Jump to content

Can it really work?


Recommended Posts

Hi Everyone,

 

I'm new to this site as far as writing threads, but I have been reading them for quite awhile. I have a question. Can affairs end with a happy situtation? I am in the same situation that a lot of these threads are about. Quick history, we've been seeing each other now for 2 1/2 yrs and their marriage was over way before we met. About 1 year into their marriage she came up with a 'deal', he agreed but she didn't keep her end of it. Needless to say it went downhill from there. Again, this was before we met. We meet and hit it off and here we are. It hasn't been easy as there have been many attempts to end it and we always end up back together. She knows and has known about us for about 1 yr. It's funny because he says she's not upset that he did it, she's upset that it's me. We live in a very small town. He has filed for divorce, she won't move out so he's trying to find a place. Lately all the coversations we've had have been 'we this' or 'we that', 'us this' and 'us that'. This all from his mouth, not mine. I always had the feeling that he felt like this but he's never really come out and said it until recently so it really surprised me. This last time we broke it off I told myself I wasn't going to let my feelings get involved because we all know it could change in an instant. I've held in my feelings. He calls me all the time, literally, he tells me he misses me and he wishes this was all over already so we can be together. He's losing his patience fairly quickly.

 

I guess i'm wondering if things like this can really work? Any words?

Link to post
Share on other sites
VictoryisMine

Sounds like my situation.

 

2 1/2 years waiting tho. Me personally, i think i would get bored or tired of 'waiting'.

 

Seeing him 2 1/2 years now and their marraige was over way before y'all met? Why is he still married?

 

Bah, i'd get bored with that crap.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken

No marriage that was over more than 3 years ago would still exist. That's crap. He is a cake eater. If you only listen to what he says then you don't know the whole truth. Why not ask her yourself?

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken

Do some research. Find out what the main reasons people give for not leaving the horrible marriages. If they were as horrible as they claim, why would they want the children they love to be raised in this unhealthy situations? Again, you want answers and a more balanced account of their relationship, ask her. At least you will have both sides and the truth is somewhere in the middle.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm not sure i agree. I know I stayed with my husband for 11 years. I was studpid, yes, but it was for 'the kids' It was over after 3 years of being married.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken
I'm not sure i agree. I know I stayed with my husband for 11 years. I was studpid, yes, but it was for 'the kids' It was over after 3 years of being married.

 

 

No, the children were the excuse, the justification for not walking away. We all have done it at one time or the other. But you stayed because you wanted to.

Link to post
Share on other sites
VictoryisMine

DNR, Didn't mean to sound harsh, i just get so mad hearing stuff like this.

 

Waiting and waiting and waiting for a man... for so long.

 

My heart feels for you.

 

If you have the time and energy right now to be in this situation... ride with it.

 

And who's to say, it just might happen.

 

Welcome to Love Shack.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Does it matter why they stay?

 

I was never lied to, I was loved and we had a great relationship but I always knew if we were found out, he would stay with his family. It's how he's built and I had to be reminded that is what I love about him.

 

I always say we have choices, and you certainly have one and I am not all negative as I do believe at times it works out.... but either way, it is a long painful road.

 

The emotions for all, you-him, his wife and his family are often unbearable and there is NO winner. Surviving an affair either as the OW/MM or the MP/BS is hell on earth.... and there is no guarantees either way.

 

Decide what you can accept and understand that even if you "win" the journey is an incredibly long, painful one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady

I would have to say that when the A ended, I got my new beginning and it's as happy as it gets when you remarry and blend a family.

 

My H ended his M after we had been together almost 3 years. I would have to say that his XW is much happier. According to her, she doesn't have to walk on eggshells anymore. And she has even told me that she is happy, has moved on and that her daughter loves me and enjoys spending time with her new family.

 

Initially, it's hard. Our situation was easier I think than others you read about. He didn't waffle and she didn't fight for the M. It was stressful at times, but we were committed to each other, our family and we worked hard to be successful.

