Update

[HisSweetThing]

Just an update for those of you who remember my story.

 

Husband has filed for divorce. We have told our kids - 2 in college, 1 in high school. They are handling it as well as can be expected. My H and I get along great so we are continuing to live together until we can sort out the financial matters - business, house. He did not claim adultery in the filing so the divorce will take a year. Neither one of us is in a hurry. We are even using the same attorney.

 

I am still seeing the OMM. I love him even more than I did when I first posted on here - I'm not sure how many months ago. If you remember, back in March he promised to never push me away again. He hasn't. However, there were a couple of weeks where he was acting distant and I felt that he was pulling away from me instead. This was right after I told him that we were progressing with the divorce. He feels responsible and he worries about me being alone in a house somewhere. He was thinking that if he was out of the picture my husband would let me stay longer. During those 2-3 weeks I found myself sinking right back into the depression I went through when he had ended things in the beginning. I was mad at myself for not being able to stop it. I thought I was stronger now. I thought I would be able to handle things better. But I had no control over my feelings or emotions. I told MOM that I could face anything as long as I had his support - even if he can't always physically be there with me.

 

My OMM is still struggling. Struggling with this image he has of himself, I think, more than anything else. But, also with the church, his kids, extended family, money, etc. He said if this had happened a few years ago, when his wife was having drug addiction problems, he would have left in a heartbeat. That's why I think the biggest struggle for him is reconciling this image he has always had of himself and who he is - the image he has always projected to the world against who he thinks he would be if he walked out on his family to be with me. I think he struggles with being seen as the bad guy. But he said he is weak and he thinks about leaving all the time. I don't know if he will ever be able to do it, but at this point I know that I still need him in my life.

[NoIDidn't]

So is the OMM leaving too? Doesn't sound like it from your post. History seems to repeat itself, so if he is staying married, expect more occasions of him being distant with you if you intend to pursue staying in this relationship as an A.

[HisSweetThing]

So is the OMM leaving too? Doesn't sound like it from your post. History seems to repeat itself' date=' so if he is staying married, expect more occasions of him being distant with you if you intend to pursue staying in this relationship as an A.[/quote']

 

History does repeat itself. During the first 4 1/2 months of our affair he was constantly ending it and telling me it could never happen again. Then he pushed me away for good and I knew it was over. Then the next morning he apologized and said that he will never do that again. That was in March. Things have been great - as great as they can be in an affair - until this last month when my divorce started happening. Then I could feel him pulling away. For two weeks he seemed kind of cold and distant. Then when I told him that we told our kids, I asked him to please not freak out because I needed him - and he didn't.

 

Right now, he is staying married. I truly believe the day will come when he decides to live for himself though. I know many of you will think I am being naive, and maybe I am, but I have to hold on to that. When I could feel him pulling away, I realized that I am still not strong enough to live without him. My only hope is that he decides to be truly happy with me or I become strong enough to walk away.

[NoIDidn't]

Right now, he is staying married. I truly believe the day will come when he decides to live for himself though. I know many of you will think I am being naive, and maybe I am, but I have to hold on to that. When I could feel him pulling away, I realized that I am still not strong enough to live without him.

 

I'm the only one that had posted when you wrote that. It made me chuckle that you wrote about many when only one person responded.

 

 

My only hope is that he decides to be truly happy with me or I become strong enough to walk away.

 

I think you should focus on being stronger period. You are getting divorced. You will need emotional stamina for that and for your children whose home life you are changing in very dramatic ways. They need you to be strong too.

 

Focusing on being stronger will make you more able to handle whether he stays married or one day divorces for a chance with you. Making being stronger your aim. You can never have enough emotional strength, IMO.

[HisSweetThing]

I think you should focus on being stronger period. You are getting divorced. You will need emotional stamina for that and for your children whose home life you are changing in very dramatic ways. They need you to be strong too.

 

Focusing on being stronger will make you more able to handle whether he stays married or one day divorces for a chance with you. Making being stronger your aim. You can never have enough emotional strength, IMO.

 

I want to be stronger. I want to not need him. I want to be able to tell him that if he can't give me all of himself, I don't want any part of him. I am strong in so many ways. I have always been my own person. I have never felt this weak before in my life. But I have never felt this way about another person before either. I don't how not to feel this way. I don't know how to not need him. I don't know how to live the rest of my life without him.

