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I just broke NC


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You're all probably thinking who cares. But I needed to do this for my own sanity. I am a MW and my A with MOM lasted 2 years up until a little over 3 weeks ago. Things were left in the air at our last convo that I needed to say things to him in order to move on. I imagined that I would handle myself better when it was time for 'the talk', but I didn't. I sat there speechless. I nodded my head to whatever he said and didn't say much. I walked out the door with my best poker face as if I didn't care. I was so hurt and numb that I couldn't cry until the next day.

 

Maybe I'll never get the complete closure. I know after reading many posts, that breaking NC will set me back. But I never got to express my feelings. I feel like I need to do this in order to completely move on. I want him to know that I'm not a complete heartless person who doesn't care.

 

And now I wait on pins and needles for A) no reply B) a notice that his email acct was deleted C) final closure...

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I understand how you feel. There is a desire to express yourself I have been there.

 

You said what you needed to say regardless of what he says or whether he doesnt say anything at all.

 

The danger of course is that all the heartfelt things he said will cause him to have second thoughts and that there could be a temptation to engage in an EA at the very least.

 

The important thing is where do YOU stand. If he comes back and says you are right you love me and I love you and even tho it is doomed.. etc etc...

 

What will you say then?

 

Its not uncommon for there to be back and forth when it ends. But the key is what do you want to happen next?

 

Take good care

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I haven't really thought things through. I just know that I'm not happy with the way things ended. Strangely, I feel a slight weight lifted off my shoulders today. There's so much more that I haven't really disclosed, but I think too much has changed for things ever to be the same and go back. I just need to move forward.

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Can you move forward now? Will you be able to move forward if you never get a reply?

 

I understand wanting to say your piece too *hug* I get that. I don't think there is a person alive who doesn't feel that way.

 

So what are you feeling now?

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One of the best things I ever learned was how to move on without having my say. So many times in relationships I ended up wanting to express something that I had left unsaid. And it would haunt me and I would believe I'd never have closure without saying these things.

 

The thing is, they never brought closure. The responses were never what I really needed.

 

For me, what I needed was to learn how to be okay with what I knew in my heart. And then how to be okay with a dollop of uncertainty.

 

I think you will be okay regardless. Try and believe that. :)

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Can you move forward now? Will you be able to move forward if you never get a reply?

 

I understand wanting to say your piece too *hug* I get that. I don't think there is a person alive who doesn't feel that way.

 

So what are you feeling now?

 

I still feel lost.

 

I'm glad there are wonderful people here that will answer me and validate my feelings. I realize there will be opposing opinions to that as well, but maybe that's what I need to get through my thick skull.

 

I do feel closer to canceling my acct. It's just a matter of time. I said before that I didn't plan on doing that. By breaking NC and having my peace, I am truly rethinking that plan. I know that he didn't cancel his, I didn't get one of those 'undeliverable' messages. I am certain he has read it. A small part of me doesn't want him to respond. A small part wants some response- any. But as I said before, I feel a small weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't know why. Maybe it's a false sense of security..

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I still feel lost.

 

I'm glad there are wonderful people here that will answer me and validate my feelings. I realize there will be opposing opinions to that as well, but maybe that's what I need to get through my thick skull.

 

I do feel closer to canceling my acct. It's just a matter of time. I said before that I didn't plan on doing that. By breaking NC and having my peace, I am truly rethinking that plan. I know that he didn't cancel his, I didn't get one of those 'undeliverable' messages. I am certain he has read it. A small part of me doesn't want him to respond. A small part wants some response- any. But as I said before, I feel a small weight lifted off my shoulders. I don't know why. Maybe it's a false sense of security..

 

Why did you marry your H?

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You're all probably thinking who cares. But I needed to do this for my own sanity. I am a MW and my A with MOM lasted 2 years up until a little over 3 weeks ago. Things were left in the air at our last convo that I needed to say things to him in order to move on. I imagined that I would handle myself better when it was time for 'the talk', but I didn't. I sat there speechless. I nodded my head to whatever he said and didn't say much. I walked out the door with my best poker face as if I didn't care. I was so hurt and numb that I couldn't cry until the next day.

 

Maybe I'll never get the complete closure. I know after reading many posts, that breaking NC will set me back. But I never got to express my feelings. I feel like I need to do this in order to completely move on. I want him to know that I'm not a complete heartless person who doesn't care.

