Former OW... bitter and jaded

[isa25]

Hi everyone, I'm new but have been reading for quite some time.

 

I was in an affair with a MM for 1.5 years (never caught, never told, etc). It's been over for two years. I finally realized it was extremely unhealthy and had to put physical distance between us in order to end it (i.e. I moved to get away from him).

 

Anyways, I'm over the actual affair, but one problem it seems to have caused is my now dysfunctional and distorted view of men and relationships.

 

Basically, I'm convinced they are all lying, manipulative, sex-addicts. Now, I know deep down they aren't all like that, but I am so out of touch that I can't seem to distinguish between the good and bad guys, so I've pretty much lumped them all into the "bad" category. And, lately, I only notice bad things. I don't notice the guy who holds the door open for me. I only notice the guy who lecherously stares at my chest.

 

It's terrible. I want to feel normal and not so jaded, but I have no idea how to do that. I didn't have this view of men before my affair. It's the byproduct, I think.

 

So any advice appreciated, thanks.

[VictoryisMine]

"Basically, I'm convinced they are all lying, manipulative,sex-addicts"

I have known this for 15 years now, lol. And i have learned, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

[Devil Inside]

It is not uncommon for your perception to be altered by being in a relationship based on lies and deceit. From what you describe it seems your mind is filtering sensory information to validate the worldview that men are liars and cheaters.

 

I think that this is something that you could work on in therapy. It would be helpful, especially because this will really effect your ability to from a healthy and nurturing relationship with a man that isn't these things.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi everyone, I'm new but have been reading for quite some time.

 

I was in an affair with a MM for 1.5 years (never caught, never told, etc). It's been over for two years. I finally realized it was extremely unhealthy and had to put physical distance between us in order to end it (i.e. I moved to get away from him).

 

Anyways, I'm over the actual affair, but one problem it seems to have caused is my now dysfunctional and distorted view of men and relationships.

 

Basically, I'm convinced they are all lying, manipulative, sex-addicts.

 

nope, not all. you just might have a knack of picking the wrong men.

 

And if you want to make this about male bashing...hmm...let me see. men wouldn't be able to cheat on their wives if fellow women like you didn't oblige them:o

 

So yes, MM who cheat are the scum of the earth, but don't exclude yourself from any criticism here. You were a WILLING accomplice to it.

[ladydesigner]

I have known this for 15 years now, lol. And i have learned, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

 

I like this:laugh:

 

So far I have not met a man that has not lied or cheated my H included.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Basically, I'm convinced they are all lying, manipulative, sex-addicts.

 

I hold the same feelings. I'm not a man hater, but you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a lying, cheating, manipulative, sex addict. I'm not so sure that it isn't a somwhat healthy coping mechanism considering what seems to be acceptable these days.

[silktricks]

Hmmmmm - that was the attitude that I was afraid I'd have after my first marriage - therefore did therapy and was extremely picky about subsequent relationships....

 

and still ended up getting cheated on

 

but it was a lot of years later.

 

So, I guess no real help to be had here... but I truly believe that there are a lot of good guys out there - mixed up with the manipulative lying sex addicts

 

And what Lovely said??? a lot of truth to be had there... Learn to love yourself and learn peace. It has great healing power.

[isa25]

nope, not all. you just might have a knack of picking the wrong men.

 

And if you want to make this about male bashing...hmm...let me see. men wouldn't be able to cheat on their wives if fellow women like you didn't oblige them:o

 

So yes, MM who cheat are the scum of the earth, but don't exclude yourself from any criticism here. You were a WILLING accomplice to it.

 

You completely missed the point. I wasn't bashing men. In fact, I even said that deep down I know they aren't all like that. I'm saying that the affair left me with an unhealthy perspective that I didn't have before. I witnessed the lies and deception firsthand, whereas prior to that I was blissfully ignorant about marriage and relationships.

 

Thanks to everyone else who replied with helpful thoughts.

[NoIDidn't]

"Basically, I'm convinced they are all lying, manipulative,sex-addicts"

 

I have known this for 15 years now, lol. And i have learned, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

 

I don't think this view is any healthier than the one you started this post with OP.

 

If their behavior disgusts you, why would you want to be like them? Does that mean that you would then disgust yourself? And that's better than just thinking ill of cheating MM?

 

I know its funny to hear, but "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" doesn't work very well when applied to real life.

[tami-chan]

I like this:laugh:

 

So far I have not met a man that has not lied or cheated my H included.

 

This is sad.... I have never met a good-looking, very successful man who has not cheated....granted I have not met many.....

[VictoryisMine]

isa25, Men in general....

 

I've chosen to.. not stand there and get 'run over'... but to 'run with'.

 

In my experience.. single men, married men (not all, i know i know) want to have fun.

 

You can give them the vibe that you're looking for... fairy tale, happily ever after... and give them that reason to lie and manipulate you... OR you can show them it's a fact that you ... could care less and have confidence in whatever happens... and get the truth.

