Need insight into the mind of the MM...

[I Miss the Kiss]

I have an honest question, and anyone who has any experience with this in any way is welcome to answer... Let me preface this by mentioning that I am in the very early stages after the latest D-Day, and I am in a lot of pain. I am a MOW whose MOM 2 weeks ago decided to once again give his marriage 100%... I posted yesterday about this if you need more information on that...

 

But my question you may be able to answer without all of the specifics of my A. Although YES I realize that the A was wrong, and I should not have allowed myself to continue to contact the MM after he "said" he wanted to try to work on his marriage, I did. I am weak and still very fragile and hurt. MM is the same. We never specifically stated we were going NC, so we have just been very LC. He still reads what I send via email, and he responds at times as well. He has texted me also and veiled it as he had "had a few beers" so he was texting to "say hi". I don't think the beers had much to do with it... I think he is as weak as I am.

 

Anway, I am just about to the point where I am ready to go completely NC with him while he "works on" his M, and maybe for good. It is only fair to both of us. I won't heal and he won't be able to work on his M if we stay in contact...

 

My question is purely a selfish one, and it is based entirely on the fragile state of my mind and heart right now. I feel like the more I know and understand about the MM and just the A in general, I will have a better starting point for healing.

 

What I would like to know are the experiences of people who have been in this situation. Do the MM who are trying to "do the right thing" with their M react when they are "ignored" by the MOW, so to speak? Up to now I have been the one who writes the most, etc... mostly because he hates to type LOL. I'm just curious if there is any liklihood that my MM (or I guess he is now the xMM technically) will become a little nervous when I disappear? Because that is what I intend to do once I go NC with him. I am just wondering what I might be facing in terms of temptation.

 

And before anyone says this, I am NOT going NC in an attempt to manipulate him. This has been a long time coming, and I need to do it for ME. Like I said before, I have a very curious mind and I am trying to get a handle on this whole A in general. I would like to know what I could expect to happen if I go cold turkey on him. Just an honest question...

 

Thanks in advance, everyone! I am in such pain... I have never hurt so much in my life...

[robinincarolina]

I am not sure what you want to hear. NC does make the other one wonder I am sure, it plays on their imagination. Will he get nervous, I don't know. I do know MM are a lost cause. You are doing the right thing for your own heart. MM rarely leave and if they do, a lot of drama goes on afterwards and it's rare that a relationship of any kind will survive that drama.

[I Miss the Kiss]

I am not sure what you want to hear. NC does make the other one wonder I am sure, it plays on their imagination. Will he get nervous, I don't know. I do know MM are a lost cause. You are doing the right thing for your own heart. MM rarely leave and if they do, a lot of drama goes on afterwards and it's rare that a relationship of any kind will survive that drama.

 

Thanks I know you are right about the lost cause part, that's for sure! Even if it does play on his imagination, at least it won't be MY imagination for once ! LOL

[pkn06002]

You need to get to the point you don't wonder what he is thinking, it will just kill you. You need NC and to make it through the grieving it is the only way forward.

 

If he wants to work on his marriage let him go, do not be the backup plan if that fails. You just hanging out hoping is painful, I know I did it.

 

Cut your losses and move on and figure out what you need in life. Because you are married as well and have that issue to deal with.

[whichwayisup]

You need to do NC for you, so you can heal. Begin your grieving process..I think once you decide to really let go, closure can start to happen.. Too many questions, wondering what he is thinking/feeling/doing, what's going on his marriage, his wife, how things are between them is only going to create MORE pain for you.

 

Time for ownership, acceptance and letting go.. You two had an affair, you both are married, and yes, the feelings are still there.. It's pointless to keep the feelings alive, limited contact is just making it worse.. How can one let go and heal when you still are intouch with him? The hope you have now HAS TO BE KILLED!

 

Anway, I am just about to the point where I am ready to go completely NC with him while he "works on" his M, and maybe for good. It is only fair to both of us. I won't heal and he won't be able to work on his M if we stay in contact...

