How do I face them both of them now?

[vainla]

Met a guy. I wasn’t attracted to him, but liked the attention. He was so all over me when he came to introduce himself to me, I just thought that was the way he was, not that he was attracted to me or anything. I have never seen him before. The thing is someone has just told him I had just gotten divorced and a I was a couple of days away from getting my own place. He later told me it was lust at first sight. He said as soon as he saw me, he wanted so much to have sex with me. I wonder if it was only because he knew I had just become “available.”

 

We ended up having sex two weeks after. He was visiting only for the summer, so I was very aware it was only a fling. I supposed he had some sex buddies and I told him repeatedly it was only a fling. I didn’t want him to believe I was getting attached even when I was developing feelings for him. To make him feel more comfortable and since I thought he didn’t want to hurt my feelings by me falling for him, I told him I was giving time to time so I could date a guy I very much liked (which was true at that time). I thought he would feel more comfortable knowing that.

Anyways, we became very close sexually. It gradually became like an addiction, we needed to have longer sessions of sex and more frequently. We started having sex, and ended up making love. It was wonderful other than he would interrupt at times to ask if I still had plans to run after the other guy.

 

I tried not to be affectionate after love making, both because I was fighting the attachment, and because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, but many expressions of affection started to show on our love making. I knew he was leaving town and I kept reminding him it was only a fling mostly as a way to keep my own distance emotionally.

 

Two days before he was about to leave, I told him I had something for him. He was very eager to find out what it was. I told him I would give it to him that night. He just smiled and told me he was going out of town that night and he would stop by my place when he came back. I thought I would surprised him before he left and I went to his house. I crushed when I saw this girl kissing him passionately. She was pulling out on his driveway and her car had plates from out of state. I just drove away. I later found out he had a girlfriend and she came to town to take him back home. I felt horrible. I stayed at a friend’s house very far away from our town. I could not even bare the idea of running into them. I went back home when I thought he was gone.

 

Then he texted me and asked if he could stop by to get his “gift”. He told me he could not go without it, so he decided to stay an extra couple days. I told him I found out about his gf. He said he was sorry, and started the blah blah blah that I was very sweet and so on. I just cut him right there and told him what I found out. I told him he should had let me know he had a gf, even though it was only a fling, and that I had the right to decide if I wanted to get involved with a man in a commited relationship. I told him to never talk to me again. Then he was a jerk to me and turned it around. He told me I said it was only a fling.

 

What difference does it make what I said? He had a girlfriend before we started to have sex. It was a fling for him since the get go, and it’s OK with me as long as it does not make me the other woman.

Now I found out he is moving back to our town. We have common friends. I fell for him. How am I going to survive this?

Men are so insensitive. Have no respect for women and their feelings.

I am so embarrassed. I won’t be able to bear that. How can I ever face him again? If his girlfriend comes with him how am I going to face her?

[whichwayisup]

Stop blaming him and point the finger at yourself. Yeah he lied to you, but you also went into this knowing that it was NSA (no strings attached) and you allowed yourself to fall for him.

 

And, it DOES make a difference because YOU told him "this is a fling." Men can't read minds, so if you tell them it's a fling, nothing else, then that's what it is! Sorry, as angry as you are at him, be mad at yourself just as much, if not more.

 

So, he has a gf, he is a jerk-off. Make yourself get over him, you allowed yourself to fall knowing that it was no strings..

 

Don't spend any time with them until you are ready to.

[tami-chan]

Stop blaming him and point the finger at yourself. Yeah he lied to you, but you also went into this knowing that it was NSA (no strings attached) and you allowed yourself to fall for him.

 

And, it DOES make a difference because YOU told him "this is a fling." Men can't read minds, so if you tell them it's a fling, nothing else, then that's what it is! Sorry, as angry as you are at him, be mad at yourself just as much, if not more.

 

So, he has a gf, he is a jerk-off. Make yourself get over him, you allowed yourself to fall knowing that it was no strings..

 

Don't spend any time with them until you are ready to.

 

I think her point is...she should have been told he was(is) in a committed relationship, then she would not have been "the other woman"-see now she was the "OW" by default. Not by choice.