 

And now I wait on pins and needles for A) no reply B) a notice that his email acct was deleted C) final closure...

 

Blinded, you broke NC but please do not be too hard on yourself. It will get better. I too, am a MW who recently ended an A with a MM. Mine lasted a year and I believe it would have lasted longer without d-day. How and why did your A end? How did your xMOM feel about the A ending? Was it mutual?

 

I tried to end the A several times but kept breaking NC. Like you, I wanted some open and honest dialogue about our feelings and thoughts. Did not want to spend a few years wondering about anything. It was very difficult and after a few months of IC and MC, I still feel the same for him and I still miss him. I do not think of him as often but the pain is still the same.

 

With NC, my M has improved and my H and I communicate much better these days.

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Why did you marry your H?

 

I married my H long ago. I love him and still do believe it or not. He is my first everything. We dated all through HS and college. Leaving aside petty little breakups, I never had any other experience with anyone else. I never wandered, strayed, or even wanted to. Until now. Worst decision of my life.

 

So where do you stand with your marriage? Does your H know of your Affair?

 

Well, he doesn't know details. He hasn't asked and I don't really think that is necessary. The fact that I've broken trust is all that is needed. I am lucky to be with a man who will accept me faults and all. Despite our everyday pressures of life, we con't to work on our M.

 

It's hard and I get a headache from thinking about things too much. People ask what my secret is to staying thin. Little do they know about my internal demons and that stress is the main ingredient. I think about how I need to work on my M and my self esteem. I also want to find peace with xMOM if that's possible. I realize that my needs are more important than my wants.

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I am a fool. I don't know what game he's playing. But I think it's a cruel one. Several hours after I send my letter yesterday, I rec'd a text from an unfamiliar #. It only had 1 word but it was a greeting that xMOM and I would always say to each other. He constantly changed numbers so I was 100% sure that it was him. Today I responded to that with a simple smiley face. Now he occasionally would restrict his # when he called in the past. Today I missed a call like that and minutes after rec'd a text again from the strange number asking "who is this again"???

 

I am really confused. He hasn't responded to my email. But these phone calls are strange. This is a response I didn't expect. I think I made things worse.

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I am a fool. I don't know what game he's playing. But I think it's a cruel one. Several hours after I send my letter yesterday, I rec'd a text from an unfamiliar #. It only had 1 word but it was a greeting that xMOM and I would always say to each other. He constantly changed numbers so I was 100% sure that it was him. Today I responded to that with a simple smiley face. Now he occasionally would restrict his # when he called in the past. Today I missed a call like that and minutes after rec'd a text again from the strange number asking "who is this again"???

 

I am really confused. He hasn't responded to my email. But these phone calls are strange. This is a response I didn't expect. I think I made things worse.

 

I was hoping to refocus you back on your H and your M...failed.

 

So...what do you want? Your OM or your H? Both?

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What I want is to go back in time from the beginning of all this mess, but I can't. I want to make the right decisions, but I don't. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I want xMOM to come out and say 'goodbye and have a nice life'. Something that he hasn't done. My response to the text was stupid and out of habit. One that I need to break.

 

I think I'm just going to ignore those dumb calls. It's not healthy for me to read from him, "who is this". I can see it now, he twists it around so that I'm the crazy stalker that won't go away.

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Honey DONT respond. Just ignore this nonsense. If he cant give you an actual response to your text seeking closure, then THAT is your closure.

 

It means he simply isnt able to give you what you need in terms of closure and isnt able to communicate with you on a mature level.

 

Im sorry you deserve better

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What I want is to go back in time from the beginning of all this mess, but I can't. I want to make the right decisions, but I don't. I don't want to feel broken anymore. I want xMOM to come out and say 'goodbye and have a nice life'. Something that he hasn't done. My response to the text was stupid and out of habit. One that I need to break.

 

I think I'm just going to ignore those dumb calls. It's not healthy for me to read from him, "who is this". I can see it now, he twists it around so that I'm the crazy stalker that won't go away.

 

 

Oh, Blinded. You sound EXACTLY LIKE ME. I am so sorry you are going through this. It is beyond painful, I know.

 

I, too, am a MOW and had a brief A with a MM. It ended with SO much I wanted to say. And I kept reaching, trying, wanting desperately for it to end in a way that "felt right". But after months, I realized that it was never going to "end right". Never. These things never do.

