Jump to content

Thoughts from OW's who were also BS's


Recommended Posts

I am looking for some thoughts from OW's who were also BS's on some of the thinking that might have crossed their minds during the affair.

 

Let me set the stage first. I fell in love with WW when I was in high school. We dated over my last year of school and continued with a LDR while I was in the military. I quit the military, moved to be with my then fiancé but within 6 months we split up. I do not have any clear memories of what/why this happened but feel free to assume that a few months later, I seemed to sober up and get my life straightened out but without her.

 

The next decade saw a few off-on relationships and when I was 30 I met my wife to be. We got married, had 4 kids and seemed to have a good damn marriage. In fact, it seemed to be hitting its peak in the last few years as the kids grew up and headed out of the house. I have worked overseas before during these 25 years and recently took a job offer overseas for a two year contract. BTW, yes, the odd time I did think of her but I caulked it up to “what if” fantasies.

 

After 6 months of being here and with classmates and face book available, I ended up sending a hello and hi email to my ex sweetheart of 30 years ago. It was like a flood was released. It took 5 days and we were saying “sweetheart, love, relationship” in our letters.

If I told you what I wrote, well, trust me, it was not pretty as I seemed to surrender everything to woo her.

 

Here’s the kicker. She had become a BS a few months before when her husband had decided to examine his same sex tendencies with some guy he hooked up with on a website. She was upfront with this information and indicated that she/they were taking it one day at a time but in the meanwhile, we could renew our relationship and be friends.

 

Well, three months later, when the guilt of the affair was getting harder to ignore, I mailed her a letter saying that I could not commit to any affair of any sort and the only thing I could be is “friends”. Her response was non-committal and she said that she thought I had come into her life to give her support & a shoulder to lean on while her marriage was going downhill. A few weeks later, she says that she and her husband have decided to give their marriage another chance and she was still interested in keeping me as a friend.

 

Two months later, when home on one of my visits, my wife confronts me with email evidence of the affair and demands a choice. I decide that I love my wife more and start NC and go on from there.

 

I am now currently trying to come to terms with my “inexplicable behavior” and it seems likely that I did not achieve closure at the time of separation 30 years before and kept the torch alive for the whole time in my subconscious but that’s neither here nor there. And while that might explain my behavior, in retrospect, I’m wondering at her rationalization for her participation.

 

So, my question is why would my BS not have told me to back off, I’m a married woman and you’re heading down broken hearted affair road with this sort of crap?

 

Given that she was a BS (six months or so), why would she have encouraged my involvement in her life when I first mentioned “I still have thoughts and feelings for you?

 

 

Why would she encouraged my trip down the affair road if she must have known that my wife was going to become a BS by her actions and knew firsthand what sort of pain my wife would experience?

 

Would this be a classic “revenge ****” that she was going to partake in now that I created the opportunity?

 

Or perhaps, would this fall under the “I can use my ex boyfriend as a tool to make my WS jealous as I now have proof that other men desire me?

 

This is not something I can ask of the OW anymore now that I have established NC and so, I am hoping that at least one of you OW who had also been BS’s might have some insight as to what was going on in her mind.

 

She must have known that this affair meant that I was going to become an adulterer like her husband. She must have known that my wife would feel the pain of betrayal the same as she was experiencing at that very time. So why? Why would she indulge in an emotional affair?

 

Anyone care to comment?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'd like to suggest something...and this is by no means said in anger or meant in a negative way.

 

Rather than focus on why she didn't tell you to back off...you'd best be served in changing your focus completely OFF of her, and more on why you took the actions that you did.

 

And even better, what you can do to safeguard your marriage and reconcile it now.

 

Again, no anger here...it's an honest recommendation. Focusing on her won't further your recovery, either personal or marital. It won't do you any good, but it CAN slow down that recovery process.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am now currently trying to come to terms with my “inexplicable behavior” and it seems likely that I did not achieve closure at the time of separation 30 years before and kept the torch alive for the whole time in my subconscious but that’s neither here nor there.

 

It is a little neither here nor there...BUT. Its amazing how it wasnt until the dawning of sites like facebook and the opportunity to reconnect to our lost youth...how many people lived successful lives and happy marriages without this closure. Also might want to make note that this inexplicable behavior almost always arrives at mid-life, either your personal mid-life or a marriages. The time when all look back and have some what ifs. Coincidence that we always find our lost loves from youth, right at the same time. Closure?? Ya think?

 

 

So, my question is why would my BS not have told me to back off, I’m a married woman and you’re heading down broken hearted affair road with this sort of crap?

 

Any affair is a blow not only to the marriage but to the self esteem and confidence of the betrayed spouse. To a woman, especially a woman who is dealing with aging and changing...to find her H had an affair with MEN would deepen the hurt. So, she has a lot to prove to herself right now.

And you or another affair could do that for her, in her mind.

 

As to why she didnt warn you, protect your marriage, not told you to back off....ummm...Thats YOUR JOB. You cant expect someone else, a stranger , to do more for your own marriage than yourself - especially not a woman so obviously in crisis herself.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I am a BS and xOW and I believe your WW was suffering in her marriage and vulnerable and it probably felt good to talk to you (ego feed). Her ego was obviously torn apart by her H's affair and you are a way to buffer the situation. Maybe there were some unresolved feeling from before. Either way you realized it was wrong and are now making ammends. Best of luck on rekindling your marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was a BS and my husband left me for an "old friend" from our past who suddenly reappeared. I've also contacted a few old boyfriends from 30+ years ago on FB and other sites. So, I can relate to your issues.

 

Basically, I agree with the other posters that cite the woman's vulnerability and need for affirmation. It's so devastating to be left for another (although the husband being gay is not a conscious choice). You feel like no one will ever find you attractive and the loneliness is intense. It would be hard to resist the temptation of a warm and caring response from before the mess even started.

 

However, everyone is different. For the most part the men I have reconnected with are glad to hear from me, but there is a clear boundary between renewed friendship and interest in starting a new affair. That's from both sides. Since I had that happen to me and would not want to do that to someone else. Still there is a deep kind of connection with those you were once inmate with that is different from others you meet again. So, it's more likely to happen.

 

The woman my husband left me for, was out fishing for new boyfriends. I don't think most people are that blatant and opportunisit when they look to reconnect.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...