Understanding his thinking.

[cianne]

I am a MW, and I got involved with a MM. We were both very unhappy in our marriages, so we planned for about a year to leave our marriages and move in together. From what I could tell my H and I had a better relationship than my MM and his W did. My H and I communicated with each other, and from what my MM told me his W did not communicate with him. My MM told me that his marriage was sexless and communicationless. I have 1 child with my H, and my MM has no children with his W. We are older (mid 40's) and neither of us plan on having any more children. The lengths my MM went to hiding our relationship was shocking to me, but he always told me he wanted no trouble from his W, and that is why he wanted to hide it so. The way I took that is that she may accuse him of domestic violence or something along those lines. So, I told him he would have to make his move before I would come along. He did move out and I followed a few weeks later. As soon as I moved in with him I could tell things were not quite right. He was not home from work when he should have been, and I noticed when I moved in that he had very few of his belongings there. That meant to me that he still had them at his W's house. I questioned it, and he would just say he would get them in time. He did not own a house with his W, and he told me that he would just furnish our place little at a time. And he did. He was buying things for the apartment a little at a time. I had the majority of furniture, so the was not needed. After about a month something drastic happened. He left and did not come back at all that night. I called him the next morning and he said he stayed at a friends. I asked him if he was missing his W, and needed to go back home, but he would not say that. I told him my H would welcome me back with open arms, but that I was in love with him and wanted us to work. I moved out the next day. I returned to the apartment and spent the night with my MM that night and tried to get him to tell me what was going on, but I could not get him to. I asked him to just say the truth, but all he could say is that he loved me and could'nt tell someone he loved goodbye. I left the next morning and have had NC with him since. It has been 3 weeks. I am so in love with him, and so confused as to what happened. He told me he was not in love with his W, but did feel sorry for her. Why could'nt he be truthful with me, and now what will happen. He had 12 month lease on the apartment, and I went by there na few days ago, and the apartment was vacant.

[bentnotbroken]

Why would you think he would go to such great lengths to hide your A from his wife(i.e. lie to her)but not lie to you? I must admit I will never understand this concept when it comes to affairs. This relationship is built on deceit and dishonesty, yet he was all of a sudden become a person of honesty and respect. Did he have a conscious transplant?

[cianne]

Why would you think he would go to such great lengths to hide your A from his wife(i.e. lie to her)but not lie to you? I must admit I will never understand this concept when it comes to affairs. This relationship is built on deceit and dishonesty, yet he was all of a sudden become a person of honesty and respect. Did he have a conscious transplant?

I am trying to figure out why a man would say he wanted a new life, move out, ruin his credit and for what? Do they just think that what they want and then decide its not?

[bentnotbroken]

It would be hard to say what one actually thinks. My personal believe is they don't think at all. There are several MM who may be able to answer you question with more insight and certainly more understanding. My belief is he is a selfish coward who's wife gave him hell and he was to big a wuss to do anything that would shake up his little world. What about your H?

[cianne]

It would be hard to say what one actually thinks. My personal believe is they don't think at all. There are several MM who may be able to answer you question with more insight and certainly more understanding. My belief is he is a selfish coward who's wife gave him hell and he was to big a wuss to do anything that would shake up his little world. What about your H?

My H was actually understanding, I can't say I would have been if it would have been him doing what I did, but I know I do not have the same feeling for my H that I do for my MM. I wish I could get the feelingfr my h that I presently have for my MM. I try so hard to get the MM out of my thought, but it is so hard. I can't even kiss my H, and sex is so far outm of the question, so I do not know what to do.

[bentnotbroken]

Counseling would be a great first step. MC(marriage counseling) and IC(individual counseling). Thoughts leads to actions. Thinking of the om and wanting him, will lead to the continuation of the EA and possibly the PA.

[cianne]

Counseling would be a great first step. MC(marriage counseling) and IC(individual counseling). Thoughts leads to actions. Thinking of the om and wanting him, will lead to the continuation of the EA and possibly the PA.

i understand that about me, if i wanted to, i want my MM. I made my decision and now it seems I dont know what went wrong. Did he decide he loved his wife, feel sorry for her or what. My marriage will never be the way it was when we first met, and that is what I want...passion and to be in love. So if the MM does not return I will still divorce my H. there is no use in living without being in love with the one I'm with.

[bentnotbroken]

That is the most honorable thing you could do for your H, divorce. Maybe we should all have to take classes before we get married. If one were to research the psychological stages of love..one would see that passion is only a flair, not sustaining to any meaningful relationship. As love grows, it moves beyond that initial lust filled beginning. But I guess that's just me.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Damn so your in love with being in love. Your husband damn sure needs a divorce. I'd rather be divorced than to be have any man's sloppy seconds.

