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An open letter from an OW to my MMs BW...


Fallen Angel

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BW,

I know you don't know me. For obvious reasons, for me, this is a good thing. But sometimes i wonder, if the circumstances were different, would we be friends? I am sure we have a lot of differences, but I am willing to bet we are more alike than he even realizes. After all, he loves us both, and we both love him.... we obviously share some common ground.

 

First, I would like to say I am sorry. I am sorry for the smiles I have stolen from you. The kisses, the carresses, and the many hours of intimate conversation. I am sorry for all the times he lied to you, and I aided him in decieving you. That is not my true nature.

 

My true nature is to be honest, and good, and loving. My true nature is to be open, and giving and helpfull. When I am with him, I am all those things, to everyone except you. I wish i was strong enough to always exhibit the parts of me that are the best of me. But i am weak.

 

I am weak. That is a hard thing to admit. But, I am sure you understand, because you are weak too. We both know, each about the other, but seem to be powerless to make him choose.

 

He pretends to believe that you don't know. But, you and I, we know differently. You have seen the phone bills, you have heard the whispered phone calls, the late nights sitting at his computer, til the sun comes up. You have tried calling and gotten his voice mail too many times. You know, and it hurts you, and I am sorry.

 

I am sorry he was with me, when your grandchild was born too early. I am sorry that he chose to stay, even after you called. he would have come, if i had been able to come with him. And I know, how horrible that must feel for you to know. I tried to get him to go. For your sake. Please know that.

 

I am sorry for the times he leaves the house, and misses out on family time because he knows that i am missing him. I am sorry you have had to see him drive around the block several times before pulling in the driveway because he just can not bring himself to say goodbye. it makes me feel like a thief.

 

I am sorry for the times when I have been on the edge of saying it is over, and he has been nasty to you, because of being hurt by me. I am sorry for all of this and so much, so much more. You probably do not believe me, i wouldn't if I was you. but it is true.

 

It is true because if i was you, I know how devestated i would feel. But know this, I envy you.

 

I don't envy the lies he tells you, i envy that he still loves you enough to lie. i don't envy the nights you are alone, i envy the days that you have him. I don't envy the love he takes away from you to give to someone else. But I envy the fact that he obviously loves you more than he will ever love me.

 

I am jealous. I want to hate you. But he has never said an unkind word about you. He loves you, he respects you, he shares everything with you... except for me. You got to have his name, You gave him his children whom he adores, you stood next to him through everything.

 

You have no reason to envy me. What I get, is what is left over. And it is not enough to fill a life. I wish it was. I can not imagine my life without him, yet when I look ahead, my life is empty.

 

It is not me he plans to grow old with. it is not me he will celebrate his 25th anniversary with this year. It is not me who he plans on loving and supporting until death do us part. You get all of that. And you know that it what I desire.

 

I wish I could hate you. That would make it easier. But I can not. I want to be you... well, almost.

 

I promise i will try to grow strong enough to give you back the part of him i have been taking. It is a small part, but i have been holding on to it like a drowning man holds on to a float. I want to give it back. I want to make us both free.

 

We have both been in a prision, trapped, feeling as though if we both hold on, we will leave with the prize. But the truth is, we are here because we have both been weak, but more so, because he is weak. he shares things with me that he is ashamed for you to see. he wants to be strong with you, for you to feel proud of him, and so he uses me to show his weakness. he uses me to be that part of himself he thinks you will not be proud of, that part of him he fears you will reject.

 

And it is not fair. Not to you. not to me. and not even to him.

 

I think if he gave you the chance, you would love and accept him for all that he is, even that flawed scared little boy he feels he can only be with me. I think if he gave you the chance, that he would see that he had everything he needed all along.

 

I think soon, he will give you the chance. I will be leaving soon. he will need you more than ever. And I hope that he has learned from me, how to love you better. how to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I have told him that he needs to give to you all that he has given me, and watch how you blossom into the woman of his dreams again. i hope he was listening.

 

i know you will never read this here. it is okay. I had to say it anyway, and i do not have the strength to say it to you directly. i do not wish to force a Dday on him. Even though it has long since passed, you wanted to act as though it didn't. You waited me out, and I concede defeat.

 

I love you. I know that sounds odd. i know you do not believe it, but I do. I love you for loving him. I love you for helping to shape him into someone I could love so completely, when I did not know that i could ever feel love again. I wish you happiness. i wish you love.

 

Thank You, for sharing him with me for a little while. i know it has been hard for you, but it has helped me to learn to love again. And that was a gift. Thank you.

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"I am sorry he was with me, when your grandchild was born too early. I am sorry that he chose to stay, even after you called. he would have come, if i had been able to come with him. And I know, how horrible that must feel for you to know. I tried to get him to go. For your sake. Please know that."

