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Tips for No Contact


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NowhereToHide

There are many of us trying to go NC.

 

I have days when it's not a problem for me. Then, suddenly (like today) I want more than anything to reach out to him and get "something"... "anything" from him that will take away the pain (never happens of course).

 

What tips are out there for staying strong and maintaining NC? What do you do, think, feel when faced with wanting to contact your AP? What can you suggest to the rest of us that has worked for you?

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I am as you all know in touch with him for work but when I would want to contact him for a non biz reason etc I would remind myself that it would lead to no good and I would feel foolish afterwards. And to what end?

 

Its like being on a diet or quitting smoking. A moment of pleasure followed by a terrible roller coaster ride. Not worth it to undo all the good that you do with NC

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hopesndreams

Quitting smoking is easier. Take it one hour, one day at a time. Give yourself a prezzie for every day you abstain. Tell yourself there is someone better out there waiting for you. Once you get him out of your system, you'll find him, he'll find you and the best part, there is just the two of you, right? No one gets hurt.

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NoneoftheAbove
There are many of us trying to go NC.

 

I have days when it's not a problem for me. Then, suddenly (like today) I want more than anything to reach out to him and get "something"... "anything" from him that will take away the pain (never happens of course).

 

What tips are out there for staying strong and maintaining NC? What do you do, think, feel when faced with wanting to contact your AP? What can you suggest to the rest of us that has worked for you?

 

First, i cut all the contact with her. Msn, Facebook, Skype.. or any other website where you can contact easily.. ofcourse this wasnt easy.. i'd still look at her facebook picture and stare at it for hours..this did not help at all..it only made it worst..right now i did all those.. removed her from everything.. and destroyed everything that would remind me of her.. friends are good..call old friends go for dinner, movies, do a girl night out and just have fun.. dont think about him..maybe hes not thinking about you at all? it might take a while but if you continue like that.. one day out of nowhere you wont even mention anything about him.. thats when you ll know you are healed.. good luck

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Heh, once upon a time I compared breaking up with my ex with quitting smoking, too.

 

The temptation to go back to him despite the fact he was so bad for me was incredibly strong... almost like an addition.

 

 

Arabella

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Aquarius Rising

I am 8 weeks into NC and know exactly what it's like ... the compulsion to get that quick little fix ..... and reading some of the posts here I started to think about smoking and how it leads to heart disease ... and breaking NC could be seen as similar ... everytime you go back to contact you get messed up all over again ... it doesn't lead to good heart-health ...

 

Maybe that is good imagery ... think about all those non-smoking adds and all those horrific but real pictures of heart and lung disease before you contemplate breaking NC?? It's just an idea ... the old 'shock-tactic' method.

 

In any case ..... it's sheer hard work ...... staying on the NC pathway ... but what helps me is to remind myself that I am moving FORWARD by doing the work ...... not going back to that horrible, painful, messed up place.

 

Good luck to all on the NC journey

 

AR :)

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NowhereToHide
I am 8 weeks into NC and know exactly what it's like ... the compulsion to get that quick little fix ..... and reading some of the posts here I started to think about smoking and how it leads to heart disease ... and breaking NC could be seen as similar ... everytime you go back to contact you get messed up all over again ... it doesn't lead to good heart-health ...

 

Maybe that is good imagery ... think about all those non-smoking adds and all those horrific but real pictures of heart and lung disease before you contemplate breaking NC?? It's just an idea ... the old 'shock-tactic' method.

 

In any case ..... it's sheer hard work ...... staying on the NC pathway ... but what helps me is to remind myself that I am moving FORWARD by doing the work ...... not going back to that horrible, painful, messed up place.

 

Good luck to all on the NC journey

 

AR :)

 

 

 

I really screwed up the whole NC thing from the beginning....

 

We essentially ended in May but continued LC. It ramped up at various times to a higher level of contact, mostly with me reaching and grasping to get my fix and him not ever giving me what I really wanted. Finally two weeks ago I sent him a NC email stating it was over. He responded immediately drawing me back into a "discussion" about it (yes, I bit). Then after exchanging about 10 emails he decides HE wanted to end it. Pathetic.

 

After a few more emails, we're still essentially LC NOT NC. And you're right... each contact sucks. It just doesn't feel good. Even the, "hey, how's it going" emails suck. My therapist is begging me to just go NC once and for all and I'm having the hardest time just pulling the trigger. And I know after the last attempt I couldn't send an email. I would just have to disappear.