 

It's a shame, that now that the OM has left, NOW you dont know what you want. Please, lady the affair was over because the OM got cold feet and couldnt deal with it, being a coward that he honestly was. You was in love with a figment in your mind, you loved who you thought he was!!!

 

Bottom line. Then your gonna proclaim you dont need a man, your a strong woman, you can live your life independant of men?

 

Dont you feel any sorrow or remorse for your actions, and how you've basically played yourself. is that the type of example to leave for your children?

 

Harsh but real...

[tami-chan]

Damn so your in love with being in love. Your husband damn sure needs a divorce. I'd rather be divorced than to be have any man's sloppy seconds.

 

It's a shame, that now that the OM has left, NOW you dont know what you want. Please, lady the affair was over because the OM got cold feet and couldnt deal with it, being a coward that he honestly was. You was in love with a figment in your mind, you loved who you thought he was!!!

 

Bottom line. Then your gonna proclaim you dont need a man, your a strong woman, you can live your life independant of men?

 

Dont you feel any sorrow or remorse for your actions, and how you've basically played yourself. is that the type of example to leave for your children?

 

Harsh but real...

 

How do you think she is in love with being in love? How did you reach that conclusion? On the flip-side, you also said she is in love with a "man" who is a figment of her imagination...so which is which? Do you think she is in love with the idea of falling in love or do you think she fell in love with a phantom? BTW, do you actually think through the stuff you spew out here?

 

I am curious, so what is your advice to her? or did you just post to make her feel so much worse?

[Chrome Barracuda]

How do you think she is in love with being in love? How did you reach that conclusion? On the flip-side, you also said she is in love with a "man" who is a figment of her imagination...so which is which? Do you think she is in love with the idea of falling in love or do you think she fell in love with a phantom? BTW, do you actually think through the stuff you spew out here?

 

I am curious, so what is your advice to her? or did you just post to make her feel so much worse?

 

My marriage will never be the way it was when we first met, and that is what I want...passion and to be in love.

 

When a cheating woman says that, it's as clear as day. need i say more. She's chasing the affair high. Now that the OM has thrown her under the bus where will she get it now??? With someone else I assume, she cant go back home with pretending she's feeling her husband that's a lie...

 

but all he could say is that he loved me and could'nt tell someone he loved goodbye. I left the next morning and have had NC with him since. It has been 3 weeks. I am so in love with him, and so confused as to what happened. He told me he was not in love with his W, but did feel sorry for her. Why could'nt he be truthful with me, and now what will happen. He had 12 month lease on the apartment, and I went by there na few days ago, and the apartment was vacant.

This OM just wanted her for the side piece and when it got a little hot he bounced. Truthfully he didnt love her, he just said that to get in her pants.

 

Let's be real here! he buttered her up and she fell for it! just like the OW usually does. And now that the free ride is over her mind is in turmoil because she doesnt know which way to go.

 

I'm mad because these weak minded women fall prey to these men, blame their husbands for the crappy marriages when they could have changed things themselves and resent others for their own choices!

 

NO ONE PUT A GUN TO HER HEAD AND MADE HER CHEAT!!!

 

...that was her choice. she needs to own it.

 

My advice to her is to ask her why she cheated. find the why, apologize to the H. and be by yourself! why do you need to be with someone who will cheat on his wife, he'll damn sure do it to you!!! Speaking of which there's proabably someone else! And why are you so strongly against what I say tami??? I dont post things to make people feel bad, but only for them to think!!!

 

THINK! is that so much to ask?

[tami-chan]

My marriage will never be the way it was when we first met, and that is what I want...passion and to be in love.

 

When a cheating woman says that, it's as clear as day. need i say more. She's chasing the affair high. Now that the OM has thrown her under the bus where will she get it now??? With someone else I assume, she cant go back home with pretending she's feeling her husband that's a lie...

 

but all he could say is that he loved me and could'nt tell someone he loved goodbye. I left the next morning and have had NC with him since. It has been 3 weeks. I am so in love with him, and so confused as to what happened. He told me he was not in love with his W, but did feel sorry for her. Why could'nt he be truthful with me, and now what will happen. He had 12 month lease on the apartment, and I went by there na few days ago, and the apartment was vacant.

This OM just wanted her for the side piece and when it got a little hot he bounced. Truthfully he didnt love her, he just said that to get in her pants.

 

Let's be real here! he buttered her up and she fell for it! just like the OW usually does. And now that the free ride is over her mind is in turmoil because she doesnt know which way to go.

 

I'm mad because these weak minded women fall prey to these men, blame their husbands for the crappy marriages when they could have changed things themselves and resent others for their own choices!

 

NO ONE PUT A GUN TO HER HEAD AND MADE HER CHEAT!!!

