Seen my Xmm today with Wife

[whatisgoingon]

Today I seen my xmm with his wife, we have been NC for 2 weeks today. I was sitting at a stop sign waiting to turn when here they came down the road. This woman is hanging out of the truck yelling nasty things at me as I am waiting to turn, I laugh and go about my business.

Now as I sit here and think long and hard about this it is really irking me. She knew of A has taken him back many times after he would go home from spending a week with me.

I guess my question really is why does BS almost always blame the OW and not the MM? Come on really I did not and do not twist his arm he comes to me ALL the time, and I have told him too many times to go get MC. And his reply is always the same it will not help.

Right now as I sit here typing this I really want to send her the clothes he has here fwd all the text messages he sends me and send the pictures of us together that I have. But I know this will do no good. I do not want to hear from him every again I am doing fine, but him knowing I can do all this would'nt you think he would try to control what she does for fear that I would?

[jj33]

You cant control someone else. If you want him out and she is yelling nasty things then YES send the clothes to his house. Next time he sends a text message or something send it to her if you have her mobile number.

 

DONT send the correspondence if you have to print it out and send it to her. That is just mean. She knows about the affair. He is clearly painting a different picture.

 

Just put the clothes in a box or bag take it to the post office and send it with a note saying that you never want to hear from him again.

 

Mean it. Dont use it as an excuse to try to get her to dump him hoping he will come to you.

[whatisgoingon]

Yes I want him gone, that is my whole goal with going NC as I was the one who ended it. I do have her mobile number as she has texted me some very nasty stuff. He is gone and I am trying very slowly to move past this. We live in a small town however I feel it is going to be a very slow process....

[jj33]

Oh my. That sounds awful. Well just box up ALL of his stuff and send it back to them with a note please dont every contact me again. Or throw it out.

 

If its not stuff he needs just throw it in the trash.

 

If you cant get them blocked from your cell phone, delete her number, or name it block on your phone and dont answer, same for his.

 

The less you engage with them the better.

[bentnotbroken]

Now if you truly believe deep in your heart that one person can control another's action, do you really think he would have cheated in the first place? Don't you think she would have controlled where he sticks that little head? Box up his stuff and send it along with a NC letter to them both. By the way, this is called part of the fallout. Not good, but it is part of the fallout.

[whatisgoingon]

What do you mean part of the fallout? I am new to this.

[bentnotbroken]

What do you mean part of the fallout? I am new to this.

 

 

The post affair fallout. The things that happen as the result of the affair. The anger, the accusations, the rumors, the repercussions.

[whatisgoingon]

The post affair fallout. The things that happen as the result of the affair. The anger, the accusations, the rumors, the repercussions.

 

 

The anger, accusations rumors and repercussions from W? Because really I do not bother him at all. Or her for that matter. Thanks for the explanation.

[foreal]

What do you mean part of the fallout? I am new to this.

 

HI

 

re: fallout

 

It's just all the friggin CRAP the whole A triangle goes thru once the BS finds out. DRAMA.

 

But on another note, I totally feel for you. His BW is an idiot, for many reasons. And so is he. I say throw his crap out- don't mail it to him with a note! You are not his delivery girl.

 

And go No Contact... as in nothing, nada, nilch, zip, ZERO contact of any kind, as if he no longer existed.

 

Good luck! You sound nice.

[tami-chan]

What do you mean part of the fallout? I am new to this.

 

No not necessarily. It is only part of the fall out to those who are wired to do such undignified stunts. Many BSs do not yell ugly stuff to the OWs, or send nasty texts, unfortunately for you, you are dealing with one who has no grace nor dignity.

 

I am sure her H (your former affair partner) was "proud" of what she did and made him love her more....:rolleyes:

[boldjack]

OP, good, bad , or indifferent, these are the types of things you signed up for when you started the affair with a married man. That you ended it is commendable, but you only ended it from your perspective. The affair is still very much on the mind of the BW and will be for a long time. You became the villian, because the BW is still with the WH, and he can easily deflect blame away from himself and onto you. Get used to it, because you will be getting a steady dose from now on.

[NoIDidn't]

So while she was leaning out of the window yelling obscenties at you, what was he doing?

 

You did say that they were together.

[SoleMate]

I kinda like the idea of neatly boxing up all his clothes and other tangible possessions and sending them to his home, without comment, COD. (Unfortunately, if one also prints photos or emails and includes them, it spoils the purity of the gesture.)

[White Flower]

You have been used and you have damage yourself spiritually and you don't even know it.

That was helpful.

 

whatisgoingon,

 

You do have power. You can send messages by sending a box of his things home, forwarding texts, and revealing pics but what is your goal? I am usually on the side of being careful of a BW's feelings but this one seems ignorant and quite frankly it appears that she is asking for the cold, hard truth by her goading you like that in a small town no less. I would invite her over for some afternoon tea and give her an education.