 

Time for you to think like this: " am just about to the point where I am ready to go completely NC with him while I work on my M, and maybe for good. It is only fair to both of us. I won't heal and I won't be able to work on MY M if we stay in contact"

 

Again, you just seem TOO concerned about his wellbeing and not your own..More concern about the status of his marriage and not your own..

 

The choice is yours, and it IS a choice - To hang on or to let go.

 

Start by writing him a NC letter and then block/delete his email address.

[Devil Inside]

I cannot completely answer your question because when my xOW and I went NC it was mutual. We had one last conversation where we asked our last questions of each other. We shared some heartfelt last words, and then we closed the door forever. She did not just disappear.

 

After that last conversation I felt like she had died. It really, really, really hurt a lot. I was grieving for awhile. I was tempted to contact her but I never did, and still haven't (yesterday was 10 weeks). Everytime I wanted to I asked myself why I was wanting to contact her...it was always to alleviate the pain of missing her...and having contact with her would only make that worse. I also told myself if I want to show my love for my wife and for my xOW with my actions then I will not pick up that phone.

 

If my xOW was to just disappear on me it would have really hurt me. I would have felt like she was treating me like our relationship meant nothing and that would really hurt. I think in time I would understand that she was protecting her feelings, but it would take awhile to see the big picture. I don't think I would have reacted in some crazy manner...but I would have contacted her many times before giving up.

 

How will your xMM react? Who knows. Everybody is different. If you are ready to stick to NC then I would draft a letter...being very clear and direct that this is the last contact you will have with him. I would not just disappear.

 

I also agree with what others are saying. You will probably never get true closure on this situation if you torture yourself with what is going on in his head. You will always wonder and even if you call him he will not have words to satisfy you. It is best if you can get to a point where you tell yourself it is over and that it doesn't matter what he is going through...you need to heal.

 

Good luck. I know how hard it is to end these relationships...it hurts. Withdrawal will be hard...but we are here to support you.

[Lucky_One]

I do know of some EMA situations that had a D-Day, and the MMs were relieved when contact stopped completely. Then they didn't have to worry so much about the random phone call while they were in the car with their wives, or the random email popping up that wife reads before he can delete it, or the text that is blinking on his phone on the kitchen counter that the kids read.

 

I suspect some of them wonder, but the NC gives them some breathing room.

[NowhereToHide]

Kiss... Oh my, how we are so similar.

 

I spent all my time after our "breakup" wondering what he was feeling, what he was thinking, if he still loved me, if he was happy.... and during that time I never once thought about what I was feeling or what I needed. I was consumed with him.

 

Being married as well, I spent entirely too long invested in this A that I knew could go nowhere. We didn't go NC completely, so our emails and IMs consisted of me reaching and grasping for some indication that he still loved me. It was pathetic and needy. But it was part of my addiction to him.

 

My AP and I are still LC, but very limited. He will still send me an email here and there. I tried to go LC (sent him a NC email shutting the door) and he basically sucked me back in and then tried to dump me on his own terms. Childish, yes. But I'm finding very few of us act rationally when it comes to this stuff.

 

If I had to do it all over again, I would have gone NC MUCH earlier on. It would have hurt like hell, but I would have gotten over this so much sooner. Even now I am angry at myself for investing so much in him at the expense of my marriage.

 

My advice? Send an NC email and stick to it. I KNOW it sounds like torture... but it really is the only way to get over him. You will go through hell, but it's kind of like ripping a band aid off.... It hurts but then it goes away.

 

Can you go to IC? My therapist has been so helpful to me throughout all of this. It's very lonely and isolating to be dealing with all of this while being married with kids. You are trying to be everything for everyone else while you literally feel like you're dying inside. If you can see someone, it will help.

[I Miss the Kiss]

If my xOW was to just disappear on me it would have really hurt me. I would have felt like she was treating me like our relationship meant nothing and that would really hurt. I think in time I would understand that she was protecting her feelings, but it would take awhile to see the big picture. I don't think I would have reacted in some crazy manner...but I would have contacted her many times before giving up.

