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Fantasy vs. Reality


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NowhereToHide

There has been a lot of reference to this in many threads... this idea of whether or not one's affair was only based in fantasy vs. a marriage which is based in reality.

 

I do believe for me that my A was based in fantasy. It was supercharged by the excitement, the newness and the infatuation with someone that gave me adoration, attention and affection. It had nothing to do with "real" life in terms of financial pressures, raising kids, trouble at work, family obligations, etc.

 

So... would my life with my AP over time just become an "ordinary, regular" marriage with the same "realities" as I have now?

 

Also, my A was short... only about 3 months. Is time a factor? The longer an A goes on, the less fantasy-based it is?

 

 

Then there's this idea of the "reality" of marriage. There's been a lot of discussion about whether or not people who use that term to describe their marriage are in fact, settling. That if your marriage is succumbing to life's realities, then maybe you aren't married to the right person?

 

Is it, in fact, realistic for the passion in a marriage to diminish to almost a "maintenance" level?

 

Most marriages become stable, comfortable, and fairly unexciting in my experience. Is that just an indication of having spent 20 years together or is it an indication that something needs to be fixed?

 

 

Thoughts?

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It is not possible to maintain the high of an affair forever in a regular relationship. Psychologists seem to agree on this one point.

 

Like it or not, passion fades. Even in the best of couplings.

 

It doesn't really matter to me if the feelings are based on reality or fantasy because the feelings are still there and will have to be dealt with when "real" reality comes into play.

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NowhereToHide
It is not possible to maintain the high of an affair forever in a regular relationship. Psychologists seem to agree on this one point.

 

Like it or not, passion fades. Even in the best of couplings.

 

It doesn't really matter to me if the feelings are based on reality or fantasy because the feelings are still there and will have to be dealt with when "real" reality comes into play.

 

 

I tend to agree. As exciting as it was, we weren't dealing with real life. In fact, it was about as opposite of real life as one can get. In an A you almost go out of your way to keep "reality" out of it.

 

I think the time factor is an interesting question. I agree that you can't maintain that high.... I wonder what time frame it is for most?

 

Do you believe that passion fades completely? Can you maintain passion? Or maybe bring passion back to the surface on certain occasions? (I'm speaking of marriage).

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This is an interesting topic.

 

My sibling, a Phd focusing on long-term romantic love, has proven through research and experiments that that "in love" feeling commonly seen in new relationships CAN last well into marriage. It IS possible to remain deeply "in love" with your partner, despite the common thought being that romantic love dies and becomes replaced with a companionate type of love as the years progress.

 

As for affairs, I don't know. I was with my MM for almost 10 months and we still definitely had that "affair high" when we got together. Then again, ten months isn't long in comparison to some who have been together for 10 years.

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In my marriage, passion comes in waves. It reaches it's peak then slowly decreases until one or both of us realize we need to reignite the fire. The passion we feel for one another is not as steady as it was when we were two teenagers falling in love who couldn't wait to be around each other. In my marriage, we have to create situations in which we can feel that anticipation and excitement. It just doesn't happen on it's own like it used too. I expected that the passion would fade though. I never expected it to stay.

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This is an interesting topic.

 

My sibling, a Phd focusing on long-term romantic love, has proven through research and experiments that that "in love" feeling commonly seen in new relationships CAN last well into marriage. It IS possible to remain deeply "in love" with your partner, despite the common thought being that romantic love dies and becomes replaced with a companionate type of love as the years progress.

 

As for affairs, I don't know. I was with my MM for almost 10 months and we still definitely had that "affair high" when we got together. Then again, ten months isn't long in comparison to some who have been together for 10 years.

 

 

CC... not to put you on the spot, but under what circumstances did they find this was occurring? Was it based on the couple's attitudes before entering into the marriage or was it something they were doing in the marriage to maintain the passion?

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CC... not to put you on the spot, but under what circumstances did they find this was occurring? Was it based on the couple's attitudes before entering into the marriage or was it something they were doing in the marriage to maintain the passion?

 

Honestly, I don't know! I could ask, though, if that's something you'd like to know, but it would have to be through PM.

 

How many times do you have to post to be able to PM someone?

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I don't think it has anything to do with fantasy or reality.

I think the feeling of being supercharged by the excitement, the newness and the infatuation is typical of any new relationship, not just an A. Eventually, if given the time and opportunity the two people involved in the A would begin to see each other in a more comfortable light and whose to say that they wouldn't be able to deal with all of life's problems and pressures together.

