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How do you completely get over the addiction?


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My story in a nutshell:

 

We are both married with children. We reconnected on Facebook (old friends from high school). Before we knew it, we were in the midst of an emotional affair -- IMing, texting, calling. Two weeks in we were saying "I love you". Five weeks in I flew to where he lives and we spent the day in bed. We both fell hard for each other to say the least. We talked about leaving our spouses, but in the end we knew that logistically it would never work. He started to get cold feet around the 8 week mark and it ended after 3 months (mutually, but mostly due to his resolve).

 

I fell apart after it ended... needed to be put on antidepressents, couldn't get out of bed. I immediately started counseling and am still going to this day.

 

We have tried no contact a couple of times, but it never sticks. We are now trying the "friend" thing... frustrating and unfulfilling to say the least. He wants me in his life, but is recommitted to his family (as am I). I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want.

 

The interesting thing is, I feel like my affair fog is clearing a bit. I now see him much more clearly. I am amazed at how I was so able to overlook so many things about him... how he isn't really that attractive, he is a huge geek, he is boring and talks to much about himself, he's weak, plays the victim all the time, he sucks in bed (and has a tiny d**k), he isn't terribly motivated, etc.

 

So rationally I am pretty clear as to why he isn't worth my time. Emotionally, though, I still go back to how he made me feel in the beginning -- the "me" reflected back from him was intoxicating... he thought I was perfect (and for the most part still does). I am working extremely hard at my marriage now and it's getting better everyday.

 

I realize that I probably wasn't ever really in love with him. Instead I was addicted to how he made me feel (and probably still am). How do you get over the addiction? Does it just take time? I know most of you will say no contact, but that has been virtually impossible. Any other tricks to moving on? To breaking free of the addiction?

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This is going to sound straight-up cheesy, but find something else that makes you feel good about yourself. What do you like to do? I'm missing my ex right now and I remodel my house, bake, do things I like to do. It certainly doesn't replace the feeling of being wanted, but it could make you smile. Maybe try to do fun/new things with your husband?

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The interesting thing is, I feel like my affair fog is clearing a bit. I now see him much more clearly. I am amazed at how I was so able to overlook so many things about him... how he isn't really that attractive, he is a huge geek, he is boring and talks to much about himself, he's weak, plays the victim all the time, he sucks in bed (and has a tiny d**k), he isn't terribly motivated, etc.

 

God I could've written this post to a "T" LOL. I think we had an A with the same person:laugh:

 

I feel the same way, but I am still addicted to him even though we are in NC. Some days are better than others, but those obsessive thoughts always creep back in. I think it was the emotional connection more than the sex. I had a very emotional and sensual, but not a great sexual connection with my xOM. I have been addicted for over a year now. I do hope it goes away. NC seems to help but I still friggin think about him...it sucks.

 

If anyone else knows the secret let me know because I am slowly beginning to lose it!!! I do everything to stay busy too. Work all day sometimes at night, kids to take care of, I work out, and I still can't get him out of my head.:mad:

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Yes it is exactly like an addiction. We get addicted to how that person makes us feel about ourselves. My xOW put me up on a pedestal...it was very intoxicating. My therapist told me at our last session that he thinks I was in love with the experience of the affair...and that is what I am grieving...more so than her. Not sure I buy that last part...but I agree...I miss that feeling I got when she looked at me.

 

So how do you break it. Like any other addiction. First you must destroy the cycle. The cycle is...you have an unbearable emotion...so you soothe yourself with the addictive object...in this case the feelings you get from your AP...then you are feeling guilty, or self-loathing, or anxious afterward for contacting them...so you soothe yourself...and so on.

 

How do you break that...wait for it...NC. See to break the cycle you either stop feeling these intolerable emotions (not within your control) or you stop the contact. I know it is hard...trust me I know...I have 8 weeks NC today...and I still think about her...but it is less painful.

 

The next part of working through this...once you can get a little NC...is to work on why you cope with your emotions through addictive behavior. This will take you on a journey of introspection. You will probably need a therapist to help you do the work necessary to look back and discover the roots of this defense mechanism.

 

Once you have some insight you need to start doing the work..and literally learn how to deal with the difficulties in life in a whole new way.

 

Some people will ask if it is really that serious. Let me ask you...as you lay on your couch on depression meds...grieving this small d!ck dork that you cheated with...did you think this was serious?

 

You have to get to the point where you say..."I am stuck...it no longer makes sense to attempt to solve problems with solutions that are not working."

 

So let me ask you...is contacting him really making you feel any better...I mean after those first few minutes...is it?

 

I know it didn't for me.

 

Good luck. If you need some support you know where to find me.

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TogetherForever
My story in a nutshell:

 

We are both married with children. We reconnected on Facebook (old friends from high school). Before we knew it, we were in the midst of an emotional affair -- IMing, texting, calling. Two weeks in we were saying "I love you". Five weeks in I flew to where he lives and we spent the day in bed. We both fell hard for each other to say the least. We talked about leaving our spouses, but in the end we knew that logistically it would never work. He started to get cold feet around the 8 week mark and it ended after 3 months (mutually, but mostly due to his resolve).

 

I fell apart after it ended... needed to be put on antidepressents, couldn't get out of bed. I immediately started counseling and am still going to this day.

 

We have tried no contact a couple of times, but it never sticks. We are now trying the "friend" thing... frustrating and unfulfilling to say the least. He wants me in his life, but is recommitted to his family (as am I). I'm trying to figure out exactly what I want.

 

The interesting thing is, I feel like my affair fog is clearing a bit. I now see him much more clearly. I am amazed at how I was so able to overlook so many things about him... how he isn't really that attractive, he is a huge geek, he is boring and talks to much about himself, he's weak, plays the victim all the time, he sucks in bed (and has a tiny d**k), he isn't terribly motivated, etc.

 

So rationally I am pretty clear as to why he isn't worth my time. Emotionally, though, I still go back to how he made me feel in the beginning -- the "me" reflected back from him was intoxicating... he thought I was perfect (and for the most part still does). I am working extremely hard at my marriage now and it's getting better everyday.