 

He's also on my Facebook which in some ways is harder than getting emails. Seeing pictures of him and his "happy" family is sometimes more than I can take.

 

Bent had a great post on an earlier thread that really spoke to me... she basically said to another MOW that she was choosing to keep her MM top of mind.... Even the PAIN was worth it because it was keeping her focused on HIM. That what she was doing was choosing to keep him at the center of her universe... This post hit me hard and made me realize that I'm not acting differently. I'm not "pining" away for my AP like the other poster was, but I'm still allowing him into my life -- and he's a distraction, plain and simple.

 

I want my husband, not this person. I just need to do it.

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Devil Inside

NTH...you here?

 

I am having a rough night. I have been doing so well..then tonight like a tidal wave...boom it hits me.

 

I miss her soooo much. Then the self loathing and guilt slips in. Then I have to hide my emotions from my W. She is asleep now...and I am here...trying to not miss her. Knowing it does me no good.

 

So I guess one thing that is helpful is to know that it comes in waves...and to just expect it. Another is to come here instead of trying to contact them.

 

UGhhhh! Will this ever end?

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mybrowneyedgirl

DI I'm curious, was it your idea for no contact or how did you come to where you are now?

 

what i find from your posts is that even with a moment of weakness youre a remarkable, sensible person who is giving their all to make it up to the w. and from being in the same situation i know how hard that is.

 

i sometimes think some of these people are a little too harsh. yes the feelings are wrong and we've gotten ourselves into this mess but that doesnt mean that the love you felt for that person and the hurt of losing them isnt real. people talk of BS having troubles many years later. why is it expected for the WS to get over it so quickly?

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NowhereToHide
NTH...you here?

 

I am having a rough night. I have been doing so well..then tonight like a tidal wave...boom it hits me.

 

I miss her soooo much. Then the self loathing and guilt slips in. Then I have to hide my emotions from my W. She is asleep now...and I am here...trying to not miss her. Knowing it does me no good.

 

So I guess one thing that is helpful is to know that it comes in waves...and to just expect it. Another is to come here instead of trying to contact them.

 

UGhhhh! Will this ever end?

 

 

Oh, DI... I am SO sorry. I'm here. I wish I could PM... not quite yet.

 

I'm going to tell you much of what you have shared with me.....

 

It WILL get better. Setbacks are a part of all of this. Was there something in particular that happened that caused you to start thinking about her? Are you tired, stressed, sad about something else? I remember you telling me that you were getting better at identifying the triggers that caused you to think about her. Was it something in particular?

 

It WILL end, I promise. You will get through this. You will wake up tomorrow and the feelings won't be as strong.

 

There is no shame in missing her, DI. I know it feels like a setback, but take a moment to feel it and then let it go.... Let her go. Think about all the reasons why you loved her. And then think about all the reasons why it wouldn't have worked. Bring the reality back in. Remember that part of this is the unhealthy attachment rearing it's ugly head again. It's part of that primitive brain reaching for those feelings that you didn't get from your mom. And while you loved her, it could have been anyone (remember that).

 

I'll be on here for a while. Let me know if you're still here.

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NowhereToHide

Crap... I guess that means I missed you. I'm sorry.

 

I'll try and find you tomorrow. Hang in there.

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NowhereToHide

So, DI.... I just wanted you to know.... while I was waiting to see if you were still around to chat tonight I flipped over to Facebook for a minute. And guess who posted a picture of his wife?

 

I sat there for a few minutes looking at it and thinking about exactly how you're feeling right now. 10 weeks of NC and you still have moments of struggling with all of this. And I don't want to struggle anymore. Even as a "friend" he adds nothing to my life.

 

I scrolled down and unfriended him. Just like that.

 

We can do this.

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ladydesigner

NTH and DI there must something going on in the universe because I am feeling like contacting my XOM and I know it will make me feel even more pathetic about myself. I CAN'T do it. Someone please remind me why this is so important.

 

My marriage continues to suffer which makes me think of XOM and miss him TREMENDOUSLY. I really miss him and these feelings have gone on too long now. I seriously need help.

