Jump to content

Letting the Mistress go


Recommended Posts

Hello Im writing this as a cheating married man whom is in a difficult situation and would like your feedback. I know that I wont like some of the answers but I think others insight good or bad will help.

 

History:

 

For the last five years I have had a mistress, she knew from the very beginning that I was married and I was always honest with her and tried to be with myself.

 

We have had many goodtimes and bad and I have always told her that I couldnt leave my children and even through the course of our relationship reminded her(she a wonderful women) she deserved more.

 

Problem is now she wants to see another man and has been very honest about the whole situation.

 

I went throught the typical phases of emotion and anger. Ever since my love was deep for her(3 months in) I told her she should move on from our relationship.

 

Now discussing this with her I suggested we end it this way she can focus on a future and get what she deserves.

 

BUT she will not hear of it and says that she wants us together.

 

I think it is very unfair of me to decided for her whats best for her but I love her and always will. (we cant always choose our loves), but i truly believe that it would be the best thing for her. But I also am willing to stay and endure the pain I deserve since I put her through it for many years, this comes with a big catch I am not sure she I want her to choose me as much as I love her I dont think I can give her a real life which she needs.

 

 

I need some advise, but dont need to be reminded that this should havent started in the first place.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to LS!

 

First let me warn you that you will be reminded that you should have not cheated on your wife. I know, it's water under the bridge and now you are dealing with something else, but, some people will hammer that down your throat-expect it and/or ignore it.

 

Now to your situation. I have always advocated that if the premise and the givens in an affair change, it IS time to let go. This is not for her to decide, this is for YOU to decide. I understand she also wants to be a cake-eater like you have been but the right thing for YOU to do is to make her see that she should not be like you.

 

It will take a lot from you as you love her and want her to be with you, but precisely because you love her, you want to free her so she can pursue an honest, open , healthier relationship which YOU yourself believe she deserves.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Tami: Thank you for taking the time to READ and realise what this post was all about. Its About not what I have done wrong not what she has done wrong but a chance at me giving her the best opportunity at a healthy happy normal life.

 

I still soooooo struggle with the fact I dont think I am the one to make this decision for her.

 

If I choose to stay I will do my best to not cloud her opportunites and seek what she truly deserves.

 

A friend of mine told me as much as it hurt once she sees what a true life will be like she will ultimately make the decision herself. Part of me thinks that for her to get proper closure and move on thats what has to happen or I think she may blame herself for loosing me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

What about making this decision FOR YOU?

 

Or, making this decision for your family? Not blasting you here, but gently reminding you that others besides her are impacted by your actions/choices.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Owl: thanks for the insight. I understand your not blasting me. And my family is the reason I couldnt make the decision for myself regarding leaving primarily kids.

 

But just to clarify to those out there the wife and I physically seperated for a year(she left with the kids) and choose to get back together for the sake of the children having a family unit and I was the one to welcome them back.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes it is her decision and sooner or later she will let go or end up old and alone and still waiting on you. Can I ask you a question: Are you still in love with your wife or are you just staying for the kids?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don't understand.

 

You are in a loveless "for the kids marriage". Got it.

You have an OW you desperately love. And she loves you. Still following you.

She wants to see another man. You agree because you cannot break up your family (even though you did so for a year-ish). Getting a bit confused now.

When told to pursue the "other guy"...she refuses and wants to be with you. But you cant because you don't want to break up the family you already broke up during the previous separation. Seriously...wtf? This is where I'm lost and it leads me to my question:

 

Why did you reunite with your W after a year of separation? And why did you separate to begin with?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Fair enough. From my viewpoint, it looks like this:

 

1. Ending the affair is in YOUR best interests. It resolves that situation, it frees you to focus on your family and other aspects of your life, and it removes the 'pain' created by her desire to be with other men.

 

2. Ending the affair is in your family's best interests. It allows you to refocus on them. It could potentially set the stage for improvements with you and your wife...which are even more unlikely to happen when you're physically/emotionally investing time and energy into your affair instead of your marriage.

 

3. Ending the affair is in HER best interests, as it frees her up to be with other men as she's told you that she desires. It lets her "move on" with her life instead of sitting in a stalemate for ANOTHER five years.

 

That's my take on it at least.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

to answer a few questions

 

Yes I love/respect my wife but we havent been in love for close to 7 years, we grew apart for a variety of reason one of which had to due with infertility issues.