 

I realize that I probably wasn't ever really in love with him. Instead I was addicted to how he made me feel (and probably still am). How do you get over the addiction? Does it just take time? I know most of you will say no contact, but that has been virtually impossible. Any other tricks to moving on? To breaking free of the addiction?

 

 

What was it about him that you DID like? :confused:

I feel it's gonna take a long long time for you to get over your addiction.

You will get there though. Time is a healer.

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Together Forever: :rolleyes: I know! It's funny now that I look back on it. To be fair, he isn't that horrible -- he is attractive, just not nearly as attractive and wonderful as I initially made him out to be. The part about him being horrible in bed is true, though -- very selfish. I was more into the "romance" part -- how he held me, looked into my eyes, etc (sex with my husband is phenomenal, by the way, which just shows how much this was NOT about sex). I was perfectly willing to gloss over every negative aspect of him so I could still believe he was my soulmate.

 

Devil Inside: THANK YOU. I started therapy even before my affair ended because I was so distraught and confused by the intensity of my feelings. My therapist says the same thing as yours -- that I'm addicted to the feelings and NOT to him. I do believe that. When I think about having a life with him, I think "no thanks". But when I think about our affair and how he looked at me and how wonderful it all felt, then I start to feel the despair rising. I miss it so much sometimes that it's painful.

 

I've thought about the NC thing a lot. Here's the thing: in some ways I think that having contact with him helps sometimes (hear me out). I no longer get those "adoring" feelings from him -- basically because he is unwilling to "go there" (too risky, wife might find emails, etc.). So the contact I do get from him isn't emotionally fulfilling. And, if anything, there are days after I get an email from him and I think, "wow, I can't believe I ever thought I loved this guy". But those times that I did have NC with him, I romanticized him into this amazing, wonderful soulmate again -- sometimes I think the reminder of the "reality" of him needs to be there so that I don't fantasize him into the man I think I should be with. It hasn't escaped me, though, that I am still holding on to him even when he isn't giving me what I "want" -- there's the addiction. It's the addiction that makes me feel like I'm not sure how I could manage without knowing what he's up to. Ridiculous, I know.

 

My therapy has lead me to discover that I have an underlying obsessive-compulsive personality (very much fueled by crap in my childhood). So, this obsessing about him and the compulsive behavior of contacting him is part of my natural cycle... and a very hard one to break. I have been trying for months to 'rationalize' it... my therapist basically said yesterday that I should just chalk it up to faulty wiring and stop trying to make sense of WHY I'm obsessive and just DO something about it (she is pushing NC big time of course). I need to find the strength to just do it.

 

I am no longer on antidepressants, thankfully. And I'm able to function pretty well these days. I mostly am just tired of the obsessive thoughts. And you're right... what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping. I've gotten a lot better about not compulsively shooting off emails telling him what I'm feeling in the moment -- like this morning I wanted so badly to text him to have him call me like he used to on his way into work. But I stopped myself. Little victories I guess.

 

I am focusing on my marriage right now, big time. But it feels like there's always the "elephant in the room"... the third person in my marriage because the AP is still in my head.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

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TogetherForever
Together Forever: :rolleyes: I know! It's funny now that I look back on it. To be fair, he isn't that horrible -- he is attractive, just not nearly as attractive and wonderful as I initially made him out to be. The part about him being horrible in bed is true, though -- very selfish. I was more into the "romance" part -- how he held me, looked into my eyes, etc (sex with my husband is phenomenal, by the way, which just shows how much this was NOT about sex). I was perfectly willing to gloss over every negative aspect of him so I could still believe he was my soulmate.

 

Devil Inside: THANK YOU. I started therapy even before my affair ended because I was so distraught and confused by the intensity of my feelings. My therapist says the same thing as yours -- that I'm addicted to the feelings and NOT to him. I do believe that. When I think about having a life with him, I think "no thanks". But when I think about our affair and how he looked at me and how wonderful it all felt, then I start to feel the despair rising. I miss it so much sometimes that it's painful.

 

I've thought about the NC thing a lot. Here's the thing: in some ways I think that having contact with him helps sometimes (hear me out). I no longer get those "adoring" feelings from him -- basically because he is unwilling to "go there" (too risky, wife might find emails, etc.). So the contact I do get from him isn't emotionally fulfilling. And, if anything, there are days after I get an email from him and I think, "wow, I can't believe I ever thought I loved this guy". But those times that I did have NC with him, I romanticized him into this amazing, wonderful soulmate again -- sometimes I think the reminder of the "reality" of him needs to be there so that I don't fantasize him into the man I think I should be with. It hasn't escaped me, though, that I am still holding on to him even when he isn't giving me what I "want" -- there's the addiction. It's the addiction that makes me feel like I'm not sure how I could manage without knowing what he's up to. Ridiculous, I know.

 

My therapy has lead me to discover that I have an underlying obsessive-compulsive personality (very much fueled by crap in my childhood). So, this obsessing about him and the compulsive behavior of contacting him is part of my natural cycle... and a very hard one to break. I have been trying for months to 'rationalize' it... my therapist basically said yesterday that I should just chalk it up to faulty wiring and stop trying to make sense of WHY I'm obsessive and just DO something about it (she is pushing NC big time of course). I need to find the strength to just do it.

 

I am no longer on antidepressants, thankfully. And I'm able to function pretty well these days. I mostly am just tired of the obsessive thoughts. And you're right... what I'm doing doesn't seem to be helping. I've gotten a lot better about not compulsively shooting off emails telling him what I'm feeling in the moment -- like this morning I wanted so badly to text him to have him call me like he used to on his way into work. But I stopped myself. Little victories I guess.

 

I am focusing on my marriage right now, big time. But it feels like there's always the "elephant in the room"... the third person in my marriage because the AP is still in my head.

 

Thanks again for your advice.

 

(((MF)))

Maybe you will check out CaliGuys guide to NC.