 

Please remind me of why NC is a good thing. This hurt is not going away with time. It lessons but does not go away. I feel like I am going to be this way forever. Forever missing my OM.:(

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NowhereToHide
NTH and DI there must something going on in the universe because I am feeling like contacting my XOM and I know it will make me feel even more pathetic about myself. I CAN'T do it. Someone please remind me why this is so important.

 

My marriage continues to suffer which makes me think of XOM and miss him TREMENDOUSLY. I really miss him and these feelings have gone on too long now. I seriously need help.

 

Please remind me of why NC is a good thing. This hurt is not going away with time. It lessons but does not go away. I feel like I am going to be this way forever. Forever missing my OM.:(

 

 

I'm sorry you're feeling it too, Lady. Stay strong. It's taken me far too long to realize that NC was the right thing. I kept thinking I could be friends, that having him in my life wouldn't affect me, that maybe, just maybe, by keeping him there that he would still keep his feelings for me.

 

But all it's done is caused me pain and made me feel humiliated. It's not worth it.

 

Your MM is gone. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. Is there something you can focus on that's positive? Kids maybe? And are you trying MC? I know that when I'm feeling more connected to my H, I have much more strength when it comes to my AP.

 

Think of all the reasons why it wouldn't work. Think about the REALITY of who he is, not the fantasy. Imagine him f*cking his wife (that one works for me). Realize that him not being with you doesn't lessen who you are... he's not with you because he's committed elsewhere. In another time or place, you'd be together.

 

Hang in there. The desire will fade. I promise... :)

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There are many of us trying to go NC.

 

I have days when it's not a problem for me. Then, suddenly (like today) I want more than anything to reach out to him and get "something"... "anything" from him that will take away the pain (never happens of course).

 

What tips are out there for staying strong and maintaining NC? What do you do, think, feel when faced with wanting to contact your AP? What can you suggest to the rest of us that has worked for you?

 

Well, when I first went into NC mode with Xmm, it was an extra challenge because he lived right next door. So, what I did was distract myself by keeping busy with things that I enjoyed. The more my focus and attention turned towards other things, the easier it became for me to not think so much about him. Then after a while the urge to make contact was gone.. and I was on the road to freedom. :) You can do this, even on those days when it seems next to impossible. Stay strong and focused. And by all means stick to NO Contact! Good luck to you.

 

Mea:)

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I Miss the Kiss
I'm sorry you're feeling it too, Lady. Stay strong. It's taken me far too long to realize that NC was the right thing. I kept thinking I could be friends, that having him in my life wouldn't affect me, that maybe, just maybe, by keeping him there that he would still keep his feelings for me.

 

But all it's done is caused me pain and made me feel humiliated. It's not worth it.

 

Your MM is gone. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage. Is there something you can focus on that's positive? Kids maybe? And are you trying MC? I know that when I'm feeling more connected to my H, I have much more strength when it comes to my AP.

 

Think of all the reasons why it wouldn't work. Think about the REALITY of who he is, not the fantasy. Imagine him f*cking his wife (that one works for me). Realize that him not being with you doesn't lessen who you are... he's not with you because he's committed elsewhere. In another time or place, you'd be together.

 

Hang in there. The desire will fade. I promise... :)

 

WOW! You have NO idea how badly I needed to hear this! Right at the very moment! I am struggling today... I am walking around "weighing things" in my head. Trying to convince myself he still wants me because he still responds to my emails, says little things that tell me he is quite jealous, tells me he still doesn't know "what the future holds" with his M... all of these things give me hope. FALSE HOPE.

 

But still the urge is there, the habit. I still love him, plain and simple. And knowing he still loves me makes it worse. He's a strong man, has to be in his line of work... He has told me that professionally, give him a disaster or a fire and he will organize and handle it... the bigger the mess the better. But when it comes to us... weak.

 

So today is a bad day for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Please, someone just tell me to STOP contacting him all together. Let the chips fall where they may. I can't engineer a breakup, and would I even want to? Let him live his life without me for once. I don't think we have gone more than 24 hours in over 5 months without talking, writing, texting, SOMETHING. Maybe I just need to let him wonder for a change... not so much because I need him to miss me and come back, but just to feel what its like to be ME for a while. Because IT SUCKS. :mad:

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NowhereToHide
WOW! You have NO idea how badly I needed to hear this! Right at the very moment! I am struggling today... I am walking around "weighing things" in my head. Trying to convince myself he still wants me because he still responds to my emails, says little things that tell me he is quite jealous, tells me he still doesn't know "what the future holds" with his M... all of these things give me hope. FALSE HOPE.