 

We are also one of the couples that moved in with each other immediately. I really don't see how it would have worked otherwise, financially or emotionally. I moved 100 miles to his city (initially he stayed with me 2 weeks after separating) and secured a job. It was iffy as to the nature of my work with the budget, but I am a specialist so I got hired in 10 minutes. So no more commuting after that. My kids stayed with their dad to finish the school year out and I got them only on weekends for about 6 weeks. It was alot of change, in a short amount of time.

 

Their divorce took 6 months. We married very soon afterwards. And now we're just married people, with married people's problems. We're happy and we love each other and our family.

 

I will say this about having a R with a person who has committed infidelity and you are the OP. It is much like a reconciliation between the BS and WS. It's just a slightly different dynamic. You will have to reconcile trust issues and address the underlying problems that caused the infidelity. Some couples can't do this or won't and that is why I think that the success rate is so low. Communication is essential. And if you have a partner who is unable or refuses to communicate honestly, you have NO idea what (who?) you're dealing with.

 

At some point I think that you do ask yourself if he'd ever do that to you. And I have basically come to the realization that I have no guarantees. I know we love each other and have endured rough times in the short time we've been together (almost 5 years now) but in the end, we don't control anyone but ourselves. No one has a guarantee, no matter who they marry.

 

I am willing to live with the knowledge that he has been unfaithful in the past because right now he is faithful, and I wouldn't trade the little piece of heaven we share, for anything in the world.

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken
OK. Fair enough. Would it matter if he tried to make it work because of the kids? I know we've all heard this before.

 

 

I just re-read this. No one having an A, especially a long term A is trying to make a marriage work. You can't put energy into a marriage if you are putting it into an A. The cheater is divided in attention, emotions and loyalty. While in an A, you disrespect the spouse, the marriage, the family and you live your life surrounded by deceit, if not to the AP, certainly to the spouse. How do make anything work like that?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Have you not ever been in this situation? If you don't mind me asking, what's yours now?

 

Guess it depends on the view. We never talked of him ripping his family apart and our only goal pre DDay was to let time direct us, he never made any promises while we talked about his daughters finishing school and re-evaluating we didn't feed each other with inconsistencies or promises we didn't know could be made.

 

When DDay occurred, he simply had a decision to make. Loving someone is not enough, because in truth many MM love both woman and humans are easily capable of that. So the only logical thing is to weigh everything... the life, the family, and decide what is best for all. I am uncertain if he knows that yet, but I do remain certain he has to make that decision for himself between him and his W... and I cannot be a part of that.

 

Did he stay for the wrong reasons? Who knows, he loves his wife and his girls mean the world to him... and as I am learning the truth.. he is doing his best to own our choices and deal everyday with the pain it caused.. much like I.

 

I spent a long time trying to understand how he could love me as he does but make the choice he did.... sometimes love simply isnt enough and when they see the hurt that leaving will cause to all including themselves, it is a difficult choice to make.

 

The Affair is over... and it has to be. The only way any of us will ever know is to give ourselves the chance to commit 100% to recovery on our own and them as a couple.

 

If that fails, there is still no magic ball. Everyone in the affair is hurt and as Gel said even in the OW/MM scenerio issues have to be addressed or it too will fail.

 

You have to decide what is best for you...... and to a large extent you can hear people here but you have to find the answer in yourself, what you can live with and what you can accept can only be answered by yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

GEL,

From what i gather, she's not fighting it either. The kids are her biggest issue. Understandably. How did the moving tegether come about? Did you both speak to the kids? Was there dating prior, so they would understand or did you just drop the bomb?

 

He filed for divorce in March and like I said the biggest thing holding it up is the parenting plan, they aren't agreeing to anything.

 

I have asked myself if he would ever do the same to me. But when you really think about it there are no guarantees in relationships, no matter what. I know fully what i've gotten into and I'm willing to take the chance.

 

i just wanted to see if there were any 'happy endings' in this kind of situation.

 

DNR

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady
From what i gather, she's not fighting it either. The kids are her biggest issue. Understandably. How did the moving tegether come about? Did you both speak to the kids? Was there dating prior, so they would understand or did you just drop the bomb?

