When they leave......

[crystal_lostheart]

Hi There,

 

I just wanted to tell OW/OM out there to be really careful what you wish for.

 

My MM left his W 6 months ago. I ended it and then he left her..... we got back together and tried to start a R.

 

If you think it's all sweet and great when they leave....think again. It's so hard....especially when kids are involved. I am angry at him for the hell he put me through, what he put his W through with the constant lies and I am angry at myself for what I did.

 

I have become anxious about so many things because now all the consequences of our actions and his life have become mine to deal with now. And believe me, that's a lot to deal with...by choice of course..I know.

 

My point is really THINK about what you are getting yourself into. Nothing becomes easier just because they leave. It is a massive rollercoaster road filled with tears, argurements, heartache and the rest.

 

Do you really want that just to see if it would work out? Some days, I honesty wished I had of walked away earlier to save myself all of this pain.

[ednadean]

wow. thanks for sharing your story.

I think most OW get so caught up [myself included of course] and wishing their MM/MW was available --- they we fail to think through the realities of the whole thing.

 

Are you happy though? Or is the pressure of it all breaking down the happiness? Do you think you'll stay together?

 

Did he break up with his W to be with you or for other reasons.

 

STay strong and HUGSSSSS

[GreenEyedLady]

Some days, I honesty wished I had of walked away earlier to save myself all of this pain.

 

((crystal))

 

You can still leave now, if you are really that unhappy. You still have the CHOICE.

 

It is very hard during the D process. Some people have harder times than others.

 

It is a time of DYNAMIC change. Both of your lives are being affected and you have little to no control over most of it.

 

I think you need to examine if he is really the one for you. And be honest with yourself. Take note of all the things you love about him and all the things you almost hate.

 

If you can look at him overall as a person and still love him and want to support him, then you are being true to yourself. And if you want to survive this as a stronger couple, you have to be willing to accept him, flaws and all.

 

If you cannot do this, if he has hurt you too much, then walk away now.

 

From what I survived, and it wasn't like many of the horror stories you hear about, I know how hard it is, and that it can be worse. People who cheat have underlying issues that must be addressed. It could be childhood trauma, infidelity in a previous M, but it's an issue that must be dealt with.

 

You need to decide for yourself if this is where you want to be and who you want to be with. Then you can go from there.

 

Children will survive divorce. I have two children from a previous M. My children were young, and it was hard on them. But they have grown and prospered. They make friends easily, they are the top in their class and they love both their parents. From what I can tell, the children who never get over it are usually the ones who have a parent who constantly puts down the other parent and blames them for their current situation.

 

Eventually, the D process ends. It takes longer for some than others, but eventually it is over. I can only say if you want to make it, you HAVE to communicate with your partner and he needs to HEAR and be ready to hear what you have to say. If he consistently puts his needs over yours, you need to consider that signals incompatibility.

 

I know it's hard. If it is that heartbreaking constantly, maybe crystal you should consider ending the R. R's are hard enough without feeling like you will always take the backseat. You deserve him to work hard enough to make you feel important most of the time. It really isn't too much to ask.

 

GEL

[MSUE]

Hi There,

 

I just wanted to tell OW/OM out there to be really careful what you wish for.

 

My MM left his W 6 months ago. I ended it and then he left her..... we got back together and tried to start a R.

 

If you think it's all sweet and great when they leave....think again. It's so hard....especially when kids are involved. I am angry at him for the hell he put me through, what he put his W through with the constant lies and I am angry at myself for what I did.

 

I have become anxious about so many things because now all the consequences of our actions and his life have become mine to deal with now. And believe me, that's a lot to deal with...by choice of course..I know.

 

My point is really THINK about what you are getting yourself into. Nothing becomes easier just because they leave. It is a massive rollercoaster road filled with tears, argurements, heartache and the rest.

 

Do you really want that just to see if it would work out? Some days, I honesty wished I had of walked away earlier to save myself all of this pain.

 

Crystal...sounds like you are in pain and I'm sorry to hear that...its certainly not fun...but its not all black and white in such scenarios...there's plenty of gray...I was the MW having the A...I left my H...for my OM and I couldn't be any happier...

 

granted I see that you had ended this prior to him leaving he still came back to you though...

 

"nothing becomes easier" maybe in your situation yes...but in mine it certainly did make all of it easier...

