becky2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Is it possible for him to work things out with his wife if he loves someone else? I have let him go....the guilt was killing him after he left his wife so I told him to go back and work it out. He has to leave for the right reasons or it will not work, I know that now. But I also KNOW THAT HE LOVES ME!! He knows I love him Link to post Share on other sites
whatisgoingon Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I really need to hear the replies to this, I am in same situation. My XMM says I did not give him an ultimatuim I told him to go back, but still tells everyone he is leaving. Its been 2 and half weeks and I am going crazy. Guess this is where you say "IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IT FREE, IF IT COMES BACK IT IS YOURS IF NOT IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE". Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 This is hard.. it depends on so many things.. are children involved? were they fighting a lot? did he still love her? They might work things out.. it might only last for a while.. then he will leave for good... Personally.. I think that once there's a 'break' and once they've 'tasted' an A... it's very hard to work things out... it only last a little while IMO.. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 sure....why wouldn't it be? marriage is more than just the butterflies in the stomach kinda love....it is about raising kids, growing assets,having someone that you trust that with your assets and kids-- many marriages are about having a workable partnership. that's what couples did way back when, right? they stayed in the marriage despite the emotional cavity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author becky2009 Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 We have been Best Friends for many many years and in the last year and a half it became more, he has two children and has been unhappy in his marriage for many years...before me. I think he cares about her but does not love her, I think they are now going to marriage counseling, which I am glad he is it will make him face his marriage and not just settle back into what is routine and comfortable. I am not 100% sure if he is just going through the motions so he can leave and not feel the guilt or if he is unsure about leaving altogether. I do know I had to let him go...No choice! It would never work between us otherwise, she knows nothing about the affair. This is killing me...we really do Love each other this has been more emotional than physical. Link to post Share on other sites
VictoryisMine Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 You will definitley be hearing from him, soon. How that call goes.... Link to post Share on other sites
whatisgoingon Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Personally.. I think that once there's a 'break' and once they've 'tasted' an A... it's very hard to work things out... it only last a little while IMO.. I agree with this response, JMO Link to post Share on other sites
ednadean Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 yes Ms can work out. often OWs are not seen as being worth leaving house, financial stability, children etc. And as an OW you don't want that responsibility on your shoulders either. No matter how amazing you are you can't compare to that. The best way to attack it is to have an R with him AFTER he gets divorced for his own reasons -- if not, you're setting yourselves up for failure IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Yes, they can and often do work it out. In the end, they have to prioritize in such a way that status quo is near the top and love is near the bottom. I guess it depends on how much they stand to lose by leaving the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 IMO, having dealt with this, if the man is otherwise healthy (or gets there through counseling) and he's still 'in love' with the OP, the essence of his marriage will fail. Whether the legal structure of it fails is up to he and his wife after they weigh the pros and cons of dissolution. The key is the 'fog' being over and the 'in love' still being there. IMO, if that love is mutual, there is nothing which will keep those two people apart. My situation did not turn out that way, but I saw the realities along the path. Again, OP, the key is an authentic bond, not mere words of a cheater. The bond will stand the test of time. I hope you have a lot of time Link to post Share on other sites
ednadean Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 We have been Best Friends for many many years and in the last year and a half it became more, he has two children and has been unhappy in his marriage for many years...before me. I think he cares about her but does not love her, I think they are now going to marriage counseling, which I am glad he is it will make him face his marriage and not just settle back into what is routine and comfortable. I am not 100% sure if he is just going through the motions so he can leave and not feel the guilt or if he is unsure about leaving altogether. I do know I had to let him go...No choice! It would never work between us otherwise, she knows nothing about the affair. This is killing me...we really do Love each other this has been more emotional than physical. I know you think your position is different -- I know the feeling -- but I would say 80% of the OW posters here are in exactly the same position. In the end the OW gets hurt most of hte time. I was in an identical position -- in the end the guilt and stress got to him and he went back to the safeties of his M. They RARELY leave their M unless there was a divorce in train before. Try to break it off and tell him to get back to you when a D comes through. You're wasting your time with him at the moment in this state of limbo -- even if you do love each other. You deserve someone who can commit to you 100% Stay strong we're all here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 IMO, having dealt with this, if the man is otherwise healthy (or gets there through counseling) and he's still 'in love' with the OP, the essence of his marriage will fail. Whether the legal structure of it fails is up to he and his wife after they weigh the pros and cons of dissolution. The key is the 'fog' being over and the 'in love' still being there. IMO, if that love is mutual, there is nothing which will keep those two people apart. My situation did not turn out that way, but I saw the realities along the path. Again, OP, the key is an authentic bond, not mere words of a cheater. The bond will stand the test of time. I hope you have a lot of time My MM was not unhappy in his marriage when we reconnected after having lost touch for decades. He loved his wife and felt like he had been fortunate to get most of what he wanted in life. Still, there was something missing, something that made it irresistable for him to pursue me. Already at the time they got married, he knew there was an incompatability with their sex drives. MM has the need for a woman to desire him and his body. She is not like that, she never was, and she never will be. So he fell in love with me (again). We are very compatible overall, and our sex drives in particular are very compatible. I too came from a relationship with a partner who had a much lower sex drive than I, so we were both starving for sex and affection. It is obvious to me that MM is truly in love with me, not his wife. Still, his wife is a good woman, and they have many things that bind them together, most importantly a lot of kids. So the question he asks himself, is whether or not he could live without the needs of his met that I meet which he knows she does not. He does not know the answer to this. We have discussed going NC for 3-6 months for him to find out, but we don't even know how to make that happen since even 3 days of NC is enough to make both of us go crazy. In order for him to give his marriage a fair chance, he would have to first grieve me, and then give his all to make his marriage work. I don't know if this is possible. I know that I could not continue having sex with my SO of 25 years because my mind was filled with MM. My MM has more or less totally switched his sexual focus to me, so it is yet to be found out if he can switch it back to his wife. It seems she does not even mind their non-existent sex life. Maybe it seems shallow to some that sex is such a big issue to MM and I, but sex is the difference between friendship and love relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 I think that you did the right thing for you by letting him go to decide this on his own. Decisions made while in a triangle are never sound. If he gives it a fair shot with his wife...and figures it won't work, and gets a divorce, and goes to IC to work out issues from the D, then maybe it would be worth you and he giving it a shot. If all of those things don't happen...I wouldn't enter a R with him...because it would make it very difficult for it to be successful. The other thing to consider here is that there are a lot of IFs....are you willing to sit around and wait for the stars to align. I know it is difficult...but you should start the process of healing. If and when he does what is necessary to be available to you..then you will be in a healthier place to make the decision if you want him...and personally I think you would be surprised at what you decide. Either way, hang in there...I know how hard these Rs are. Link to post Share on other sites
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