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I am OM and she just broke up with me. Should I inform the husband?


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Hi,

 

I am new here and I am just getting familiar with the terminology...

 

I have a typical story: I am a single man, 45, involved and in love with a married woman, 39, in a relationship lasting for almost 3 years. It has been up and down. She stopped it several times, then we started again. She told me many times that she wouldn't leave the husband and the two kids. I blame myself for not leaving earlier.

This summer we got a chance to go together to Paris. She asked me to go meet her in Paris. We spent 3 nights, as lovers and turists and it has heaven. After, everything was so natural. She was telling me how close she is to end the marriage. Then the husband went away for 8 days to bring the kids from overseas, where they spent the summer. We had 8 days of paradise. She showed me so much love and tendernes and made it clear that we are she will start the separation from husband... But at the end of the 8 days, even though she told me many times that she will make the step, she decided to go back to her family, stop the relationship with me and behave at home like nothing happened. And I am heartbroken, I feel cheated and betrayed by the person I love. I want to tell her husband about our story, so that he knows what snake he has in the house...

I need some advice and your comments. Thank you...

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GorillaTheater

The advice you're likely to get will range widely. For my part, even though I understand you're motivated largely by revenge, my advice is yes. Tell.

 

Because if it was me I'd want to know.

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No, no you shouldn't. There have been numerous threads along this same line and the answer is always the same. If you do that, you'd only be doing it for revenge. I totally understand feeling that way, and the H does deserve to know, but not from you.

 

Firstly, he probably won't believe you anyway. Why, afterall, should he believe a perfect stranger over the woman he's been married to and has along history with? Secondly, it makes you look like a bunny-boiler. Is there some part of you hoping that her H finding out will cause the M to end and then you can have her? It's not going to happen. You don't have to take my word for it, just read the other threads around here and you'll see that it's just not how these things go.

 

I understand that you may have some guilt now for participating in an affair that betrayed her husband. That being the case, understand that you "telling all" is only interjecting yourself further into a situation you never should have been part of in the 1st place. The only person that truly stands to get hurt by you telling is the husband, and he doesn't deserve that. Lick your wounds and walk away with some dignity. Learn from the mistake and try to move on.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting about her leading you on and lying to you. It is a risk we all took when we chose to get involved with married people. Most of us "lose" when we gamble like this.

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ladydesigner

I wouldn't say anything to the husband. It is not going to help your situation in any way. I would just go NC (No Contact) with her immediately and end the affair. If she is serious about continuing a relationship with you she will get a divorce and be with you.

 

I am a MW who had an affair with xOM (he had a significant other). The xOM actually stayed with his SO and let me go. I am not sure or not whether I would have actually have ended my marriage, but that doesn't matter now. These affairs are very painful when they end especially to the one being let go. Please take care of yourself and try to forget about her. The most important thing now is to maintain a No Contact with her.

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No, no you shouldn't. There have been numerous threads along this same line and the answer is always the same. If you do that, you'd only be doing it for revenge. I totally understand feeling that way, and the H does deserve to know, but not from you.

 

Firstly, he probably won't believe you anyway. Why, afterall, should he believe a perfect stranger over the woman he's been married to and has along history with? Secondly, it makes you look like a bunny-boiler. Is there some part of you hoping that her H finding out will cause the M to end and then you can have her? It's not going to happen. You don't have to take my word for it, just read the other threads around here and you'll see that it's just not how these things go.

 

I understand that you may have some guilt now for participating in an affair that betrayed her husband. That being the case, understand that you "telling all" is only interjecting yourself further into a situation you never should have been part of in the 1st place. The only person that truly stands to get hurt by you telling is the husband, and he doesn't deserve that. Lick your wounds and walk away with some dignity. Learn from the mistake and try to move on.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting about her leading you on and lying to you. It is a risk we all took when we chose to get involved with married people. Most of us "lose" when we gamble like this.

 

He would believe me. He had some suspicions in the past, regarding her talking very often with me. I also have a lot of proof, things I know from her.

Yes, there is a bit of hope that if she is not with him, later on there might be a chance to be with me.

Thank you for your words...

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ladydesigner
later on there might be a chance to be with me.

 

I would never rely on this. You need to take care of yourself and not hopelessly wait for someone to leave their SO. YOU are what is important now. Find someone that loves only YOU.

 

What are you going to do if she declares No Contact? What if she does tell her husband what happens and still decides not to leave him, where does this leave you?

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Looking at it from a purely selfish perspective, if you "tell on her" do you REALLY think she is going to come running to you?

 

I dont think so.

 

That leaves revenge as a motive. It will NEVER make you feel good. How she deals with her marriage is her business. Sure he would want to know, but not from you and how do you know he wont punch your lights out? With no disrespect no judge or jury would blame him -

 

I wanted him to know that his w was such a snake she effed me repeatedly is not a great strategy.

 

Unless you go with true remorse in your heart and a huge apology (and even then Im not sure) I wouldnt go there.

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I would never rely on this. You need to take care of yourself and not hopelessly wait for someone to leave their SO. YOU are what is important now. Find someone that loves only YOU.

