Hey all. I'm new to this site; I've been reading your posts and it's already helping me think through things a little bit. Thank you!
"My" guy is currently in a 2-yr long relationship and living with his GF. Last May, he and I drunkenly kissed. Then I went away for 3 months (we didn't contact each other the whole time). I saw him in a group of friends when I got back, and the next weekend he gave me a ride home from a bar. We ended up hooking up. He said I had "no idea" how much he's thought about me all summer, that he's actually liked me for over a year, can remember all the details of the first time we met, etc.
Since last weekend, he's been contacting me and has come over twice. We get along really well, but because I knew he was going home to his GF, I told him that he had to choose-- not between me and her, but between keeping his girlfriend or being single and getting to know me better. He told me he cares about me more than her. Yesterday he called me to say he's going to tell her he wants to go on a "break" and go live with a friend for a couple weeks. I told him that he and I should probably cool it while he thinks about everything, but he said he didn't want to do that.
I'm so scared about the prospect of this whole "break" thing. He still wants to see me and see where this is going, but it's like he's keeping the security of her around in case he ends up not caring about me enough! So I'll be investing in him and caring about him more and more, but he'll still be sitting in the position of deciding between us. I don't want it to be a decision of me vs. her, I want him to get his life in order and figure out his feelings with his gf, and then maybe see about dating him. Otherwise it's just not fair to me!
So do any of you all have experience with the whole "break" thing? Why would he decide he just wants to go on a break? That feels so weak to me. If he's not sure he wants it to be over with her, then I shouldn't mess with this, right? It puts so much pressure on me to be *wonderful* and make him fall for me during this whole break. Plus I'm afraid that he's just doing this so I'll sleep with him, and once I do he'll go back to her.
But I'm scared if I tell him I don't want to see him while they're just on a "break", he'll think about her all the time and end up going back. I guess if he does that, then they're supposed to stay together, right? And to top it all off, he's asking that I don't date anyone else during all of this! I find that so selfish.
I've never been in a situation like this, so you all's advice would be so much appreciated. Should I run from this guy, or should I stay put and give it a chance? If we do end up together, will it just be an awful, trust-less relationship?
Thank you all! Please, be honest-- even if it's brutal! I need to hear it.
PS - You deserve to be with with someone who will give to YOU fully .. the guy is a cake eater - and deep down you know it. Think ahead - he does his "trial separation", you sleep with him some more (and get further entangled emotionally) and then he goes back to her - how are you going to feel then??
He needs to figure out his own crap before starting to date you. Don't allow him to use you, it will only bring you heartache. If he doesn't know if he's still in love with his GF, he needs to take the time away from her AND you to think.
If this guy moves from his GF directly to you, he'll bring all of his emotional garbage along and you'll be taken for a ride that is not at all wonderful.
Until he decides what he wants, my suggestion is for you to continue dating and having fun, there's no commitment between you two for him to ask you to not date is insane.... go out and have fun, who knows, you may actually meet a wonderful man who's single and can commit to you fully. If nothing else, you'll have a fun time until this guy can make a decision, which at times is a very long process.
Go have fun and don't worry about him! it will all turn out for the best for you.
Why would he decide he just wants to go on a break?
Because he wants to have sex with you, and this is the only way he can figure to do it since you aren't dumb enough to start banging him right now. He thinks you'll fall for the "break" thing, which is nowhere near a "break up".
And then he'll go back to his girlfriend (not that he ever really left), and hopes you'll be so hooked on him after 2 weeks of sex with him that you'll believe his new lies about how he's "working on leaving" his gf even though he's still living with her. But he'll never leave, certainly not as long as you continue to see him.
This guy is a loser. You can do better than someone who is setting you up to string you along while he cheats on his gf. Even if he breaks up with her in the future and moves out, he'll still be a loser to even consider this, and to even pose this proposition to you, and for being so willing to cheat on his gf.
You can do better. Drop this fish back into the sea.
"The future is not some place we are going to, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made, and the activity of making them, changes both the maker and the destination."
Thanks you guys. I really appreciate it. I feel like I know what I need to do... and that is to not be near him. Maybe, if he breaks up with her, months and months down the road we could be something. But even if he does "choose" me, I don't want his baggage.
Plus, once a cheater always a cheater, right? Right.
It never ceases to amaze me how much people complain about a situation they willingly helped create. This didn't "just happen" to you.
You chose to drink beyond your limits
And kiss a guy who was in a relationship
And then sleep with him while he was still in that relationship
Suddenly telling him what he needs to do with his life before you will give him more
Isn't that what drug dealers do? Just a little taste or two before they put the screws to the user......
At what point, while you were making all these choices, did you start being unable to make more choices?
Try making just one more (a more redeemable one for a change) and drop this no-integrity-having boy.
Sounds like more trouble then it's worth. He won't get a "break" from his girlfriend. He already cheated on his girlfriend and lied to her, what makes you think he won't do the same to you if he gets into a relationship with you?
Would you like it if he met some other girl and told her he likes her more than you?
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