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NWH, I disagree with NID (respectfully) It is possible to maintain the excitement in a marriage, but extra effort is required. Mrs. Jack and I will do anything, to strengthen our romance and lust for each other. Sometimes to the determent of other things.

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IMO, unless an event is imaginary, it's reality. An affair is a different kind of reality. A "fantasy" shouldn't cause pain for anyone, especially the people who didn't even get to enjoy the fantasy,

 

Fantasy (or escape from the everyday stress of life) can be part of a marriage too. There have been many times that my H and I have gone away for a day or two and escaped into a "fantasy". That doesn't mean I don't love and enjoy other parts of my life as well.

 

I think the A is like a fix. Almost like a drug and just as bad for you. The feeling is no different than the high an addict might get. Yes, you can get that high in a marriage, but as time goes on, it takes effort since you know each other so well. Effort that is well worth it!

 

That is one of the many changes we made post affair. We both take the time for each other and make the effort to keep our relationship exciting. A change I sure can live with!;):D

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Devil Inside

When I look back at my A I look at it this way. We were put into a fantasy situation. Away from responsibilities, meeting in hotels, focusing on pleasing each other, the anticipation building, having hours long conversations where we whispered sweet nothings to each other. It was a situation and environment that would not exist fully if we were to be together outside of that dynamic...especially because of the reality of what would have to change for that to happen.

 

Now the feelings...those were real. Those are real. It's like a test tube baby...yeah it was created in an artificial environment...but...it results in something that is as real.

 

My therapist is always telling me that I do not know what a future would have been like with my OW. He does not let me either idealize it or doom it...he keeps me in the reality of the situation...I will never know...and also, making sure that I always connect this to my ambivalence over my marriage. One effects the other and I need to stay mindful of that. I must judge the two differently.

 

So does this mean that I am settling for the reality of my marriage. I think that I honestly have not been in a position yet where I realize the reality of my marriage. I am trying to get there so that I can decide if I am settling or not.

 

As for if passion can be sustainable. From all I have read it really does take proactive steps to maintain passion. More realistically it ebbs and flows. However, CC what you mention sounds very interesting.

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moaningmyrtle

After I discovered my H's affair and long before I found LoveShack, he repeatedly said to me the A was a fantasy and that it was "just" feelings. This hurt me tremendously because my pain was so real to me. After a while I came to realise that he meant that the A was not "real life" to him and he seemed to hope it wasn't to the OW either.

 

I saw e-mails exchanged between him and her in which he referred to this. These acknowledged that the A existed without the stresses and strains of domestic existence, finances, work and children and basically said the A could not continue if these "real life" things were to intrude. I know from what he said to me about her and also from the one occasion I met her to discuss the A that she seemed to view it differently. She was very distressed and repeated over and over again that she always knew he would never leave me (the implication being no matter how hard she tried).

 

I don't agree that an A is a fantasy in the true sense of the word as clearly it does have an existence. It's more that As exist in an artificial atmosphere that don't resemble what we tend to think of as a normal life.

 

LS is testament that many don't survive the transition from A to a normal relationship. Often the parties don't even try to do this; ie the typical MM who ends the A post d-day. Other MM try to maintain both relationships post d-day, usually alienating everybody as far as I can see. Other MM do leave their W, but even then the A relationship doesn't always go on to become a normal relationship.

 

I think my H who is very grounded in reality in all other areas of his life knew that a relationship with the OW was never going to survive a transition to being the primary relationship, so to her disappointment he didn't even try. It doesn't mean it was a fantasy though.

 

I agree with herenow. We are doing very similar things to keep the passion and fun alive. I'm not complaining about it, thats for sure.

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howcouldInotknow
IMO, unless an event is imaginary, it's reality. An affair is a different kind of reality. A "fantasy" shouldn't cause pain for anyone, especially the people who didn't even get to enjoy the fantasy,

 

Fantasy (or escape from the everyday stress of life) can be part of a marriage too. There have been many times that my H and I have gone away for a day or two and escaped into a "fantasy". That doesn't mean I don't love and enjoy other parts of my life as well.

 

I think the A is like a fix. Almost like a drug and just as bad for you. The feeling is no different than the high an addict might get. Yes, you can get that high in a marriage, but as time goes on, it takes effort since you know each other so well. Effort that is well worth it!