 

Again, normally I would not do this but I understand that living in a small town can be ruthlessness to an exOW. It is in your best interest to befriend Mrs. Betrayed and show her who her WH really is. My educated guess is that he has done this before and will do it again. My first clue is his lack of fear in what you'll do. And remember, he SHOULD have a little more concern since he does live in the same small town as you. My second clue was that he said he knows already that MC will not work. There is something wrong with HIM and he already knows it. I smell serial cheater.

 

And I answer yes to your last question. He knows you can damage him but he THINKS he knows you better than you know yourself. He is an egotist that anticipates you'll just sit back on your sweet fanny and take it; his throwing you under the bus and his BW's 40 lashes in public at you.

 

Invite her over for tea. Apologetically show her where he stored his clothes, ask her if she'd like the texts forwarded to her and show her the pics. Then ask her if she thinks her WH might be the nasty one. After all, he is the one who betrayed her and was also the one who said MC would not work.

 

And by having her over, she has to lift the heavy box of clothes and cart it back home. Don't exert yourself too much; the public slaying was enough effort, wasn't it?

[whatisgoingon]

So while she was leaning out of the window yelling obscenties at you, what was he doing?

 

You did say that they were together.

I just looked the other way and I did laugh, I have know idea what he was doing. Yes they were together.

[whatisgoingon]

That was helpful.

 

whatisgoingon,

 

You do have power. You can send messages by sending a box of his things home, forwarding texts, and revealing pics but what is your goal? I am usually on the side of being careful of a BW's feelings but this one seems ignorant and quite frankly it appears that she is asking for the cold, hard truth by her goading you like that in a small town no less. I would invite her over for some afternoon tea and give her an education.

 

Again, normally I would not do this but I understand that living in a small town can be ruthlessness to an exOW. It is in your best interest to befriend Mrs. Betrayed and show her who her WH really is. My educated guess is that he has done this before and will do it again. My first clue is his lack of fear in what you'll do. And remember, he SHOULD have a little more concern since he does live in the same small town as you. My second clue was that he said he knows already that MC will not work. There is something wrong with HIM and he already knows it. I smell serial cheater.

 

And I answer yes to your last question. He knows you can damage him but he THINKS he knows you better than you know yourself. He is an egotist that anticipates you'll just sit back on your sweet fanny and take it; his throwing you under the bus and his BW's 40 lashes in public at you.

 

Invite her over for tea. Apologetically show her where he stored his clothes, ask her if she'd like the texts forwarded to her and show her the pics. Then ask her if she thinks her WH might be the nasty one. After all, he is the one who betrayed her and was also the one who said MC would not work.

 

And by having her over, she has to lift the heavy box of clothes and cart it back home. Don't exert yourself too much; the public slaying was enough effort, wasn't it?

 

I would love to enlighten her but as you say she knows what she is dealing with, in the times she has text me I have told her who he is, she has told me they do not get along I think it is one of those things "if I can not have him no one else will". And you right in saying he "knows" I would not "ruin" him as he believes I will be there once again to pick up the pieces of them fighting. And I am not going to be this time. I Know what I did was wrong I was also a BS while pregnant, I kicked that A** to the curb never looked back, but I do not understand why it took me a yr and half to get rid of him. I knew that this would not be easy.

[NoIDidn't]

Well the fact that he sat there and did nothing while she yelled at you is what concerns me more than anything.

 

You can't control her as you helped betray her with him. But his non-action is no different than throwing you under the bus, IMO.

 

I'm glad you won't be there when he tries to sneak back around. He needs to grow a spine. I can't imagine why he stays with her, unless she is rich or her family somehow owns your small town.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Do NOT invite her over. Do not send things back, ignore her. You have no idea how she will react. Even the most mild manner BS's can crack, if this woman was an "in your face" type to begin with there is no telling what she might do.

 

Tammi is right, not all BS's react this way, but you never know what you're gonna get until it happens.

 

Ignore her. She'll go away. Next time choose a man with a wife who isn't likely to act out on her rage.

[whatisgoingon]

Do NOT invite her over. Do not send things back, ignore her. You have no idea how she will react. Even the most mild manner BS's can crack, if this woman was an "in your face" type to begin with there is no telling what she might do.

 

Tammi is right, not all BS's react this way, but you never know what you're gonna get until it happens.

 

Ignore her. She'll go away. Next time choose a man with a wife who isn't likely to act out on her rage.

 

She is far from mild mannered she is definetly the in your face kind. Even ignoring her is not going to make her go away. And there will not be a next man with a wife....