[fooled once]

Does the MM you are having an affair with live across the street from you? Do I have the correct situation?

 

If so, does MM's wife know? Did you tell your H who you are having an affair with? Do your kids know who you are having an affair with?

[whichwayisup]

I hope you totally distance yourself from MM. Cut yourself out of his life.. If you don't, and the A continues, or is an EA, all that will do is make him stay where he is.. You STILL as the OW, and him staying married..

 

Focus on you, your kids and healing..Divorcing isn't easy, even though it seems you and your H are getting along OK..

[HisSweetThing]

Does the MM you are having an affair with live across the street from you? Do I have the correct situation?

 

If so, does MM's wife know? Did you tell your H who you are having an affair with? Do your kids know who you are having an affair with?

 

You are remembering correctly. OMM's wife does not know. My H knew everything from the beginning. He was the only man I had ever been with and we both knew there were problems in that area. He actually encouraged me to have the affair - in a misguided attempt to "fix me". It did "fix me". My kids do not know about the affair - they only know that we are getting a divorce.

[torranceshipman]

Sorry, but the OMM sounds like he's making the same tired old excuses that we hear from loads of MMs on here - mostly he 'doesn't want to be the bad guy'. Translation: I am a cake eater so I've decided to have my family AND you...and the way this is done is by keeping you close for a while and then dumping you or 'becoming distant' every now and again to keep you far away enough that you don't really threaten his M. This guy is NEVER leaving his W, mostly because he doesn't want to. I think you should

[HisSweetThing]

I hope you totally distance yourself from MM. Cut yourself out of his life.. If you don't, and the A continues, or is an EA, all that will do is make him stay where he is.. You STILL as the OW, and him staying married..

 

Focus on you, your kids and healing..Divorcing isn't easy, even though it seems you and your H are getting along OK..

 

Divorce is not easy - even when you get along. It is a long, painful process. I know that I cannot live in this affair forever. The time will come when I will make him choose. Now is not that time. If I made him choose now, I would lose him. He communicates with me. He doesn't lie to me. He cannot leave right now. He has told me so. I believe him. I'm not ready to live without him. He is very hard on himself. Every step of the way I have seen him struggle and he still chooses to continue the affair. None of it has been easy for him. Only in time will he know what decision his heart can live with. I am giving him time.

[jwi71]

The time will come when I will make him choose. Now is not that time. If I made him choose now, I would lose him.

 

How exactly do you plan on making him choose?

Will you threaten to "out" him?

Will you threaten to walk away?

Exactly how do you plan on doing that? Because I know as does your MM...you aren't going anywhere. You CAN'T compel him to choose. And why should he...he's got the good guy public image AND you...I'm not seeing a reason for him to choose.

 

He communicates with me. He doesn't lie to me. He cannot leave right now. He has told me so. I believe him. I'm not ready to live without him. He is very hard on himself. Every step of the way I have seen him struggle and he still chooses to continue the affair. None of it has been easy for him. Only in time will he know what decision his heart can live with. I am giving him time.

 

You aren't giving him anything. He has all the time in the world. He won't tell. You won't tell. You won't leave...he won't either. Nor can you compel him to leave.

 

I hate to say this...but if he truly wanted out...he'd be out. Divorce is actually easy when YOU want it. Its only hard when you have doubts and fears about leaving...or don't want to leave the M...

[fooled once]

Divorce is not easy - even when you get along. It is a long, painful process. I know that I cannot live in this affair forever. The time will come when I will make him choose. Now is not that time. If I made him choose now, I would lose him. He communicates with me. He doesn't lie to me. He cannot leave right now. He has told me so. I believe him. I'm not ready to live without him. He is very hard on himself. Every step of the way I have seen him struggle and he still chooses to continue the affair. None of it has been easy for him. Only in time will he know what decision his heart can live with. I am giving him time.

 

Divorce is what you make it. I divorced with a very young son. THAT is hard.

 

The MM you are seeing has no reason nor desire to choose. He has everything he wants --- his wife who he goes home to each night; who he sleeps with each night, who he shares a history with and plans a future with.