 

She is the BEST mother I could have dreamed for my children to have. PERIOD. and a great person. She and I choose to return together for the children's sake in our mind and since then its been lets say a marriage of conveniece for lack of a better phrase. We dont fight do whats right for the kids and live together

Link to post
Share on other sites

thebadguy I have a question for you because I feel my marriage is similar to yours, in that I stay for the kids and not because I feel our marriage will get better. Do you think you could tolerate this type of situation for the rest of your life? Also do you feel you may seek out another affair in the future?

 

I am pretty damn sure I will not have another affair for integrity reasons, but i am not sure I can live in a loveless marriage for the rest of my life. It feels like torture.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome Badguy.

 

I had an affair too...so I have some insight into how you feel.

 

I think that I will echo what others have said and ask you what YOU are feeling about her being with another man. My xOW was married when we started our affair, but then divorced later. I was always worried that she would meet a single man and not want me anymore because he had more to offer. I told her, like you, that I had no right to say she couldn't date but I told her it would hurt if she did.

 

I know it is twisted seeing as I was married...but I think if she started seeing someone else I would end the relationship. I would have felt hurt and jealous. I would have always wondered when she was going to tell me it was over.

 

Crazy thing is...if you think about it...this must be how the OW feels...we leave to go home to our marriage (whatever the state of the marriage is) and they are left to feel hurt and wondering what the future holds.

 

If it were me I would end it...for YOU.

 

Good luck brother

Link to post
Share on other sites

Do you know what she wants out of life? Marriage & kids? Did she think you were separated for her? A lot depends on what she's expecting from you & your future together. Maybe then she can decide if the other guy can give her the future she wants. You sound like whatever she does is cool w/ you, which kinda sucks for her really (if your the love of her life).

 

When I was single, I dated a man I was crazy about who couldn't commit. I met & dated my H, and asked the other guy "aren't you going to stop me from getting married?" He said no, and that was it. I got it, and made my choice.

 

Sometimes women don't hear what you're saying, even if you're blunt. I hear my xOM (or whatever he is now) say "no future" and I believe we will never leave our spouses & be together. We're on the same page w/ it, and it's fine. I told him I promised I'd let him know if & when I wanted more. Maybe she's fine w/ it? Ask her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wow. Considering that you and your W were physically separated for a year and you still didn't choose your OW, I can see why she is trying dating others as a last ditch effort to get you off the fence.

 

Problem is, you aren't on the fence. You want to stay married. Your first sentence screams that fact. You said she knew you were married from the beginning. Putting the ball firmly in her court of accepting that you are married and are not looking to change that.

 

Yes, the A should end. You want to stay married. She isn't dating because of "what she deserves", its to get you to choose her. If it was for any other reason, she wouldn't be saying that she wants the two of you together. Most people choose to date others because the relationship they are in, isn't working. Kind of like, your cheating on your W says. And yet you want to stay married. See how convoluted this becomes?

 

She assumed your cheating on your W, meant that you were looking to leave no matter what you said about not being able to leave your kids. Now, she is claiming to want to date (seriously,I assume) some other guy and telling you was supposed to knock you off the fence and into her arms. But you don't think like she is and aren't willing to change your initial offer: a relationship with a MARRIED man.

 

If she wants the two of you together, but you only see it as an affair while your children grow up, the A should end.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Respectfully, end it with your OW, let her go..It's not fair to either of you..She needs to get on with her life, get over you so she can build a life with someone who isn't married, with someone who is going to meet all her needs, be there for her 24/7. You cannot provide that for her seeing as you're married and have your own family.

 

As for your wife, since you two are back together, as you say, for the kids sake - Atleast TRY to connect with your wife and make the marriage work. Obviously you loved your wife deeply at one time and each of you let 'stuff' get in the way.. Get that back. Fix it. Do counselling..

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thank you all and hope to hear more I am very much hoping to hear from a women in this situation who is a mistress.

 

To answer Heather: I am not OK with whatever she does but cant see how I can dictate what she can do. And as the other person pointed out why should i deny her just because I will be feeling as she did everytime im not with her and have doubts?

 

My concern in that when its ends cause they always do that she comes out of it healthy. My mess is bad and I want one positive think to result from my actions.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It isn't your responsibility to make sure she comes out of this OK. That's up to her. Sure, you can make it easier by respecting her, listening to her, helping her get closure, but at the end of the day, SHE (OW) has to take responsibility for HER part in choosing to have an affair. Own up to the "why's and how's".. To allow herself to fall for a MM, a MM who doesn't want to break up his family.

