i told his wife

[brainyblonde]

If you have kept track of my previous threads, my MM had asked for a break of NC, and I'd discovered he was going on holiday. Well, he broke the NC after one week, said the hol was the worst thing ever, and had decided he wanted to be with me, & was going to take action.

 

I ignored his texts, they became more frequent, and he sounded as if he genuinely meant it. the holiday passed, he went back to work, and we spent almost 2 days solid on the phone about how unhappy he was being married to his W, and how he would leave. By how he spoke to me, I understood the leaving to be imminent.

 

I was drawn back in, so much.

 

then he started saying he was leaving, but not yet. he didn't know when. same old, same old, i'd heard this a million times before. by now, the pressure of this relationship was too much for me to bear. To have a man tell me daily that his life with his W is so unhappy, it's making him ill, that his children are suffering with all the arguments, that his head and heart are with me was just too much to continue in stalemate, and I felt something needed to be done. I knew (from what he'd said) that my name was mentioned in his house every night, and I decided I wanted to help MM, as he seemed to be struggling with making the break.

 

So I texted his wife, saying to her that I would answer any of her questions if she had any, and I promised I wouldn't lie to her. She replied saying she'd reported me to the police for harrassment?? I said that's OK, as everything would get out into the open then. MM was ringing every second, but I didn't pick up. Then silence for 2 hrs. Then MM phoned me up, and I could hear his wife in the background. He said he'd admitted everything, and he couldn't believe i'd do such a thing. that was the end of the conversation. his W texted asking me to not contact her ever again. And that's it!! I've had NC from either of them!

 

I am so puzzled right now for the following reasons:

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

please be kind on the replies, i need some support and a boost.

[NoIDidn't]

No advice, just hugs.

 

Sorry you are hurting.

[whichwayisup]

I am so puzzled right now for the following reasons:

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

Why would it go on indefinately? Because you weren't strong enough to walk away and stop believing his lies?

 

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

Because you were an affair to him. The OW who filled in various needs for him, needs his wife didn't meet. I'm betting their marriage isn't and wasn't half as bad as he made it seem.. If it was, he would be out the door now and they would be talking to lawyers. Chances are HE BEGGED HER to take him back, to give him a chance.. Not the other way around..

 

He was loving having two women meet his needs.

 

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

Oh, the anger will come. That is the time you need to post alot here so you don't break NC and email him.

 

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

 

Let it go. The NC is in place and he isn't going to reply to, especially since his wife more than likely is monitoring his emails. If anything, you'll get a reply from HER, not him. So focus on YOU and your healing..Forget about him, her and their marriage. The affair is OVER, you made sure of that by contacting his wife. Last thing you need to deal with is HIS anger towards you..All that will do is make you feel worse.

 

Talk to your friends, family, and people on here. Vent away.. One day when you're stronger and wiser, you'll be SO HAPPY the A ended..

 

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

No, their marriage isn't just going to carry on. She's dealing with his lies, his cheating, his betrayal.. Love and faith and trust is GONE and he has to gain it all back. He is hurting and so is she. Their marriage as they once knew it, is GONE. Nothing will be the same and her world is upside down because of his cheating ways.

 

You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors over there and honestly, it's probably best that you don't.

 

Start today and let your healing begin..Cry it out, and take care of you. Don't focus on him or their marriage, or wonder the why's..

[In_Repair]

If you were obviously just a side thing, then you need to be kicked in the ass for falling for his bull****... but that's not what it sounds like. It sounds like he made unprompted sincere promises and framed them around the idea that he would eventually be with you, and then backed out on you. He lied to you. Some will cast stones at you for falling for those lies, but it's easy for a WS to convincingly play both sides. I say screw him. If telling the wife made you feel better, then good for you.

[jj33]

Im sorry you are hurting many here have gone through what you are experiencing (even if they didnt tell the W).

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

 

You have your closure which is important to your healing. You obviously needed that. Who knows maybe you did them a favor. Now its out in the open and they can rebuild their M. In my own situation there was a sort of a code of trust, and even I eventually broke it to some extent when I couldnt bear certain behavior anymore. It didnt involve the W as she didnt care.

 

However when youve been lied to like that? Some will see it as revenge I see it as you making sure he would NEVER come back so that you can heal. Much as you are grieving, perhaps on a subconscious level. you wanted to stop the madness.