 

You are his fun time girl. I remember now exactly how it all started. You are for when he wants to escape the reality of his wife, his family, the bills, the chores. You are the one he goes to for a quick pick me up.

 

That does not mean he is going to choose you. He has chosen his wife/family.

 

I actually feel sorry for you because in the end, you are going to be divorced and alone. He isn't going to come to you. You are his fantasy, not his reality.

 

I DO believe that if he loved you, he would be with you. If he LOVED you, he would move mountains to show you every minute of every day.

 

And I would bet your H tells his wife..... just wait. As soon as you do something your H doesn't like, he will tell.

 

Be very careful.

 

I wish you could see the writing on the wall. Please go back and re-read your old posts -- where you talked about stopping the affair. Have pride in YOU and decide that YOU want to be #1, not the fun time girl.

[Trimmer]

I truly believe the day will come when he decides to live for himself though.

Interesting, the way you put that. I hope that someday soon, you will find a way to do that, too. Right now, your very fragile future - you can't really even call it "plans", can you? - rests upon him, and if he makes a decision different from the one you need, then your world and your view of the future comes crashing down.

 

I told MOM that I could face anything as long as I had his support - even if he can't always physically be there with me.

 

But he said he is weak and he thinks about leaving all the time. I don't know if he will ever be able to do it, but at this point I know that I still need him in my life.

 

When I could feel him pulling away, I realized that I am still not strong enough to live without him. My only hope is that he decides to be truly happy with me or I become strong enough to walk away.

 

Note something: you said "Right now, he is staying married." I can hear the the "he is staying married part" came from him, and the "Right now" part came from you, or at best, he added it to soften the blow to you. You really need to distill that sentence down to its meaning, without the softening editorial phrase: "He is staying married."

 

My recommendation is that you should base your real-world hopes and plans on reality: he is still married, and is not making any move toward changing that (his wife doesn't even know, which also makes this a dramatic powder keg, waiting to explode - it's just a matter of where the spark comes from...) All it takes is for him to DO NOTHING - which is absolutely his easiest course of action - to keep you hanging indefinitely, and in pain. He's got you - hanging on his every word, and reminding him how much you worship and need him. He's got his family home - nobody knows anything, so there's no drama there. And he's got his

important image in the community, the church, the extended family, with his kids....

 

Of course he's struggling, because he's got some kind of a conscience, but what is his best action? Do nothing. On the balance, all things considered, doing nothing maximizes the outcome for him. He's got you - all feverish for every morsel he gives you. He's got his home, family, finances, community standing. Given that he's already in the affair, what else can he do to make things any better? Virtually anything he does (other than NOTHING) brings something crashing down.

 

Now I know, you'd like to think that his love for you will overcome all, and I don't have any intention to belittle that. But really, look at all the cards stacked up on the other side there, and look at how he's got your love and attention. Basically he's got half a glass-full with you, and everything else is in order. Not a bad setup... Would it be worth bringing everything else crashing down to fill the glass the rest of the way, when he can just take an exciting, illicit, secret sip whenever he wants anyway?

 

Please consider that the course of action that will probably make the most sense to him will be to accept the status quo, and that that puts you in the awful position of hanging on for something that you need and can't live without, but which may never come.

 

To paraphrase your own post: I hope for you that the day will come when you decide to live for yourself.

[whichwayisup]

You have kids, does he as well? Seeing as you two live across the road from one another, have you thought of how this is going to affect the kids? How your lives are going to mesh together, that is, IF he does leave his wife and get divorced as well?

[jennie-jennie]

I don't know if he will ever be able to do it, but at this point I know that I still need him in my life.

 

I too have been through rollercoasters and short lived breakups. Then a long time of relative stability. Until 2 weeks ago when MM and I went NC for him to work on his marriage. 6 days later he broke NC. I can tell you not only did I learn through NC that I still need him in my life, he learnt too that HE needs ME in his life.

[HisSweetThing]

How exactly do you plan on making him choose?

Will you threaten to "out" him?

Will you threaten to walk away?

Exactly how do you plan on doing that? Because I know as does your MM...you aren't going anywhere. You CAN'T compel him to choose. And why should he...he's got the good guy public image AND you...I'm not seeing a reason for him to choose.