 

That is one of the many changes we made post affair. We both take the time for each other and make the effort to keep our relationship exciting. A change I sure can live with!;):D

 

 

I agree calling an Affair a fantasy is a cop out IMO. I dated a separated man for over a year and our relationship never had that "fantasy" quality to it. We discussed bills, work, financial issues, it was very realy and there was a certain level of comfort. He was apart of every aspect of my life and I was apart of his. We didn't shy away from reality. So for people who say their A was a fantasy that in my opinion is a way to take less responsibility for their actions and to belittle the emotions they felt outside of their marriage

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hello all

 

ok my MM and I were together for almost 2 years and we had made plans, i was calling school boards for my son we were looking at relocating and new homes, we constantly talked about his work my work and our finaces. hmmmm Fantasy??? I am not sure i would go that far as to say that my R with MM was all Fantasy, I new my married man from high school we dated then and reconnected two years ago, although the end of the R was absolutly harsh and uncalled for (the way he ended it) i still am no convinced that the A was a complete Fantasy

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Devil Inside
I agree calling an Affair a fantasy is a cop out IMO. I dated a separated man for over a year and our relationship never had that "fantasy" quality to it. We discussed bills, work, financial issues, it was very realy and there was a certain level of comfort. He was apart of every aspect of my life and I was apart of his. We didn't shy away from reality.

 

I know in my affair we discussed real issues. We often relied on each other for support in parenting and other real issues. However it is one thing to discuss these issues and another to share these responsibilities.

 

 

So for people who say their A was a fantasy that in my opinion is a way to take less responsibility for their actions and to belittle the emotions they felt outside of their marriage

 

Regardless of whether a person feels their emotions were fantasy or not (I don't) they still have to be responsible for their actions...so I don't really agree with this statement.

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I know in my affair we discussed real issues. We often relied on each other for support in parenting and other real issues. However it is one thing to discuss these issues and another to share these responsibilities.

 

Please don't take this as bashing, it's just a feeling I got when I read this.

 

IMO, I would much rather deal with my H having sex with an OW than having to deal with my H having conversations with said OW about parenting "our" kids.

 

Thankfully, my H's OW didn't want to know anything or hear anything about me, our marriage or our kids. In her reality we just didn't exist.

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There has been a lot of reference to this in many threads... this idea of whether or not one's affair was only based in fantasy vs. a marriage which is based in reality.

 

I do believe for me that my A was based in fantasy. It was supercharged by the excitement, the newness and the infatuation with someone that gave me adoration, attention and affection. It had nothing to do with "real" life in terms of financial pressures, raising kids, trouble at work, family obligations, etc.

 

So... would my life with my AP over time just become an "ordinary, regular" marriage with the same "realities" as I have now?

 

Also, my A was short... only about 3 months. Is time a factor? The longer an A goes on, the less fantasy-based it is?

 

 

Then there's this idea of the "reality" of marriage. There's been a lot of discussion about whether or not people who use that term to describe their marriage are in fact, settling. That if your marriage is succumbing to life's realities, then maybe you aren't married to the right person?

 

Is it, in fact, realistic for the passion in a marriage to diminish to almost a "maintenance" level?

 

Most marriages become stable, comfortable, and fairly unexciting in my experience. Is that just an indication of having spent 20 years together or is it an indication that something needs to be fixed?

 

 

Thoughts?

 

My thoughts......

 

My marriage is full of passion, love and friendship. I have been married almost 12 years. My affair was about 14 years ago and lasted 2 years. I had been divorced a year when I met the MM I had an affair with (we worked together) and after my affair ended, I met my H about 2 months later.

 

I believe unless you live day in and day out with the person you are having an affair with, it is not based in reality.

 

With the Affair Person, you don't pay bills, discuss budgeting, figure out which bills are paid first, what to do with the 401k.

 

With the AP, you don't deal with a sick person, you don't deal with vomiting, diareha, making soup, cleaning up after getting sick.

 

With an AP, you don't discuss (if there are kids) the homework, the teachers, the projects, back to school night, back to school shopping, planning for their college, who is going to take off when the kids are sick, picking up medicine for the sick kids, etc.

 

With the AP you don't deal with their dirty laundry, accidents in underwear, grocery shopping, dirty dishes, cleaning the house, household chores, washing the cars, making sure cars are inspected, yard work.

 

With the AF, there aren't the normal day to day issues a married couple have. It is more based on 'new' sex, discovering each other, learning likes and dislikes (in and out of the bedroom). Things that the married couple did when they were dating.

