I'm an OM, hurting

[thought it'd work]

I've been reading posts here for a month or so. Really struggling and could use some serious advice. This is my first time here, demonstrates my desperation.

Apologize in advance for the length of the story...I'm divorced for 10 years, after 20 yr marriage. 3 years ago, met incredible girl, 15 years younger than me. Hit it off instantly. She's married, 1 child. Obviously having problems w her H, non involved w her and son, etc, just hangs out with his friends on weekends, etc. Disconnected and doesn't care, abusive, etc etc. I actually met him one night where she works, obnoxious, loud, embarrassing. He had no idea who I was.

She is, I know it sounds cliche, the most amazing girl I've ever known. All the attributes...cute, funny, spirit, smarts, fun, deep. We started hanging out having a drink, or lunch here and there. Not physical for the first year or so. Finally, couldn't hold it back, it got physical. We were both amazed by the connection we had sexually.

She has been going to a therapist for about a year now. I suggested she get her H to go too, he refused. She finally told the MC about me. Told my GF she should take control and decide if H doesn't want to address their issue, she should serve him an ultimatum. I told her we should cool it if she wants to work on the marriage. She told me she had no interest in him anymore, she was staying trying to figure out what was best for the child.

 

We've gotten closer and closer, her leaving me letters saying she couldn't have found a better man for her she loves how I treat her, my maturity, my relationship with my kids, established financially, looks, etc, and she wanted to live the rest of her life with me, etc. Ive spent some time with her and her child while the H was out doing his thing. She loves that.

 

Now, about a month ago, calls became less frequent, less answering at the 'normal' times I would call her...she's home during the day, works evenings at a restaurant. I felt her pulling away somewhat. Still saw each other on weekend nights, and all was good, but still something changed.

 

Went to meet her one night a month ago after she got off work and she was having a drink with a guy. Extremely close talking, laughing. I walked in and just looked, she just looked, and then a few minutes later, intro'd him to me as her "friend X", and me as just my name. Peculiar, and I got kind of pissed. She came over to me and said he's an old friend then went back to him as if I wasn't even there. So, really mad, I left.

 

Talked to her about it, she said I have to stop the jealous stuff, and I agreed I over reacted. She said she is having an affair with me and it's either me or her husband, period. I said it's time to make that decision.

 

A week later, I went to her apt complex to see her at lunchtime, she told me on the phone she was going to the pool w her child. I decided to surprise her which I've done before, and she ALWAYS loved it.

 

I arrive and she is in the water acting very strange, doesn't get out to hug me as usual, is practically whispering to me. I finall hear her say, this is really F'd up. I look around, and there is X sitting on a chair right next to her stuff. I walk out without saying anything. No call from her, nothing until the next day. A text, which she hates to send, saiying it's not what I think. I reply then "what is it?" She tells me she'll come over in a few days and explain. NC during the next couple of days.

 

When she comes, she tells me he's an old BF from before her marriage. They broke up bc he was cheating on her. He's her age, very good looking guy. She says there's nothing going on, he knows her H so that's why he can come around.

 

Over the next 2 weeks, she seems a lot more distant. Hiding her phone when it rings, which she has NEVER done before, less touchy. I tell her I want to talk about this and figure out where we are at. She agrees but then avoids me time after time we could talk. She tells me she finally had 'the talk' with her H and he didn't react much. She told him she wants to separate/divorce, he barely had a reaction. I'm thinking OK, this is good, but I need to find out about the ex BF before I get too optimistic.

 

Finally, I bring his name up one night when she stopped by, and ask what is the deal. she absolutely goes off on me, tells me I'm acting like a kid, storms out of my house. She was almost hysterical, totally not like her.

 

Call her the next day to aplogize and she says she needs to take a break from me for a few weeks. Said she can't deal with my jealousy. Of course I said I'd work on it but her secrecy wasn't helping.

 

So, after talking multiple times a day, seeing each other a number of times a week for 3 years, we now haven't talked in 3 days. It's killing me. Not sure where to go with this.

 

Do I try to call her? We've both expressed our heart felt love for each other for about 2 years now. Could it just end like this? I'm really stuck. I read all the NC rules you guys post, but I fear this is going to dissolve. I know I can find someone else, but she really was 'the one'. I know it, she knew it.

 

Dying here, so any advice is appreciated.

[Lizzie60]

I don't think you'll like what I will say here..

 

I think it's over with you... that's why she got distant.. this old bf came back in her life.. and she has fallen for him again.. because he's the one who hurted her.. she was still not over him.. IMO.

 

She probably loved you for a while.. but now she's involved with someone else..

 

And after him.. she might meet someone else.. and so on..

 

Move on.. don't call her anymore.. she might call you if this guy dumps her..