 

Even when he sent me the exact email that I needed -- telling me that he still did love me but couldn't be with me because he didn't want to lose his family -- even then, it STILL wasn't enough. Because that's the thing you need to realize... your AP doesn't hold the key to closure, YOU do.

 

Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't continue having this person in your life. We still communicated for months after the A ended, and I can tell you that every email he sent was like a dagger through my heart, even if he was just telling me about his day. Even now, he still sends me the occasional "how's it going" message. And while I am NOW almost to the point of indifference, it still isn't easy by any means.

 

I know it's hard. More than you know. Try to get him out of your life through NC, and eventually out of your heart.

 

Throw yourself into your family and your marriage. Good luck. And PM me if you want to chat more... ;)

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Blinded, I'm going through the same agony and like, NTH, am an xMOW so the albatross is two-fold. Letting go of the xMM is not something that will happen over night, it will hurt like h--- but with time and working on yourself, it does get easier. We carried on our A for nearly two years before I went NC which was difficult, and lasted two and a half years. From left field, and at at time when my M wasn't going well, he found a way back into my life...BIG mistake for me to let him back in. It was my weakness that brought him back in and took even greater strength (and some liquid courage) to end it this last time. And this time for good and I felt that same weight lift off my shoulders, although with a sense of sadness too.

 

I waffled with the notion of trying to open the door again, and prod him for "closure" but he didn't fight for me the first time we broke it off and his pathethic response to my last heart-felt email was precisely the "closure" I needed. We would never live in a relationship that was anything other than clandestine. There would be no every-day routines for us, only a web of lies and deceit for our BS.

 

I struggle with every thought of him since the day I ended it. It helps me to think of him in a "Rockwellian" family portrait with his W and children--so I'm constantly reminded there were more than just two of us in that relationship. I blocked him from email, social and professional networking sites. The thoughts are still there but I have to remind myself that we weren't going anywhere good together. Hopefully, like NTH said, he'll eventually move out of my heart.

 

Stay strong and resolute in your decision--you did something so brave for yourself.

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Well all, thanks for your responses. I'd like to respond to each one, but my hands are shaking too much right now. I can't sleep. See, I rec'd 2 more text messages asking me "who is this?" Both new #'s I don't recognize. Another one came at bedtime from the original # (the one I believe is him) asking "who is this bc you're bothering me"...

 

After 2 years, I really was blinded to what a big jerk he is. There are ways to let someone down. This is one of the cruelest ways I believe. I should've just not broken NC.....

 

I'm speechless.

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2AM and I'm STILL up. Damnit (stupit research).

 

So I took a trip down memory lane. Not mine, yours blinded. I scanned all your threads dating back since a YEAR AGO.

 

And here we are...12 months later...same ol' song and dance.

 

I just don't get it. NOTHING has changed since your first post. Absolutely nothing. And yet you still pine for him. He still treats you like dirt...except of course when it suits him. You have a well established pattern - one in which you lose and he wins.

Lets face it...he comes calling when whatever needs you fill need filling...then *poof* he's gone again.

 

He didn't even bother to call you on your birthday. Some guy huh.

 

Yet here you are...waiting. Just waiting, hoping, praying he calls. Hoping he needs you for those stolen moments. Then *poof*.

 

As usual. You're the sure thing. He barely needs to lift a finger to have you panting. And when he doesn't...you panic, you cry, you worry, you OBSESS. He knows it. He likes it.

 

I think he DOES play games...to see just how much bullshyte you'll stomach. Then he appears. Then *poof*.

 

I would ask you to go back as I did. Read the past. Read the words given to you (even my own harshly written ones long ago). Remember? What's changed?

 

One year. Gone. Time given to him. Time lost to you. Irreplaceable.

 

The only way to go forward is cold turkey NC. But you cannot.

 

So...you have a choice. Focus on the MM or focus on your H. Both is slow suicide.

 

Here is my advice...schedule MC. And there, however hard it is (and its damn near impossible) tell your H. Its time for this to end and you are too weak to do so on your own. Get help. Friends, family, MC and your H.

 

Unless of course...you choose your MM. THen get a lawyer and file for D.

 

This life you live has become madness. Find a better one. Make a better one. Live a better one.

 

Choose your man and act accordingly.

 

And before anyone says your BH will instantly D you...I doubt it. I'm a BH and I didn't immediately D my xW because of her A. There is another passionte DH here...and even HE didn't file immediately. You just might be surprised...

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