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Devil Inside: THANK YOU. I started therapy even before my affair ended because I was so distraught and confused by the intensity of my feelings. My therapist says the same thing as yours -- that I'm addicted to the feelings and NOT to him. I do believe that. When I think about having a life with him, I think "no thanks". But when I think about our affair and how he looked at me and how wonderful it all felt, then I start to feel the despair rising. I miss it so much sometimes that it's painful.

 

I've thought about the NC thing a lot. Here's the thing: in some ways I think that having contact with him helps sometimes (hear me out). I no longer get those "adoring" feelings from him -- basically because he is unwilling to "go there" (too risky, wife might find emails, etc.). So the contact I do get from him isn't emotionally fulfilling. And, if anything, there are days after I get an email from him and I think, "wow, I can't believe I ever thought I loved this guy". But those times that I did have NC with him, I romanticized him into this amazing, wonderful soulmate again -- sometimes I think the reminder of the "reality" of him needs to be there so that I don't fantasize him into the man I think I should be with. It hasn't escaped me, though, that I am still holding on to him even when he isn't giving me what I "want" -- there's the addiction. It's the addiction that makes me feel like I'm not sure how I could manage without knowing what he's up to. Ridiculous, I know.

 

My therapy has lead me to discover that I have an underlying obsessive-compulsive personality (very much fueled by crap in my childhood). So, this obsessing about him and the compulsive behavior of contacting him is part of my natural cycle... and a very hard one to break. I have been trying for months to 'rationalize' it... my therapist basically said yesterday that I should just chalk it up to faulty wiring and stop trying to make sense of WHY I'm obsessive and just DO something about it (she is pushing NC big time of course). I need to find the strength to just do it.

 

 

MF...wow...we are very similar.

 

I struggle with the same demons...and like you try like all heck to make sense of it. Like if I can understand it I can eliminate it....this dang obsession and compulsion.

 

As someone that knows how you feel I can give you some hope...I have been able to at least channel my compulsive behaviors into other arenas that do not involve contacting her...obviously I have almost 700 posts in about two months!

 

As for the obsessive thoughts..well...NC has helped. I am far from where I want to be...but at least she is not in my head all day like she used to be. Actually looking back to where I was it is a big improvement..just not where I want to be...I know I am not a patient person.

 

Anyways I can see your point about how the reality of contact now helps you to not make it more than it was. I wish I could have a dream like in Scrooge that would allow me to see and feel what it would have been like if I left my wife for the other woman. In my head I know it would not be what I was dreaming for...but actually experiencing it may help me.

 

Either way, I cannot break NC...I am not the kind of person that can handle any contact with her. I also want to respect her healing process. We all have to do what works...and push come to shove it is the only thing that I have done that has helped on such an immediate and grand scale. I still think you should do it to...but you will have to reach that decision on your own.

 

Check back here and let us know how you are doing...I'll be reading.

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MF...wow...we are very similar.

 

I struggle with the same demons...and like you try like all heck to make sense of it. Like if I can understand it I can eliminate it....this dang obsession and compulsion.

 

As someone that knows how you feel I can give you some hope...I have been able to at least channel my compulsive behaviors into other arenas that do not involve contacting her...obviously I have almost 700 posts in about two months!

 

As for the obsessive thoughts..well...NC has helped. I am far from where I want to be...but at least she is not in my head all day like she used to be. Actually looking back to where I was it is a big improvement..just not where I want to be...I know I am not a patient person.

 

Anyways I can see your point about how the reality of contact now helps you to not make it more than it was. I wish I could have a dream like in Scrooge that would allow me to see and feel what it would have been like if I left my wife for the other woman. In my head I know it would not be what I was dreaming for...but actually experiencing it may help me.

 

Either way, I cannot break NC...I am not the kind of person that can handle any contact with her. I also want to respect her healing process. We all have to do what works...and push come to shove it is the only thing that I have done that has helped on such an immediate and grand scale. I still think you should do it to...but you will have to reach that decision on your own.

 

Check back here and let us know how you are doing...I'll be reading.

 

 

DI: It sure does sound like we are very similar. I've read some of your earlier posts and my heart breaks when reading the pain you have gone through -- from someone that has felt the same pain.

 

I am starting to try and wrap my head around the idea of no contact. It sounds stupid, but right now it's about exactly how I go about doing it where I don't come off sounding like I still have feelings for him (something that I am hoping to keep from him for obvious reasons). I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but there is this underlying fact that he still loves me and still thinks I am the perfect woman for him... I LIKE knowing that and don't want it to change. I, of course, want him to pine away for me forever while I move on to a blissfully, happy life! :p

 

Your idea of Scrooge coming and granting you that vision of what things would have been like? I know EXACTLY how you feel. The difference for me, though, is that I have been pretty good at really taking a hard look at what the reality would be for me.

 

* I would have to move 500 miles away, my husband wouldn't allow my two kids to move with me I'm sure, so I'd be away from my kids which would crush me (or we'd do a long-distance thing).

* He earns far less money than my husband, my lifestyle would go down dramatically (especially when child-support is factored in).

* Obviously from my other posts you can see that I'd be trading a VERY satisfying sex life for one with someone who isn't at all good in bed.

* Yes, we would get along -- probably pretty well actually. But any more than I do right now with my husband? Probably not. And when the realities of life are added in -- financial pressures, raising 4 kids (2 of whom wouldn't be mine/his), loss of friends, angry ex-spouses not to mention all the hard stuff that has nothing to do with divorce (aging/dying parents, etc.), it feels like a REALLY hard life. I suppose there's a reason why only 3% of these relationships succeed.

* My children would be devastated and forever changed -- I am a daughter of divorce... my father cheated on my mom and it had far-reaching implications on how I turned out and my self esteem.

* I would lose everyone close to me (including their respect) -- my husband obviously, his family who I love, our friends, my family would disown me. I couldn't recover from that kind of loss.

* I would lose my husband who I've spent 18 years with (12 married). That's almost half my life. While I can't FEEL right now how hard that would be, I know that it would devastate me.