 

She could have had a "fling" with an unattached man, right? The "fling" , perse, is not the problem....it is that he LIED to her by omission.

 

OP, lesson learned. Pick yourself up and dust off....his lost.

[whichwayisup]

And she LIED to him by saying No strings/no feelings. Even though he has a girlfriend and she let herself fall for him.

 

Anyway, I see your point, he did hide the fact he has a girlfriend.

 

Think the best way to handle it is to NEVER EVER show him how much it upset you and just act like you don't care either way.

[fooled once]

Yes he should have told you he had a girlfriend -- and did you ask him if he was in a relationship? If he didn't - not only is he a cheater, but a liar.

 

He exposed you to STD's.

 

Don't be embarassed because you fell for him. If anything, he should be embarassed that he lied to you (unless you never asked him) -- he should be embarassed because he cheated on his g/f.

 

I am sorry you fell for him. I think many women - me included - have a hard time with a NSA type of arrangement because for many of us - sex comes with emotions.

 

I feel bad for his g/f because she has no idea. Maybe she should be told? I don't know.

 

But stop feeling like you did anything wrong; because from what you posted you didn't know he was with someone and when you found out, you weren't with him again, correct?

[Owl]

OK, I understand that this was NSA.

 

So why did it matter if he was in a relationship or not?

 

If it was NSA...was there an expectation of monogamy on either side? Didn't the OP tell him that she was seeing someone else as well?

 

I understand that she fell for him...but that was entirely of her own making, and completely contrary to what she was telling him the entire time.

 

Why was it wrong that he didn't mention someone else, if there was no expectation of a relationship with the OP?

[skywriter]

Regardless of wether this is NSA, he should've told that he had a girlfriend.

 

Also, as women, if it is not going anywhere, we cannot continue to engage in sex with men without getting emotionally involved.

 

Well, I stand corrected on that last statement, "some" women cannot continue contact, sleeping with a man and not get emotionally involved.

[CarbonCopy]

Why was it wrong that he didn't mention someone else, if there was no expectation of a relationship with the OP?

 

Well, I think MANY people would have a problem -- morally speaking -- doing anything sexual with a person that already has a significant other, whether it be a bf/gf, husband/wife, etc. It doesn't matter if it's a one night stand or just for sex, that person is UNAVAILABLE and there are plenty of single people to "hook up" with if that's what you want.

 

It sounds like the OP wouldn't have slept with this guy had she known he had a girlfriend, so she has every right to be upset.

[whichwayisup]

Regardless of wether this is NSA, he should've told that he had a girlfriend.

Well, maybe he didn't see the point since the OP was ADAMENT about it being NSA and no feelings .. He may have just thought since it was so casual, she didn't need to know much about his personal life, period.

[skywriter]

Who can speak for what this OP thought?

 

Based on what this person has posted now, she is upset that he didn't tell her. We all make mistakes and change our opinions, and that's ok. We do have to live with our choices though, and we can't control how others think and feel, based on how we think and feel.

 

Just learn from this, my dear.

[vainla]

Stop blaming him and point the finger at yourself. Yeah he lied to you, but you also went into this knowing that it was NSA (no strings attached) and you allowed yourself to fall for him.

 

And, it DOES make a difference because YOU told him "this is a fling." Men can't read minds, so if you tell them it's a fling, nothing else, then that's what it is! Sorry, as angry as you are at him, be mad at yourself just as much, if not more.

 

So, he has a gf, he is a jerk-off. Make yourself get over him, you allowed yourself to fall knowing that it was no strings..

 

Don't spend any time with them until you are ready to.

 

Perfect example of misunderstanding. My discomfort does not come from developing feelings for him, my discomfort comes form have been put in such a position.

 

I have been on the other end, and I would have never goten involved with a men who has a significant person on his life. I know how it feels to be in that side, and i feel humiliated for being put in the OW position.

 

Don't get me wrong, NSA relationship is OK with me. I didn't mind being "one of" where every one is equal more or less and no one gets hurt, but I definetely mind being the OW.

 

Being the OW, not only hurts another woman like me, but it is a leftover place that I would never have chosen.