 

But still the urge is there, the habit. I still love him, plain and simple. And knowing he still loves me makes it worse. He's a strong man, has to be in his line of work... He has told me that professionally, give him a disaster or a fire and he will organize and handle it... the bigger the mess the better. But when it comes to us... weak.

 

So today is a bad day for me. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Please, someone just tell me to STOP contacting him all together. Let the chips fall where they may. I can't engineer a breakup, and would I even want to? Let him live his life without me for once. I don't think we have gone more than 24 hours in over 5 months without talking, writing, texting, SOMETHING. Maybe I just need to let him wonder for a change... not so much because I need him to miss me and come back, but just to feel what its like to be ME for a while. Because IT SUCKS. :mad:

 

 

You need to do NC for YOU... not to prove anything to him, for him to SEE anything, for him to have any revelations. NC is for you. To move on and to heal. NC will never work if you're only doing it as a passive-aggressive way to punish him. Trust me. It doesn't work.

 

It sounds like you need NC from him to get some distance... you need to seriously think about what you want in your life. We OWs fall into the trap of only thinking about what they want, what they're thinking, what they're feeling... since when is that okay? We matter more than them. We need to take care of us, our feelings and our hearts, because the MM won't do it -- he's too consumed with either saving his own ass or working on his marriage (or both). He may say he's concerned about you, but what do his actions say?

 

He loves you but he loves his wife more. He wants you both because he's too weak to choose. You deserve better.

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I Miss the Kiss
He loves you but he loves his wife more. He wants you both because he's too weak to choose. You deserve better.

 

:( You are so right. He is too weak, he does want us both. Someone up above somewhere I think posted that a reason for wanting to break NC was to make sure MM didn't forget them, or something to that effect.

 

To be honest, that is probably 99% of the reason why I still email and text him, even though I get very little response (but do get some). I can handle not talking to him. I might not like it, but I have enough I can do to stay busy and not physically pur forth effort to contact him. My problem is feeling "What if he forgets me? What if he discovers its easy to be without me?" That is where I REALLY struggle... :(

 

I have been walking around telling myself this entire day today: IF he is okay with me going NC, if he doesn't came back looking for me or trying to get me back, then that SHOWS me how he really feels. Maybe down deep he will still miss me, etc. But that doesn't matter in the end. If he is ABLE to ignore me, even if he doesn't really want to deep down, then that is all I really need to know.

 

I need NC for ME. MM and his indecisive self can kiss my a**!!! :mad:

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jennie-jennie

NC is pure hell. If you are not absolutely certain you want to cut MM completely out of your life, don't even consider it.

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NowhereToHide
:( You are so right. He is too weak, he does want us both. Someone up above somewhere I think posted that a reason for wanting to break NC was to make sure MM didn't forget them, or something to that effect.

 

To be honest, that is probably 99% of the reason why I still email and text him, even though I get very little response (but do get some). I can handle not talking to him. I might not like it, but I have enough I can do to stay busy and not physically pur forth effort to contact him. My problem is feeling "What if he forgets me? What if he discovers its easy to be without me?" That is where I REALLY struggle... :(

 

I have been walking around telling myself this entire day today: IF he is okay with me going NC, if he doesn't came back looking for me or trying to get me back, then that SHOWS me how he really feels. Maybe down deep he will still miss me, etc. But that doesn't matter in the end. If he is ABLE to ignore me, even if he doesn't really want to deep down, then that is all I really need to know.

 

I need NC for ME. MM and his indecisive self can kiss my a**!!! :mad:

 

 

That was exactly me... my therapist has been pushing me to go NC for months, but I was petrified that he would actually be OKAY without me (I know that sounds ridiculous, but I didn't want him to stop loving me even though I was desperate to stop wanting him). And do you know what my months of LC have taught me? I will never get that answer. Right now, I KNOW he still loves me, still thinks I'm perfect for him, and yes, will miss me. But what about in 1 month? 6 months?

 

The fact of the matter is, he is a pro at compartmentalizing his feelings for me. He's got me in a little box in his head so he doesn't have to deal with his feelings for me. How long will his feelings last? Who knows. But I know that it really isn't worth sticking around to find out. It only causes me pain and humiliation to keep wanting to know.