 

DI, with regard to the above quote from your post (and I hope I am not too confusing when I ask this), would you still have been hurt if she disappeared, even though you were "commited to working on your marriage" as my xMM has told me he is (without a lot of progress, however)? I guess what I am saying is that my xMM should expect me to disappear... after all, he's "working on" his marriage, right? But we never made a NC clause... so I, to date, have not disappeared, and neither has he. What it boils down to is even though he took a stand and made this decision to work 100% on his marriage (but is still in LC with me), will he still wonder WTH happened to me if I fall off the face of the earth??

 

That being said, after reading a lot of the responses to my original post, I KNOW I shouldn't be worried about what he is thinking or doing. That is my goal, trust me. But I do still have this question in my mind, and I am just hoping DI can clarify that part of his response to me.

 

Thank you again, everyone. Each and every reply I receive is helpful in one way or another. I am feeling stronger every minute!!!!

[Devil Inside]

DI, with regard to the above quote from your post (and I hope I am not too confusing when I ask this), would you still have been hurt if she disappeared, even though you were "commited to working on your marriage" as my xMM has told me he is (without a lot of progress, however)? I guess what I am saying is that my xMM should expect me to disappear... after all, he's "working on" his marriage, right? But we never made a NC clause... so I, to date, have not disappeared, and neither has he. What it boils down to is even though he took a stand and made this decision to work 100% on his marriage (but is still in LC with me), will he still wonder WTH happened to me if I fall off the face of the earth??

 

That being said, after reading a lot of the responses to my original post, I KNOW I shouldn't be worried about what he is thinking or doing. That is my goal, trust me. But I do still have this question in my mind, and I am just hoping DI can clarify that part of his response to me.

 

Thank you again, everyone. Each and every reply I receive is helpful in one way or another. I am feeling stronger every minute!!!!

 

Oh Kiss.

 

I can tell you what I think I would have felt...but that wasn't the situation so I am guessing. This is also not what your xMM is thinking...he and I are different cats..but hey I can try to give you some insight I suppose.

 

If I had been the one to stop the affair then I would probably have more of a basis to understand why she disappeared...but it would still suck if it came with no warning. I mean affairs are not rational. The whole time you were together he was married, and yet I am sure he had many expectations of you...whether it made sense or not.

 

You know what they say happens when you assume...you make an a$$ of you and me! It is dangerous to assume that he will expect you to disappear. I am not saying that you should not disappear...just that you should tell him that you are doing it. If you don't he may think that you still want him to reach out to you. You need to be clear that this is it, and that he should never contact you again....if that is what you want.

[I Miss the Kiss]

The whole time you were together he was married, and yet I am sure he had many expectations of you...whether it made sense or not.

 

You know what they say happens when you assume...you make an a$$ of you and me! It is dangerous to assume that he will expect you to disappear. I am not saying that you should not disappear...just that you should tell him that you are doing it. If you don't he may think that you still want him to reach out to you. You need to be clear that this is it, and that he should never contact you again....if that is what you want.

 

DI, you are absolutely right. He did have expectations of me, although he was very, very skilled at not telling me that. However, one night when he had told his W that he was going to live on his boat (a big one) for a while so he could sort himself out, he texted me that night when het got himself "moved in" there. I had fallen asleep and didn't reply until a few hours later, which was around 11 p.m. The text response from him was "Where have you been?" I replied, "I fell asleep." (which was true). He then sweetly told me on the phone the next day, trying to be as un-obvious as he could, "I thought maybe you were on a date or something... Just wondering if you had given up on me yet..." (I need to clarify that he based the "date" thing on the fact that my H had left home for a few days due to the turmoil and our inability to coexist.... H has since returned). So even though he rarely said it, I know MM was worried he would lose me in some form or another... but that is irrelevant now. He chose to lose me when he went back to his W, no matter how weak and how insincere that was. I say that because if he truly wanted to work 100% on his M, he would NOT contact me at all and would not reply. Once in a moment of my own sheer weakness, I asked him, "Do you need me to go away, out of your life completely while you do this?" (Yes, I was fishing for validation, no doubt about it...). His reply: "No, I don't think I want that. I always want you in my life..."

