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How to be successful at NC


Devil Inside

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I have seen many threads about people recently starting or planning on starting NC. I want to congratulate you all on taking this important and self loving step. It will be the smartest thing you have done in regards to healing and moving on.

 

For NC to really be successful it helps to plan out your journey. Knowing there will be setbacks...how do you plan to manage these? Do you know your triggers, and if so can you avoid them? Do you have a support system? Do you have things to keep you busy?

 

I think it would be helpful if some of us that have had some success at NC could share our strategies here. So how did you get through or how are you continuing NC? What are the mindful, proactive and intentional steps you have taken?

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Here's just one.

 

Know your triggers. One of mine is love songs. So since I am a sports fan, and it is football season I listen to sports talk radio whenever a love song comes on. That or I have my MP3 player and I only listen to upbeat music.

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Someone here,(don't remember who) , mentioned keeping a rubberband around their wrist, to be snapped whenever their thoughts began to wander towards the AP. If I recall correctly, it was used mainly as a tool

to prevent them from thinking obsessively.........a sharp SNAP-and back to reality.

 

I believe this strategy could also be applied to maintaining NC.

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I have seen many threads about people recently starting or planning on starting NC. I want to congratulate you all on taking this important and self loving step. It will be the smartest thing you have done in regards to healing and moving on.

 

For NC to really be successful it helps to plan out your journey. Knowing there will be setbacks...how do you plan to manage these? Do you know your triggers, and if so can you avoid them? Do you have a support system? Do you have things to keep you busy?

 

I think it would be helpful if some of us that have had some success at NC could share our strategies here. So how did you get through or how are you continuing NC? What are the mindful, proactive and intentional steps you have taken?

 

DI,

 

I have failed several times to maintain NC. No texts and no physical contact. I refrain from initiating contact, BUT have not been strong enough to delete the email account. Therefore allowing MM to contact me via email(and how to contact via phone). I usually ignore them but give in after a few days. I just need to use one fingertip to hit the delete button. I desperately want our complete severance to be mutual(friends for 10+yrs) but it is not working.

 

There was a huge blowup(long story) between us and a spouse about a month ago but we still keep lines of communication open. It is torture and I do not have support outside of IC.

 

DI, how did you manage the setbacks? Any other strategies?

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It's been 2 weeks and it's easy for me to maintain NC b/c 1) he hasn't attempted to contact me at all, probably already deleted my info :((( and 2) I am too proud (at this time) to give in and contact him. Knowing my luck I'll send an email only to find out it's been deleted which will send me over the edge. So ignorance is bliss at this time.

 

Other wise, I have been checking my email less often and have been reading threads here. Luckily work has been busy for me and I plan on starting projects in my home. I also plan on working more on my M which is my biggest project yet! (We never had a dday so I suffer in silence)

 

Love songs are also my downfall. It seems I can apply many to him :(( Instead I've been listening to songs that are opposite and ego boosting.

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Another key to NC is to get rid of all forms and vehicles of contact. Delete those email accounts, drop them as a Facebook friend, delete their numbers, in my case I had a seperate phone...so I broke and tossed it.

 

Do this when you are feeling strong. Do it now as you read these words. Do it before you start to tell yourself...just in case of an emergency...blah...blah...blah.

 

Just do it.

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Another key to NC is to get rid of all forms and vehicles of contact. Delete those email accounts, drop them as a Facebook friend, delete their numbers, in my case I had a seperate phone...so I broke and tossed it.

 

Do this when you are feeling strong. Do it now as you read these words. Do it before you start to tell yourself...just in case of an emergency...blah...blah...blah.

 

Just do it.

 

 

I KNOW I need to do all of this.... especially the facebook thing. Seeing pictures of him and his "happy" family are hard to take some days. I need to work my way up to this and deleting the old emails.

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I think it would be helpful if some of us that have had some success at NC could share our strategies here. So how did you get through or how are you continuing NC? What are the mindful, proactive and intentional steps you have taken?

