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Broke it off, want to throw up


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I have been on-again-off-again for nearly two years with a married man. I have not read any other posts here (yet) but needed to get this into the open. I'm sure there are many, many similiar stories out there in the naked cities, but I only know this one intimately.

 

Early on my therapist at the time told me this man was a Borderline. What I didn't know was how devistatingly brutal and wonderful the relationship would be. Suffice it to say I've need to end this for a long time; in fact I have ended it several times as has he. He is my "fetish person" (How to Break Your Addiction to a Person). He is my drug of choice (I am 21 years clean and sober) and yes, apparently I still have some unhealed narcisistic wounding that was gratified by this strange, intense relationship.

 

The sex was awesome...and after a 16-year, nearly sexless marriage, I was not easily willing to let it go.

 

Anyway, I am now in withdrawal (I've never been able to sustain it before) and it sucks. I think what is different this time, thougj, is that he moved 450 miles away and is pretty clearly seeing another, other woman (he called me "Carol" during phone sex a few weeks ago. Even I, with my damaged self-esteem and strong ability to hold onto this fantasy "relationship", had to admit defeat.

 

I know it will get better, especially if I can stay away - one day at a time.

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Sorry you are hurting, but it does seem like it is time to go through the withdrawal from the relationship. Life sucks sometimes.

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Aquarius Rising
I know it will get better, especially if I can stay away - one day at a time.

 

It will ...... you are right .......... you know this ...........believe this .......... and act on it ......... you will survive and recover and be a better person.

 

What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger ........ Hold on ........ Reach out for support ....... you will find it.

 

My best wishes to you Wonder

 

AR

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I know how wonderful awesome sex is after a sexless marriage. Here's to you finding it again in the future.

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Don't think of it as wonderful and awesome, and the best time of your life.

 

Think of it as a learning experience.

 

So it was wonderful sex; now you know what you like. The next man you are with can be taught better how to please you.

 

If you are with a single guy, then it won't just be sex that he will give you; it will be 24 hours a day of his full attention.

 

Think about that when you get sad. The full attention of a man that you can learn with...and I bet he'll be able to teach you something too.

 

Don't look backwards, you will always trip if you are moving in one direction and looking in another.

 

Remember, that this addiction is a habbit that needs to be broken; use your supports...

 

Eat, sleep, work out, hang out with friends.

 

Free yourself to grow.

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Hi Wonder,

 

I understand your pain all too well. I started NC with a MM that I have been involved with 3 yrs this July.

 

At first I was telling myself how relieved to know that it is finally over and I can move on.

 

As true as this is, now I am beginning to feel the withdrawals and the realisation of the fact that it is indeed over.

 

I have been feeling very weak, having crying spells, and even second thinking my decision.

 

When I feel myelf wanting to make contact I have to visualise myself as somehow being able to see him living his life with his wife and children. This helps me to know my choice in moving on is the best. Thinking of him telling his wife he loves her, calling her sweet names and cuddling next to her in bed.

 

If I can just hold onto those realistic thoughts. Because they are reality. I can do the best thing for me. I think of those things and then I think of actually how little he was giving to me. Oh yea, and how quickly if confronted, the MM would've thrown me under the bus.

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I am sorry you are hurting; and while the sex may have been awesome, as you are learning, no relationship will sustain just sex and not the rest of what should come with a deep, lasting relationship.

 

You will heal. You will grieve. You will be lost for a bit.

 

Little by little, you will begin to move on.... and when you finally realize that he isn't the first thought in the morning or the last thought at night, then you are truly on your journey to a better, more honest and satisfiying life.

 

Good luck!

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Sounds like a painful place to be.

 

I would caution you to really be mindful as you go through withdrawal. As an addict...you know that when the going gets tough...you use. Be wary of new men you meet, or other compulsive behaviors and really get this dude out of your system. I know how painful withdrawal from a person is...trust me.

 

Support groups may also help...there are sex and love addict anonymous groups in most cities...maybe that could be helpful early on...when you need a lot of support.

 

Also...tap into your wisdom and strength from your sobriety. What did you use then to kick your habit...because this man is just the same..your object of addiction.

 

Good luck!

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Thank you, Devil (and everyone else). Yes, I have been involved with SLAA previously when my 16 year marriage broke up (because HE was fooling around). I know I tend to get overly attached to inappropriate men and it is a painful withdrawal (much worse for me than drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or anything else). I just need to get through it one day, sometimes one hour, at a time. And I know I wil want to call him so he can tell me (the lies) I want to hear. This is how I stayed married to an emotional abuser for 16 years...the withdrawal was awful. Time to get back to therapy (only I can't afford it - can't even make ends meet now). Very grateful for my AA sponsor, though. Oh, and all of you.