 

And so it goes... he is a fence-sitter... He loves me, I have no doubt about that. But he is not willing to leave his M and his W. He loves her but is not in love with her, and he can't give up on the commitment he made to her. He tells me frequently he is "happy" on the outside but thinks of me constantly on the inside. Go figure... Compartmentalize much?! LOL Its time I love MYSELF more than I love him...

 

You are also correct that I need to draft a NC letter and stick to it, not just disappear. I think more than anything he would be worried SICK if I just disappeared, because I have never once done that in over 5 months. Not once. We are long-distance, so he would have no way of knowing if I was ok if I just disappeared, and that might prompt him to contact me, which I don't need at all....

 

Thanks again.... you all ROCK! Seriously!

[MistyK]

Once in a moment of my own sheer weakness, I asked him, "Do you need me to go away, out of your life completely while you do this?" (Yes, I was fishing for validation, no doubt about it...). His reply: "No, I don't think I want that. I always want you in my life..."

 

And so it goes... he is a fence-sitter... He loves me, I have no doubt about that. But he is not willing to leave his M and his W. He loves her but is not in love with her, and he can't give up on the commitment he made to her. He tells me frequently he is "happy" on the outside but thinks of me constantly on the inside. Go figure... Compartmentalize much?!

 

MTK,

one thing I find so fascinating about LS is that there are so many parallels across so many different people's experiences. I also heard the exact same stuff you mentioned above here from MM.

 

One thing of note here though - you keep saying he's not willing to leave his M and W. I am not getting the impression that you were prepared to leave your H and M either (forgive me if I missed something)....from the outside it appears that you wanted him to make the first move, and staying in your M is the "default" choice. Your MM may well have had the same thoughts regarding you and your situation - maybe he was waiting for you to make the first move. Who knows?

 

Anyway, I hope you can figure out where to go from here with your M regardless of your MM. NC can be the first step in seperating the two issues for a good examination.

[GreenX]

MTK, I read through your other thread along with this one and didn't see any mention whether your MM had kids? I know you mentioned something about his family being highly religious but no mention of children, aside from the 4 you stated that you had.

 

I wonder if one reason he is working things through with the wife is because of kids? Does his wife work? Can she support herself were they to split? Just thoughts that come to mind. What about you? Are you working and would you be able to support yourself should you and your H split?

 

So sorry for the pain you're going through

[I Miss the Kiss]

MTK, I read through your other thread along with this one and didn't see any mention whether your MM had kids? I know you mentioned something about his family being highly religious but no mention of children, aside from the 4 you stated that you had.

 

I wonder if one reason he is working things through with the wife is because of kids? Does his wife work? Can she support herself were they to split? Just thoughts that come to mind. What about you? Are you working and would you be able to support yourself should you and your H split?

 

So sorry for the pain you're going through

 

GreenX,

 

Yes, MM has 2 children as well. His wife works, but only one day a week. She has the training and ability, however, to work full-time if she had to. Their children are school-age now.

 

I do work and could support myself. So those are the answers to your questions, but I guess in the end it doesn't matter whether his W could work or not. He isn't leaving her, at least not now. Thank you for your kind words...

[I Miss the Kiss]

One thing of note here though - you keep saying he's not willing to leave his M and W. I am not getting the impression that you were prepared to leave your H and M either (forgive me if I missed something)....from the outside it appears that you wanted him to make the first move, and staying in your M is the "default" choice. Your MM may well have had the same thoughts regarding you and your situation - maybe he was waiting for you to make the first move. Who knows?

 

Misty:

 

Actually, I was prepared to leave my M. I'm not proud of it, but I was. My H and I were (and still are) hanging on by a thread since he knows everything. I mean EVERTHING. However, things are better now and have calmed somewhat. My MM knew full well that I was prepared to leave. He was actually looking for rentals for me and helping me search out a new vehicle (as my current one is in my H's name and I felt I should get a car of my own if I left, obviously). So to make a long story short, my MM was very aware of my plans to leave and was even involved in those plans. Maybe in the beginning MM might have been afraid I would not leave, but not in the last few months...