 

Now is not the time to make him choose. One day, if he hasn't already decided, I will give him an ultimatum. When his kids are gone. That is the longest I can see myself waiting. If it reaches that point and he still chooses to stay married, I will walk away no matter how hard that will be.

[HisSweetThing]

That does not mean he is going to choose you. He has chosen his wife/family.

 

I actually feel sorry for you because in the end, you are going to be divorced and alone. He isn't going to come to you. You are his fantasy, not his reality.

 

I DO believe that if he loved you, he would be with you. If he LOVED you, he would move mountains to show you every minute of every day.

 

And I would bet your H tells his wife..... just wait. As soon as you do something your H doesn't like, he will tell.

 

Be very careful.

 

I wish you could see the writing on the wall. Please go back and re-read your old posts -- where you talked about stopping the affair. Have pride in YOU and decide that YOU want to be #1, not the fun time girl.

 

I am well aware that I may end up alone. I can't stay married to a man I don't love in the right way because I'm afraid of the unknown. My H doesn't want that either. He knows I would be "settling" and despite how this started, he is a good man and he wants me to be taken care of and he has enough self respect to not want to be in a relationship where his wife is settling.

 

My OMM really does love me. I truly believe that we will be together. If I gave him an ultimatum now, I think he would let me go. But, I don't think he would really be able to let me go. He would be tortured. I don't know if he would remain tortured as punishment, like others talk about in other threads I have read or if he would eventually take the leap to be with me. So I am making the choice to give him time to work through things. Leaving his family goes against everything he believes in. He needs to decide what he believes in more and what decision he can and can't live with. I believe that one day he will move those mountains for me.

 

My H will not tell his wife. My husband has a lot of faults, but he is not vindictive or hurtful. He is moving on with his life and we are still good friends.

[HisSweetThing]

Interesting, the way you put that. I hope that someday soon, you will find a way to do that, too. Right now, your very fragile future - you can't really even call it "plans", can you? - rests upon him, and if he makes a decision different from the one you need, then your world and your view of the future comes crashing down.

 

Note something: you said "Right now, he is staying married." I can hear the the "he is staying married part" came from him, and the "Right now" part came from you, or at best, he added it to soften the blow to you. You really need to distill that sentence down to its meaning, without the softening editorial phrase: "He is staying married."

 

My recommendation is that you should base your real-world hopes and plans on reality: he is still married, and is not making any move toward changing that (his wife doesn't even know, which also makes this a dramatic powder keg, waiting to explode - it's just a matter of where the spark comes from...) All it takes is for him to DO NOTHING - which is absolutely his easiest course of action - to keep you hanging indefinitely, and in pain. He's got you - hanging on his every word, and reminding him how much you worship and need him. He's got his family home - nobody knows anything, so there's no drama there. And he's got his

important image in the community, the church, the extended family, with his kids....

 

Of course he's struggling, because he's got some kind of a conscience, but what is his best action? Do nothing. On the balance, all things considered, doing nothing maximizes the outcome for him. He's got you - all feverish for every morsel he gives you. He's got his home, family, finances, community standing. Given that he's already in the affair, what else can he do to make things any better? Virtually anything he does (other than NOTHING) brings something crashing down.

 

Now I know, you'd like to think that his love for you will overcome all, and I don't have any intention to belittle that. But really, look at all the cards stacked up on the other side there, and look at how he's got your love and attention. Basically he's got half a glass-full with you, and everything else is in order. Not a bad setup... Would it be worth bringing everything else crashing down to fill the glass the rest of the way, when he can just take an exciting, illicit, secret sip whenever he wants anyway?

 

Please consider that the course of action that will probably make the most sense to him will be to accept the status quo, and that that puts you in the awful position of hanging on for something that you need and can't live without, but which may never come.

 

To paraphrase your own post: I hope for you that the day will come when you decide to live for yourself.

 

I really appreciate your post Trimmer. I am about to be immersed in reality! I know that things may not work out the way I hope they do. I am going to re-read your post - probably many, many times - thank you.

[HisSweetThing]

You have kids, does he as well? Seeing as you two live across the road from one another, have you thought of how this is going to affect the kids? How your lives are going to mesh together, that is, IF he does leave his wife and get divorced as well?