 

...that was her choice. she needs to own it.

 

My advice to her is to ask her why she cheated. find the why, apologize to the H. and be by yourself! why do you need to be with someone who will cheat on his wife, he'll damn sure do it to you!!! Speaking of which there's proabably someone else! And why are you so strongly against what I say tami??? I dont post things to make people feel bad, but only for them to think!!!

 

THINK! is that so much to ask?

 

LOL..!!! ahhh...the truth finally. You are angry. You know CB, they are not doing this to you. I do not know what happened to you, but you have to try and see each story individually, separate from whatever pain you went through and is still, obviously, going through.

 

You know, she and her husband communicated well, as she said. And judging by the fact that the husband will still have her, I am sure she left her husband without being a "b" about it. She could have carried on the affair in secrecy until D-day happens but that is not what she did. Isn't that what BSs want? For them to be told the truth so they can decide for themselves what they want to do ? Well, despite the truth, he still wants her back. Some people are just loved that way, Chrome. You can't be angry about that.

 

Let me answer your question on why I am so "against you"-because you use crass words and come across hateful to those who do not hold the same moral code as you do; because you, more often than not get your facts all screwed up and you do not have the humility to apologize to the OP when called out, perhaps because you think they do not deserve any; because you always slam an OP before you give any advice; you are unkind. There, clear now?

 

You DO post to make people feel bad. Accepting that truth about yourself is a big leap, I know. But why lie to yourself? What good could that possibly do to you?

 

PS: Thank you for your "advice", you should have posted that before your rant.

[LakesideDream]

i understand that about me, if i wanted to, i want my MM. I made my decision and now it seems I dont know what went wrong. Did he decide he loved his wife, feel sorry for her or what. My marriage will never be the way it was when we first met, and that is what I want...passion and to be in love. So if the MM does not return I will still divorce my H. there is no use in living without being in love with the one I'm with.

 

 

Swap the genders, and I been there and done that with the slight cavet my marriage had ended just before. You may never know why he made the choices he did.

 

You love him. Let that be enough. Good luck with your life's next chapter.

[Chrome Barracuda]

LOL Do I look angry to you? Hmmm well as someone as betrayed why wouldn't I feel angry on that behalf. Also her husband possibly doesnt have an angry bone in his body. but let any man worth there worth a with a little bit more pride. He'd be enraged. You cannot just sit back as a man and have him be okay with his Wife F-ing another man and thus less moving in with him, and being passive about it! He's a pushover...

 

You know what we as BS's want is for our wives and husbands to keep their legs closed but I guess we need to start writing that in our marriage vows...

 

And you say I use crass words? Awww is papa smurf gonna gonna show me that unicorns frolick in the enchanted forrest and we're gonna eat bread with magic sprinkles on them too???

 

I understand the facts and you know there's not much depth to them. they all sound the same it's starting to become tedious and a joke... Oh he wont leave his wife, I found my soulmate, I love but not in love....

 

Come on...

 

And if my posts happen to make people feel bad. well I'm sorry I didnt know I couldnt do that... lol.

 

I'm a real straight to the point kinda guy.

[lkjh]

well you got what you deserved. I really can't believe that you are shocked that this guy would lie to you. The two of you are cheaters and liars, thats what you guys do. You can't be shocked when a cheater and liar lies to you.

[tami-chan]

LOL Do I look angry to you? Hmmm well as someone as betrayed why wouldn't I feel angry on that behalf.....

 

I don't know how you look. I only got that you were mad because you said so yourself. You should not be angry on whomever's "behalf"- their life's story is not yours neither is yours theirs. THAT is what is not right about you. You personalize these things like it happened to you. It is very unhealthy. It SEEMS you are getting a kick at putting this people down-like you are channeling your revenge because some woman wronged you.

 

Anyway, sorry OP for the t/j.

[LakesideDream]

well you got what you deserved. I really can't believe that you are shocked that this guy would lie to you. The two of you are cheaters and liars, thats what you guys do. You can't be shocked when a cheater and liar lies to you.

 

 

If life were only that simple. Of course you can be suprised! Love clouds everything. People throw around the phrase "affair fog". It works both ways. That for may or may not be swirling around true feelings.

 

The actions of a person in love is operating outside the "normal" world. Things we can see when not affected by that "fog" the people living it can't see.

[aussiegirl66]

well you got what you deserved. I really can't believe that you are shocked that this guy would lie to you. The two of you are cheaters and liars, thats what you guys do. You can't be shocked when a cheater and liar lies to you.

 

Sorry lkjh, but I have to call you out on an obvious error...SHE (the OP) is not a liar and a cheater. If you read her post correctly, she says that she communicated with her H so her husband knew about the affair, perhaps he didn't know about it initially but he eventually knew about it and she did the right thing by her H. Yes, the MM is a liar and a cheat. Please read things more carefully!