 

And keep in mind that what he is doing doesn't really have anything to do with you. It has everything to do with him and his need to preserve what he has. So if he does okay with NC, it doesn't mean he isn't missing you... it just means that he is more committed to one path than another.

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Recently I've been having thoughts about meeting with MM one night just to talk -- about the breakup, about things left unsaid, etc. I wasn't satisfied at the way it ended. I just feel how it ended wasn't right. It felt so incomplete and it was so out-of-the-blue. I just want to TALK, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

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Recently I've been having thoughts about meeting with MM one night just to talk -- about the breakup, about things left unsaid, etc. I wasn't satisfied at the way it ended. I just feel how it ended wasn't right. It felt so incomplete and it was so out-of-the-blue. I just want to TALK, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

 

 

if you are not sure if it's a good idea i wouldnt do it. Maybe u're not ready for this "just talk" thing, maybe it would be better wait a bit longer until ur healing process is complete or at least stronger within you. Hang in there, wait. you wont regret.

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NowhereToHide
Recently I've been having thoughts about meeting with MM one night just to talk -- about the breakup, about things left unsaid, etc. I wasn't satisfied at the way it ended. I just feel how it ended wasn't right. It felt so incomplete and it was so out-of-the-blue. I just want to TALK, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

 

 

 

CC, one thing I can guarantee you... you will NEVER be satisfied with how it ends. I felt the same way for so long. I kept bugging my AP because he never answered so many questions for me. I kept telling him that based on what we shared, it needed to end "better". I wanted closure.

 

At one point he gave me exactly what it was that I thought I needed to hear. One time my therapist, who knew I was fixated on this "closure" thing, had me write down exactly what I needed him to say to me. And during one IM session with him, he gave it to me. It was almost funny. It was like he read my script.

 

And guess what? It still wasn't enough. I realized that when these things end, you keep reaching for "something" to make you feel better. You may think that you'll feel more settled if you get the answers to your questions, but in my situation, it did nothing to help. It was more proof that I held the key to the closure for myself, he didn't.

 

I would say it's not worth it. If you've maintained NC for a long time, it might just end up setting you back and bringing up old wounds. And you're taking a big chance that he will be willing (or even capable) of explaining his feelings to you. That's a big IF.

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Devil Inside
DI I'm curious, was it your idea for no contact or how did you come to where you are now?

 

what i find from your posts is that even with a moment of weakness youre a remarkable, sensible person who is giving their all to make it up to the w. and from being in the same situation i know how hard that is.

 

i sometimes think some of these people are a little too harsh. yes the feelings are wrong and we've gotten ourselves into this mess but that doesnt mean that the love you felt for that person and the hurt of losing them isnt real. people talk of BS having troubles many years later. why is it expected for the WS to get over it so quickly?

 

NC was a mutual decision. She ended it. We were in contact for about two months afterward...and it was just painful. We would fight about who's fault it was we were not together and it would end in tears. So after reading here for awhile I told her we should just go NC. She agreed and I think she was relieved on some level and so was I. We had one last conversation...which was our first nice one since we ended it...said our goodbyes..and that is the last contact we have had...over ten weeks now.

 

I want to say...BSs that can accept their WSs back are very special people. They are very strong. I think that the people here that have successful navigated these times n theri marriage are people that were truly able to see the big picture. They were able to be there while their spouse went through their withdrawals from their demons. Somwhere they were able to put their needs aside enough to be able to see what they wanted. I applaud them...it is not easy. It is hard, because you are right...the emotions do not disappear over night. It takes time. However I think we have to be proactive in recovering and recommitting to our marriages if that is what we want. Which is also the hard choice. In the end it is all choices. Remaining together is the hard choice for both BS and WS...a choice they don't have to make.

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Devil Inside
So, DI.... I just wanted you to know.... while I was waiting to see if you were still around to chat tonight I flipped over to Facebook for a minute. And guess who posted a picture of his wife?

 

I sat there for a few minutes looking at it and thinking about exactly how you're feeling right now. 10 weeks of NC and you still have moments of struggling with all of this. And I don't want to struggle anymore. Even as a "friend" he adds nothing to my life.

 

I scrolled down and unfriended him. Just like that.

 

We can do this.

 

 

Thanks for your words. I needed them..and even though I just read them...they helped.

 

We can do this.

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