 

Sure, marriages can lose the butterfly feelings, the rush of 'new' sex, the thrill of making time to see each other. With affairs, there is the 'sneaking around' rush, the whispered conversations, the hurried moments.

 

That is why to me, affairs are based in fantasy, not reality. Because you truly don't know the person as well as the spouse does. Many LIKE to believe they know them better than the spouse :laugh: but I don't believe that at all.

 

It is up to the 2 married people to keep the marriage alive. It isn't just 1 persons fault. BOTH need to be stay as invested as they did when they dated. I know marriage can get hum drum and boring.

 

But life isn't all about thrills. I actually enjoy my 'boring' marriage. I like knowing that my H is there for me - no matter the time. I have him to come home to each night. He emails me every morning and calls me every night on his way home. If I am having a bad day, he calls me to check on me. He KNOWS me, he knows my emotions, he knows my thoughts, he knows how to make me feel better. We grocery shop together, we go clothes shopping for me together. He always surprises me with birthday / Christmas gifts even though we have a 'rule' of no gifts :love: Ever month for the first year we were married, he sent me flowers on our anniversary.

 

He takes the time each and every day to let me know he loves me, he cares for me. He makes me feel secure. I KNOW we will be together until we die and we know each other's wishes for our deaths, whether we want life support, organ donation, type of burial.

 

In my affair, it was about the moments; we couldn't plan a future because he was MARRIED to someone else. Sure, we could talk about it, but it wasn't like we could sit down and discuss which stocks to buy or what we wanted to get the kids for Christmas.

 

We didn't share a life; we shared moments in time. He belonged to someone else. He wasn't mine; he was married.

 

Passion CAN last well into marriage; as long as BOTH people work on it. I am passionately in love with my H and he is passionately in love with me.

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NowhereToHide
I agree calling an Affair a fantasy is a cop out IMO. I dated a separated man for over a year and our relationship never had that "fantasy" quality to it. We discussed bills, work, financial issues, it was very realy and there was a certain level of comfort. He was apart of every aspect of my life and I was apart of his. We didn't shy away from reality. So for people who say their A was a fantasy that in my opinion is a way to take less responsibility for their actions and to belittle the emotions they felt outside of their marriage

 

 

My AP lived 500 miles away, so all of our contact (except for one visit) was through texting, phone and email. I agree with another poster that said you are sharing "moments", not a life together.

 

I don't believe at all that referring to an affair as "fantasy" is a cop out by any means. I don't think many of us had the "reality" you shared with your AP (with the bills, etc.). You know what my AP and I discussed??? US. We talked about our feelings about US. It was completely self-centered and devoid of any reality outside of US. To me, that isn't reality. It's experiencing someone on a completely different plane.

 

And there aren't many people on these boards that I've seen who are trying to take less responsibility for their actions. I have never done that. And am I belittling the emotions I shared with my AP? No... but I will say that 6 months post-A has given me much better insight into exactly what it was.

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NowhereToHide
My thoughts......

 

My marriage is full of passion, love and friendship. I have been married almost 12 years. My affair was about 14 years ago and lasted 2 years. I had been divorced a year when I met the MM I had an affair with (we worked together) and after my affair ended, I met my H about 2 months later.

 

I believe unless you live day in and day out with the person you are having an affair with, it is not based in reality.

 

With the Affair Person, you don't pay bills, discuss budgeting, figure out which bills are paid first, what to do with the 401k.

 

With the AP, you don't deal with a sick person, you don't deal with vomiting, diareha, making soup, cleaning up after getting sick.

 

With an AP, you don't discuss (if there are kids) the homework, the teachers, the projects, back to school night, back to school shopping, planning for their college, who is going to take off when the kids are sick, picking up medicine for the sick kids, etc.

 

With the AP you don't deal with their dirty laundry, accidents in underwear, grocery shopping, dirty dishes, cleaning the house, household chores, washing the cars, making sure cars are inspected, yard work.

 

With the AF, there aren't the normal day to day issues a married couple have. It is more based on 'new' sex, discovering each other, learning likes and dislikes (in and out of the bedroom). Things that the married couple did when they were dating.

 

Sure, marriages can lose the butterfly feelings, the rush of 'new' sex, the thrill of making time to see each other. With affairs, there is the 'sneaking around' rush, the whispered conversations, the hurried moments.

 

That is why to me, affairs are based in fantasy, not reality. Because you truly don't know the person as well as the spouse does. Many LIKE to believe they know them better than the spouse :laugh: but I don't believe that at all.