NC is one of the easiest things in the world. you just don't contact the other person in any way, shape or form. simple, there is nothing hard about it

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In the last several weeks I have started an on-going letter to him, because we have been such good friends for so long and we work together it is very hard for me not to tell him the every day things we are used to sharing.

This has helped some, and seems kind of stupid but I miss talking to him every day.

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ContemplatingTheEnd

Question -- how do you initiate NC? Do you just start ignoring (in my case) MM and cut all lines of communication? Do you send an e-mail explaining your feelings and then talk it out and then tell him you're not going to continue seeing him?

 

I have been dating MM for more than six months and the thought of just up and ignoring him entirely so we never talk about ending things is something I really don't think I could do. I know our "relationship" is built on lies, but he has been an almost constant fixture in my life ever since we met. From one person to another, I don't think I could do that to him. I would want to tell him at least what I was doing.

 

That said, though, I have tried that. I've e-mailed him three times over the course of our affair telling him we had to end it -- and I was open with my thoughts about it. Clearly, those didn't work. He would just avoid the topic and we would digress into our bubble where everything is great... He did, for the first time the other day, said he was thinking of ending things. But, then he said he knew he wouldn't not be able to contact me...

 

Do you think I should send him an e-mail telling him and then just not reply to any of his e-mails, gestures, etc.? That way I'm not leaving things completely open.

 

I'm saying all this w/o much emotion. But, it should go without saying that I still feel very strongly for him and I am only ending it because I know ultimately this isn't going to bode well for anyone.

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Question -- how do you initiate NC? Do you just start ignoring (in my case) MM and cut all lines of communication? Do you send an e-mail explaining your feelings and then talk it out and then tell him you're not going to continue seeing him?

 

I have been dating MM for more than six months and the thought of just up and ignoring him entirely so we never talk about ending things is something I really don't think I could do. I know our "relationship" is built on lies, but he has been an almost constant fixture in my life ever since we met. From one person to another, I don't think I could do that to him. I would want to tell him at least what I was doing.

 

That said, though, I have tried that. I've e-mailed him three times over the course of our affair telling him we had to end it -- and I was open with my thoughts about it. Clearly, those didn't work. He would just avoid the topic and we would digress into our bubble where everything is great... He did, for the first time the other day, said he was thinking of ending things. But, then he said he knew he wouldn't not be able to contact me...

 

Do you think I should send him an e-mail telling him and then just not reply to any of his e-mails, gestures, etc.? That way I'm not leaving things completely open.

 

I'm saying all this w/o much emotion. But, it should go without saying that I still feel very strongly for him and I am only ending it because I know ultimately this isn't going to bode well for anyone.

 

 

I'm very new to the NC thing, but yes...I would send him and email. Be VERY firm, tell him you need to end it for you and ask him to respect your wishes and not contact you again.

 

I know... easier said than done.

 

I've also gotten a lot of advice to change the email address, delete all emails, remove number from phone (or change number), stop facebook connection, ANY AND ALL points of contact.

 

NC is NC.... no way for him to contact you at all. I'm doing it in baby steps (email first), everything else to come in steps.

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In the last several weeks I have started an on-going letter to him, because we have been such good friends for so long and we work together it is very hard for me not to tell him the every day things we are used to sharing.

This has helped some, and seems kind of stupid but I miss talking to him every day.

 

Becky, my MM was once my teenage sweetheart. My family moved far, far away so we lost contact. When I traveled by car that summer leaving him behind, knowing that I would not see him again, at least not for years until I became an adult and could travel on my own, I started to write what I came to call a road diary. It was a letter to him, which I wrote on each day, but it became very long. It helped ease the pain of not being with him.

 

I never sent the road diary to him. I thought it to be too long for a teenage boy to be interested in. I found it in my belongings a couple of years ago when I was throwing stuff out before a move to another city. I opened it up to read, but the pain was still so strong - 30 years later - I could not read it.

