Thank You everyone

[jj33]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support over the past year or so. Its so difficult coming out of an A and coming to terms with everything. I posted and posted and posted.

 

Reading everyone else's stories and seeing how similar many of them are helped me to maintain my resolve and not get back into the A. I was very tempted at times. It also helped me put MMs conduct in perspective. He is not a bad man, he is just unhappy and grasping for bits of happiness whereever he can trying to fit them into the structure of the life he has created for himself.

 

The only pearl of wisdom I have to offer is that the quicker you can accept that you are not happy with the status quo and stop "wishing it different" the faster you will be able to detach. That one took me a long time.

 

And with no disrespect, noone can help cajole or "make" anyone leave a marriage. Many of the stories posted on here involve people who say, he said he would leave, or he doesnt realize what he needs to do, i need to help him out, what can I do to make him take action, I know he wants to.

 

No you dont. Its not your marriage, and if he WANTS to leave, he will leave when HE is good and ready on HIS time frame. You have to back away. Its not your job nor is it a good idea to "help" someone see that they need to divorce.

 

If someone tells you he is going to do something and he doesnt, you walk away. If you force the issue, begging pleading crying insisting, they may leave but as many stories have shown, they may also go back, or they may waffle for the rest of their natural lives.

 

Thanks again everyone.

[fooled once]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their support over the past year or so. Its so difficult coming out of an A and coming to terms with everything. I posted and posted and posted.

 

Reading everyone else's stories and seeing how similar many of them are helped me to maintain my resolve and not get back into the A. I was very tempted at times. It also helped me put MMs conduct in perspective. He is not a bad man, he is just unhappy and grasping for bits of happiness whereever he can trying to fit them into the structure of the life he has created for himself.

 

The only pearl of wisdom I have to offer is that the quicker you can accept that you are not happy with the status quo and stop "wishing it different" the faster you will be able to detach. That one took me a long time.

 

And with no disrespect, noone can help cajole or "make" anyone leave a marriage. Many of the stories posted on here involve people who say, he said he would leave, or he doesnt realize what he needs to do, i need to help him out, what can I do to make him take action, I know he wants to.

 

No you dont. Its not your marriage, and if he WANTS to leave, he will leave when HE is good and ready on HIS time frame. You have to back away. Its not your job nor is it a good idea to "help" someone see that they need to divorce.

 

If someone tells you he is going to do something and he doesnt, you walk away . If you force the issue, begging pleading crying insisting, they may leave but as many stories have shown, they may also go back, or they may waffle for the rest of their natural lives.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

Excellent post and excellent advice.

 

I am glad you are doing 'okay' and that you are healing.

 

You are a tremendous asset to LS and I am thankful that you are here and that you really seem to have such a level head on you. You are someone who I look forward to reading the posts you make. While I don't always agree I think your advice is valuable and knowledgeable!

[MizzBlue72]

Thank you for your post. I agree. I am going through something similar, and you are right. No one can tell someone what to do. They have to come to the conclusion / decisions on their own and make sure it is something that they can live with. I have read your stories. Glad you are doing better.

[jj33]

Thanks Fooled and MizzB. Its been a terrible time and I am left a physical wreck, and much poorer for it. But you win some you lose some eh? But i am doing better because I have put it behind me.

[Devil Inside]

JJ33, glad to see you feeling better...even after the latest "twitter" situation.

 

I think that you have a lot to offer everybody here on these boards...especially OWs and MMS still in As...knowing deep down that what you are saying is the truth.

 

Keep it up.

[In_Repair]

If someone tells you he is going to do something and he doesnt, you walk away. If you force the issue, begging pleading crying insisting, they may leave but as many stories have shown, they may also go back, or they may waffle for the rest of their natural lives.

 

That is my favorite part. I learned that lesson when I was playing the role of BS. My wife half-heartedly tried to rebuild the marriage after her EA. One day I woke up and realized that I was the one making all the effort, the one begging and pleading, the one trying to make up for past wrongs... then it dawned on me: It was her place to make things right, and I was setting myself up for a lifetime of misery if I had convinced her to work it out.

 

My MW makes no promises about leaving her husband, and I expect none. Don't even want any actually, unless she is ready to act on them at that time. The day she does, and then does not follow through... her ass is going down the road also.

[jj33]

Thanks. I think I was fortunate in that I never had any long sad stories or any broken promises. The thing is I would never have fallen for that.

 

Seems to me if someone is unhappy enough to trash their spouse, they should leave. And it just sounds stupid. Why would you trash your spouse. Obviously things arent perfect or youd wouldnt be stealing time from them to be with me; that is a given.

 

But the idea of wrenching someone out of their marriage, even if its only with little hints and suggstions and offeres of help is really bad form. Besides then for the rest of my life I would hear "but I left my family for you"... No one leaves for anyone else, they leave for themselves. Which is why I find it odd that people expect the MP to "leave for them" and people wax on about "moving mountains" noone is moving mountains for anyone but themselves when they leave a marriage. Or thats how it seems to me. The OP may be the catalyst but its not "for" them.