* I know I can romanticize my affair partner to death... but at the end of the day, I guess I'm thinking it COULD be better on some levels, but enough to be worth what I would lose and the damage to so many people? No... I don't see how it can.

 

Have you ever tried putting together a list like this? Even though I am still obsessed and addicted to my AP, this list is what keeps me somewhat sane and helps with my OCD toward him. Of course, I recognize that doing this list can also backfire -- you could end up writing down things that underscore your feelings of loss.

 

Some days I want nothing more than to trash this list and somehow find a way back to him. But it isn't as strong as it used to be.

 

Was your OW married? I don't think I read that far back in the posts. How did it end?

 

If NC is working for you, don't stop. I know we just 'met', but if you need someone to talk though, feel free to reach out.

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I am starting to try and wrap my head around the idea of no contact. It sounds stupid, but right now it's about exactly how I go about doing it where I don't come off sounding like I still have feelings for him (something that I am hoping to keep from him for obvious reasons).

 

I know how that feels...but I could never do that...I could never hide my feelings from my xOW...she knew I had to go NC for me. As for you...maybe you tell him this is what you have to do for your marriage and because your therapist told you that they would not work with you if you didn't. However...maybe if you drop this need to have him think you walk on water...and he sees you as human...then he'll treat you differently....and that will make you romanticize him less.

 

 

I know I shouldn't care what he thinks, but there is this underlying fact that he still loves me and still thinks I am the perfect woman for him... I LIKE knowing that and don't want it to change. I, of course, want him to pine away for me forever while I move on to a blissfully, happy life! :p

 

Exactly...read above.

 

 

Your idea of Scrooge coming and granting you that vision of what things would have been like? I know EXACTLY how you feel. The difference for me, though, is that I have been pretty good at really taking a hard look at what the reality would be for me.

 

I have looked at the harsh reality..which is why I never left for her. Sounds like we read the same book on making lists....lol. I will do a version now down below.

 

 

* I would have to move 500 miles away, my husband wouldn't allow my two kids to move with me I'm sure, so I'd be away from my kids which would crush me (or we'd do a long-distance thing).

 

My xOW lived in another state as well. She also has kids and she has an ex-husband that would fight her tooth and nail f she tried to move those kids..and he has the money to win.

 

If I left..well then I would be looking at losing my kids as well. Not an option. So I guess we might do the long distance thing...yikes!

 

* He earns far less money than my husband, my lifestyle would go down dramatically (especially when child-support is factored in).

 

She actually makes more than my wife...but with me paying child support and having to move...I would make less and we would probably break even or make less.

 

 

* Obviously from my other posts you can see that I'd be trading a VERY satisfying sex life for one with someone who isn't at all good in bed.

 

My xOW was the greatest lover I have ever been with hands down. I do wonder, however, how much of that would change once we thrown into the real world...rather than the fantasy life of an A where we are basically on vacation together.

 

 

* Yes, we would get along -- probably pretty well actually. But any more than I do right now with my husband? Probably not. And when the realities of life are added in -- financial pressures, raising 4 kids (2 of whom wouldn't be mine/his), loss of friends, angry ex-spouses not to mention all the hard stuff that has nothing to do with divorce (aging/dying parents, etc.), it feels like a REALLY hard life. I suppose there's a reason why only 3% of these relationships succeed.

 

I am with you on this one...I would answer it exactly the same way...and we would aslo have 4 kids (2 and 2) and as a therapist let me tell you...blended families are no joke.

 

 

* My children would be devastated and forever changed -- I am a daughter of divorce... my father cheated on my mom and it had far-reaching implications on how I turned out and my self esteem.

 

Ditto...and ditto. Gosh I hope my kids don't inherit all of my crap.

 

 

* I would lose everyone close to me (including their respect) -- my husband obviously, his family who I love, our friends, my family would disown me. I couldn't recover from that kind of loss.

 

Yes for me too. Her family has been very accepting. My family would forgive me..but I would lose respect big time. Losing my wife...would be hard.

 

 

* I would lose my husband who I've spent 18 years with (12 married). That's almost half my life. While I can't FEEL right now how hard that would be, I know that it would devastate me.

 

On this one...it is different for me...only because she has cheated on me too. However, if I left her I would want it to be because we tried and were through...not because I was running into someone elses arms.

 

 

* I know I can romanticize my affair partner to death... but at the end of the day, I guess I'm thinking it COULD be better on some levels, but enough to be worth what I would lose and the damage to so many people? No... I don't see how it can.

 

I never saw that it would be worth it either. That's why I never left...and why she did...she saw that too.

 

Have you ever tried putting together a list like this? Even though I am still obsessed and addicted to my AP, this list is what keeps me somewhat sane and helps with my OCD toward him. Of course, I recognize that doing this list can also backfire -- you could end up writing down things that underscore your feelings of loss.

 

I have...and it didn't backfire...alhough I still feel loss it gets better everyday.

 

 

 

 

Was your OW married? I don't think I read that far back in the posts. How did it end?

 

She was when the A started. She was headed to seperation and I think she used her relationship with me as a catalyst. He was verball abusive and she had an affair...it ended three or four months before ours started...sick huh? I mean...how did I not see what this was. I think this is why she seemed so wise after we ended it...and I think she thought she was for mw what her affair before me was...just sex. I think thios hurt her because she thought she loved me. Amazing how these things work.

 

 

If NC is working for you, don't stop. I know we just 'met', but if you need someone to talk though, feel free to reach out.

 

I will take you up on that. As you can see..I am not shy on taking free help...lol.

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It actually scares me that I still hear SO much sadness in your posts.... that you've been working on healing for this long and it's still so hard. How is the 'work' going on your marriage? Do you feel like you're making progress in getting it to a point where it's fulfilling/meaningful/healthy?