 

I stand my ground, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

[Dexter Morgan]

You completely missed the point. I wasn't bashing men. In fact, I even said that deep down I know they aren't all like that.

 

but.......?

 

 

I'm saying that the affair left me with an unhealthy perspective that I didn't have before.

 

yes, which is you wondering if all men are pigs.

 

"Basically, I'm convinced they are all lying, manipulative, sex-addicts. Now, I know deep down they aren't all like that, but I am so out of touch that I can't seem to distinguish between the good and bad guys"

 

you tried to qualify your statement with the "now I know deep down....." part. But in general, you are struggling with thinking that all men are like this. I am one of them.

 

Sure, I like sex, but I don't cheat.

 

 

I witnessed the lies and deception firsthand, whereas prior to that I was blissfully ignorant about marriage and relationships.

 

what finally tipped you off when dating a married man that he was a liar and deceiver?

 

again you are wanting to bash these married men, and rightfully so...they are pr!cks.....but to me, coming from you, that would be rather hypocritical.

[OWoman]

nope, not all. you just might have a knack of picking the wrong men.

 

And if you want to make this about male bashing...hmm...let me see. men wouldn't be able to cheat on their wives if fellow women like you didn't oblige them:o

 

So yes, MM who cheat are the scum of the earth, but don't exclude yourself from any criticism here. You were a WILLING accomplice to it.

 

Anyone else spot the irony of Dex posting a male-bashing post, on a thread that wasn't even about male-bashing to start with?

[Dexter Morgan]

Anyone else spot the irony of Dex posting a male-bashing post, on a thread that wasn't even about male-bashing to start with?

 

what irony? I wasn't bashing women, it was the idea that she was an accomplice to this man lying, cheating, etc.

 

and the title may not have been about male bashing, but male bashing did take place. it happened with the OP and some that responded.

[2sure]

Bitter and Jaded. I've done that a couple of times. In fact, I'm going through a short cycle of it right now. I know it will be short , because Ive had this reaction before and gotten over it.

 

Getting over that feeling is a matter of both making a decision to AND realizing that your bitter and jaded feelings have way more to do with how you feel about yourself than they do with men in general.

 

For example, right now I do not feel like I have ever had a healthy relationship. In fact, if I look at my past experience, I would say that I would not recognize a healthy relationship if it slapped me upside the head. So....that's someone's fault?? Maybe many someone's fault...but mostly mine. I can't trust my own judgment. Clearly, I should not. Not until I make an effort to learn what a healthy relationship IS. Via here, therapy, and some books.

 

I expect, after I learn something...I will feel more confident in myself and my judgment. With those 2 things, bitter and jaded just have no place.

[Sanafa]

How is this for hillarious.... and I do mean I laughed out loud.

 

When I first moved here from another city I dated a man I had met in my neighborhood. Very nice, professional and 'seperated" to the point where he lived here and she lived in another location a good hour away from here.

 

After 4 years of dating.... and sex..... I had a couple of my own issues with the relationship - one, he was 18 years older and two and more important at the time my career was literally just taking off and my attention needed to be there. So for me, dating - dinner once a week and a few hours was perfect.

 

One day I get a call.... from his "girlfriend" apparently I didn't have my radar up ( and I didn't because I was focused on other things) ... anyway... long story short.... He had three of us .... Me, his girlfriend and his loving wife of 27 years:sick:

 

I never considered it an affair - because I had NO clue.... regardless, girlfriend tells wife, wife calls me... I say yes.... and on it goes.

 

Never laid eyes on him after that.

 

Now back to my life today.... I was talking to a good long time friend and she said " Not sure what it is about you, but they always want to come back' at the time, she was trying to make me feel better- but also wasn't lying.... for some reason, past ex's have always tried to come back----and yes, that is every significant one.

 

Today, I am at work..... and checked my email.... Laugh out loud!!! Here is Mr. 3 Woman saying " Been a long time, can we get together and talk?"

 

Moral of the story ----- FAR more men stay but don't really stay.... whether anyone wants to believe it or not

 

They were in marriage councilling....... he had money to lose, Son was told and on and on..... now about 5 years later is his once again knocking.

 

I haven't replied.... but I am pondering copying his wife and telling her to keep her husband on a leash......

 

 

Someone ( can't for the life of me remember who) once said here.... once there is chemistry.... even without love - they have a taste... and while most will spend years trying to make it work..... Most will also go looking for it again.

 

I realize I am going to get bashed big time....... but this aren't statistic's.... they are truly what I have witnessed........

 

Now, I will not hurt his wife by telling her.... but if you really want to know why -It isn't because I care if I hurt him.... it is because I have seen enough here to know one thing

 

There is a 90% chance.... it doesn't matter.... senseless pain in my opinion.

 

 

So... not jaded, but certainly have a much more realistic view on relationships.