 

I have thought of every possible scenario. My kids are just a little bit older than his and they are handling this very well. Kids are smart. I think they know when things aren't right and when people don't really belong together. I even think they are aware of all the underlying nuances that have existed for years. All of our kids (mine and my OMM's) have made comments to that over the years and even more so lately. Sometimes we can hide from ourselves, but not the rest of the world.

[HisSweetThing]

I too have been through rollercoasters and short lived breakups. Then a long time of relative stability. Until 2 weeks ago when MM and I went NC for him to work on his marriage. 6 days later he broke NC. I can tell you not only did I learn through NC that I still need him in my life, he learnt too that HE needs ME in his life.

 

JJ - I have read your story. I haven't posted on LS lately because when I first came on I felt like I was being attacked and that everyone was misunderstanding everything I was trying to say. Things kind of seem like they have changed a little now. People, as a whole, seem to be much more supportive. Anyway, I can so relate to everything you say and feel. I have felt your pain.

[MistyK]

Leaving his family goes against everything he believes in. He needs to decide what he believes in more and what decision he can and can't live with. I believe that one day he will move those mountains for me.

 

This is undoubtedly included in the man you fell in love with. Would you really want him to change everything he believes in for you (or anyone?).

 

If you're going to wait it out, please know that with a guy like that - it's going to be a lot harder than you imagine. Physically seperating is only the beginning of the drama and in some ways, things actually get much harder for a long while. Are you going to be ok if he drags his feet after the kids get older to move out? How will you feel when he drags his feet to file for divorce, or doesn't at all? All things to think about if you plan on spending years waiting for this momentous event. You're gambling with years of your life.

 

Best wishes.

[HisSweetThing]

This is undoubtedly included in the man you fell in love with. Would you really want him to change everything he believes in for you (or anyone?).

 

If you're going to wait it out, please know that with a guy like that - it's going to be a lot harder than you imagine. Physically seperating is only the beginning of the drama and in some ways, things actually get much harder for a long while. Are you going to be ok if he drags his feet after the kids get older to move out? How will you feel when he drags his feet to file for divorce, or doesn't at all? All things to think about if you plan on spending years waiting for this momentous event. You're gambling with years of your life.

 

Best wishes.

 

I struggled with how much of himself am I willing to have him compromise. I think he can still believe in those things and at the same time admit that he's human. I think he would be compromising himself even more if he stays in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

 

I am not going to be okay if he drags his feet after the kids get older. In my mind, that is the end of the line. I don't even want to wait that long. But I know that I can't wait beyond that.

 

I am not closing myself off to other relationships. I am keeping my eyes wide open in the hopes that I can find another person, one person, someone out there who can make me feel the way OMM does. I just don't think that will happen. I don't think it's possible. I think he is my one and only. So, maybe I spend the next few years in a relationship that isn't all it can be, but yet it is more than I have ever had at the same time. If things stopped today, I wouldn't regret one moment of the time we have spent together. I look at each moment as a gift.

[jwi71]

I am not going to be okay if he drags his feet after the kids get older. In my mind, that is the end of the line. I don't even want to wait that long. But I know that I can't wait beyond that.

 

I don't understand how its ok NOW and not THEN.

Well...because for him to leave his kids would be awful, terrible, blah, blah, blah. But we aren't talking about him leaving his kids...we are talking about him leaving his WIFE.

 

Reeks of "excuse" to me.

 

I am not closing myself off to other relationships. I am keeping my eyes wide open in the hopes that I can find another person, one person, someone out there who can make me feel the way OMM does. I just don't think that will happen. I don't think it's possible. I think he is my one and only. So, maybe I spend the next few years in a relationship that isn't all it can be, but yet it is more than I have ever had at the same time. If things stopped today, I wouldn't regret one moment of the time we have spent together. I look at each moment as a gift.

Ok...so go date someone else. Except you won't. I'm not even sure you are fooling yourself with that one. You did read the rest of what you wrote right? What's more likely to be true...the one sentence of "date others" or the tomes of "he is the one and only".