 

I want so badly to be over my AP, but then again, I realize that I must be getting some sort of payoff for still being in it. I know I used him to hide from a lot of things in my life -- loneliness, sadness, disappointment. And I know I'm STILL using him to hide from things. Even though it's now negative drama (at least in how my twisted brain processes it), it's still drama that forces me to think about him and not anything else. And even though I'm getting better, I feel like I'm transferring my addiction to him for an addiction to figuring out how not to love him anymore. But an addiction is an addiction and none of them are healthy.

 

I would give anything to go back to how things were BEFORE him.... I wish I never knew that there was a person that could make me feel like that. I wish I never let him into my head and my marriage. Ahhh. You know what they say about hindsight....

 

I miss him. I hate that I do, but I miss him so much. I hate that our emails are now so generic. I hate everything about this.

 

If there's an easy way to exchange email addresses, let me know. It might be easier.

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DI: just thought about it.... emails from a strange woman are probably not what you need in your life right now! Rookie mistake....:)

 

I was thinking about some of the things in your posts... we actually sound incredibly alike and you actually sound a great deal like my AP. So I'm wondering this: based on how you met your OW, your personalities (desire to be needed and desired) and her needs (to be taken care of, etc), is there a part of you that thinks that it could have ended up being anybody? I have sometimes thought about that myself...I met mine online, but what if it had been another site? Someone different, yet he met the same, intense needs I had at the time? Who knows...

 

I just wish I knew how to feel going forward. Since I started posting, I have crafted a NC email to my AP. At least that is a first step I guess. Do thoughts of your AP still pop in your head? How often? Is she still the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you think about before going to bed? I would love to be able to go through one day without thinking about him... without obsessively checking my email to see if he has sent me anything. We're also Facebook friends (ugghh). So I get to see pictures of him and his "happy family" all the time. It's stupid to be torturing myself.

 

Thanks for listening.

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Ahh MF...I feel your pain.

 

Do I really still sound that sad...man...I guess it just shows. I really don't walk around like some lovesick zombie all day...really.

 

I think that you may also see in my posts the emotional garbage disposal that I have created for myself. On top of my AP ending our A...and my heart breaking...I then had guilt, self-loathing, and shame about what I did to my family. So I start working up the nerve to tell my W and lo and behold I find out...not from her..that the EA she had years ago was actually a PA once. Then I decide to disclose my A and I tell her what I found out and she confesses to a string of short term EAs. So know I am trying to sort out the guilt for what I did, the anger and betrayal for what she did, the guilt for what I put my AP through, and the pain of missing the fantasy of the A. Oh and the kicker...it is mostly my doing.

 

So that is why I sound tortured...I am. Although lately I am more channeled in to my BS anger than anything. Then I go numb. Fun stuff.

 

I agree with you. I wish I never had an A. I wish I never tasted the fantasy fruit of that relationship...never felt those highs...because now everything is pale in comparison..and my real life is a mess. However part of me growing up is knowing that this is real life...and we can't live in the selfish fantasy land of an affair.

 

Are we alike...heck yeah. I read some of your other posts. My father was a big time ladies man. Cheated on my mom many times. I too was so anti-infidelity...had no tolerance...and then I became him...well a little. It hurts. So I feel that pain too.

 

Do I believe that it could have been somebody else...yes. Not to put down my AP...she is a special person...she is beautiful inside and out...but she is not the only one in the world that could have been there at the right time. I think that she was also broken and in need...and we are both really intense...so things moved at lightening speed, we had a physical attraction, and the rest was history...but it could have happened with someone else..for either she or I.

 

I still think about my AP everyday. However, since I started NC it is not all the time. I know what you mean by first thing when you wake up and last thing when you go to sleep...not anymore. Sometimes she will be there in my dreams..but it's rare. In the morning I am usually focused on my day, or my kids, or my crumbling marriage, or how tired I am...usually not her...and morning used to be the worst.

 

I still am triggered. When I drive...because it was when we would talk on the phone. When I am home alone, when I hear music we dedicated to each other, when I am in the shower, when I see certain things on movies or TV, or when I see a pretty girl with short brunette hair. However...it is not all the time, and I am learning to identify and avoid triggers.

 

I do not look at her facebook page...I used to...it was torture..and we are not friends there. I have deleted every email and picture of her and all accounts, I destroyed the prepaid phone I talked to her on. You have to purge him from your life if you want to heal.

 

Look...it will get better. If you would have seen me when the A ended and saw me now...world of difference. By Spring or this time next year I will be so much better. It just takes time...but that clock does not start ticking until you start NC.

 

As for exchanging emails...lol...I like what you wrote. Tell you what....stay aroud LS for a month and post and you can get PM priviledges. Until then...I think this dialogue is very helpful to others in our situation.

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Ahh MF...I feel your pain.

 

Do I really still sound that sad...man...I guess it just shows. I really don't walk around like some lovesick zombie all day...really.

 

I think that you may also see in my posts the emotional garbage disposal that I have created for myself. On top of my AP ending our A...and my heart breaking...I then had guilt, self-loathing, and shame about what I did to my family. So I start working up the nerve to tell my W and lo and behold I find out...not from her..that the EA she had years ago was actually a PA once. Then I decide to disclose my A and I tell her what I found out and she confesses to a string of short term EAs. So know I am trying to sort out the guilt for what I did, the anger and betrayal for what she did, the guilt for what I put my AP through, and the pain of missing the fantasy of the A. Oh and the kicker...it is mostly my doing.

 

So that is why I sound tortured...I am. Although lately I am more channeled in to my BS anger than anything. Then I go numb. Fun stuff.

 

I agree with you. I wish I never had an A. I wish I never tasted the fantasy fruit of that relationship...never felt those highs...because now everything is pale in comparison..and my real life is a mess. However part of me growing up is knowing that this is real life...and we can't live in the selfish fantasy land of an affair.

 

Are we alike...heck yeah. I read some of your other posts. My father was a big time ladies man. Cheated on my mom many times. I too was so anti-infidelity...had no tolerance...and then I became him...well a little. It hurts. So I feel that pain too.

