aussiegirl66 Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Hi, I suppose this post will get me the scorn and derision that I deserve, but things have got worse lately and I am going to see a therapist tomorrow and with some insomnia I found myself coming back here after a few years break (again!!!). There are similarities to the situations of the posts by davnnic and michael-yyy, so you guys, you may wish to read on, in particular. Well, I am married, no kids, he is married, 10 years my junior, now with two kids (I presume). We met on an international 'adult' (= sex) site in June 2007. We agreed to a date in the city and bet at a bar and I was instantly attracted and overwhelmed by my attraction to him. It was mutual. Compounding the romance and intensity was the fact that while I was busy holding the hand of and looking besottedlly into the eyes of my soon-hoped-to-be lover, I had left my handbag bag behind me and a thief took it and made the most of the contents of it. That kinda ruined the evening but intensified things pretty quickly. I was in tears, he comforted me, kissed me on the forehead several times, held me, said we would do things together like search for it in bins, he accompanied me to the local police station....(little did I know that one day he would go to the police because of me). I declined the taxi fare home (feeling guilty about teh $ and just took a few dollars for a bus fare home) and he kissed me goodbye. The evening was soon over and I was preoccupied with what to say to H about me getting home w/out the car, etc. I made an excuse and luckily I got it and most of the contents including a PDA back (no mobile phone, cash or glasses or disposable camera though) the next morning. Anyway, I wanted to meet him again and he me, but there were excuses. There were internet conversations and emails, including some difficult exchanges. I had to face putting my mother in a nursing home and he was dealing with his wife, who was sick apparently, so we never met again. Then things were going O.K., then I put 2 + 2 together, and realised his wife is sick because she must be pregnant! I had to contain my jealousy as I don't have kids and after 18 years of marriage w/ no sex life and mental health issues and little family support, I doubt I will (+ other reasons). Anyway, the chatting and text (sms) and email exchange continued -though emails were mainly from me, of course. I told him I was going into a therapy program at a local hospital and he said for me to email him when I 'get back' or something. Being inpatient and still wanting desperately to see him again, one night I was frantic in my psych's office during an appt. and he just said via text something like: "I destroyed everything with my over-analysing, inability to relax and psychobabble..". He wanted it over - I didn't. The last message I got from him was to look after myself. Months passed, I sent text messages and emails sporadically. No response. To this date, I am amazed how steadfastly he managed to never to respond to any emails or sms's, no matter how much love and thought I put into them. Come February last year (2008), I lost the plot and something else triggered my anger and I decided to call his wife. I told her we had met through a sex site but that nothing happened. Unfortunately, I had also told him via a voice message and a text (sms) that I would like him to suffer the way he had made me suffer. The worst I did was post his mobile (cell phone) number on msn messenger for a day or two for guys to ring and said that I had gone past his house (I never did - I had the wrong address!). But he took these threatening messages to the police. I sent a basket of flowers to his wife twice to apologise (once before and once after the police contacted me, who were very nice), and sent emails to him to apologise. I sent sms' of love to him. I had to deal with the fact that he wanted it over, but I was too stupid and too stubborn to see it. By now I was a full bunny boiler but too stupid to see that. If I had just accepted it months back that it was the end for him, that what he had felt was just nothing. Still, I said that one day I would contact him which I did recently. I called from a public phone (so that he would not recognise my number). He hung up. I followed it up with three sms' and last week I got a letter from my mobile (cellphone) provider that three text messages made at the time I texted him were unwanted. I have sent a final email (twice) saying I will never contact him in any way, again. I know he has not read it and probably never will. So there you have it. Lots of tears, grief, agony and money and time spent. I have a police record with his name as victim against my name. I have probably damaged his marriage, depending on what he told his wife about me compared to what she believes about me and him. I had to call an ambulance to calm me down the day after I made that fateful call. Therapy bills. More therapy bills. I was a bunny boiler on a mission instead of just accepting that he wanted nothing to do with me. Let's forget the pain, because life is unfair and it is futile to ask questions such as why is he happy, or he must be happy to treat me like this or I deserve what I got, etc. Life is cruel..I had a glimpse of what it is like to be in a relationship, to be in a blissful state of feeling passion for a man for a few hours who I wanted and who wanted me back, and perhaps I have to thank God I have that brief, but nice, memory forever. But I have to live with the consequences of not only what I have done to his wife, but that I have made him suffer stress due to repeated contact he doesn't want and that I know have to live with myself knowing there is a person out there who hates my guts and who I have installed the fear of God into (he probably thinks what will this psychob*tch do next some day). He probably maintains a file of all my texts and emails in case he feels he needs to take them to the police one day. I still have to get up in the morning and live my life, but it is getting mightily hard to do so. This doesn't happen to other people in the same way. My obsessive nature makes it so much harder for me to deal with rejection, unlike others. Perhaps they have better self esteem that they can move on and put it behind them. Perhaps at least they are friends with their ex_Other(Man/Woman), but I am not and in the end, I would have been perfectly happy with that and nothing more. Put I ruined that chance too. But I seem to be unable to move on from this pain. (Please don't analyse my marriage, either. I am not leaving him and looking for someone else as I have my reasons for loving my husband deeply, too). Apologies for the length of this post and thanks for any readers and especially posters!