Mino Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Ok Guys need some help here. Been on 3 dates with a SG !! ( I work with him too:() He knows of xmm, has had a crush on me for a while. He asked me out and to my surprise I had a really really good time. He makes me laugh, he can talk for hours and we had a great time together. BUT here is my problem. I feel guilty!! SG is saying he wants more, wants R, I cant imagine even sleeping with him. Just to wierd. Am I crazy or what? Why do I feel like I shouldnt be dating, its like i am cheating on my xmm, I know it sounds crazy, but this feeling comes over me on every date we had. Does this just mean, I shouldnt go out yet, that I am not ready to date? After 5 year A, I guess maybe its to early.... what do you guys think? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Mino, you're nowhere ready for anything serious.. Fact that you feel like you're cheating on your exMM, is a big sign. He shouldn't even be a thought or concern, that's when you know it's time to seriously date. Be careful since this guy is someone you work with..And, he knows about exMM. It probably would be easier to date someone that you don't work with, that way there's no association between the guy you date and the xMM. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 It probably would be easier to date someone that you don't work with, that way there's no association between the guy you date and the xMM. Or just be up front with this guy, then relax and have some fun. If you give him the old "I'm not ready for anything but friendship" speech then any non-casual attachments he places on the relationship are solely up to him. You're only guilty of leading him on if you don't level with him. Do the xMM thoughts come with any guy or are they based on SG's shared workplace? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 4, 2009 Share Posted September 4, 2009 Since SG is up to speed on xMM, just tell him you still have thoughts/feelings about xMM and it's too early in your recovery to consider a serious intimate relationship. If you like spending time with him casually, hey, why not.... Just don't give him any ideas. Be honest. My advice presumes it is not potentially toxic to date a co-worker in your particular circumstance. I wouldn't want to see your career impacted negatively. I'll bet it's nice to feel attractive and valued by a SG. That's good. More to come. Just give it time Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Thanks Guys:) It is wierd cause he works in the same place as I and Xmm. But I am enjoying his company very much. We have gone out to dinner 3 times, and he spent the night, with his cloths on... I have been very honest with him, telling him I am not ready emotionally, and that I need time to heal. He says its absolutly no problem, he says he has all the time in the world to wait. Wow, that kinda of blew my mind... The guilt thing is a problem, dont know how long that will take to go away. I need to know where the switch is on my heart. 5 years is a long time, I dont feel guilty hanging out with SG, but just the thought of sleeping with him or anyone eles makes me ill. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 It's possible and likely you will need alone time to emotionally center yourself after this affair. Be sure to share this with SG, so he's fully disclosed. Don't disappear or go cold on him. Be honest. A man respects clarity and honesty. Quickest way to kill any attraction or interest, even if long-nutured, is to play games with him or lead him on. Once you make that mistake, IME, you're done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 Or just be up front with this guy, then relax and have some fun. If you give him the old "I'm not ready for anything but friendship" speech then any non-casual attachments he places on the relationship are solely up to him. You're only guilty of leading him on if you don't level with him. Do the xMM thoughts come with any guy or are they based on SG's shared workplace? Mr. Lucky Mr. Lucky, this is the firstguy that I went on a date with since xmm. Have not even LOOKED at another man, its really even heard to think about that. But this just kinda fell into place, Whats a night out, I thought. This man has asked me out many many times over the last few years. I think you all are right. Now I question myself as I am writing this, that dating may be a bit to much now... I guess I was trying to enjoy the moment... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 5, 2009 Author Share Posted September 5, 2009 It's possible and likely you will need alone time to emotionally center yourself after this affair. Be sure to share this with SG, so he's fully disclosed. Don't disappear or go cold on him. Be honest. A man respects clarity and honesty. Quickest way to kill any attraction or interest, even if long-nutured, is to play games with him or lead him on. Once you make that mistake, IME, you're done. I agree 100 % , I am sooooo not into playing games, I have always been very blunt and honest about my feelings, a small character flaw of mine... Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 MINO!!!! good for you to actually go out and enjoy yourself! As long as your parameters are clear to this guy and he accepts...heck, enjoy his company. Maybe his sole purpose in this world is to make YOU laugh...who are you to deny him of that? ...I kid, Mino...just be careful...you do not really want a rebound thing going with this guy...but truly, nothing wrong in enjoying his company. Link to post Share on other sites