 

He filed for divorce in March and like I said the biggest thing holding it up is the parenting plan, they aren't agreeing to anything.

 

DNR

 

My children knew him. We had been dating and they knew this (although not that he was married.) His did not know about me.

 

We just moved in together and his daughter came over a month into us moving in together. She was young, though, and didn't really question anything. My H has a job that keeps him away from work if he wants and so she didn't see him very often when he and his XW were married. She sees him now more than she ever did.

 

That's how we did it. Out in the open, no pretending like he wasn't seeing anyone. I can't say that anyone cared in the community. We didn't suffer any backlash or anything. And the kids have all adjusted well. No one's had suffering grades or angry outbursts or anything like that. It's kind of like you're handed a situation and you have to deal.

 

Thankfully, his XW realized that saying bad things about him or me would do more damage to my stepdaughter than good. My stepdaughter loves me and I love her and her mother sees that and that I'm good to her daughter. As the parent of a child with a stepparent, there's not much more you can hope for.

 

The funny thing about the courts where I am from is that they do not impose morals on anyone. Each parent is granted visitation time and that's pretty much that. You can't even try to keep other people away from a child unless there's proven misconduct.

 

So good luck! Make sure he's the one for you and that you've seen a change in him. You don't want someone who is just going to turn around and do the same thing to you.

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites

As rarely end in a happy ending for both partied involved. GEL had a very unique situation in that she and her MM ended up together.

 

I think if there is any chance for it to work he would have to make his decisions from outside the triangle. While in the triangle his judgment will not be sound and he will waffle or stay on the fence as your integrity and self respect deteriorate.

 

If you really want a chance at a future with him, tell him that it is over and that he can call you once the divorce is final. If it is meant to be that will happen...until then you are prolonging the inevitable.

 

Good luck...I know how hard it is to be in a triangle.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GEL,

From what i gather, she's not fighting it either. The kids are her biggest issue. Understandably. How did the moving tegether come about? Did you both speak to the kids? Was there dating prior, so they would understand or did you just drop the bomb?

 

He filed for divorce in March and like I said the biggest thing holding it up is the parenting plan, they aren't agreeing to anything.

 

I have asked myself if he would ever do the same to me. But when you really think about it there are no guarantees in relationships, no matter what. I know fully what i've gotten into and I'm willing to take the chance.

 

i just wanted to see if there were any 'happy endings' in this kind of situation.

 

DNR

 

Let him know that you cannot sit and be part of this process. Their D is theirs to sort out and you can't start anything (an honest and real relationship) with him until he is officially divorced and enough time has gone by where he's healed and things have settled down (kids, house, finances etc)..If you rush it and get involved with him instantly after or during his D, then your relationship with him will be harder. And another thing, wait a LONG TIME before meeting his kids and getting involved in their lives. Those kids need alot of time to adjust, last thing they need is a new stepmom in their lives so quickly after a divorce.

 

Focus on you, your life and keep busy, let him sort out his situation and then when he is divorced, talk to him and see where things are at. Anything less, don't settle for.

 

But..

 

Would it matter if he tried to make it work because of the kids?

If they both decide to work together and make it work for the kids sake, then good for them. Sorry, this is probably something you'd rather not see happen.

Link to post
Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady

You know I think the most unique part of my situation is that my MM wasn't jerking me around.

 

All the other bs (and not betrayed spouse) is nothing more than smoke and mirrors. Decipher what your MM is doing to you.

 

GEL

Link to post
Share on other sites
You know I think the most unique part of my situation is that my MM wasn't jerking me around.

 

That's because you wouldn't let him, GEL! That is the one common theme I've seen in every one of the situations where the OW and the MM end up together... the OW does not wait around for the MM to do ANYTHING. She walks away from him if he is giving her crap, and gets on with her life - fully prepared to live it without him. And he realizes he can't live without HER.

 

Of course, this is not the usual outcome. The usual outcome is that the MM remains married to his W... and cheats again down the road.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess i'm wondering if things like this can really work? Any words?

 

"Things like this" can really work, IF both partners want them to and are prepared to put in the effort to achieve that.