 

I guess my point is...don't let this jade you...and please know that there is plenty of gray...in the meantime focus on healing...sounds like you are very hurt

[MistyK]

It's funny isn't it? We invest all this emotional energy is waiting for him to leave, then when he finally does, it's usually not the clean break we hope for. In many ways, it actually makes things harder for awhile. What drove me absolutely nuts was everytime something would happen with the kids or the xW had a desire to mess with him, he'd feel compelled to go home. I never felt safe. Best of luck to you. ((Crystal))

[crystal_lostheart]

wow. thanks for sharing your story.

I think most OW get so caught up [myself included of course] and wishing their MM/MW was available --- they we fail to think through the realities of the whole thing.

 

Are you happy though? Or is the pressure of it all breaking down the happiness? Do you think you'll stay together?

 

Did he break up with his W to be with you or for other reasons.

 

STay strong and HUGSSSSS

 

I don't know what I am at the moment. Just taking it day by day and trying to put myself first. It is a very hard time

[whichwayisup]

My MM left his W 6 months ago. I ended it and then he left her..... we got back together and tried to start a R.

 

When you think about it though, you two went straight from affair dynamtic to a real relationship. He had way too much to deal with, all the changes, his kids, etc..

 

Did he live with you or did you two slow down , date and just take it as each day comes? To be in rush to start a new life without letting the other person be on their own to sort stuff out, seems to have played a big part in this.

 

Has he left her or have they officially divorced?

 

Anyway, if they have divorced and you truly do love him, then allow him time to sort out his life. Even though you may not like to hear this, he still needs to grieve the loss of his life that he had once with his wife and kids. NOONE can just hop out of a marriage and start a new life with someone else so quickly..It just isnt' healthy.

 

Date him. DON"T live with him. Have your own life, friends etc.. Don't push it with the kids, they aren't ready to meet you and get involved. It isn't fair to them to have a new step mom so quickly either..

[crystal_lostheart]

I wouldn't say we have jumped into anything. We don't live together, we do see each other a lot but we enjoy each other's company. But unfortunately lately we argue a lot.

 

I have taken some time away from him...... Giving myself space and him as well.... I decided this last night and I hope I made the right decision.

 

When you think about it though, you two went straight from affair dynamtic to a real relationship. He had way too much to deal with, all the changes, his kids, etc..

 

Did he live with you or did you two slow down , date and just take it as each day comes? To be in rush to start a new life without letting the other person be on their own to sort stuff out, seems to have played a big part in this.

 

Has he left her or have they officially divorced?

 

Anyway, if they have divorced and you truly do love him, then allow him time to sort out his life. Even though you may not like to hear this, he still needs to grieve the loss of his life that he had once with his wife and kids. NOONE can just hop out of a marriage and start a new life with someone else so quickly..It just isnt' healthy.

 

Date him. DON"T live with him. Have your own life, friends etc.. Don't push it with the kids, they aren't ready to meet you and get involved. It isn't fair to them to have a new step mom so quickly either..

[Devil Inside]

These are difficult relationships to make work. When you are in an A you are in a unique R dynamic. You are also infatuated with each other at the beginning of most Rs, but especially an A.

 

Once everything becomes real...and to add to that difficult due to big life changes...you start to see each other differently.

 

If you make it through this you really do love each other...good luck.

[whichwayisup]

We invest all this emotional energy is waiting for him to leave, then when he finally does, it's usually not the clean break we hope for.

 

It's probably because not enough time has gone by for a MM to heal. Also for the affair dynamic to change into something more healthy and real, rather than it be hidden and full of lies.

 

To the OP:

It isn't healthy for one to end a marriage and then pop into another relationship so quickly without healing first. That's why your situation didn't workout. Seems like it anyway.

[jj33]

I think part of hte problem is that many men are used to being in a relationship and even if they dont leave FOR the OW, expect her to be there in some way or another (not all but a significant number) regardless of whether they are ready to commit to a new and serious relationship in the same way that a single person would.

 

And because of hte dynamic of many As, and as I recall Crystal's falls into this category, the MM is used to his "situatoin" being the driver in the relationship. He is married, he has constraints, he is divorcing he is hurting.

 

All of these things are true, and you want to be supportive of someone you love, but if it means that your needs are still coming second then thats not acceptable. It seems to me that would be a difficult pattern to break. Many of these MM are used to the fact that their OW bend themselves like pretzels to accomodate their needs and expect that dynamic to continue after they are no longer with the W.