 

And that is the real tragedy for you. To wait, to not explore other paths only to learn he never leaves. The excuse is the kids now...later it will be to spare the wife "the pain" or some such BS (NOT betrayed spouse here ahem). And there you are...alone...all those years lost waiting for a phantom.

 

You are WAY to invested in him. Step back.

[Devil Inside]

I struggled with how much of himself am I willing to have him compromise. I think he can still believe in those things and at the same time admit that he's human. I think he would be compromising himself even more if he stays in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

 

I am not going to be okay if he drags his feet after the kids get older. In my mind, that is the end of the line. I don't even want to wait that long. But I know that I can't wait beyond that.

 

I am not closing myself off to other relationships. I am keeping my eyes wide open in the hopes that I can find another person, one person, someone out there who can make me feel the way OMM does. I just don't think that will happen. I don't think it's possible. I think he is my one and only. So, maybe I spend the next few years in a relationship that isn't all it can be, but yet it is more than I have ever had at the same time. If things stopped today, I wouldn't regret one moment of the time we have spent together. I look at each moment as a gift.

 

It would appear that you are resigned to be with this man, at least for the foreseeable future, whatever that connection looks like.

 

I guess the only thing that would be concerning is that this has the potential to never have a happy ending for you. As long as you remain very realistic about this, then you have to choose what you want. Some people feel that the limited time they get from a MM/MW is enough for them because of the whole quality/quantity dynamic.

 

However, if you are hoping that he will leave you may be setting yourself up. I was the MM in my A...and if my xOW did not end things I would probably still be in an A with her. I just do not know if he will have enough motivation to leave his wife if you are still there and available for him. Of course if you were to start dating he may be motivated.

 

Good luck. I am impressed that you and your soon to be ex are handling the divorce so well. Just be sure to stay grounded in reality...life is short.

[coconutcupcake]

New to LS. Not new to the world of the OM/OM as I have been a MOW involved with MOM for nearly 6 years.

 

I've just recently discovered this site and have consumed the experiences, wisdom, folly and pain of fellow members. Thank you all. Mostly, thank you to those who do not sugar coat their replies. Somewhere, someone posted words that resonated within me and is keeping me strong since NC began 3 weeks ago. "A strong, independent woman would not be an OW." True - it takes a very vulnerable woman to accept the crumbs and the ultimate disrespect from a man who, supposedly, loves her.

 

HISSWEETHING - I'm not giving you any advice. I think sometimes we keep saying the same things over and over to others until someone agrees with our thoughts and our behavior patterns- until we hear what we want to hear - maybe to justify why we keep doing the same things over and over.

 

I can identify with HisSweetThing as many OW undoubtedly do. I have gone NC numerous times over these years. Mostly, he has caved, and we start up again. Looking back, during my weakest, most vulnerable times (long story - no need for details right now - but MOM was very aware of my sadness and weakness) yet he was drawn to me - and we grew to "need" each other increasingly - I especially became more needy. Always thinking, he would profess his love for me and find the strength to be with a love he said was "true" - a love he never would have experienced without me. I believe that. BUT ...

 

When you are the person that has soooooo much more invested as you seemingly do, HisSweetThing, you are destined to hurt yourself more than your MOM could ever do to you. If you are going to make any changes, you will do it when you are ready. The only advice I have is when you feel pain during this roller coaster of a relationship - don't turn away from it - face it - and go right through it. You will grow stronger each time you don't run away from the pain.

 

I believe I'm finally at the point where this NC is forever. No more settling for crumbs. No more waiting for someone who loves me, but can't seem to fill me up the way I needed. This "need" the two of you feel is unhealthy. Wanting someone is different than needing someone.

 

Sorry for the length of this post. Maybe I should have posted a separate thread, but when I read Trimmer's reply - I wanted to write something here.

 

3 weeks ago, after spending a night away with my married other man - I ached - just like I did every time I saw him. This time, the pain gave me the strength to write this email to me, and I haven't heard from him since:

 

"I want one man who will make love to only me. Guess it doesn't matter what you say to me - or when you say it. (explanation: he would go from one extreme and declare his feelings and then retreat and be distant-the cycle).

 

The reality is - You make love to your wife, and I am unable to accept being your second choice."

 

I'm thankful I finally got the courage to face myself.

 

All the best to you...