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Given that your affair is apparently dead and buried, and you don't want to talk about your marriage...what advice/support are you looking for? Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I don't get it. You have deliberately and intentionally brought this misery upon yourself, all the way through it. YOU refuse to divorce your H even though there's no sex, no kids, mental health issues, and no family support. YOU get on a sex site to meet someone, and hook up with a MM. YOU won't let the MM go when he clearly indicated he wanted nothing to do with you. YOU contact his W out of pure revenge. Why are you hell-bent on destroying yourself??? I hope you will get to the bottom of this in counseling, and learn how to start loving yourself. It's the only way to stop the destructive cycle you're stuck in... and stop hurting yourself and everyone else you take down with you! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 My obsessive nature makes it so much harder for me to deal with rejection, unlike others. Counselling. You need it very badly so you can live a happy, normal life. One without drama, problems and cheating. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 wow...you really went full throttle stalker at this...I'm glad to hear that you are in therapy and trying to work on your issues...they way you handled yourself in this situation is scary...this man clearly wanted nothing with you and the more he made it known the more your behavour intensified...this is not something are mentally stable person would do...if I were him I would have done the same thing too...cause ignoring you and telling you no over and over did not work...be lucky he reported you...otherwise you may have done something you would later regret...and finally you stopped cause you have no choice or you would land yourself in jail...that easily...as it is a more serious offense that you realize...contacting his wife was the lowest thing to do...from what I gathered you didn't even have sex...please correct me if I'm wrong...did you feel good after you did it? obviously not cause you sent flowers?!?!?!?!?...another very sick/unstable action... you have inflicted a lot of suffering to this family...but more importantly to yourself... Please continue to seek help and put the same time and effort you put into them on healing and recovering...you certainly need the help...do anything and everything in your power to become healthy again...therapy, psychiatric help, medication...all those things will help...if you put the effort into them that is Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Wow. I am nearly speechless. It doesn't sound like you have much to pine over. You met him for a few hours, nothing more. Why has that few hours which was never supposed to be for love and romance (you met on a sex site afteralll) now suddenly morphed into a Cinderella tale of one night of bliss? You said getting your purse stolen "compounded the romance". That's not romantic - I'm guessing you have fantasies about being rescued. That probably something you should look at. Look at the reality - you had nothing with him at all really, so I don't understand why you are having such a hard time letting it go. Your obession with him after so little contact is disturbing - it worries me for you. I'm sure MM doesn't "hate" you, and I think you know that in truth he doesn't even care enough to hate you. It's ok - not everyone on earth has to like you. You seem like you need a lot of validation. Something else you might want to explore. It doesn't sound like you're in a place where you can decide anything about your marriage, you need to get stable first. If I had to guess though, you stay because you're secure and stable with him, but he doesn't really "do it" for you. Someday you'll have to deal with that issue, but for right now, try to get well. I don't think anyone can meet your needs while you're in this state, so please stop looking outside your marriage. Get well and then worry about putting one foot in front of the other about your marriage. All you stand to do by having affairs is make things much worse for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 ok poster...check this thread out...its about one of my girls exhibiting incredibly similar behaviour as you...might help to look at it from a friends perspective ( that being me ) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t200581/ Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Aussie girl, when I read this all I can think is that this man probably won't be meeting anyone off of the internet! You really probably did his wife a great service, so I wouldn't be feeling guilty. Am I understanding this right, that apart from the kiss on the head and his helping you, that that was your only connection. Why would you feel the need to apologize to his wife? Why did you consider that it was more than it was? Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 But I have to live with the consequences of not only what I have done to his wife, but that I have made him suffer stress due to repeated contact he doesn't want and that I know have to live with myself knowing there is a person out there who hates my guts and who I have installed the fear of God into (he probably thinks what will this psychob*tch do next some day). He probably maintains a file of all my texts and emails in case he feels he needs to take them to the police one day. I still have to get up in the morning and live my life, but it is getting mightily hard to do so. This doesn't happen to other people in the same way. My obsessive nature makes it so much harder for me to deal with rejection, unlike others. Wow, just wow. You mention not having kids partly because of mental issues. Are the mental issues yours? I ask seriously, not as a jab, you mention having an appointment with a psychiatrist AND going into an inpatient mental health program (If I read that correctly). I hope you get the help you need. The part that stood out the most for me is your "obsessive nature" that makes it harder for you to constructively deal with "rejection". I don't have anything else to add. I just hope you get the help you need. Link to post Share on other sites