 

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

 

Because thats what some people do they play both ends against the middle. In this case HE got squashed:cool:

 

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

 

You are grieving. You lost the future he promised you. You lost the idea that he was honest and sincere.

 

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

 

Because you havent yet accepted numbers 2 and 3 above. It sounds as if he loves you. He just loves himself so so much more.

 

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

Yes their M carries on but he is probably in the dog house and in shock. You broke the implicit agreement that you would stay a secret until he was ready to break the secrecy. He is hurting in a million different ways.

 

But DONT YOU DARE take him back if he comes calling as he may in weeks or months. He may be afraid that if he does you will call the W again and stay away. Or he may be more arrogant and try again (darling you dont understand its complicated you really did a number on my W, why didnt you trust me just give it time or some garbage of that nature)

 

Hang in there. You have saved yourself months or years of heartbreak.

[ReturnToSender]

He strung you along... If his marriage was that bad he would have left, and when it came down to the wire, its her he chose not you. Pretty much everything he ever told you about his marriage, you can take with a grain of salt.

 

Now that its out in the open...of course she is upset, to find out...she may not have even seen this coming for all you know. And of course he is upset...he had no intention of leaving her and was hoping to keep you on the side for as long as he could.

 

Its a good thing there is NC in place now, from both of them. Now you can move on...he wont be able to draw you back in again, you can move on to someone who genuinely does love and want you.

[fooled once]

I am not sure what you expected by texting his wife.

 

It is OVER now.

 

To answer your questions

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Yes you were very wrong. It wasn't your place to tell her. Where was your 'concern' for her when you were sleeping with her husband? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely! Of course it would - he had no desire to really have a life with you -- you were his summin summin on the side.

 

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W? To gain your sympathy and so you would keep screwing him. He LOVES his wife. He has a history with her, a child.

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

You are grieving because the relationship is now over.

 

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.He wants nothing more to do with you. You blew apart his fantasy world. He will never forgive you; he will never 'be yours'. He chose his wife; why would you want to be 2nd fiddle? Why have you allowed yourself to be second fiddle for 3 years??

 

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!! He is hurting that he got busted. Their marriage may carry on; they may rebuild and be stronger for it. Sometimes, that is what happens. Who knows.

 

Leave him alone. He has told you it is over. He wants nothing more to do with you. Your relationship is over; I am shocked you would expect him to be happy with what you did...

[GypsyRayne]

I am so sorry you are hurting. I have been on both sides of this at the same time, I was a MOW with a MM. Do I think you were wrong to tell his W? Yes. Not so much because she didn't need to know, she probably did, but because you were the OW and you didn't consider her during the time you were with her H.

 

I know first hand how hard it is being an OW. MM tells you things, you believe him, only to find out he expects you to wait around until he is ready to make good on his promises, if he ever does. You seem at times to be the only one getting hurt by the R. He has it all and you have what he chooses to give you.

 

When I was in my A, there were many ddays on both sides. My h at the time, and MM's w at the time, would both beg us to stay in the M. They would threaten us with any and everything they could think of, for example, I will take the children and move far away, you'll never see them. They told all of our family, so of course they got involved, telling MM and I how completely wrong and horrible we were. That we should give each other up and stay in our M. My h at the time kept threatening suicide. This is something very real to me, I lost someone to suicide, ex knew this and knew the way it affected me.

 

I'm not trying to give you hope in your R with MM, but I want you to know that this does affect the M and there are many reasons why he could choose to stay. But that is just it, it is a choice, MM's choice, and for now, he has chosen her.

 

He will probably contact you at some point and the best thing that you can do is protect yourself. Think of you. Take care of you. This is a cycle that can continue if you let it.

[pollswolls]

I'm sorry you are hurting - But what really did you expect to gain by telling her? Did you expect him to run into your arms & the two of you live happily ever after? Could you live with someone that has strung you along for this amount of time & really believe he was true blue to you? Hmm?

[Spark1111]

I think, whether you realize it or not, you wanted the truth of your situation and was beginning to suspect it would not come from him.

 

I think you gave an ultimatum, choose one way or another, by telling his wife. You "outed" your relationship and found the definitive answer regarding his promises of a future with you.

 

I think you are mentally healthier and more confident than you realize.

 

Smart girl. You have your truth now. Now, find someone who will put you first in their life. Go get a real partner.