whatisgoingon Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Ok Guys need some help here. Been on 3 dates with a SG !! ( I work with him too:() He knows of xmm, has had a crush on me for a while. He asked me out and to my surprise I had a really really good time. He makes me laugh, he can talk for hours and we had a great time together. BUT here is my problem. I feel guilty!! SG is saying he wants more, wants R, I cant imagine even sleeping with him. Just to wierd. Am I crazy or what? Why do I feel like I shouldnt be dating, its like i am cheating on my xmm, I know it sounds crazy, but this feeling comes over me on every date we had. Does this just mean, I shouldnt go out yet, that I am not ready to date? After 5 year A, I guess maybe its to early.... what do you guys think? That was exactly how I described it to my friends when I went on a date "just too weird". Felt like I was cheating. Then I thought well my judgement is cloudy right now I should not be doing this, although at that time he was not XMM I was still very much involved with him. So no you are not ready yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Mino It makes sense that you are not ready to sleep with anybody yet. Physical intimacy is an extremely vulnerable act. It requires trust and a sense of security. Your last experience with a man was not a safe and secure one. You are feeling hesitant to be that vulnerable again...that is natural and self-preserving. Listen to yourself. Dating is about getting to know someone better, having fun....it is not a race. Just be honest with this guy and don't lead him on. If and when it is right...you'll know...and if he waited, then he is worthy. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Mino, Good job. Dating is an act of moving on. You have the courage to see yourself with someone new. It takes you out of hurting and back to hopeful. It may not work out with this guy, so you need to be candid, but you're getting on with getting on and that's only a positive thing. Remember, there are no contracts in dating. If you are honest and up front, then you have done your job. So, relax and go with the flow. It's just dating. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Thanks guys, Today I had a talk with him. Told him I like hanging out, going to dinner,,,, BUT, I am not ready nor do I want any type of R at this point. I want to enjoy today, thats it. No promises... and I WILL not be pushed into anything I am not ready for... I tried to be as honest as possible, repeating myself over again, so he really understands where I am coming from. To my surprise, hes fine with it. He says he has waited this long, he will continue to wait and see... in the meantime we can go out and enjoy each other without any sex... I am relieved, cause I think, most guys do expect sex after so many dates, right? Damn I am out of the loop on the dating rules its been so long:o Anyway, I will be very slow at this, and true to myself and anyone I am dating, No games from this girl:D Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 Mino It makes sense that you are not ready to sleep with anybody yet. Physical intimacy is an extremely vulnerable act. It requires trust and a sense of security. Your last experience with a man was not a safe and secure one. You are feeling hesitant to be that vulnerable again...that is natural and self-preserving. Listen to yourself. Dating is about getting to know someone better, having fun....it is not a race. Just be honest with this guy and don't lead him on. If and when it is right...you'll know...and if he waited, then he is worthy. Good luck. your absolutely right on that one, DI , its about getting to know someone better... and yeah I think my trust is a bit damaged, but I feel its not lost completely, and thats a good thing Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mino Posted September 6, 2009 Author Share Posted September 6, 2009 MINO!!!! good for you to actually go out and enjoy yourself! As long as your parameters are clear to this guy and he accepts...heck, enjoy his company. Maybe his sole purpose in this world is to make YOU laugh...who are you to deny him of that? ...I kid, Mino...just be careful...you do not really want a rebound thing going with this guy...but truly, nothing wrong in enjoying his company. TC, I think your right, Its good to laugh again, and not hear about the friggin problems of xmm all the time. There are actually lots of other things to talk about, which is very refreshing. I am also getting kinda of spoiled here, nice dinners out, he is a total gentelman... We shall see.... Link to post Share on other sites
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