naive and struggling... looking for a friend...

[trickme]

I've been reading around on here for a while and finally kinda plucked up the courage to sign up and post.

 

I'm currently in an affair thats been going on for just over a year, i'm desperately trying to end it and i was wondering if possibly someone whose trying to end their affair was looking for someone to talk things through with? as in pm eachother our email addys and help eachother. None of my friends have ever been through this, and neither have i, and although they can give advice some times its hard not having someone who understands.

 

if anyone is interested the facts are kinda as follows:

 

• I'm 21, he's 48 (age has never bothered me)
  
• he has two kids and lives 2 hours away, we work together
  
• hes never promised me anything, never said he'll leave his wife and i've never asked him to - he was only ever looking for sex, said straight up cant offer me anything more.
  
• it's only been physical this year, i got out of a 6 year turbulent relationship July (2008) (if you do the math you'll notice i hadn't slept with anyone other than that guy), and i was very nervous, i've also medical issues there that also made me scared
  
• as far as i've learnt (he's very private about his life) he's let things with me happen (i started all this) because hes always found me attractive and he and his wife never have sex and when they do "she just lays there". We've discussed what we like and dislike and we're very sexually compatable - of course, theres more to life than sex though.
  
• the reason i want it to end? - I don't wanna be second anymore, its morally wrong, i've started developing serious feelings for him, i think if any guy makes you cry they don't deserve you
  
• the reason i'm struggling to end it? - cos its him.
  

he's the only guy to ever really tell me im beautiful. i just get sucked up into this little world we appear to have created. Its not healthy, and I am trying, but with work we can't ever have no contact, i need to deal with him on a daily basis.

 

it sounds horrible, but i dont want him to be over me, of course no one at work knows anythings going on, so when we bump into eachother around the office, the way he looks at me, theres this little sparkle in his eye and a smile he only uses for me, i dont want that to ever go away.

 

I miss him.

[Ms. Red]

You will find a lot of support from many people to end it on here. It's really difficult with daily contact at work.

 

If you want to PM with someone you will have to become a subscriber to gain instant access to PM privileges. Also, you should know that LS discourages swapping e-mails between members.

 

I hope you find the help you are seeking. Welcome to LS!

[bentnotbroken]

How do you know she just lays there? His honesty prehaps?

[whichwayisup]

You have alot of insight into yourself and this situation.. You see it really is going nowhere and as good as this guy makes you feel (at times) you know the big hurt is going to have to happen sooner or later..

 

Keep posting your thoughts and feelings.. Eventually when you get to over 100 posts or so, and within a month after joining (so sometime near end of Oct) you should have PM access. Or, you can pay, and get PM access..

 

I do have to say, many MM lie to their OW about their sex lives at home. Why on earth would he tell you he is still having sex with his wife? All that would do is upset you, and ruin HIS chances of getting sex from you. He's making it seem like things are worse than they really are at home with his wife.

 

He lies to her..The woman he married, said vows to infront of family and friends..The woman who carried his 2 children..Gave birth... Why wouldn't he also lie and omit truths from you?

 

Just giving you something to think about..Seems like you need abit of reality check on that stuff..Don't fool yourself into believing all that he tells you! Protect your heart. Tell him it's over.

[Devil Inside]

Welcome to LS Trickme

 

Your screen name is no longer applicable..seems you can no longer be tricked.

 

Breaking off an affair is a very difficult process...but I think you have taken the first important step in realizing that he can not give you what you deserve.

 

Keep coming here and posting. The community here can be very helpful...and it may give you time to learn about some of the other OW's personalities so that you can pick a "mentor" that will truly help you.

 

Good for you for seeing the light...I know you are in pain...but you should be proud of yourself.

[fooled once]

Is he your boss? If not, then the Affair will be easier to end.

 

You are 21 years old; way too young to be with a man old enough (if not older) than your father. You say the age doesn't bother you; but it will eventually.

 

He cannot offer you anything more than sex.

 

Aren't you worth more than that??

 

Break free -- I know you can do it!!

[trickme]

Thanks for all your replies. its means alot, and i do truely hope this is finally the end.