[PhoenixRise]

I think regardless of your motives....you did the right thing telling his wife.

I think it is a safe bet that if your name has come up in their home night after night, he has been doing all in his power to convince her there is nothing going on between you or that you are some bunny boiling stalker.

 

He led you on and he deserved to be busted. Now you know for sure where you stand.

 

AND

 

I wouldn't be too sure that his marriage is just trucking along like nothing has happened. I am betting that all in the marital household is not happy happy joy joy. You may never know what is happening in the M right now....unless he comes back in a few weeks with a new sob story about the M and new promises of a life together...

[silktricks]

You are grieving because you have lost what you thought you had. What he told you you had.

 

You didn't do the wrong thing, IMO.

 

You've gotten a lot of good answers from other people here, some of whom seem spot on to me.

 

You're going to be fine. Sometime in the not too distant future you're going to look at the last few years and wonder what on earth you ever saw in him!!! And then you'll know you are healed.

 

Good luck to you. Keep your chin up.

[herenow]

Yes, you did the right thing IMO. I think every BW has the right to know the truth no matter how she gets it. Why is it OK for two people in a triangle to be making choices for the third who is being lied to?

 

I never want to see people get hurt and I' sorry you have been. But, you did know that he was a liar and you did know that he was married. Why are you so surprised that he lied to you? If he can do it to the woman he is married to, it should be no surprised that he would lie to a woman who is willing to have an affair with a MM. It makes sense and I can understand why MM would unhappy with your choice.

 

He rightfully thinks you agree with his lying. If you didn't agree, why would you even have an affair with him in the first place? His wife however, as far as we know, hasn't lied to him or deceived him. He can trust her, he can't trust you. Believe it or not, he may actually love her.

 

I asked my H why he didn't go to the OW when he moved out. Besides the fact that he had no feelings for her, he said that even if I did divorce him, he would never consider a relationship with the OW because she wasn't a trustworthy person or someone he could see investing any real rime in. Cold, I know. But it's the truth. He had the chance and his actions tell the story.

[VictoryisMine]

#1. Maybe it wasn't so wrong to tell her. Because now you're not in the dark and can take it from there.

 

#2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling you how miserable his M is... etc... Because science hasn't figured out Mental Illness to a tee... yet.

 

#3. You're grieving because your mind has been programed that your dreams will come true. You are grieving the dream.

 

#4. Hoping he'll get in touch? I can guarantee he will, but it will be months. IMO.

But don't put yourself thru this again.

 

#5. Is he hurting? He's definetly in pain. He will miss the way things were. 3 years? .. yeah.

 

brainyblonde, My advice is to stop emailing them. Leave this alone, for now at least. It can only cause you to be in a worse situation.

[joliegems]

I feel you totally got strung along. Everything he told you could be lies to keep you around. He wanted your pity and affection, probably something he didn't get at home. But he did marry that other woman and have children with her, he had a home and life with her so she must have/does mean a lot to this man.

 

I am sure he is giving his wife a big story about how you are crazy and seduced him. He will win back her affection and get attention so your position in his life is probably being filled by her now and he doesn't need you. Not to sound harsh, just analyzing the situation.

 

Married men rarely leave their spouses and you deserve a man all to yourself. I would say save yourself a lot of future heartache and don't date married men, no matter how bad off they say they are. They get to play out their fantasies of the whore and the angel and usually their situations are not bad at all.

[herenow]

I am sure he is giving his wife a big story about how you are crazy and seduced him.

 

I don't think this is always true. Even here on LS, there have been many MM who took responsibility for their choices without placing blame on the OW or the BW. Mine did, and he told the truth on D-day. Ne never blamed the OW and he didn't hide the scope of the affair to minimize what happened. It was the beginning of his personal healing and the re-building of our marriage. Sometimes a MM is able to face the reality of what he has done when he realizes what he is about to lose. Don't assume that all MM just make up stories to placate their BW's.

[fooled once]

While i completely agree the wife should know what a lying piece of scum she is married to --- brainyblonde ONLY told because she thought the MM would come running to her. She thought she was helping him along in the process. She didn't tell the wife out of some morality or because she had been rejected by the MM (telling out of revenge).

 

She told because she thought she would win the man.

 

And it totally backfired.

 

So brainyblonde - IF after all his begging to his wife to forgive him and she doesn't and kicks him to the curb, and he decided 'what the hell, let me see if I can get BB to take me in', would you take him?