MSUE Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 You really probably did his wife a great service, so I wouldn't be feeling guilty. apart from the kiss on the head and his helping you, that that was your only connection. Why would you feel the need to apologize to his wife? Why did you consider that it was more than it was? she got obsessed with this man who she spent maybe a couple hours with,...she told his wife out of revenge and spite and to get to him...it was a desire of revenge...she felt as if she couldn't have neither should the wife...not because she cared about her...how is that doing a favor its inflicting pain...then again she has acted so for lack of a better word crazy that the husband probably brushed it off as someone he never knew and its believable the woman pretty much lost it...she was inpatient at one point...obviously there are some major mental issues...I have nothing again mental illness...let me put my disclaimer out there...but this is a case of fatal attraction...can you imagine if he didn't file a report on her? there was no stopping her Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Met married man on internet. Met in real life ONCE for a few hours. A meet and greet - NO SEX. Stalks him for years. Becomes dangerous, Contacts wife. All for what? This in an excellent post for anyone contemplating how harmless it might be to just meet or have sex with a stranger. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 she got obsessed with this man who she spent maybe a couple hours with,...she told his wife out of revenge and spite and to get to him...it was a desire of revenge...she felt as if she couldn't have neither should the wife...not because she cared about her...how is that doing a favor its inflicting pain...then again she has acted so for lack of a better word crazy that the husband probably brushed it off as someone he never knew and its believable the woman pretty much lost it...she was inpatient at one point...obviously there are some major mental issues...I have nothing again mental illness...let me put my disclaimer out there...but this is a case of fatal attraction...can you imagine if he didn't file a report on her? there was no stopping her I believe IWWH meant that she did the W a favor because the OP freaked the guy out enough that he probably won't be doing that again anytime soon. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Is this for real?? On the off chance that it is true.... OP does your H know about this situation with MM? Does he know about your brush with the law as a result? If he doesn't you should tell him. Maybe he will get you some help. AND You do need help. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I hope her husband knows.. Especially since the police have been involved. I'm surprised that the MM's wife hasn't contacted her husband to let him know about the freaky behaviour. I am amazed how steadfastly he managed to never to respond to any emails or sms's, no matter how much love and thought I put into them. He did NC, and stuck to it. He may not have even read your emails, and if he did, because of how you've acted, he didn't want to respond. Continue with counselling, get on meds and fix "you." Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I believe IWWH meant that she did the W a favor because the OP freaked the guy out enough that he probably won't be doing that again anytime soon. Thanks Misty, I think that there is a lucritive business oportunity here. Seriously, what BS who finds her WH on a sex site wouldn't pay to have the bejeezus scared out of him! Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 "Rent-a-Psycho" I think I'd be a natural. Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 "Rent-a-Psycho" I think I'd be a natural. HA! LMAO Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Where do I interview for the position? Oh, nevermind, I`ll know how to find you............................ Link to post Share on other sites
CheatedOnHusband Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Wow, clealry a damaged goods here. You need to seek help to deal with the underlining issues that caused you to stoop so low. Not sure how you could say you love your husband whilst pursuing other married man, and why you went to a sex site in the first place. True the sex in your marriage is nil as you put it, but that can probably be resolved with some medical intervention. Are you surprised you got a police record? The only thing you have taught the OM is a valuable lesson - not to seek passion outside his marriage! Other than that you have tormented yourself and the poor OM's wife. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 I think that there is a lucritive business oportunity here. Seriously, what BS who finds her WH on a sex site wouldn't pay to have the bejeezus scared out of him! Hey - I have a credit card. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 OP, you are truly a blessed person. You are blessed that you didn't come up against a wife who behaves like you do, otherwise your story could be a headline making story. You need a lot of help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aussiegirl66 Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Is this for real?? On the off chance that it is true.... OP does your H know about this situation with MM? Does he know about your brush with the law as a result? If he doesn't you should tell him. Maybe he will get you some help. AND You do need help. PhoenixRise, yes it IS true...do you honestly think I would join a board like this to concoct some story just for kicks, do you? To answer your question, yes my H does know about the situation and he is a lawyer and he knows about most of my "spleen-faces" as he likes to call my obsessions over some men. I don't think it is his responsibility to get me some help and this push some of you posters have about me getting on meds seems so cliched as 1) I am on meds now and I still called over about 3 weeks ago and 2) iMeds are not really going to change my personality which has developed over 43 years of being on this God-damned planet! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Aussie girl, May I ask what your diagnosis is? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aussiegirl66 Posted September 2, 2009 Author Share Posted September 2, 2009 Given that your affair is apparently dead and buried, and you don't want to talk about your marriage...what advice/support are you looking for? To be honest, I am not sure...perhaps I just want the grilling I am having by the posters on this site and the tears that flow when I read some of the responses. The cruel ones don't really count as life is cruel, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted September 2, 2009 Share Posted September 2, 2009 Hey - I have a credit card. And I need a night job. Am I hired? Link to post Share on other sites
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