 

Not that they feel that way consciously but its the dynamic that was set during the A and without a break and real communication it is unlikely to change.

 

Crystal I think you did hte right thing by stepping back. If the relatinship has any chance, he has to be ready for it.

[crystal_lostheart]

I think part of hte problem is that many men are used to being in a relationship and even if they dont leave FOR the OW, expect her to be there in some way or another (not all but a significant number) regardless of whether they are ready to commit to a new and serious relationship in the same way that a single person would.

 

And because of hte dynamic of many As, and as I recall Crystal's falls into this category, the MM is used to his "situatoin" being the driver in the relationship. He is married, he has constraints, he is divorcing he is hurting.

 

All of these things are true, and you want to be supportive of someone you love, but if it means that your needs are still coming second then thats not acceptable. It seems to me that would be a difficult pattern to break. Many of these MM are used to the fact that their OW bend themselves like pretzels to accomodate their needs and expect that dynamic to continue after they are no longer with the W.

 

Not that they feel that way consciously but its the dynamic that was set during the A and without a break and real communication it is unlikely to change.

 

Crystal I think you did hte right thing by stepping back. If the relatinship has any chance, he has to be ready for it.

 

 

Stepping back was a must.... I can't believe how angry I became when he left his W. I know it sounds weird but I honestly felt all this resentment for the lies, betrayal and constant heartache I went through (my fault included). However, the outcome would have been so much better had he of left earlier and not caused all this f**king damage in the process..... I told him yesterday.... my head is completely screwed by all of this...for almost 2 years you kept me waiting, promising you would leave and then finally I walked away and then you leave!!!! Why didn't you just leave when it mattered most and be an honest man..... As you can see, I am very angry at him and myself.....I should have walked away a long time ago

[ednadean]

I remember once reading someone elses post that was really insightful -- it was basically along the lines that once your MM get a D -- [if tht ever happens] -- where that leaves you on the "nromal couples" road is just at the preliminary dating stage. You have to get to know each other "again" without the A hanging over you. It's a very different relationship -- for one -- it's one of more equality.

 

If you need time -- take it -- that's why I would NEVER advise anyone to break up with the hope of having an R with someone else. People should only get Ds if they themselves are miserable and need to leave for their own sanity. If you leave for someone else -- it places too much pressure on that R and it can't prosper.

 

[GEL -- I know you're different --- I'm just going with what I've seen mostly on the board]

[MistyK]

Stepping back was a must.... I can't believe how angry I became when he left his W. I know it sounds weird but I honestly felt all this resentment for the lies, betrayal and constant heartache I went through (my fault included). However, the outcome would have been so much better had he of left earlier and not caused all this f**king damage in the process..... I told him yesterday.... my head is completely screwed by all of this...for almost 2 years you kept me waiting, promising you would leave and then finally I walked away and then you leave!!!! Why didn't you just leave when it mattered most and be an honest man..... As you can see, I am very angry at him and myself.....I should have walked away a long time ago

 

Oh Crystal, I totally feel you there. Excatly how I've felt. Sometimes I think these guys sabotage the relationship with the OW on purpose because they feel guilty. Or maybe they're simply selfish pr*cks who knew exactly how far they could push us and chose to go right up to that limit just cause they could. It's maddening.

[jj33]

Misty that is why you need to step away from the car as they say...

 

Dont ALLOW him to keep pushing you. Set firm boundaries. Dont let your fear of losing him allow you to continue to perform contortionist acts so that you can continue to be number 2.

 

This is a new relationship and this time it has to be on YOUR terms.

 

Sometimes I think that is part of why post A relationships dont work. Mms are so used to their OWs bending to their needs that when they dont, you arent the same girl that they loved... suddenly you have wants and need of your own... what a shocker....

[OWoman]

I remember once reading someone elses post that was really insightful -- it was basically along the lines that once your MM get a D -- [if tht ever happens] -- where that leaves you on the "nromal couples" road is just at the preliminary dating stage. You have to get to know each other "again" without the A hanging over you. It's a very different relationship -- for one -- it's one of more equality.

 

I think that depends on the A, and now "normalised" the R / A was prior to the D.

 

I was living with my now-H for 6 months before the D. We were well established as a couple before that, and the D merely allowed us to marry. There as no need to "get to know each other" as we'd been doing so over the years.