 

Do I believe that it could have been somebody else...yes. Not to put down my AP...she is a special person...she is beautiful inside and out...but she is not the only one in the world that could have been there at the right time. I think that she was also broken and in need...and we are both really intense...so things moved at lightening speed, we had a physical attraction, and the rest was history...but it could have happened with someone else..for either she or I.

 

I still think about my AP everyday. However, since I started NC it is not all the time. I know what you mean by first thing when you wake up and last thing when you go to sleep...not anymore. Sometimes she will be there in my dreams..but it's rare. In the morning I am usually focused on my day, or my kids, or my crumbling marriage, or how tired I am...usually not her...and morning used to be the worst.

 

I still am triggered. When I drive...because it was when we would talk on the phone. When I am home alone, when I hear music we dedicated to each other, when I am in the shower, when I see certain things on movies or TV, or when I see a pretty girl with short brunette hair. However...it is not all the time, and I am learning to identify and avoid triggers.

 

I do not look at her facebook page...I used to...it was torture..and we are not friends there. I have deleted every email and picture of her and all accounts, I destroyed the prepaid phone I talked to her on. You have to purge him from your life if you want to heal.

 

Look...it will get better. If you would have seen me when the A ended and saw me now...world of difference. By Spring or this time next year I will be so much better. It just takes time...but that clock does not start ticking until you start NC.

 

As for exchanging emails...lol...I like what you wrote. Tell you what....stay aroud LS for a month and post and you can get PM priviledges. Until then...I think this dialogue is very helpful to others in our situation.

 

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. I suppose all we have is hope when it is all said and done. There are days that I wish I could just run away from my life so that I don't ever have to have another reminder of him... there are SO many triggers all around me. And they trigger such sadness somedays that it's almost unbearable.

 

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are for you... When you write I'm amazed at how much I can relate to your pain. Though I don't have a WS... I can't imagine how that must feel in addition to everything else. I know that it sounds strange, but in some ways maybe it's helpful that you both have made mistakes? At least it seems like you can start from ground zero without one person having the "moral upper hand" so to speak. Maybe think of it as you both being stripped naked, nothing is off limits, starting fresh... All the things that you'd like to say can now be said. After all, what do you have to lose?

 

My therapist often tells me "do the actions and the feelings will follow". That's been my goal as of late -- do all of the things that show I'm committed to my husband and my life and hopefully I can fall back in love with him (and with my life). Some days I feel like a fraud, other days I just feel numb like you. Most days it feels like I'm on a treadmill going nowhere. The thing is, I don't believe that I will ever, ever feel again what I felt with my AP. Those kinds of feelings just don't happen in established relationships (and probably wouldn't have continued with my AP long term anyway). And while I love my husband dearly, he's never really been the kind of guy to go out of his way to be emotionally available or vulnerable. It's just not in his DNA. And I so NEED him to be vulnerable, emotional, connected. So the thought of never feeling like that ever again sometimes makes me feel like I can't breathe... but then, like you, I know that real life is NOT a fantasy with good reason.... I suppose if I was SO in love I probably wouldn't get anything else done! :)

 

I also relate to how you talk about your AP... I adored my AP. I desired him, appreciated him and put him on a pedestal (which is exactly what he wasn't getting from his W). And in turn, he made me feel beautiful, smart, witty -- perfect (things that I haven't had reflected back to my by my H in years). It was like putting two starving people on the brink of death in front of a beautiful buffet and telling them they couldn't have it. It was the perfect storm... and, yes, it could have been anyone else I believe -- another man who was starving like my AP.

 

Posting on here and having this dialogue with you has been surprisingly cathartic. I do find myself thinking about my AP less and having fewer urges to contact him. Though I am worried that I'm just replacing my addiction to him with an addiction to trying to understand all of this. I have the tendency to look for anything I can to hide away from the things in my life that are really hard... so I need to keep that in mind. But for the time being, I'll take all the help I can get. I do feel I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of NC. I still feel like it will crush me, but hopefully only for a short time. I'll let you know if I can pull it off.

 

Here's another thing.. you said you deleted everything from her... all the emails, pictures, everything. To me that is the hardest thing of all. There is a part of me that wants more than anything to keep them so that someday I can look back on them and have proof that I was once loved and adored like that. I don't go back and read the old ones (way too painful right now). I just can't imagine never being able to go back to them.

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And they trigger such sadness somedays that it's almost unbearable.
If it was truly unbearable you would be dead. Very few things are unbearable...you just don't want to deal with the difficult emotions...me either...much easier to turn to the comfort of an adoring AP. You see the pattern of addiction here.

 

 

 

I'm sorry to hear how difficult things are for you... When you write I'm amazed at how much I can relate to your pain.
We have a very similar story. One of the things that has helped me most about this site is to read other people write things that I could have written word for word. It makes me realize that so much of what happened was not unique. I was not finding my soulmate as much as I was finding someone that could give me what I needed in a time when I needed a very specific thing.

 

Does this mean I didn't love her. I loved her...still do...always will...but she was not my soulmate...I don't believe in those anymore.

 

 

Though I don't have a WS... I can't imagine how that must feel in addition to everything else. I know that it sounds strange, but in some ways maybe it's helpful that you both have made mistakes? At least it seems like you can start from ground zero without one person having the "moral upper hand" so to speak. Maybe think of it as you both being stripped naked, nothing is off limits, starting fresh... All the things that you'd like to say can now be said. After all, what do you have to lose?
In some ways...yes...it allows both of us to have empathy for what we did. Lately, however, I am having a very difficult time not being upset at her. I feel like she minimizes the gravity of the situation. It is a coping mechanism that got both of us into trouble in the past...and it makes me afraid that nothing will change with her.

 

So in some ways it is worse. Two broken people may be more than a marriage can take.

 

 

 

The thing is, I don't believe that I will ever, ever feel again what I felt with my AP. Those kinds of feelings just don't happen in established relationships (and probably wouldn't have continued with my AP long term anyway).
You could easily recapture those feelings in another A. I believe that. Knowing that also points the fact that they are not unique. It was not about him...it was about the situation. If you were not married and starving for emotional connection then what he gave you would not be enough. Besides, the first few years and falling in love are great...being married you forget how it felt...ya know?