[OWoman]

MTK,

 

I must add my voice to the chorus that sings that insight into the mind of the MM won't help you very much. It's not a rational place to be, and it will both confuse and provoke you. You will find much there to give you hope, and much there to give you despair. A MM's mind is typically full of contradictions. He will want you very badly, at the same time he wants what he has (W, kids, etc) very badly. You will feel every emotion in the book in response to what you see there. It is far better, given your situation, not to look.

 

DI's advice on writing a NC letter is sound, I think - in articulating what YOU want, and why you want it, you are stating your own position for yourself as much as for him. Sending it to him not only informs him of your intentions - and gives him the chance to respect them - but also draws your own line in the sand. In As, too often OWs do not draw enough lines in the sand, and tend far too often to be "all about the MM" and what suits him rather than what they want and need, and how he should go about meeting that. For many OWs, drawing that line in the sand with a NC letter is the first time they assert their power in the R, and the start to claiming that power back and harnessing it elsewhere in their lives.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so. Hopefully NC will allow that to lessen over time, too - the mantra promises "NC = no new hurts"... Hang in there!

[I Miss the Kiss]

I'm sorry you're hurting so. Hopefully NC will allow that to lessen over time, too - the mantra promises "NC = no new hurts"... Hang in there!

 

OWoman, if you don't mind, I am adding part of your reply to me as my new signature line! I MUST remember this! NC=no new hurts!!! Thank you so much for plainly saying what I should have known all along... This does hurt (SO MUCH), but I know I was a strong and independent woman before the A, and I can get there again. I love my xMM, but my self-respect needs to prevail...

[Devil Inside]

MTK,

 

A MM's mind is typically full of contradictions. He will want you very badly, at the same time he wants what he has (W, kids, etc) very badly. You will feel every emotion in the book in response to what you see there. It is far better, given your situation, not to look.

 

 

If you need any proof of this point just read my thread Inside the Mind of a Cheater....I confuse even myself....it's crazy making for sure!

[blinded]

MTK,

 

I must add my voice to the chorus that sings that insight into the mind of the MM won't help you very much. It's not a rational place to be, and it will both confuse and provoke you. You will find much there to give you hope, and much there to give you despair. A MM's mind is typically full of contradictions. He will want you very badly, at the same time he wants what he has (W, kids, etc) very badly. You will feel every emotion in the book in response to what you see there. It is far better, given your situation, not to look.

 

DI's advice on writing a NC letter is sound, I think - in articulating what YOU want, and why you want it, you are stating your own position for yourself as much as for him. Sending it to him not only informs him of your intentions - and gives him the chance to respect them - but also draws your own line in the sand. In As, too often OWs do not draw enough lines in the sand, and tend far too often to be "all about the MM" and what suits him rather than what they want and need, and how he should go about meeting that. For many OWs, drawing that line in the sand with a NC letter is the first time they assert their power in the R, and the start to claiming that power back and harnessing it elsewhere in their lives.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting so. Hopefully NC will allow that to lessen over time, too - the mantra promises "NC = no new hurts"... Hang in there!

 

IMTK, I understand how you feel. It cuts like a knife to know that he's doing the right thing (for everyone involved) and choosing to devote his time to his W despite knowing how he feels about you. BUT be prepared for anything once you send that letter. I say this b/c I recently did this w/my xMM. I sent a letter telling him how I feel about the situation and he responded so out of character that it left me crushed.

 

I have looked at my letter as a bad decision, but after reading this post, I feel I could hold my head a little higher today. I finally stood up for myself and put my heart out there. It's not my fault he doesn't have any respect for anyone but himself. You need to do what's best for you. Don't worry about what he's thinking.

[NoIDidn't]

I must add my voice to the chorus that sings that insight into the mind of the MM won't help you very much. It's not a rational place to be, and it will both confuse and provoke you. You will find much there to give you hope, and much there to give you despair. A MM's mind is typically full of contradictions. He will want you very badly, at the same time he wants what he has (W, kids, etc) very badly. You will feel every emotion in the book in response to what you see there. It is far better, given your situation, not to look.

 

Great post. I completely agree.