 

It is up to the 2 married people to keep the marriage alive. It isn't just 1 persons fault. BOTH need to be stay as invested as they did when they dated. I know marriage can get hum drum and boring.

 

But life isn't all about thrills. I actually enjoy my 'boring' marriage. I like knowing that my H is there for me - no matter the time. I have him to come home to each night. He emails me every morning and calls me every night on his way home. If I am having a bad day, he calls me to check on me. He KNOWS me, he knows my emotions, he knows my thoughts, he knows how to make me feel better. We grocery shop together, we go clothes shopping for me together. He always surprises me with birthday / Christmas gifts even though we have a 'rule' of no gifts :love: Ever month for the first year we were married, he sent me flowers on our anniversary.

 

He takes the time each and every day to let me know he loves me, he cares for me. He makes me feel secure. I KNOW we will be together until we die and we know each other's wishes for our deaths, whether we want life support, organ donation, type of burial.

 

In my affair, it was about the moments; we couldn't plan a future because he was MARRIED to someone else. Sure, we could talk about it, but it wasn't like we could sit down and discuss which stocks to buy or what we wanted to get the kids for Christmas.

 

We didn't share a life; we shared moments in time. He belonged to someone else. He wasn't mine; he was married.

 

Passion CAN last well into marriage; as long as BOTH people work on it. I am passionately in love with my H and he is passionately in love with me.

 

 

Fooled, great post. Thank you.

 

You give me hope for what to strive for in my own marriage. You are very blessed!

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Fooled, great post. Thank you.

 

You give me hope for what to strive for in my own marriage. You are very blessed!

 

That was very nice of you to say.

 

It hasn't been easy - because we both brought children to our marriage and blending families was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Heck, it made my divorce look like a cake walk :laugh:

 

I AM very lucky and I don't take that for granted. I have to remind myself to make sure my H doesn't feel like I take him for granted and that he knows how truly special he is in my life. I am very glad that I met him at the right time.

 

I also don't regret my former marriage OR my Affair because both brought things to me and my life that without, I wouldn't have been in the right place at the right time to meet my H.

 

I try to live my life without regrets, because what good are regrets? We all screw up and make mistakes. We hopefully learn and grow from those. Both my first marriage and my affair helped shape me into who I am today. I was devastated when my affair ended - I laid in bed and wallowed in depression and self pity. I thought he hung the moon. He hurt me to the core of my being. Maybe that is what I needed in my life at that time.

 

But I was able to love again and I found someone who looked past my faults and helped me learn to love ME again. The love I share with my H is more deep than I thought I could ever feel. It is a very different love than I have ever experienced and I have faith that all fOW will find a new, different, deep love again with someone they don't have to share with another and will have someone that is all 'theirs'.

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NowhereToHide
That was very nice of you to say.

 

It hasn't been easy - because we both brought children to our marriage and blending families was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Heck, it made my divorce look like a cake walk :laugh:

 

I AM very lucky and I don't take that for granted. I have to remind myself to make sure my H doesn't feel like I take him for granted and that he knows how truly special he is in my life. I am very glad that I met him at the right time.

 

I also don't regret my former marriage OR my Affair because both brought things to me and my life that without, I wouldn't have been in the right place at the right time to meet my H.

 

I try to live my life without regrets, because what good are regrets? We all screw up and make mistakes. We hopefully learn and grow from those. Both my first marriage and my affair helped shape me into who I am today. I was devastated when my affair ended - I laid in bed and wallowed in depression and self pity. I thought he hung the moon. He hurt me to the core of my being. Maybe that is what I needed in my life at that time.

 

But I was able to love again and I found someone who looked past my faults and helped me learn to love ME again. The love I share with my H is more deep than I thought I could ever feel. It is a very different love than I have ever experienced and I have faith that all fOW will find a new, different, deep love again with someone they don't have to share with another and will have someone that is all 'theirs'.

 

 

Fooled -- It helps to hear you say all of this.

 

I, too, was completely devastated at the ending of my A (mostly from abandonment issues and dealing with my addiction to him). It took a lot for me to come back from that. My therapist often tells me that, while my A caused me to go through the darkest, worst period of my life, I need to look at the gifts that were given to me "in dirty wrapping paper". There ARE gifts from the pain... I hope one day I can be so sure of them as you are.

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Fooled -- It helps to hear you say all of this.