[vainla]

Yes he should have told you he had a girlfriend -- and did you ask him if he was in a relationship? If he didn't - not only is he a cheater, but a liar.

 

 

QUOTE]

 

 

Yes I asked.

[vainla]

OK, I understand that this was NSA.

 

So why did it matter if he was in a relationship or not?

 

If it was NSA...was there an expectation of monogamy on either side? Didn't the OP tell him that she was seeing someone else as well?

 

I understand that she fell for him...but that was entirely of her own making, and completely contrary to what she was telling him the entire time.

 

Why was it wrong that he didn't mention someone else, if there was no expectation of a relationship with the OP?

 

I did not expected him to be in a monogamus. He lived in another city and I figured he had sex friends, but certainly I didn't not expected to have a GF.

 

So yes it does make a difference because I would have never kept it going if I new there was someone who might get heartbroken because of me. If iI got heart broken, it was my doing, mea culpa, but I know what it is to be cheated on, so that is a no no for me.

 

Besides I do not take second places. Like I said, don't mind being "one of equal ranks" but defenitely not the OW.

[VictoryisMine]

A fling, in my definition, mine only i guess is, sleeping with someone 2, 3, 4, 5 times?... Over a period of, not longer than a month.

 

In that case, I could care less what his personal status is.

 

Big No, never go to their homes unexpected and vice versa.

 

 

Vainla, I think you were playing the 'tuff girl' 'can't hurt me' act. And got your heart broke in the process because you do say it was getting to be more than... a fling.

 

And it's okay, i have done it too. It's okay to say one thing and feel another... thing.

 

Feelings for him and this situation will disappear quick. 10 years from now you'll barely remember who the hell he was.

[vainla]

A fling, in my definition, mine only i guess is, sleeping with someone 2, 3, 4, 5 times?... Over a period of, not longer than a month.

 

In that case, I could care less what his personal status is.

 

Big No, never go to their homes unexpected and vice versa.

 

 

Vainla, I think you were playing the 'tuff girl' 'can't hurt me' act. And got your heart broke in the process because you do say it was getting to be more than... a fling.

 

And it's okay, i have done it too. It's okay to say one thing and feel another... thing.

 

Feelings for him and this situation will disappear quick. 10 years from now you'll barely remember who the hell he was.

 

Thanks you

 

I really do hope this goes away as fast as it develped.

Learned one lesson or two. Never assume a guy is unatached because he persues you, neither asume you'll never see him again because he lives out of twon.

 

No more fling for me. I just do not know how to do the NSA thing anyways.

 

I do fear runing into that girl if she ever comes to live in this town. Hope she never finds out, not only for my sake, but also for hers.

[delajoonal]

vain....

THIS is NOT your fault...you went into it as 'fling'...

 

you had NO intentions of being the OW and yes, you should have fairly been given THAT choice.

 

as for him...just be adult..if you see him, say HI, how are you?

nice to see you...bah bye!

 

if you see HER, the GF...and it becomes an issue that she NOW knows about the 'fling'...then tell her the truth...give HER that chance..the chance at the truth..that that jerk did NOT give you.

 

tell her, you were in it for a fling a summer romance/fling thing..

BUT had you known he was involved..you would NEVER have done it..

be honest calm and assertive...she will believe you..i am sure this is NOT the first time HE has done this...and the gf's of guys like HIM know..

they always know when their man is fooling around...most pretend NOT to know...cause they are too scared of losing him...

 

anyway...you didn't do anything wrong...again, you did not know he had a GF and he lied when asked...

 

so if and when THEY come back to town..just hold your head up high sweetie...make it seem like you got what you wanted.. you are done..and that's that..and even MORE clear that you never would have had the fling had you known he had a gf, cause YOU have more class then that...make sure they get IT...

 

p.s. i have been there...in a fling..yet, had feelings i tried to hide and push away..so i could be strong and just keep the fling going..it was a sick addiction to this man..ack!...it was MANY MANY years ago...i look back on it now and think, omg! what was i thinking..what a loser he was..LOL

you will too...you will look back one day..and it will just barely be a glitch on your radar of romantic memories:) i promise.