 

I couldn't read much more after that. Boy, he really is a sh*t, isn't he? And I call BS on the mealy-mouthed "I tried to get him to go." Obviously, you didn't try hard enough.

 

Blah blah blah I really am so sorry, I am so nice, I am so good, I do no wrong but this is out of our power, but I really am sorry......screw that.

 

BS - you aren't sorry. If you WERE sorry, then you'd stop the EMA. You'd hang the freaking phone up instead of getting off on the fact that he's driving around the block like an idiot.

 

You just want to mitigate your guilt and try to convince yourself that you are so lily white and such a nice person.

 

You are having an affair. You are f*cking someone else's husband. Own it, and either be proud of it and live with it, or quit snivelling and trying to convince people that you are some sort of saint with a golden twat.

 

Sheesh.

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I did not write this for you, I wrote it for me. I hope it makes you feel better to lash out at me. Good Luck to you!

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Good luck to you, too. You didn't write it for you. If you had, it would be on pretty, handmade, deckled paper in calligraphy, just to emphasize the preciousness and the sincerity of your love and your emotion.

 

You LOVE the wife? Puhlease. Even your name "Fallen Angel" is indicative of how wonderful you feel yourself and how blameless you feel yourself.

 

Sex is earthy, sweetheart - not ephemeral. You didn't do anything that made God smile or the angels sing.

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If you have nothing constructive to say, please refrain from saying anything. I do not have to, nor will i justify myself to you or anyone else. You do not know me, you do not know what i do or do not feel. Please take your bitterness elsewhere.

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I've noticed one of the ow's favorite delusions is that the wife knows and kind of is ok with it. It sort of relieves their guilt to think that.

 

She has know idea. She loves, trusts and believes her husbands lies. She's been with him 20 plus years and has no reason not to believe him when he is working late or away on business or in a meeting and couldn't pick up the phone. No honey she does not know but you could tell her instead of trying to relieve your guilt with a letter pretending you care. Send it to her. Copy him on it.:)

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If he truly loved you he would not put you through the pain of being the ow. In his mind he is not hurting his wife because she has no idea. He knows the pain he causes you and doesn't care. He pretends he hurts to when in reality he compartmentalizes and doesn't think about your life when he is with her except for som guilt pangs.

 

Test his love. Tell her.

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I am wondering why you wrote this out in the first place ? I do nto understand this at all . If you felt bad about what you were doing . Sleeping with a married man that will never leave his wife and loves her so much. Why are you putting your life through this ? I hope that maybe somewhere in your mind your thinking about leaving him so that he does not have to decieve another person. You do not seem remorsfull at all. To me you are enjoying that you have the so called power over this man... and that you can demand that he does things. Your sick/. get help

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I can tell you are sincere when you write this, but really it is just sentimental stuff that doesn't truly reflect reality other than that your own hurt is very real.

 

He's responsible for hurting both of you it seems. What has happened in the year since his W found out? Has he promised her he has ended it with you but continues to see you? [This is one of the worst sorts of MM I think; one who pretends an A is all over but continues to deceive his W leaving the OW frantic with worry as she wonders whether the W knows or not.]

 

Is his W one of the rare ones who is prepared to tolerate that he still sees you?

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I can tell you are sincere when you write this, but really it is just sentimental stuff that doesn't truly reflect reality other than that your own hurt is very real.

 

He's responsible for hurting both of you it seems. What has happened in the year since his W found out? Has he promised her he has ended it with you but continues to see you? [This is one of the worst sorts of MM I think; one who pretends an A is all over but continues to deceive his W leaving the OW frantic with worry as she wonders whether the W knows or not.]

 

Is his W one of the rare ones who is prepared to tolerate that he still sees you?

 

I do not believe that he is the one at fault... I think that both of them are. This is what I find disturbing when someone is in a marrage why even bother setting yourself up for the hurt? Why put yourself in the situation? It never sounds or is positive..

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I've noticed one of the ow's favorite delusions is that the wife knows and kind of is ok with it. It sort of relieves their guilt to think that.

 

Its not always a delusion. In my case she knew. I know she knew.

 

But I would agree with Mr. Lucky. OP it sounds like you are hurt but no BW would appreciate a letter like that.(well good news, fing my H was a great learning experience for you - happy to help).

 

Own what you did. You participated in a situation where the MP missed important family occasions. Some people take the view that its not their fault, hes a big boy. You obviously feel differently and are taking responsibility for your part, but you need to put this in perspective.

 

You dont love her. You participated in what is possibly one of the greatest betrayals she will ever experience in her life. That is not love. You may appreciate what the experience did for you in terms of learning about yourself, but its not love for her.