 

I, too, was completely devastated at the ending of my A (mostly from abandonment issues and dealing with my addiction to him). It took a lot for me to come back from that. My therapist often tells me that, while my A caused me to go through the darkest, worst period of my life, I need to look at the gifts that were given to me "in dirty wrapping paper". There ARE gifts from the pain... I hope one day I can be so sure of them as you are.

 

You will be ;) The fact that you are owning what you did, the fact that you are owning your actions and the fact that you are coming to terms with the hurt and pain all mean you are on the right path.

 

While you loved and loved deeply, you also are aware that it wasn't 'reality' and you deserved so much more than 2nd best. And I believe that when you are the OW, you are in 2nd place, not 1st place where each woman deserves to be. No person should ever have to share the person they love with someone else.

 

It takes courage to walk away from the person you love when you know that the relationship WILL hurt someone else (especially when the other person is in the dark). It takes courage to fight for YOURSELF and to NOT settle for less than what you are deserved.

 

We all could sit around and wait for the day when some man / woman is available to us.... doesn't that just sound silly?

 

ACTIONS always speak louder than words and sitting around in an affair, year after year, watching life pass you by, sitting alone on holidays, spending time waiting or an email, a phone call, a text .... all the while the other person is living life... how is that good or healthy for anyone.

 

Sure, it is easier to see it after you are out of it and healed. Kinda like the Monday morning quarterbacking after a football game.

 

Woulda coulda shoulda ...... life is way too short to not LIVE it and either live it alone and happy or in a monogamous relationship happy. Sitting around on the sidelines waiting for your turn is not healthy for anyone.

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Devil Inside
Please don't take this as bashing, it's just a feeling I got when I read this.

 

IMO, I would much rather deal with my H having sex with an OW than having to deal with my H having conversations with said OW about parenting "our" kids.

 

Thankfully, my H's OW didn't want to know anything or hear anything about me, our marriage or our kids. In her reality we just didn't exist.

 

My W didn't like that I talked about real life with my OW. Makes sense. Kids, however are a big part of my life...so they factor into me sharing myself with anyone...including the OW.

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I can understand how someone who is happily married and spends a lot of time with their spouse may feel that nothing less is reality. But not all marriages work like that and not all affairs are a quickie here and there.

 

Many of the people I work with live separately from their spouses during the working week and spend weekends with their famililes but not all weekends.

 

So for example in my situation where I was basically living with xMM during the week, I saw far more of him for a period of time, did the day in and day out with him and even after the PA was over still participated in many aspects of his life in ways his W chose not to and participated in important decisions that one would expect a spouse to be involved in.

 

So not all affairs are alike. Despite how difficult things have been in the past year or two since it ended, I know it was based on reality. It was not a fantasy.

 

Some affairs may be based on fantasy. But in many cases it seems to me that people in all aspects of the triangle, BS, WS and OW/OM, need to believe affairs are based on a fantasy because it is the viewpoint that helps them move forward with or maintain their beliefs about their lives.

 

And there is nothing wrong with that. Our lives are based largely on how we perceive events. But that doesnt make it true in all cases.

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NowhereToHide
I can understand how someone who is happily married and spends a lot of time with their spouse may feel that nothing less is reality. But not all marriages work like that and not all affairs are a quickie here and there.

 

Many of the people I work with live separately from their spouses during the working week and spend weekends with their famililes but not all weekends.

 

So for example in my situation where I was basically living with xMM during the week, I saw far more of him for a period of time, did the day in and day out with him and even after the PA was over still participated in many aspects of his life in ways his W chose not to and participated in important decisions that one would expect a spouse to be involved in.

 

So not all affairs are alike. Despite how difficult things have been in the past year or two since it ended, I know it was based on reality. It was not a fantasy.

 

Some affairs may be based on fantasy. But in many cases it seems to me that people in all aspects of the triangle, BS, WS and OW/OM, need to believe affairs are based on a fantasy because it is the viewpoint that helps them move forward with or maintain their beliefs about their lives.

 

And there is nothing wrong with that. Our lives are based largely on how we perceive events. But that doesnt make it true in all cases.

 

 

So true... not all affairs are alike. That is evident just from reading these boards.

 

There's been so much discussion on both sides of this issue. Many OWs believe that if the MM in the marriage doesn't have "passion", then he is settling. And many BSs believe that what their spouse engaged in "wasn't real". And you know what's interesting? Both of these views may or may not be correct. Again... nothing is black and white.

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