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think you'll like what I will say here..

 

I think it's over with you... that's why she got distant.. this old bf came back in her life.. and she has fallen for him again.. because he's the one who hurted her.. she was still not over him.. IMO.

 

She probably loved you for a while.. but now she's involved with someone else..

 

And after him.. she might meet someone else.. and so on..

 

Move on.. don't call her anymore.. she might call you if this guy dumps her..

 

 

Lizzie and I don't usually agree, so write this date down. She's right, you were a distraction and now you're not. She has chosen a new distraction. Makes you wonder why her H was such a jerk. You aren't the first and by her actions, you won't be the last.

[Lizzie60]

Lizzie and I don't usually agree, so write this date down. She's right, you were a distraction and now you're not. She has chosen a new distraction. Makes you wonder why her H was such a jerk. You aren't the first and by her actions, you won't be the last.

 

 

You've said that before.. :laugh:

[MSUE]

TIW

 

sorry you are going trough this...its certainly not fun...personally I don't feel that you overreacted...doesn't matter how many times she denied it or said oh its not what you think...well its crystal clear to me that it was...of course this is strictly based on your side of the story provided in this thread...

 

she has indeed moved on from you...and it looks as this A is over...if she wasn't messing round with this so called XBF there was no need to be so shady, private and sneaky

 

welcome to LS there are some amazing people here that will share their opinions, views and stories with you...

[thought it'd work]

All, thanks Ladies. I was hoping some women would reply, I know what the guys would say. Unfortunately, you all said the same. I was afraid of this, but....

I kept telling myself, if she was such a good liar with her H to cover for us for 3 years, what if the same ever happened to me? How would I react. I think I know now. She actually told me, the night she said she wanted a break, that she has NEVER and would never lie to me about anything. I can bank what ever she tells me.

 

Bummer. We had a fabulous time when we had the chance. Picture a chick, almost 40 who looks late 20's, has a couple tatoos, a tongue ring, and loves to dance to Tony Bennett, Nora Jones, and knows every Pearl Jam and Cold Play song, and LOVES baseball. Great recipe.

 

Too bad.

[bentnotbroken]

You've said that before.. :laugh:

 

 

:lmao::lmao:Then write it down again.

[whichwayisup]

She actually told me, the night she said she wanted a break, that she has NEVER and would never lie to me about anything. I can bank what ever she tells me.

This coming from a woman who said vows to her husband infront of family and friends.

 

She has been lying, omitting truths and deceiving him for a long time, so what makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you? You KNOW she IS capable of lying and cheating, since you are her affair partner..

 

Anyway, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to grieve and heal. Stay in NC mode and go on with your life.

[ednadean]

oh..sorry to say this but you're DEFINTELY on the out. SHe's trying to get rid of you quietly. the "I can't see you for a few weeks" is code for -- I want to break up with you without you getting all obsessed and psycho.

 

Cut it off -- she mayb change her mind when she sees that you really couldn't care less. There are plenty of amazing girls out there [look at all the OW on this board alone] who you deserve. Move on. She's definitely treating you rudely enough for you to never want to see her again.

 

Don't grovel...it will only make things worse.

[Meaplus3]

This coming from a woman who said vows to her husband infront of family and friends.

 

She has been lying, omitting truths and deceiving him for a long time, so what makes you think she wouldn't do the same to you? You KNOW she IS capable of lying and cheating, since you are her affair partner..

 

Anyway, the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to grieve and heal. Stay in NC mode and go on with your life.

 

Eactly WWIU.. to ever word you typed here! TIW, listen to WWIU please.!

 

Mea:)

[stampdaddy]

Run Forrest, run!!!!!

[Chrome Barracuda]

She cheays on her husband...what made you think you was so different. Dude she gassed your head up.

 

Drop the bomb on her and snitch to her husband. Let's see how fast this so called ex boyfriend really is her friend. lol.

[LadyDi]

Sorry for you troubles, but it's pretty obvious, You're out of the picture. Try to hold out and don't call or go by. She may realize she misses you.

[thought it'd work]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm really thinking that my jealousy probably stemmed from the fact that she wasn't available to me, everything happened on HER schedule, and that she was in fact cheating on her H! And very good at covering her tracks. She's introduced me to some of her/their friends, but only the one's she could trust not to say anything. She had been saying how much she wanted me to meet her brothers and how well we'd get along, etc.

She called me yesterday afternoon, on her way to work. BTW, she has to drive right by my house to get to work. Always would come here after work. Anyway, it was idle chit chat. As if things were normal, completely not acknowleding the fact she hasn't called me in 3 days.