[MistyK]

You're probably never going to fully understand his thinking. But even if you do, it's probably not going to be a line of thinking you agree with or think is rational. My point is, it's not worth wasting your mental energy on anymore. He was obviously spineless and its much better that you discovered this now rather than much later. Pity his wife who is still choosing such a pathetic waste of a man. At any rate, try to refocus your energy on where you go from here. What's next for you now?

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with Misty that even if he tells you what he was thinking, you still won't understand.

 

Its a waste of time.

 

He's gone. To wherever.

 

Time to move on, whatever that means for you.

[Devil Inside]

Cianne

 

Ouch..that must have hurt. I'm sure you were excited that you two were finally going to be together...and then you had the rug pulled out from under you.

 

It seems from his actions that as much as he wanted this to happen her could not end his marriage. Maybe he figured that moving in with you would be what he needed to finally get him over that hump...that holding you every night in bed and seeing you everyday would help him get past the fear of her reaction and how her would feel...but it wasn't.

 

I'm sure he was very conflicted in his mind. However, if he couldn't handle the situation at this stage...he would have had a hard time dealing with life's stresses...and that would have put a lot of pressure on you to make the relationship work.

 

I do not think that he will ever be able to give you the closure you seek. I can see why you would be devastated. It would have been so much better if he just told you before the whole apartment fiasco that he couldn't do it...that he couldn't leave.

 

I think that many men that have affairs have serious issues from childhood that impeded their functioning as adults. He carried on this whole charade of two homes rather than be straight with either you or his wife. He must really fear abandonment or rejection.

 

I think this can also be a lesson to others in situations where both partners are married. Leaving a marriage to be with someone else can set up a difficult dynamic. You must leave a marriage because you want out...not because you found something better...if not things like this happen.

 

Good luck to you.

[seibert253]

Here comes a smack of reality. I'm not saying this to be mean, but you need something to knock the sense back into you.

 

If you haven't figured this out yet, here it goes:

Your MM lied to you. He loves his wife more than you and he went back to her. He spent the entire time of your relationship lying to his wife, what makes you think he wouldn't lie to you?

 

If you have any honor left, D your husband and set him free. I somehow get the feeling that he's hanging around hoping you'll come home. Or, worse yet you are stringing him along. He deserves better. Do the honorable and honest thing and set him free. Your actions this far haven't been exactly honest and honorable, but now is a good time to start.

 

You've made this mess, it's time for you to clean it up.

[seibert253]

Sorry lkjh, but I have to call you out on an obvious error...SHE (the OP) is not a liar and a cheater. If you read her post correctly, she says that she communicated with her H so her husband knew about the affair, perhaps he didn't know about it initially but he eventually knew about it and she did the right thing by her H. Yes, the MM is a liar and a cheat. Please read things more carefully!

 

I have to respectfully disagree. SHE IS A CHEATER AND A LIER. She engaged in this while married. From what I read, she commuicated this fact to her husband after it occurred.

 

No she hasn't done the right thing yet. The right thing is to D her husband so he and she can find someone else.

[herenow]

I agree with those who say that he lies to his wife, so it just makes sense that he would lie to you.

 

The problem I have with this is the fact that you feel you need to be with the "one" you love to be happy. IMO, you need to be happy with yourself first. Your H deserves to be free of a woman who loves another man and you need to "love" yourself a bit more.

 

Maybe some time alone will help you realize that "you" define "you". No man is going to do it for you. If you can't be happy with yourself, how can you be happy with anyone else?

 

A man can be a part of a happy life, but if your depend on someone else to determine how you feel or who you are, you are bound to be hurt over and over again.

[cianne]

I'm just being very honest. If my husband is in love with me ev3en after what I've done, I can't control that. I have told him point bland I have zero passion for him. I respect him as a man, but sorry, the passion and romance is gone, and I refuse to go the rest of my life not feeling that. I realize that in mariaqge the passion and lust fades, at least in my marriages it has. I will keep on looking till I find my next passionate man. My husband will be the first to know, because I will tell him. For the mean responses to my post, I am wondering if you were hurt by your spouse, and this is why you are so angry at most who post on this site. This site should be for people who are trying to get through a heartbreak, not a site where people who are bitter can take out their anger on the heartbroken. I agree affairs are not moral, they are just life. No one can make someone love them, and if I don't love my husband its not a crime its just a fact of life. I have a few ex husbands and boyfriends that I am in close contact with, and we are close friends. There is no romantic feeling between them and I anymore. I visit them and their wives and we all get along just fine. So for all you haters......get over it...there are many people in this world who understand that an affair can be the beginning of a life long love affair. I look forward to my next love affair.