 

I agree that you would not have been able to sustain the feelings with AP long term. I would not have either. There are some that do have success..but in cases like ours...with histories like ours...we would eventually get lonely and need more.

 

 

 

And while I love my husband dearly, he's never really been the kind of guy to go out of his way to be emotionally available or vulnerable. It's just not in his DNA. And I so NEED him to be vulnerable, emotional, connected. So the thought of never feeling like that ever again sometimes makes me feel like I can't breathe... but then, like you, I know that real life is NOT a fantasy with good reason.... I suppose if I was SO in love I probably wouldn't get anything else done! :)
This is something that you and your husband should work on in therapy eventually. He may never be able to give you all you want...but it could be better.

 

Also, as you work on yourself you will find that you need less validation from others because you have more self worth. I know I seek validation to feel better. I think that was one of the big reasons for my affair.

 

 

 

It was like putting two starving people on the brink of death in front of a beautiful buffet and telling them they couldn't have it. It was the perfect storm... and, yes, it could have been anyone else I believe -- another man who was starving like my AP.
Exactly. Starving for love and attention.

 

 

 

Though I am worried that I'm just replacing my addiction to him with an addiction to trying to understand all of this. I have the tendency to look for anything I can to hide away from the things in my life that are really hard... so I need to keep that in mind.
I hear you on that one. However, learning about ourselves is much more productive then having affairs.

 

 

I do feel I'm getting more comfortable with the idea of NC. I still feel like it will crush me, but hopefully only for a short time. I'll let you know if I can pull it off.

You will be able to do it...I know. If I did it, and am doing it...anyone can.

 

 

Here's another thing.. you said you deleted everything from her... all the emails, pictures, everything. To me that is the hardest thing of all. There is a part of me that wants more than anything to keep them so that someday I can look back on them and have proof that I was once loved and adored like that. I don't go back and read the old ones (way too painful right now). I just can't imagine never being able to go back to them.
One day you will not need to look back at them. That love that you need proof of can only come from one person....YOU. Unless you can learn to love yourself you will always feel empty, and you will never get enough. This is the key to our recovery. Allowing ourselves to nurture that neglected and abandoned inner child.

 

I got rid of all that stuff so that I would not have the option to look back. Sometimes when we have poor internal structure we have to alter our external structure. It hurt...I cried...but I am glad it's gone.

 

Look it is easier for me to write all this than it is to do. I know that. Just take it a day at a time.

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Well, DI.... I sent the email. I just officially went NC. It's finally over.

 

Thank you... for listening and understanding. I'm not sure I could have mustered up the courage if not for what you said... "if I can do it you can do it". I know the next week or two are going to be torture, but I know it's for the best. Either pay now or pay later, right?

 

I had a very interesting therapy session today... interestingly she said much of the same that you just posted. I am becoming much more aware of my issues and the reasons behind me needing so desperately to be validated by someone else. Obviously my self esteem sucks and I have many issues from my childhood. At least now, with my AP out of my life, I don't have him to hide behind anymore. I can take a deep breath and plunge in and figure all of this out. Maybe in time I will emerge out of all of this a better person.... what a gift that would be.

 

Thanks again.

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As I wrote in your other post...I am so proud. Glad I gave you the nudge you needed...but you knew you had it in you...you just needed a reminder from your emotional brother from another mother over here.

 

Learning about yourself can be a daunting task..good that you have a therapist...and she sounds wise. She has to be if she agrees with me right? LOL!

 

Make sure you pace yourself and make sure you lean on a support system that does not involve you know who.

 

You just gave yourself a huge gift...now it is time to unwrap it...congrats!

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I'm so glad you responded tonight... I really needed to hear it.

 

I know you're right... about everything. As I sit here sobbing uncontrollably it feels like the pain will never end. I know you've been there. It helps to know that you got through the worst of it at least.

 

As usual, I am questioning my decision over and over. That is my M.O.... part of the compulsive side of my personality. I feel like a complete sh*t for ending it over email (I knew if I didn't send it when I was feeling strong then I might never do it). I was thinking about sending another email to tell him that I'd be willing to talk on the phone one last time if he needed closure - although I recognize that it wouldn't matter. It would just be prolonging the inevitable. And really... what is it closure from? We're no longer in an affair. We've been trying the friend thing for something like four months and it's been filled with tension. Contact with him only makes me feel like I want more (even though I KNOW I don't if that makes sense)... it's more about me constantly grasping for him to make me feel the way he did during the affair. I am always reaching and he gives me a little, just to keep me wrapped in. I was half hoping that he would respond back and beg me to reconsider (flashing red light ---addiction! addiction!). But my AP doesn't reconsider anything and he certainly doesn't beg.

 

I know he is hurting right now. It may sound weird, but to him this came out of nowhere... we had just been talking about how we were committed to finding a place for each other in our lives - that based on what we had together that we needed to. So I'm sure he's thinking "WTF?". Either way, I know it's what he needs, too. His marriage has sucked for a long time (yet even now I don't see him doing much to improve it). He will be one of those guys that will remain emotionally shut down in his marriage.

 

So thank you, DI. From the bottom of my heart. I wasn't even contemplating NC as an option until I found this board 3 days ago. It was reading your posts (and everyone else's) that kept reiterating over and over that NC was really the only way of getting out from under the pain. And I hadn't processed until I got on this board how isolated and lonely I've felt having to go through this all alone. It's helped to have others that relate.

 

I'm not going to be much fun over the next week or so, so bear with me. ;)

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Okay... I knew this was going to be hard.

 

I am feeling so many emotions right now. First, I feel like a heartless biatch for ending it over email. Maybe it's just the romantic in me, but I feel like what we shared deserved better than that. I'm trying really hard to fight the urge to contact him back and settle it "right". Second, I am feeling like I made a mistake... maybe we could have stayed friends? I know this is just the withdrawal talking. But isn't SOME of him in my life better than NONE of him? Third, I'm feeling so incredibly sad... like I just gave up someone incredibly meaningful to me. I know that's to be expected. But I'm getting really, really depressed.