 

I'm now married to my former MM, and things are working out really well for us. But it does take work - all the bad relationship habits he'd learned during his dysfunctional M to his xW, and all of the self-centred habits I'd acquired during my years of part-timing, have had to checked, considered, renegotiated, so that our M develops good relationship habits. My H has had to face up to the characteristics that led to him accepting abuse over so many years, and has backed his counselling up with a great deal of reading, reflection and discussion with friends and family, as well as continued concerted effort. And I've had to adjust to having teenagers again! :laugh:

 

Mostly, you need to keep in contact with what's truly important to you, and ensure that that is getting met.

Link to post
Share on other sites
spiraling downward

I am about 3 months removed from my divorce being final. My MW is 2 months into her divorce... should be final in 30 days or so. She has moved to my town with her 2 younger children. I have been introduced to her younger kids and everything appears to be on an even keel. The oldest son who lives with his father may be a lost cause for now. He blames me alone for the breakup of their marriage... although it's somehow ok for his father to be with someone... strange how that works. Although we are maintaining two households... MW and I are practically living together. We have definitely moved into the family unit stage. I've had some communication with her husband and everything between him and I are moving to an acceptance stage. We've kind of got a spoken agreement to be cordial to each other, even if only just an acknowledgement of each other. Many awkward situations for sure... but things seem to be smoothing out.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually think it happens more often that we are aware of. Think of all the MM who divorce and are remarried within a year. Do you really believe that they met after they got divorced?

 

I think many of these relationships start as affairs, and no one but the MM and OW really know the origin. I've seen it many times and I can't help but think that the 3% statistics are way out of whack.

 

I truly believe that if a MM wants to be with the OW he will. He may not tell the world that they had an affair, they find ways to work it out so that the affair remains secret. JMO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
whatisgoingon
I actually think it happens more often that we are aware of. Think of all the MM who divorce and are remarried within a year. Do you really believe that they met after they got divorced?

 

I think many of these relationships start as affairs, and no one but the MM and OW really know the origin. I've seen it many times and I can't help but think that the 3% statistics are way out of whack.

 

I truly believe that if a MM wants to be with the OW he will. He may not tell the world that they had an affair, they find ways to work it out so that the affair remains secret. JMO.

I totally agree with this post, my XH did exactly this. Was not married in the first yr because of splitting assets in divorce. Our divorce was final in June he was married in Sept, but yeah they were not having an A just friends...lol that is just HO.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am about 3 months removed from my divorce being final. My MW is 2 months into her divorce... should be final in 30 days or so. She has moved to my town with her 2 younger children. I have been introduced to her younger kids and everything appears to be on an even keel. The oldest son who lives with his father may be a lost cause for now. He blames me alone for the breakup of their marriage... although it's somehow ok for his father to be with someone... strange how that works. Although we are maintaining two households... MW and I are practically living together. We have definitely moved into the family unit stage. I've had some communication with her husband and everything between him and I are moving to an acceptance stage. We've kind of got a spoken agreement to be cordial to each other, even if only just an acknowledgement of each other. Many awkward situations for sure... but things seem to be smoothing out.

Was the father cheating too? There's a big difference..

 

Anyway, those kids are going to need time to adjust..Everything has happened SO fast and sure, right now you may think everything is OK, on even keel, but kids can act out in odd ways, so be prepared and put them first...Even if it means not living together for a while.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I actually think it happens more often that we are aware of. Think of all the MM who divorce and are remarried within a year. Do you really believe that they met after they got divorced?

 

I think many of these relationships start as affairs, and no one but the MM and OW really know the origin. I've seen it many times and I can't help but think that the 3% statistics are way out of whack.

 

I truly believe that if a MM wants to be with the OW he will. He may not tell the world that they had an affair, they find ways to work it out so that the affair remains secret. JMO.

I agree with you. I know quite a few remarried people who began with As but did not tell anyone about it. Eventually, the new W needs her reputation to be protected because after all we still like to bash the 'seductive siren.' Somehow the wedding ring puts an end to the gossip and moving to a different neighborhood helps.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...