[ednadean]

hmmm. I wouldn't have told his W personally.

 

I think if you felt he didn't have integrity, you should have left him off your own bat -- with a clean conscience -- and not stoop to revenge levels.

 

It takes two to tango and I believe we all know what we're doing when we enter an A -- and I don't condone trying to mess up someone else's life when one has ALSO been in the wrong.

 

just my two cents. this sounds as though you wanted to "win" him -- rather than genuinely try to help him or his wife.

[MistyK]

By how he spoke to me, I understood the leaving to be imminent.

 

I was drawn back in, so much.

 

then he started saying he was leaving, but not yet. he didn't know when. same old, same old, i'd heard this a million times before.

 

Typical MM. Sucks you back in with false promises (even if he meant them at the time) and then fails to deliver.

 

I knew (from what he'd said) that my name was mentioned in his house every night, and I decided I wanted to help MM, as he seemed to be struggling with making the break.So I texted his wife, saying to her that I would answer any of her questions if she had any, and I promised I wouldn't lie to her.

 

Let's be really honest for a moment. You were hurting and wanted the pain to stop. I can totally understand that, and I thought of doing the same thing at several points in time. But, you texted his W to help yourself, not him. He is an adult, capable of making his own choices - it isn't up to you to "save" him from himself. If he chooses to flounder, I tend to think you should have let him, but whats done is done.

 

I am so puzzled right now for the following reasons:

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

 

Why would it have gone on forever? Are you saying you weren't capable of walking away? (I can sympathize with the feeling, I've had it). Probably you hoped he'd get over being mad about texting his W and break down, tell her he loved you and move out. It almost never happens that way, and you probably know that, so maybe as jj33 said, maybe you did this to piss him off so much that he wouldn't try to reel you back in.

 

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

 

Well, in fairness, he always chose her. He went home to her every night. He's just doing exactly what he's always done. He had to make himself sound miserable enough to justify the A and give you some hope for the future so you'd continue to participate. He was being a manipulative jerk.

 

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

 

Eventually, you probably will. Right now, you probably feel a bit guilty about forcing the D-day on him and that may be holding your anger back.

 

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

 

Because your hope was that he'd use the d-day as a launchpad to exit. Because you still love him and you may feel a little guilty for outing him. And it absolutley sucks to feel like HE ended it, not you.

 

 

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

I know it seems like that, but rest assured it is not. But what he's feeling doesn't matter now, you have to worry about you. They may reconcile and improve the marriage, but that's between them now. I know it hurts to think of that possibility, but at least now the A is over and you can both move on.

 

If he is like so many other MM's it would not surprise me if he contacts you after the storm settles a bit. Don't fall for it. It's amazing how MM's like this can continue to straddle the fence well after D-day and choose both for long periods of time. I never would have imagined it was possible, but it happened with my xMM for about a year.

 

You did what was right for you and at least now you know where you stand. Stop beating yourself up for what's done and try your best to move on from here.

[2sure]

It is NEVER wrong to tell the BS. Its your life and its her life and the secrets alone take away the human dignity of both.

While it is a good thing to tell...the reaction you get usually isnt what you want or expect. Its a hard thing. The reaction you get isnt the most important thing for you though. The reaction you get might be craziness brought about by a crazy situation.

 

He has lied to and manipulated you. But you knew more of the truth than his wife. Bank on it.

 

Unless they both become involved in therapy and experience a life changing event , he may eventually want back with you. Or someone else. It sounds like he is unhappy with his marriage, his wife, himself. Sincerely. BUT it doesnt sound like he feels the reality of a life with you is any better.

 

He and his wife , if he has told her some semblance of the truth are going to start to process this, to what end who knows? But during the process his wife will be raging at you and then curious about you and may want to assure herself via you, that she knows the truth.

 

Be kind if you can.

 

You miss him, you feel sorry for him. I dont know how to heal a broken heart but I can tell you this: When you reach rock bottom stop digging.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am so puzzled right now for the following reasons:

 

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W

 

no, she deserved to know the truth about her ahole H. And even though she deserved this knowledge, it seems funny that you didn't seem to think she deserved to know early on.

 

but even though it is highly lousy for you to all of a sudden have a conscious, which I don't believe for a minute is the reason you ratted him out, she still deserved to know.

 

 

or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway?