 

I miss the thought that I COULD get an email or text from him at anytime -- although the not having to check for them every 30 minutes is a bit liberating, too. I guess I just miss the idea of him... the fantasy of him... the fantasy of what we could have been together. Yet I'm living a great life that I need to once again open myself up to again.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Everything is feeling dark.

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Movingforward, I hear your pain, and I know exactly how it feels. Will it get better? Yes, mercifully it will. Will you eventually get over it? By that I don't mean the blinding, incapacitating pain you are feeling today, I mean the "pain of forever" (as I see it). For your sake I hope you do get over it. I never have.

 

I have a nice life now. Less pressure than I've ever felt. Enough of "everything" material. I'm "comfortable", not happy. Chances are I will never have that perfect storm of happiness we all dream of.

 

Then again...... maybe.

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Movingforward, I hear your pain, and I know exactly how it feels. Will it get better? Yes, mercifully it will. Will you eventually get over it? By that I don't mean the blinding, incapacitating pain you are feeling today, I mean the "pain of forever" (as I see it). For your sake I hope you do get over it. I never have.

 

I have a nice life now. Less pressure than I've ever felt. Enough of "everything" material. I'm "comfortable", not happy. Chances are I will never have that perfect storm of happiness we all dream of.

 

Then again...... maybe.

 

 

Thanks, Lakeside. I think the difference between you and me is that I actually do see my AP as being the wrong choice for me. Don't get me wrong, what I felt with him was something I have never felt in my life. It was amazing, confusing, mind-blowing and transformative. What I realize is that he and I met at a time where we both had big gaping holes in our souls... and we were the perfect match for each other at that time. I filled him up in a way that his wife couldn't, and he filled me up in a way that my husband has forgotten how to.

 

Would I leave my family for him? No. And I'm so grateful for that clarity. It takes away a huge question that I certainly had in the beginning. But I AM dealing with my addiction to the feelings he gave me -- for having that big gaping hole in my soul filled up. But through therapy I'm realizing that only I can fill that hole. And interestingly, as my AP and I have tried unsuccessfully to remain friends, I realize that in the long run, he is too selfish and weak to give me anything that he gave me in the beginning. He turned out to be NOTHING like the man he pretended to be in the beginning. As disappointing as that is, it is also liberating. Because if he HAD remained the amazing person he started out to be, this would be 100% harder.

 

I guess you could say I'm one of the lucky ones... I'm coming to terms with the fact that what I needed all along resides inside of me and in my husband. I shudder to think what I would have lost if my affair fog had not cleared in time for me to realize that. I would have lost everything.

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That's great. There is nothing like a "success story" to make a day brighter. I am certainly impressed that you have "decided" to choose your husband over your MM.

 

I'm not familiar with your whole story. Does your H know of the affair? How is he dealing with it if he knows?

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That's great. There is nothing like a "success story" to make a day brighter. I am certainly impressed that you have "decided" to choose your husband over your MM.

 

I'm not familiar with your whole story. Does your H know of the affair? How is he dealing with it if he knows?

 

 

This feels nothing like a success story for me. It feels like the darkest days of my life. I will never be the same after engaging in the affair. I've lost a part of myself through the process.

 

My story is that I re-met my AP online (old high school classmates). The EA started immediately... we met once about 5 weeks in and were intimate. Around the 6 week mark he started to get cold feet (I didn't want it to end). At 8 weeks, it ended (somewhat mutually, but mostly due to his resolve). I wouldn't say I 'decided' per se... I was pretty deep in the affair fog at the time - I think he made the decision for me. I'd like to think I would have come to the same decision anyway. Ultimately there were far too many roadblocks to us making a life together -- even if he WAS the one.

 

I became a complete mess after it ended -- therapy, antidepressants, couldn't get out of bed for weeks. Thankfully my husband never did learn of the affair. I've talked in depth with my therapist about it, especially recently. She is adamant that I not tell him. While it might go along way to assuaging my guilt, it would crush him and would most definitely lead to the end of my marriage. My husband is an incredibly man. Looking back, I guess we just lost our way... focused on the kids and everything else but each other. I was starving for so much, he didn't notice and I didn't tell him. I should have instead of getting it outside my marriage.

 

I have been on these board for days -- so much of it has helped me make some sense of what happened. But I have to say that I DO feel fortunate that my AP did NOT turn out to be my "soulmate", though I fully believed him to be in the beginning. He still believes that I am his perfect match. Even with all of this, it still hurts that he rejected me -- stupid I know. But I do know that my husband is a much better man than my AP. I just need to figure out how to fall back in love with him after everything that happened. That will be the challenge.

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Movingforward, Your story sounds very much like mine, except for the time it lasted. Not that mine lasted all the that long either.

 

I'm a "guy" (and an old one now) when my travail began I was over fifty. I didn't have the resources to deal with my situation medically or mentally. Not that I would have availed myself of them anyway. I was raised in an era when "toughing it out" was the way it happened. Again I envy you. Maybe my road would have been different with resources like yours. I had a little Single Malt Scotch and a great kitty (RIP) The kitty was experianced though, he'd been through the divorce with me.

 

Use those resources! Lean wherever you can. Try and stay busy too, believe me that helps. I put myself into my work until I started gambling, and that set my life back a few years (never borrowed, never more than I could earn plus bills). It wasn't an addiction. I walked away from it easily. No mental effects whatsoever.

 

You won't get many here who will agree with the following. I agree with your counsilor. DO NOT tell your husband. It will do damage that can never be healed. I went through a divorce from a cheating wife and it was over nearly instantly because I knew I could never forgive. The "better husband" your man is, IMO the less likely it is that he will be able to forgive. You will have to deal with the guilt. My bet is dealing with the guilt is much better than dealing with the damage.

 

Best of luck. When you have a few more posts you will be able to PM. I'm a good listener.

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