[whatisgoingon]

Well the fact that he sat there and did nothing while she yelled at you is what concerns me more than anything.

 

You can't control her as you helped betray her with him. But his non-action is no different than throwing you under the bus, IMO.

 

I'm glad you won't be there when he tries to sneak back around. He needs to grow a spine. I can't imagine why he stays with her, unless she is rich or her family somehow owns your small town.

 

Definetly will not be there. Many people have asked him why he is still there. Personally I feel they have both hit bottom neither one is happy that is quite obvious to all concerned. He told me that there relationship is toxic what ever that is to mean. And no she is not rich or her parents dont own the town.

[2sure]

Perfect timing for this post, for me anyway.

 

The question being : why does BS blame OW more than MM?

Its a fair question and on the surface easy to say the wife shouldn't blame OW at all perhaps, and certainly not more than MM.

 

I'm dealing with same right now. Now, my H is a just newly discovered serial cheater. For him to even know enough about the other women, regarding names, faces, where, when...I would have to make him Flash Cards to work with. So, obviously blaming any of them is pointless. They didn't know his real name and many didn't know he was married.

 

Except one. This one. She is married. We have met. In fact, I once did her a big favor. In the past, she has tried to cozy up to both H and myself but we decided she was to be avoided as a train wreck. His words.

She met ME. My name has been in her mouth.

 

I am angry. Not that she f'd my H because in light of all else I'm hardly jealous. But she knows ME.

 

Now, this is not yet a case of forgiving my H but not her...and to me one has nothing to do with the other. I will admit my rage concerns me enough that I have decided, for the moment, to do nothing.

[whatisgoingon]

Perfect timing for this post, for me anyway.

 

The question being : why does BS blame OW more than MM?

Its a fair question and on the surface easy to say the wife shouldn't blame OW at all perhaps, and certainly not more than MM.

 

I'm dealing with same right now. Now, my H is a just newly discovered serial cheater. For him to even know enough about the other women, regarding names, faces, where, when...I would have to make him Flash Cards to work with. So, obviously blaming any of them is pointless. They didn't know his real name and many didn't know he was married.

 

Except one. This one. She is married. We have met. In fact, I once did her a big favor. In the past, she has tried to cozy up to both H and myself but we decided she was to be avoided as a train wreck. His words.

She met ME. My name has been in her mouth.

 

I am angry. Not that she f'd my H because in light of all else I'm hardly jealous. But she knows ME.

 

Now, this is not yet a case of forgiving my H but not her...and to me one has nothing to do with the other. I will admit my rage concerns me enough that I have decided, for the moment, to do nothing.

 

I take my part in the A, but from where I am it takes two to tango. When my Xh betrayed me I blamed OW yes but I also held him responsible for his part in it as well. And now they are it seems happily married so yes some A do work out if that is what you want. I was with him for 10 yrs and yes walked away, heartbroken but walked. Maybe I am different having held him just as responsible as OW. Dont know.

[NoIDidn't]

I take my part in the A, but from where I am it takes two to tango. When my Xh betrayed me I blamed OW yes but I also held him responsible for his part in it as well. And now they are it seems happily married so yes some A do work out if that is what you want. I was with him for 10 yrs and yes walked away, heartbroken but walked. Maybe I am different having held him just as responsible as OW. Dont know.

 

You're not different. Most hold the OW and MM equally responsible. They both participated, so they are both equally responsible for the outcome.

 

But her yelling at you in his presence is what gets me. It seems like he is encouraging her to blame you so he doesn't have to face her wrath. Seems cowardly. But in his defense, she does sound toxic. And in her defense, maybe his cowardice made her that way. They've got a codependent vibe that comes through in your posts, even if you didn't intend for it to.

 

This is the reason that I wouldn't mettle in someone else's marriage. I don't know what I'd be getting myself into.

[whatisgoingon]

You're not different. Most hold the OW and MM equally responsible. They both participated, so they are both equally responsible for the outcome.

 

But her yelling at you in his presence is what gets me. It seems like he is encouraging her to blame you so he doesn't have to face her wrath. Seems cowardly. But in his defense, she does sound toxic. And in her defense, maybe his cowardice made her that way. They've got a codependent vibe that comes through in your posts, even if you didn't intend for it to.

 

This is the reason that I wouldn't mettle in someone else's marriage. I don't know what I'd be getting myself into.

 

That sounds about right..CODEPENDENT. Thank you

[2sure]

Maybe they are both just crazy and chances are you will never figure it out. To particapte, at all, will only encourage her (them)and lengthen the amount of time you have to deal with this. Just have to wait for her to burn herself out or more likely...her attention to be diverted to another OW. Her H is probably pleased that her rage is being deflected, at least in part , from him to you.