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Thank you, Devil (and everyone else). Yes, I have been involved with SLAA previously when my 16 year marriage broke up (because HE was fooling around). I know I tend to get overly attached to inappropriate men and it is a painful withdrawal (much worse for me than drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, or anything else). I just need to get through it one day, sometimes one hour, at a time. And I know I wil want to call him so he can tell me (the lies) I want to hear. This is how I stayed married to an emotional abuser for 16 years...the withdrawal was awful. Time to get back to therapy (only I can't afford it - can't even make ends meet now). Very grateful for my AA sponsor, though. Oh, and all of you.

 

Hang in there Wonder.

 

I hear you on wanting to avoid withdrawal at any costs...and man has it cost me.

 

I also hear you on the one hour at a time...baby steps.

 

You know how this goes. You keep your head up...and focused. Each painful day you stay NC will be a day your self worth increases...even if you don't notice.

 

Keep posting...let us know how you're doing..and what you need...I know it has helped me through some dark times.

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Yeah, particularly funny if it didn't happen to you! But, really, as soon as it was out of his mouth he attempted to turn it into "I CARe for you". Ok, I've never heard him say anything remotely like that, especially at the moment of truth. My reply "nice attempt at a save".

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oh you poor dear.

He sounds like a love RAT.

Think of how he's moved on and hurt you and it will help you move on as well.

 

I'm sorry, I can't offer any advice re: marriage. My gut is for you to try again -- but sometimes, there's no point in flogging a dead horse.

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No more dead horses, I hope!

 

I only wanted to break down and cry HARD once today (some sniveling here and there, but not too bad). My concentration has been effected by my preoccupation (obsession) with this man so the boss had me in for a little chat today. I don't think there is an area of my life (finances, relationships, job) that wasn't hurt by my choice to continue this relationship. A psychiatrist told me 1 1/2 years ago "I cant help you if you stay in this relationship". That should have been enough of a wake-up call, but NOooo. Trying not to beat myself up. Need to start where I am.

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Feeling much better. Trying not to switch addictions (there is this nice, attractive, married chiropractor...) - but NO.

 

Now, hoping I don't hear from him and have the illusion that "I can handle it now" (famous last words of the addict).

 

Thanks everyone for your advice and support.

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but using were you were as fuel is a good thing.

 

A psychiatrist told me 1 1/2 years ago "I cant help you if you stay in this relationship".

 

Have you considered that now that you are ready to get out of the relationship, it might be a very good time to reconnect with that psychiatrist? You will need someone to help support you through this; a professional will not allow you to use them in an addictive way.

 

There are some substitute addictions that can have a long term benefit though if you use them as coping mechanisms.

 

1) list making - when you get to a point that you are really sad, distract yourself by creating a list of the areas that have been impacted, and 1 thing you could easily do to start repairing the damage.

2) list execution - when you think about him, get up and move that energy into DOING the thing that will repair the damage.

3) If you don't have the energy and focus to do something, then break it into smaller pieces, do part and send a status.

 

In the past, you were not ready to let go of this relationship; in the future you will be happy without it. Keep your eye on the future; envision your own happiness and then find small things you can do do move in that direction.

 

We are all hoping that you have a great day today; but we are here if you don't.

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I had a little slip today. I was sending my resume and cover letter to a job prospect and since my MM had been on my reference list I cc'd him (and all other references) the email with attached resume as an FYI that they might be called on to say nice things about me. Within a few hours I got a voicemail message that vacillated between pissed off and smarmy saying he was "confused" that I asked for NC and then contacted him, adding that "I guess I'm good enough to be a reference" and suggesting I should "walk the walk" if I ask for NC. He mentioned something about if I wanted to check in from time to time (don't ask for NC).

 

Anyway, yes, maybe I wanted to feel connected somehow and that was part of my deal but I really did want the reference (I don't have that many to choose from as I've burned some bridges).

 

I've decided not to send a "sorry, disregard email" and just let it be. Now, if I can just get myself to erase his VM.

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Hi Wonder! So you slipped...it happens...you are right about not responding to his voice message. Let it be. Now make sure you delete his name from your resume. You simply cannot afford having contact with your "drug of choice"-it's counter-productive....