 

Work on you - Fix you and become the best father and husband you can be.. That is how something positive can become of this mess..

 

Let the OW go live her life. She has an opportunity with someone else, you can't hold her back..That would be just plain selfishness on your behalf.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

and to answer the question of how or do I think I can live this existance of a marriage without her I see it as I have no choice and an obligation to my family to stay and stay strong unless the household becomes toxic for the kids.

I will say however I dont think I could put another women through this and I am sorry I have.

 

My OW has given me so much of herself and I believe she has helped me see alot and taught me many things, but can i stand my marriage alone and empty, for the good of the kids I hope so, but it scares the heck out of me to do it with out her.

Link to post
Share on other sites

GO TO MARRIAGE COUNSELLING with your wife and rebuild your marriage so you'll be happier. To stay and be miserable, put up with your wife, enough to barely manage, all just to keep your family together isn't a good idea.. Be active and change your ways. Understand WHY YOU allowed yourself to rely on another woman to make you feel happy in your marriage, to feel happy with yourself. Something is broken inside of you.. Fix that, deal with it and make your marriage a happy one. Or, just divorce your now so each of you can find love and happiness with someone else. Why stay married, be miserable, and suffer?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well...I'm a MOW, not a single mistress. In my case I'm fine w/ it & OM is not OK, out of guilt. I don't want to re-marry, have step kids, re-arrange in-laws & all that, so maybe I'm more on your side of the fence w/ things. I don't have a bad life, I just happen to love two men & am in the same boat you are really.

 

Ask her what she REALLY wants. If she wants a family, let her go.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your OW has finally decided that she wants an open relationship with someone. But she also wants to keep you? Since you both have beome comfortable with having both life partners and affair partners..this makes perfect sense.

 

Unless I misunderstood.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

2sure It does seem to make alot of sense and imagine this I am not sure I can handle the thought of it. Even though the new potential guy is long distance. Yes something I asked her to do everytime I walked out the door. BUT I do think I owe it to her to try and handle it. Many in my real life circle just said to let it run its course.

Link to post
Share on other sites
to answer a few questions

 

Yes I love/respect my wife but we havent been in love for close to 7 years, we grew apart for a variety of reason one of which had to due with infertility issues.

 

She is the BEST mother I could have dreamed for my children to have. PERIOD. and a great person. She and I choose to return together for the children's sake in our mind and since then its been lets say a marriage of conveniece for lack of a better phrase. We dont fight do whats right for the kids and live together

 

I hate to get personal but I need to ask you this to give an opinion -

 

1. do you and your wife still have sex?

2. Is your wife just staying in the marriage for the kids sake also?

3. When the kids leave home (college or work) do you plan to stay

married to your present wife?

4.How old are your children?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I hate to get personal but I need to ask you this to give an opinion -

 

1. do you and your wife still have sex? NO SEX

2. Is your wife just staying in the marriage for the kids sake also? YES but i also believe she has hope.

3. When the kids leave home (college or work) do you plan to stay

married to your present wife? probably not

4.How old are your children?

 

1. Me and the wife havent had sexual contact in years

2. I think she is but i also think she has hope

3. I dont think we will stay together

4. they r 6 & 8

Link to post
Share on other sites

badguy -

 

I'm not going to begin to tell you how to address the problems in your marriage or the whole infidelity thing...because Ive got plenty of issues of my own. BUT I do get what your asking. Or what your venting about. I have plenty of experience with underground realtionships.

 

Here is what is going to happen.

 

Your OW may be, in a none to subtle way, giving you an ultimatum. She is saying she wants to continue seeing you, even with the other guy. BUT waht she is really doing is showing you...there is real potential you could lose me. The other guy, the long distance guy...he may not even exist.

 

But if he does, either with him or with someone else...once she is getting what she needs and then some from an open relationship...she will drop you. She has the cards here. Fortunately for you, you dont have any decisions to make...and considering that you clearly cannot...thats a good thing , right?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I've reconsidered my suggestions.

 

Here's my new advice.

 

Tell your wife that your marriage is now an "open marriage". That way there's no deception or lying going on...tell her you're "with" someone else to have "those needs" taken care of. Tell your wife that you expect her to do the same as well.

 

Tell your OW that you have an "open relationship". Tell her that you're ok with her getting her needs met by someone else.

 

Remove any expectations of committment from all of your relationships.

 

Tell your kids that this is the way to live...set the example for them to live by.

 

No worries at this point...now no one will be hurt or unhappy.

 

What could possibly be wrong with this solution?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...