 

When MM contacted me 4 years ago, I could not find the road diary, I figured the pain had made me throw it out, realizing I would never be able to read it if I could not read it after 30 years. But then last Christmas I found it, and gave it to him. After 34 years it finally got to where it belonged - with him.

 

Long story, old memories, when I read your post I figured that is a good idea. So I started my road diary number 2 tonight. Same man, same pain, a new road diary.

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If either one wants NC, and I mean really want to stick to it, end the relationship forever....call the police and have them call the OM or OW and tell them they will be charged with harrassment if any contact is made. I guarantee you this will stop all communication permanently, unless someone wants a charge on them.

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The only reason I can at all keep myself from contacting MM, is because when I initially broke NC within the first 24 hours, I felt humiliated by his determination to keep it.

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Good for you! I know how you feel and I admire your strength!

 

:( At this moment right now, I have no strength. I want to contact him. I need to hear from him. I have typed a letter to him and saved it in my drafts. I haven't cancelled the account and I admit I don't plan on doing it anytime soon.

 

I feel like I'm riding a roller coaster of feelings. One minute I feel like I can get through this, and the next I can't. I keep thinking 2 it's just 2 weeks. But we've never gone longer than several days without contact. How do I stop from hurting?

 

I shouldn't be posting here because I don't feel very successful right now.

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DI, thank you for starting this thread and to all who posted. I found the strength to delete all past emails from xMOM and deleted the email account. I had no other choice because he would not let go. I hurt so much.:(

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Here is another tip to help with NC: Staying in the present.

 

I often find that when I have a desire to break NC it is because I am not in the present. I am either obsessing about the past and how great it was with my xOW, or I am worried about the future, worries about what life looks like now and what if I am never happy again.

 

So I find it extremely helpful to work on keeping yourself focused and aware to the present. To focus and be aware of when your mind is drifting...because it happens often. To truly be there in the good times of your life. To enjoy things that make you happy like a walk outside on a fall day, or looking at art, or the feeling of accomplishment after a tough work project, or the feeling of soreness in your body after a good workout, or heck even how good it feels to touch yourself...just to feel the sensation and connect with your sexuality.

 

You have to train your brain to be able to stay present. The best way to do this is to incorporate mindfulness exercises into your day. Just five to ten minutes a day really helps. Consistency is the key..as it is practice...like learning an instrument you must practice to develop this skill.

 

Mindfulness is very similar to mediation. It does not need to be complicated at all. If you are interested follow this link that outlines a basic mindfulness practice or find another on the web.

 

http://www.voidspace.org.uk/spiritual/mindfulness.shtml#id3

 

I think that if you invest the time in this and in yourself you will see some results. Trust me...it may seem silly or weird or hokey...but I teach this to all of my clients...and I do it myself. Good luck.

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DI, beautiful post about staying present with what is! That is absolutely the key!

 

I was very fortunate that he politely asked for NC, and that totally helped me get a sense of "it is over" which was also a sense of relief for me. Being in limbo is no fun.

 

I would offer one advice about maintaining NC. Own your power. Any time you want someone to do something, or feeling that you need them, know that that is not reality. And be kind to yourself.

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  • 1 month later...

NC is different for everyone.

 

I wish I had known about it through my first major break-up - I lost just about all self-respect in my clinging and fighting for someone who simply wasn't there anymore.

 

Anyway - it really doesn't matter how you start NC - if you feel more at peace by letting the ex know not to contact you - then tell them. If you don't even want to give them the satisfaction then don't - just vanish. Your silence will speak volumes.

 

As to my own strategy - I too have used football and videogames to distract my mind. Do things that help keep your mind busy - take up a hobby...something.

 

I also use Love Shack - especially when I first entered NC. When I'm feeling weak I can come to these boards and find instant peace - because just knowing there are other people going through even harder breakup's than mine and surviving fuels my own NC.