 

Own it. Own what you did. Dont try to make it into some spiritual lesson where you and the W are sisters - sisters who really love each other dont f each other's husbands in 99.9% of cases.

 

Someone else posted something a few months ago about how we are all sisters and we shouldnt engage in this stuff - same tosh from the other side of the fence.

 

You made a mistake, you got hurt and now you are empathizing with the W. That is good and hopefully it will help you heal and come to terms with it.

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Its not always a delusion. In my case she knew. I know she knew.

 

But I would agree with Mr. Lucky. OP it sounds like you are hurt but no BW would appreciate a letter like that.(well good news, fing my H was a great learning experience for you - happy to help).

 

Own what you did. You participated in a situation where the MP missed important family occasions. Some people take the view that its not their fault, hes a big boy. You obviously feel differently and are taking responsibility for your part, but you need to put this in perspective.

 

You dont love her. You participated in what is possibly one of the greatest betrayals she will ever experience in her life. That is not love. You may appreciate what the experience did for you in terms of learning about yourself, but its not love for her.

 

Own it. Own what you did. Dont try to make it into some spiritual lesson where you and the W are sisters - sisters who really love each other dont f each other's husbands in 99.9% of cases.

 

Someone else posted something a few months ago about how we are all sisters and we shouldnt engage in this stuff - same tosh from the other side of the fence.

 

You made a mistake, you got hurt and now you are empathizing with the W. That is good and hopefully it will help you heal and come to terms with it.

 

 

Great post. If the ow in my situation were to be considered "my sister" I would want to be an only child. :sick:

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Hi fallen angel! I like your letter. I am sorry that you are being slammed for it. It takes a lot of brutal introspection to be able to accept the truth that you are envious, jealous, incomplete and defeated...

 

I applaud you for having the courage to share that letter here, as you can see there is NOTHING you can say that would convince some people you are sincere. But you are the only one who knows your heart and for your own sake I hope you mean it. However, per the reactions here by the BSs (well, mostly) you now know that it IS USELESS to reach out to your MM's BW or to allow yourself to be able for her own "closure"( should she feel the need to hear your version of affair or what not). When you end the affair....move on and never look back.

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ExOW here. No bitterness. I fell in love, I went into an EMA, I let my heart get broken, I ended the EMA, I healed, I fell in love with a SG.

 

Melanie Wilkes is only a character in a novel - and she NEVER would have f*cked Rhett.

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you can see there is NOTHING you can say that would convince some people you are sincere.

 

She wrote an "open" letter, people are entitled to have their opinions.. If she is looking for validation, she isn't going to get it from many on here. She will, however, get support when she ends her affair, needs the help to get over MM and stay in NC mode.

 

To the OP, I hope you didn't send that letter to the MM's wife, and that it was just for theraputic reasons to help you get to the point of ending your affair.

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Its not always a delusion. In my case she knew. I know she knew.

 

But I would agree with Mr. Lucky. OP it sounds like you are hurt but no BW would appreciate a letter like that.(well good news, fing my H was a great learning experience for you - happy to help).

 

Own what you did. You participated in a situation where the MP missed important family occasions. Some people take the view that its not their fault, hes a big boy. You obviously feel differently and are taking responsibility for your part, but you need to put this in perspective.

 

You dont love her. You participated in what is possibly one of the greatest betrayals she will ever experience in her life. That is not love. You may appreciate what the experience did for you in terms of learning about yourself, but its not love for her.

 

Own it. Own what you did. Dont try to make it into some spiritual lesson where you and the W are sisters - sisters who really love each other dont f each other's husbands in 99.9% of cases.

 

Someone else posted something a few months ago about how we are all sisters and we shouldnt engage in this stuff - same tosh from the other side of the fence.

 

You made a mistake, you got hurt and now you are empathizing with the W. That is good and hopefully it will help you heal and come to terms with it.

 

Excellent post jj!! EXCELLENT.

 

I would also like to add that while your xH may have told her, her HUSBAND may have convinced her it was either OVER with you or begged her to not divorce him.

 

She doesn't KNOW that you are right now boinking her husband.

 

I am sorry, but I found your letter to be very presumptious and condescending.

 

And I have to agree with Bent - - I wouldn't want to be sisters with someone who was screwing my husband; I would want to be an only child.

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You made a mistake, you got hurt and now you are empathizing with the W.

This is all good as long as she really IS going to end the affair with the MM. She hasn't broken it off .. Yet..

It's meaningless if she continues the A.

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Hi fallen angel! ...there is NOTHING you can say that would convince some people you are sincere. ...However, per the reactions here by the BSs (well, mostly) you now know that it IS USELESS to reach out to your MM's BW or to allow yourself to be able for her own "closure" ...

 

I started my post by acknowledging her sincerity.