 

Like they say, one day at a time...or one hour at a time...whichever...just keep on moving away from him....and away from relationships like this....yes, leave the married chiropractor alone-he is NOT a prospect!

 

Take care.

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erase

erase

erase

 

and take him off as a reference...

 

I understand wanting to stay connected, if only as a tiny part of your life, but he has made it clear that he is also done and you need to 'respect' that and NOT have any more contact, for whatever reason.

 

Now.. did you erase it? *hug*

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Wonder...you did good not letting the slip become more. I like that you came here and posted...it is a form of holding yourself accountable.

 

Keep your eye on the prize.

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I am glad to say I have not let my slip snowball into a reconciliation. I expect, at some point in the future, he will find a reason to contact me (telling myself that may actually be helping me stay with NC).

 

In the meantime I have much to accomplish. Unfortunately last weekend the only way I could get myself out of bed was by going on dates (three). Two were first time meetings, the third (and best) was a friend of a guy I dated lasy year (no hard feelings, I'm sure).

 

Still think about him quite a bit but nowhere near as much as usual.

 

Anyway, plugging along just not going "there".

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than just other men.

 

Go to the gym, hang out with girlfriends, read...

 

Remeber that there is much more to life than your relationship with another person. Think about your relationship with yourself.

 

Question: What are your LIFE goals that have nothing to do with relationships...

 

Something for your career?

For you soul?

 

Then find one or two things that you can do to move in a direction that will help those goals.

 

I have an exBF that got married, and has recently reached out to me. Now this guy is definitely a borderline....and the sex was ...well... mindblowing. So I've got these really intense memories floating around and I'm getting emails ...how easy it would be to slip.

 

So I make my goals for myself, goals that having an affair would de-rail. And I stay focused.

 

Sad thing is that when there is an intense physical connection, other men will NOT typically have a chance in the first few months after a couple (affair or otherwise) split.

 

Now is the time to play the field, yes. But it is an even better time to focus on some healthy addictions ...like working out at the gym, or going to the spa, or doing extra research for work.

 

That way, when I am ready for a real complete connection with a single guy I will be in shape, radiantly beautiful, and stunningly intelligent...

 

LOL. That's my plan anyhow...care to join me long distance?!

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I expect, at some point in the future, he will find a reason to contact me (telling myself that may actually be helping me stay with NC).

 

Make it near to impossible for him to contact you. Delete your email account and create another one. Let the phone go to the answering machine. Be active in NC, and most of all, if he DOES happen to track you down, IGNORE HIM. Even if it kills you inside, IGNORE. This is for your own good.

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Sad thing is that when there is an intense physical connection, other men will NOT typically have a chance in the first few months after a couple (affair or otherwise) split.

 

Would you please explain this?

 

Do you mean new men wouldn't have a chance with the woman after she had an intense physical connection or do you mean the man in the intensely physical affair wouldn't have a chance in the first few months?

 

Just trying to understand.

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:confused:

 

I mean that any person needs to take a break after a breakup. But I probably should only speak for myself

 

When a relationship is really sparking...the physical side is intense, there is an emotional tie (even if unstated) and there is a history...well the two people in that relationship KNOW each other so well that they will need some time to "cool off".

 

When I'm with a man who understands how to really turn me on, I need time to change my perspective before I start a new relationship.

 

I need to find a way to disengage my mind from the previous man before I try to connect with a new one. For me, that takes time...and if I just jump into a new relationship without giving myself that time, I'm unfair to the new guy.

 

Not because I want to be, but because the beginning of a relationship is a time of discovery; and if I've still got connection to the previous fellow, I'm less patient with the new one. Not that I compare the two (hopefully)...but that I, well, I want the new experiences to be as intense and expecting that from someone who doesn't yet know my hot buttons is really not fair at all.

 

For me, a new man would have a chance if he started slow, and was emotionally supportive and intellectually stimulating. He'd have to be patient, and capture my imagination; I typically respond well to someone who can tease a bit verbally without trying to take it to the next level. I'll begin to wonder; and once I start THINKING about the new guy, that's when the ties to the old one start to dissolve.

 

In a nutshell, I need to be slowly seduced, so that I'm actually focused on Mr. New instead of Mr. Old.

 

But I'm in my late 40's and in no rush....this approach would probably not really be right for a woman in her 20's or 30's...or a woman who's hearing the "ticking clock"...Me, I've had my kids, and my first marriage ended badly.

 

I don't really need a man in my life unless he can make it SIGNIFICANTLY better...and the relationship needs to kick on all levels to really make a difference.

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