 

i was wondering if any of you guys have tips on how to end it whilst still in contact. Or like, at least things that i could find helpful for how to not get wrapped up. We have messenger at work so when i do need him i leave the work on his desk whilst his messenger is "idle" and go back and collect it later on when his status is idle again, so i dont see him. which works well, the only thing i tend not to be able to avoid is when he chats to me on the messenger at work, it starts out "hi how are you" and it feels rude to not reply. tomorrow if that does happen im gonna go for the whole "busy, sorry cant chat" and just try to avoid him.

 

whenever i tell him its over i think he finds it a little game. Can he pull the young accounts girl. and unfortunately in the past he's managed to.

 

i find coming on here helps aload. i'd hate to come back and say "so i failed, things happened". Reading the "what you've learnt from affairs post" is what made me decide to end it in the first place, somebody wrote "to them this is a fantasy, but its your real life"... i've never really related to anything more.

 

yesterday he stayed in town and wanted me to come over to his hotel. i said "are you single?... thought not, maybe look me up when you are" and he ACTUALLY said "i'll take off my ring, we can pretend, we can be whoever we want when its just us". i just cant imagine what would run through his mind when he takes off the ring that symbolises his marriage to be with me. that stumps me well and truely. (i didn't go last night incase you were wondering, thats why i posted on here. and pathetically i was rather proud of myself, cos there were many MANY moments when i would of dropped everything and driven over there)

 

so yeh, if you guys have any more ideas, or things i could remember to do or thought processes etc that would benefit me i'd be hugely grateful!! also if you know of any good storys about how an affairs ended whilst in contact i'd appreciate it, at the moment it feels impossible

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Hi Trickme,

 

It seems we are in similar affairs at similar times. I am younger (mid twenties) dating a MM who is in his upper 30s. We've been seeing each other for six months. The sex is amazing, our emotional chemistry is amazing, we can't stop thinking about each other, he says he has never felt this way about any woman, including his wife. Blah blah blah. Something every affair seems to have I've learned.

 

I have also tried to end my affair several times, to no avail, clearly. I don't think there is any suggestion that will magically make it easy to end, as I'm sure you know. NC (no contact) would probably be the closest thing to that and NC is SO HARD to do when you have strong feelings for anyone. And, it becomes next to impossible when you see him on a regular basis like you do.

 

Here are some suggestions that I am also trying myself:

 

-- Stay busy. And, if you're not all that busy. Get busier. You're young. Go out with your friends. Take up a new hobby. Sign up for a class. Learn how to paint or become a photographer. Exercise more than you have been or sign up for classes -- yoga, pilates, etc. Go to the gym and scope out all the good-looking, younger and hopefully AVAILABLE men there.

 

-- Date. Are you dating in addition to MM? That's crucial. That is probably the biggest thing that scares me. While I am dating two other guys, they don't compare to MM in my mind. And, I'm not sleeping with them. That's key, for obvious reasons. Not a big dater? Hell, go to Match.com or something and just go on dates to fill your time and mind. This doesn't have to be serious dating. It's a way to fill your mind and time. It may be a bit selfish, but hey, we're young .

 

-- W/ regards to running into him at work. You need to take a harder line with him. You feel bad that you don't respond to his IMs? He's cheating on his wife with you....what constitutes things that should make you "feel bad" are at a whole new level now. Don't feel that way AT ALL. He doesn't deserve that IM in the first place.

 

-- While you can't go NC completely because you do work with him, you can go NC insofar as you tell him -- more firmly than you have before -- that you're just not interested in talking with him anymore. Don't make it a big elaborate conversation about it (i.e., 'I want to end this, please don't ever IM me again,' etc.) That will A) make it seem even more like a game to him and B) is unrealistic. Just simply ignore him. Over and over again. Tell him you don't want to talk to him and then when he does reach out to you -- either for the first or 17th time, just don't respond. I know that's hard. I know it's something that I'm not doing right now w/ my MM. Although, I think you are a bit further along in realizing you don't want to be involved in your A. It will get easier as you fill your mind with other things (hobbies, other men, work, friends, etc.)

 

It's a collaborative effort on behalf of your entire self in order to ensure you don't let him dominate your mind and life. I am finding that out in the hardest way possible. I wish you luck. Keep us posted.