraid that you're going to end up regretting this whole thing and end up wishing you could take it all back. Just because you don't tell her about your feelings doesn't mean you're doing something behind her back. Honestly, your feelings are your feelings. But what you will be saying to her is that because you have feelings, then you can't be around her and she loses a friend.

 

I was also merely suggesting that you personally ask yourself if you had other motives for making such a 'deal' with her or not. Sometimes when we look at our actions that we think are for good intent, we discover that we really had a different agenda. I'm not saying that you do or don't - I'm just hoping that you cover that base.

 

It's sad that the two of you can't be together but you're smart not to pursue an affair with her. I'm concerned that if she has similar feelings toward you, then telling her your feelings could easily lead to an affair. This would be horrible all the way around. Maybe some day she'll decide to leave her marriage and then, lo and behold, there you are, her dear friend. But these long marriages - they're so entangled and so difficult to break away from. That's the reality. It would be a long road of healing for her.

Edited October 14, 2009 by Angel1111

[freestyle]

I agree with Angel to a certain extent.....I would think very carefully before telling K about how your feelings have evolved.

 

Perhaps you wouldn't dream of giving an ultimatum, but I do see how it could be viewed as such.Whatever your deepest motivations are, whether they are noble or self-serving, is not what I'm looking at, or judging.

 

What I'm wondering is how your revealation will affect K. It's a pretty heavy bomb to drop on someone; ("I've fallen in love with you so I must fade out of your life now".....)I'm concerned about how news like that could possibly affect her stress levels when she's still barely recovered from a life-threatening illness. While I commend you for wanting to be completely honest with someone you care deeply for, please think about it will affect her- it's a heavy load to lay in her lap.If you can, try to look through her eyes.

 

This is one case where the saying, "you can't put toothpaste back in the tube once it's out........" definitely applies.Once you tell her that, there's no turning back.

 

My recommendation is to sleep on this for a while yet...............

[happyguy]

Thanks for your thoughts, Angel and freestyle. I do have much to think about tonight, and I doubt that I will be able to "sleep on it" very much. K's happiness and well-being are my foremost concerns, so I appreciate all the opinions, ideas and advice that I have been given so openly and freely here.

 

Thanks

 

happyguy :-)

[happyguy]

Well, K and I had a talk over tea this afternoon. I told her that I really love being with her, maybe too much, that I've fallen for her in a big way, but I don't want anything more than to remain good friends. K told me that she wants to stay friends too, but that's really up to me. She didn't say too much else about it. Then we got onto our usual conversation about working out, my divorce settlement, how she feels ugly and disfigured, her plans to go for reconstructive surgery, and so on. She stayed about an hour, and we parted with a high five and a "see ya". It seems as though all is well. I feel much better having told K how I feel about her, and she took it very well. We've spoken on the phone since and will have tea again soon.

 

Thanks again to everyone for the thoughts and advice!

 

happyguy :-)

[lkjh]

Man you really need to exit from her life, she vulnerable and you can really mess up a lot of peoples lives

[happyguy]

I don't think so, lkjh. My bond with K is strong on many levels, and we both intend to keep and grow our relationship as friends.

 

I appreciate your concern, but K is not as vulnerable as you may think. Yes, she has been through a terrible ordeal, but she has an iron will, superhuman inner strength and incredible determination. K also has had much support from her family and a few close friends. I know that she and I can - and will - continue to be great friends, nothing less and nothing more. Yeah, I am in love with her, and yes now she knows it. Great friends don't come along very often though, do they? We've had one kiss on the cheek and a fleeting momentary meeting of our lips, but that's where the physical bit must - and will - end.

 

As I said earlier, I've had two marriages destroyed by infidelity, and neither K nor I will allow such a thing happen to her, her husband D, or her family.

 

lkjh, I really do appreciate your advice. You sound like someone who really cares about the welfare of others, and that is commendable. I notice that you have many posts under your belt in this forum, which suggests to me that you love helping people (like myself) cope with the daily stresses of the human condition. Thanks.

 

happyguy :-)

[carhill]

So, OP, what's your plan for resolving your feelings of attraction while remaining active friends? You do need a plan, step by step. It's not just going to happen.

 

I'd like to offer one correction: You were 'burned' by your wives, past and present. They were committed to you and chose to abrogate that commitment. Unless the 'other men' were personal friends of yours, they, if anything, burned you by proxy, as they would have never impacted your life if not for your wives.

 

I'm saying all this because I'm getting the sense that you assign more responsibility to men in a relationship, and in general.

 

K's response to your revelation tells me she already knew of your attraction and had processed her response long ago. Women know these things, even though we men think we're being secretive and unassuming

 

So, now that it's all out in the open, K can use that strength and support that she has and build her life back, and you can resolve your feelings to once again become a supportive friend, cognizant of the reality that you've changed your friendship with K forever. Every interaction will be interpreted differently, now that she's sure of what she suspected. Her boundaries with you will likely change.

 

I hope your divorce will come to a speedy conclusion. Three years is a long time to be in limbo. How do you feel about dating other women?

 

So you know, I kinda have gone through 25 years of this sort of 'friendship', so I've seen a bit of the good and not so good of it. Best wishes