 

I agree with you that it would be completely useless for an OW to approach a BW with this sort of letter, especially if it was ostensibly for the BW's closure (not sure that this was what the OP had in mind anyway).

 

At best it might come off as patronizing to the BW indicating something like "we are both such poor weak things to be just so in love with this wonderful man". At worst it is really twisting the knife in the back of the BW, notwithstanding some of its self-deprecating contents.

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She wrote an "open" letter, people are entitled to have their opinions.. If she is looking for validation, she isn't going to get it from many on here. She will, however, get support when she ends her affair, needs the help to get over MM and stay in NC mode.

 

To the OP, I hope you didn't send that letter to the MM's wife, and that it was just for theraputic reasons to help you get to the point of ending your affair.

 

Whatever she is looking for she deserves to be heard with an open mind-benefit of the doubt, that is. At any rate, so what if she is looking for validation? Many have. This IS the OW forum...and we all know that some posters here are still active OWs-not all will advise her to go cold turkey on the affair. However, I suspect no one would come forward, precisely because in the OW SUPPORT FORUM people who believe to be helped one has to end the relationship, have overtaken the boards.

 

See many are not in that point in their affairs yet ( ending it), they are just still navigating through the emotions, the mess, etc., but saying you won't be helped unless you want to end the affair and go NC is ridiculous in an OW Support Forum.

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I'm glad you wrote out that letter, Fallen Angel. It sounds like you are trying to grow some good out of this awful situation.

 

There are a couple things you wrote in there, however, that may not actually be the way you see it...

 

I promise i will try to grow strong enough to give you back the part of him i have been taking.

 

Uh, it's not within your power to give her back anything. That's up to HIM. Even after you walk away from this mess, he may just take up with another OW.

 

We have both been in a prision, trapped, feeling as though if we both hold on, we will leave with the prize. But the truth is, we are here because we have both been weak, but more so, because he is weak.

 

Wow, how do you know that? You're assuming an AWFUL LOT here. And you said yourself at the beginning of the letter that you don't know her, right? So why would you assume that she's "weak" and "trapped"?

 

I think if he gave you the chance, you would love and accept him for all that he is, even that flawed scared little boy he feels he can only be with me. I think if he gave you the chance, that he would see that he had everything he needed all along.

 

Um, I wouldn't count on it. They've been married forever - long enough to become grandparents anyway. That's an awful lot of living and being together. She knows him one hell of a lot better than you do!! You really have no idea of the dynamics of their marriage, or the arrangement they now have. Again, this is not your call.

 

....

 

Look, I know you're in Empathize mode here. And I know you're sorting it all out in your own way... and trying to move toward doing the right thing. I hope you'll do it. But I also hope you realize you could be reading this whole thing wrong, and you could be way, way off in your assumptions about his W, their M, and even him for that matter.

 

Speaking of him (ahem) - I know you think he's great and everything, but he's not much of a prize. :o I hope you come to realize that too, eventually.

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Whatever she is looking for she deserves to be heard with an open mind-benefit of the doubt, that is. At any rate, so what if she is looking for validation? Many have. This IS the OW forum...and we all know that some posters here are still active OWs-not all will advise her to go cold turkey on the affair. However, I suspect no one would come forward, precisely because in the OW SUPPORT FORUM people who believe to be helped one has to end the relationship, have overtaken the boards.

 

Sorry but that whole letter is a crock...

 

It's one thing to see your situation and accept it for what it is and quite another to completely ignore the obvious.

 

He's not leaving his W and for whatever reason, she's fine with him having you on the side. She gets what she needs and so does he.

 

So where does that leave you?

 

GEL

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Sorry but that whole letter is a crock...

 

It's one thing to see your situation and accept it for what it is and quite another to completely ignore the obvious.

 

He's not leaving his W and for whatever reason, she's fine with him having you on the side. She gets what she needs and so does he.

 

So where does that leave you?

 

GEL

 

Are you asking ME? or is that a general question to all OWs waiting for their MMs to leave the wife? If you are asking me, rest assured, I broke up with the xOM when he divorced his wife and asked me to marry him...he still calls and the offer is still available.

 

I am not sure what you mean by OP "ignoring the obvious". She has conceded "defeat", she knows MM will not leave the wife...and she said that she will be gone soon (presumably from her MM's life, and in effect, from his marriage)....

 

Im curious, why is the "whole letter a crock"?...see, it is easy to throw words in when you do not have to explain or be responsible for it, care to explain?

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She has known for well over a year. My xH called her and told her.

 

and my guess is he begged her forgiveness and minimized it and she has no idea you would actually continue sneaking around after a dday when he chose his wife. When she found out was his chance to leave and tell her he is in love with you. He chose not to.

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