 

I find that some posters on LS are a bit too bitter about NC. Listen, only you know your own story. You may have setbacks. You have to be able to forgive yourself if you do slip back.

 

For example for me it had been 21 days and I was lying in bed reading and my phone started ringing - without even thinking I answered it - and it was her...ugh. I was so frozen at first I didn't know what to do - but then realized how far I had made it - because I hadn't even been thinking about her.

 

But after the conversation all the old pain was rekindled. She was more or less just checking in to validate something to herself...I don't know. Setbacks happen.

 

You DON'T have to completely change your email or toss your phone. Just lock all that stuff away. For me I have my email filtered so anything she sends me goes directly to a folder in a folder so I won't ever even know if she's trying to contact.

 

Just remember to love yourself. That's the main thing. Remember that NC is about YOU and your healing and take on the attitude of "who care's what my ex is doing". Even as it hurts to say and think - it is healthy and the way forward.

 

You hold the reins to your own progress.

 

Be well fellow love shackers!

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I had to do a sit down face to face when we broke things off -- me and my OM. I'm married. I just could not simply stop speaking and disappear or send an email or call on the phone. I felt he deserved at least a face to face discussion of how I felt. It was the first time we met in person and didn't make love since we started making love. That was hard.

 

I don't know if this thread is just for OM/OW, but as the MW I've had trouble with no contact. I'm not contacting, but it sure isn't easy. I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have but I miss him terribly. Whenever it crosses my mind to contact him, I just remind myself that he deserves to be treated better than that and my husband deserves to be treated better than that. It helps somewhat.

 

I dwell on him a lot and even though rationally I think things out and want him out of my head, but in the same moment I'm frightened by the thought of him being out of my head. It's odd to feel like someone I feel such strong emotions for will eventually feel indifferent towards me. I know it's best for him, but it's painful to contemplate nonetheless.

 

I like the staying in the present suggestion a lot. It also reminded me I need to reincorporate a daily quiet time each morning. It helps to focus on the day at hand and on what is most important in life.

 

I also like the journal suggestions, but right now it would just be sad daily pourings out of my heart to ex-AP because I'm having withdrawal symptoms and I just don't see how it will help my marriage to be pining away for an ex-AP in a journal.

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Hi everyone.

 

This is my first time posting, but I've spent many hours lurking in the past few days. I'm so happy to have found a community of people in similar boats.

 

I don't quite have the heart to share my story yet, but we (MM and I) started our 'sabbatical' (our word) yesterday afternoon. This came after him deciding that now was the "worst possible time" for him to leave his marriage, and that next summer would be the earliest he could revisit the idea.

 

How am I doing? Well, I just woke up from a 12-hour sleep. It's 6am, and I've already completed 2 loads of laundry, a third in. :)

My first class isn't until 10:30am, so I really have no idea how I am going to keep myself busy until then!

 

I'm not sure what else to say, just yet.

 

*hugs*

 

Nichole

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*hugs* back Nichole

 

You're doing just fine and you'll make it. Be good to yourself and stick around. :)

 

Find peace.

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NC was forced on me after xMM's DDay.

 

However, I think NC and getting over someone are pretty similar. Did writing jornal, being in the present and avoiding triggers.

 

But I would like to ask you all, if you can't think about the future (too painful, too without OM/OW) the past (too lovely, too over) and can't listen to love songs, then aren't you killing the part of you that believes in love and hope? Do you get the feeling you are killing something about yourself?

 

I have to, no choice. If I had had a choice, I couldn't have done it.

 

I feel like a wild horse being domesticated. It is safe here, even loving. Pleasant. But the passion and the beauty? Dying.

 

But then wild, bolting horses need to knuckle under eventually. Don't they?

 

I may never listen to a love song in the same way again. Long after the triggering has gone. They just won't trigger anything at all.

 

Sorry if this isn't helpful.

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