Said she had to work until 3am (BS), the place is never open until 3am. Then said, "how about I call you later?" I thought, OK. What does that mean, like when she got off work, or what. I went out last night, drove by the place she works, going to meet friends at another place, and saw her outside having a smoke with a guy, I couldn't see him. The thing is, it was only 9pm and she can't be out there while she's still working. So it tells me she got off work already, but no call to me.

Wanted to puke.

Do I even answer IF she calls again?

[MSUE]

I think its time to let her go...you deserve better...you sound like a nice guy and you deserve to be loved 110% ...don't you think it would be healthier to move on and find a girl along the road that will be there...not only when its covenient to her? I think u do

[thought it'd work]

MSUE, I've seen some of your other posts here. If I read them correctly, sounds like you and your guy figured out the magic. Did you ever have doubts? If he left his wife, then decide not to follow through with you? Or, were you sure that you two would end up together?

 

That's what her and I had been talking about for almost 3 years! We were talking about buying a house in a good school district only a month ago.

Then it all comes crashing down just in the last couple of weeks?

 

I know what I have to do. Just taking me a while to get out of the funk. Hard to focus on much. Wow, really hard for me to comprehend.

[bentnotbroken]

Block her number and ignore anything else.

[Die Hard]

Thanks for all the advice. I'm really thinking that my jealousy probably stemmed from the fact that she wasn't available to me, everything happened on HER schedule, and that she was in fact cheating on her H! And very good at covering her tracks. She's introduced me to some of her/their friends, but only the one's she could trust not to say anything. She had been saying how much she wanted me to meet her brothers and how well we'd get along, etc.

She called me yesterday afternoon, on her way to work. BTW, she has to drive right by my house to get to work. Always would come here after work. Anyway, it was idle chit chat. As if things were normal, completely not acknowleding the fact she hasn't called me in 3 days.

Said she had to work until 3am (BS), the place is never open until 3am. Then said, "how about I call you later?" I thought, OK. What does that mean, like when she got off work, or what. I went out last night, drove by the place she works, going to meet friends at another place, and saw her outside having a smoke with a guy, I couldn't see him. The thing is, it was only 9pm and she can't be out there while she's still working. So it tells me she got off work already, but no call to me.

Wanted to puke.

Do I even answer IF she calls again?

 

My guess is you will. If you want to stay in this relationship you better get used to being number three now. It's one thing to be an other man but, imo, entirely another to be an other, other man. You better get to moving on with your life because it sure as hell sounds like she is. She's not the type to be faithful to anyone and it's better you found this out now rather than if/when you two had got together.

[whichwayisup]

Do I even answer IF she calls again?

 

Well, that depends..Do you want to continue to be treated like sh.it on a stick? Or have you had enough yet.

 

This woman isn't "inlove" with you, she only cares about HERSELF. Her actions are showing you this.

 

Don't answer. But, if you do, tell her "it's over, I want out completely." You don't owe her a huge explanation, seeing as SHE'S married and also seems to have someone else feeding her huge ego.

 

You can do better, so really try your best to move on without her.

[thought it'd work]

Thanks for the help.

Done.

[SHO]

Walk away. Grieve. Heal.

 

Come out the better person for your experience, but remember to take adequate time to grieve. Terrible while it's happening, but it is the stuff of truly evolving, and lets off pressure from other things you might not have grieved about fully. Mistake free living can only occur in a delusional imagination. We grow by virtue of our mistakes. We heal into the stronger being because of it.

[Devil Inside]

TIW

 

Man brother I feel for you...ouch! Sounds like this lady will never be satisfied with just one guy...or two for that matter.

 

It's a good thing you didn't marry her....it would have only been a matter of time.

 

Time to heal my friend. Next time...make sure she is available...being in an A is nothing but trouble.

 

Read the NC posts. Respect and love yourself enough to cut her off completely...she doesn't deserve any better...she was so cold at the end there bro...sorry.

[Devil Inside]

Hey man...this one is dedicated to you...maybe you should pass it on to her....

 

Heartless~The Fray

 

[fooled once]

My heart breaks for you. I am so sorry.

 

You said in a post above "Thanks for the help. Done".

 

Does that mean you spoke to her?

 

I wish she would just be HONEST with you.

 

You know - heck we all know - she isn't being honest

 

That is the hardest part - the lack of honestly in these relationships for SOME situations.

 

I hope you can find some closure / grieve / and move on.

 

You deserve someone who is going to love YOU like you love them.

[In_Repair]

See, this is the scenario where I recommend the AP tell the BS what is going on. It's one thing for the WS to suddenly get a conscience and end the affair to go home and work on the marriage, but to end what you thought was a serious relationship just to go jump in the sack with a third AP... screw that. I'd call my MW's husband and yell at him for marrying such a dirty bitch.