[Susmay]

good advice jj33

 

The converse is true too. The BW cannot "make" a WH stay in a marriage that he is determined to leave. The fact that so many marriages fail is testament to that.

 

Most MM in affairs are cake-eaters who want nothing better than to maintain the status quo of W at home for all the "wifely" things and the OW for all the "sexy" things. They will often deny the wife intimacy and affection which always has a direct and negative effect on the quality and quantity of sex in the marriage. He is then free to (almost) honestly tell the OW that the marriage is virtually sexless.

 

Because he lavishes so much affection and attention on the OW it is hard for the OW to realise that this same man is not doing the same with his W, not that the OW would really want the MM to be doing this anyway. In effect he is often the architect of his own sexless marriage.

 

This does not apply to all of course, but MM who are doing this are just so manipulative of both women.

[jj33]

Good point Susmay. It seems to me that when an OP thinks that the MM "should leave" they are creating a competition and really it seems to me arent acting out of love for the MP, they are projecting their fantasy onto the MP.

 

Of course you want to be with them, of course you wish they were single but to insist that they break their world in two so that you can do that? If they arent so unhappy that they take the initiative to make the decision on their own? When MM used to talk about leaving it used to make me so sad because I knew how much he loved his family unit and his life in general but for the relationship with his wife.

 

I think many people who cheat fall into this category they may not be happily married in terms of their relationship with their spouse, but there are other things that make them stay, and Im not talking about the people who want to leave (as in GEL or OWoman's case).

 

I cant imagine wanting someone you love more than anyone else in the world to lose so much of what is important in their life if that is not a decision that they independently make for themselves.

 

How is that love? I think that is selfish.

[fooled once]

Thanks. I think I was fortunate in that I never had any long sad stories or any broken promises. The thing is I would never have fallen for that.

 

Seems to me if someone is unhappy enough to trash their spouse, they should leave. And it just sounds stupid. Why would you trash your spouse. Obviously things arent perfect or youd wouldnt be stealing time from them to be with me; that is a given.

 

But the idea of wrenching someone out of their marriage, even if its only with little hints and suggstions and offeres of help is really bad form. Besides then for the rest of my life I would hear "but I left my family for you"... No one leaves for anyone else, they leave for themselves. Which is why I find it odd that people expect the MP to "leave for them" and people wax on about "moving mountains" noone is moving mountains for anyone but themselves when they leave a marriage. Or thats how it seems to me. The OP may be the catalyst but its not "for" them.

 

Excellent! Really. I wish more women could / would read this before even thinking of starting an affair!

[jj33]

Thats why I never expected him to leave. That was my perspective going into it. I was comfortable with the fact that his W was not being "betrayed" but that is a highly unusual variable in an A.

 

What I hadnt counted on was the damage it would do to me. I couldnt let myself want him to leave while we were together because of all the things I said above.

 

Its wasnt until after it ended that I realized that was the only thing that would have made it work. He realized it long before I did. He is many things good and bad, but he is not totally clueless.

 

Recently Ive started to think that its a good thing he didnt leave. We have a compatibility that still exists on a certain level and one that I have never had with anyone else. Much as I have posted in anger and frustration, we still have a strong connection on a certain level. Its just different now. Its belongs to something that happened in the past. We shared a moment so to speak. But I think he would have missed so much of his life (not W, life) that we couldnt duplicate, that he would have had regrets.

 

And I would never want that for him. I know he has regrets now about losing his relationship with me, that is a different sort of regret.

[Devil Inside]

Thats why I never expected him to leave. That was my perspective going into it. I was comfortable with the fact that his W was not being "betrayed" but that is a highly unusual variable in an A.

 

What I hadnt counted on was the damage it would do to me. I couldnt let myself want him to leave while we were together because of all the things I said above.

 

Its wasnt until after it ended that I realized that was the only thing that would have made it work. He realized it long before I did. He is many things good and bad, but he is not totally clueless.

 

Recently Ive started to think that its a good thing he didnt leave. We have a compatibility that still exists on a certain level and one that I have never had with anyone else. Much as I have posted in anger and frustration, we still have a strong connection on a certain level. Its just different now. Its belongs to something that happened in the past. We shared a moment so to speak. But I think he would have missed so much of his life (not W, life) that we couldnt duplicate, that he would have had regrets.

 

And I would never want that for him. I know he has regrets now about losing his relationship with me, that is a different sort of regret.

 

JJ33...you would also maybe have regrets.

 

With all the differences he may become a different man. He may blame you for the changes in his life. He may start to feel that it wasn't worth it.

 

You might also realize the same thing. So as much as this may have not worked for him...it may not have worked for you.

 

Never forget to consider yourself in any of these equations...you deserved nothing but the best he could give you...and if he left...he wouldn't have been able to give you that.

[jj33]

Thanks Devil. That is very kind and you are right. I think he would have had regrets. And if he was not happy he would not have been the man I knew. So I suppose its for the best. Its difficult for me to ever picture him leaving, but if he did, it would be because his relationship or lack thereof with his wife became intolerable. But if hes tolerated all these years, I dont see that changing.