 

you are not entitled to closure when sleeping with someone elses husband.

 

but yes, you got the closure, now leave them alone and let her tear his nuts off.

 

 

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is

 

so he can get in your pants.

 

He aint gonna get there by telling you his marriage is fine, but that he just wants to get a little strange.

 

 

how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

 

because he never intended to leave. he doesn't want to lose his status quo, comfortable family life.

 

 

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

well if it makes you feel any better, their M is sh#t. If his wife decides to keep his worthless ass, instead of letting you have the cheating dicksmoke, she won't be doing it because she wants him....she'll make his life hell.

[frannie]

1. Was I so Wrong in telling the W or have I got the closure now that he was never going to leave anyway? Had I not told her, this 3yr affair could have gone on indefinitely!

 

I can understand completely why you did it, because I was in a similar situation and I did much the same thing. I needed it for myself, in order to break the lies, and to end the stalemate (as you termed it so well).

 

2. Why would a man go to such extremes of telling me how miserable his M is, how he wants to leave and make a life with me, and then after DDay choose his W?

 

From personal experience I would say he hasn't chosen anything. You've dumped a huge bag of mess on him which he now has to clear up. He will concentrate on that first and foremost.

 

3. Why can't I get angry with this man? Instead I feel as if I'm grieving.

 

I felt the same way, in fact I felt as if I'd dealt a mortal blow to him which was undeserved, and that didn't allow me to feel anger with him. It was a very messed up period for me.

 

4. Why am I hoping he'll get in touch? I've sent a couple of email asking for answers, and explaining why I instigated telling her.

 

Personally I'd back off, because even if he does reply he won't be thinking straight anyway. If you've sent a couple of emails, leave it at that.

 

5. Is he hurting? It seems as if she's just accepted what's happened, he's blocked me point blank, and their M carries on!!

 

He's probably reeling and feeling all sorts of things. He needs to deal with things close to home right now and it's easier for him to block you out.

 

I sincerely hope that this experience has given you some kind of closure on the situation. For me, it didn't, and I went on to contact him some months later, after which we started talking again. In my experience MM did not blame me for what happened, and understood that I'd reached the end of my tether after four years of being told he was 'about to leave'.

 

If you feel you are 'grieving' then that is to your benefit, and I hope you can find some peace now. I would try to concentrate on you as much as possible, although obviously these questions are ones you need to answer for your own satisfaction. Best wishes.

[donnamaybe]

#1. Maybe it wasn't so wrong to tell her. Because now you're not in the dark and can take it from there.

 

That's exactly what I thought. She needed to know the TRUTH about their R. She got it.

 

People should really stop ripping into her for telling the W. It certainly isn't going to HURT the W to actually KNOW THE TRUTH as well. It may for awhile, but certainly NOT over the long haul. At least now she knows WTH her H has been up to behind her back and can decide what she wants to do with her sham of a marriage. And now the OP knows he was lying to her the entire time and can move on.

[brainyblonde]

thanku so much for all your replies! i'm having a bad day 2day, missing him like crazy and feeling an overwhelming desire to get in touch! it annoys me that i feel like this!

 

if he came knocking, i know i would take him in...that's my heart speaking.

 

he has done incredibly well blocking me everywhere, so no doubt, he's very angry with me for inflicting the bombshell on his marriage. he never managed NC when he went on hols!

 

i just hope, in time, sometime real soon i wish, i could look back and see how crazy life was.

 

anyway 2 weeks on monday since i told the wife....

 

keep your replies coming, especially all you OW that know exactly how I feel, how all you BS felt when you had the bombshell, how u rebuilt/moved on/ended the M, and all you MM how you coped.

[alg24]

Being the OW I know how hard it is. How hard it is doesn't even describe the pain you must be feeling. I am the middle off ending my 1 1/2 yr A... Keeping NC is soo beyond difficult but you must stay strong! Keep your phone away from you, don't email him! Stay busy. Hang out with friends/family. Keep yourself around positive energy. When your alone and missing him allow yourself to think about the pain but realize how bad he hurt you, what he put you through! How unfair he was to both... You are so much better than this. Don't think of it as him keeping NC- view it now as your keeping NC. Its for the better! Stay strong! It isn't easy but when you feel the urge to try to get in contact avoid at all costs. And trust me when I tell you, right now his life is not all peaches n' cream. He is going through hell.