 

What are you going to do if she declares No Contact? What if she does tell her husband what happens and still decides not to leave him, where does this leave you?

 

I know, I don't really count on that. And I don't think she would declare No Contact now. I think (or like to think) that she needs me too... in a selfish way.

 

Since I was single and without hope to be with her (but madly in love) most of the time, I would keep dating (encouraged by her). I wasn't able to give myself completely to anybody, hoping that one day (since she couldn't be with me) I will be with her. On the other hand, even though she encouraged me to find the right woman, she would suffer terribly every time I would start with someone new. And she would not have the power to end it. I am trying to empathize with her too. But this time, just hoping to be with her and encouraged by her words and closeness, I was so happy to stop seeing anybody and to give myself to her completely...

 

It is not only about finding someone to love me, it's about loving that someone...

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Devil Inside

You really have to ask yourself why you would do it.

 

So, what is the real reason? Now pretend your best friend said he was in a similar situation and he was going to talk to the husband for the reason you want to...what would you advise?

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Looking at it from a purely selfish perspective, if you "tell on her" do you REALLY think she is going to come running to you?

 

I dont think so.

 

That leaves revenge as a motive. It will NEVER make you feel good. How she deals with her marriage is her business. Sure he would want to know, but not from you and how do you know he wont punch your lights out? With no disrespect no judge or jury would blame him -

 

I wanted him to know that his w was such a snake she effed me repeatedly is not a great strategy.

 

Unless you go with true remorse in your heart and a huge apology (and even then Im not sure) I wouldnt go there.

 

I understand she would not come to me, and probably she will hate me.

I don't have true remorse at this point. Just hurt.

And you are right, revenge might make me feel worse...

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ladydesigner
It is not only about finding someone to love me, it's about loving that someone...

 

This statement is what kept the affair alive for both myself and my xOM and then we both realized how could this possibly work? I thought I did have this love with my husband when I fist met him but as time and life happens we lost it along the way. Then I found it again with xOM. Was it really love? I am not sure now. My xOM ended things with me.

 

What you need to find is the love within yourself, that is what I am currently doing. There are a lot of us here who are over or still in pain from our affairs. That's why we are on LS. I hope you can find peace and healing here, it really has helped me grow stronger and learn to love myself again. The aftermath of any affair is brutal to all sides of the spectrum.

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bentnotbroken

Yes, yes tell him. You snake charmer you. Maybe you and he can compare bit marks. :rolleyes: You are no victim in this, so don't play one.

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whichwayisup

Why would you tell? You certainly had no qualms, concerns or worries about him when you started the affair. So, you want to tell out of revenge, so she will have to suffer consquences? It isn't up to you to decide that..Own your own choices, you knew she was married from the beginning..Now that it's over, you don't have a right to tell him. Sorry..

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Yes, tell him as soon as possible. He deserves the truth, where ever it comes from. She isn't going to say anything and she doesn't deserve to prosper from her infidelity. Her husband deserves honesty, and you are the one to give it to him. She is the unfaithful one and should be forced to face the person she shamed. When I was an OM, I did the same. When I walked away from the situation, I was an honest man again. JMO

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BTW, whether you are motivated by revenge, a sense of guilt, a need for justice or whatever, the honest choice is ALWAYS the best choice. By continuing to keep the truth from him, you are continuing the affair.

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whichwayisup
Yes, tell him as soon as possible. He deserves the truth, where ever it comes from. She isn't going to say anything and she doesn't deserve to prosper from her infidelity. Her husband deserves honesty, and you are the one to give it to him. She is the unfaithful one and should be forced to face the person she shamed. When I was an OM, I did the same. When I walked away from the situation, I was an honest man again. JMO

 

It isnt up the OM/OW to tell. Again, it's not like an OW or OM even consider the cheating spouse when the A begins. Thoughts of telling only occurs when things change in negative ways and/or if the A ends. It isn't up to the affair partner to spill it.

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If you end the affair and do not tell, one thing is clear, you are not IN the affair. If you end the affair and do tell, you are still not in the affair only this time you not only betrayed the unwritten rule of keeping this relationship under wraps. But you are also a scorned man. Who cares, right? she does not deserve loyalty even though you should not have been with her in the first place.....what happened to you? Got hypnotized and brainwashed by her dazzling beauty? :rolleyes:...Get on with your life....be a man and take stock of yourself!

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GorillaTheater
It isnt up the OM/OW to tell. Again, it's not like an OW or OM even consider the cheating spouse when the A begins. Thoughts of telling only occurs when things change in negative ways and/or if the A ends. It isn't up to the affair partner to spill it.

 

It doesn't matter to me who has "standing" and who doesn't. It doesn't matter to me that the OP would be telling me because he wants revenge on my wife. Putting myself in the place of the BH, I would want SOMEBODY, anybody, to get off their ass and tell me the truth.

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I really don't have a clear answer, as I would generally say don't tell.

 

I would say don't tell, because you didn't have a problem with being in the A.

 

But, given the responses of the men in this thread, it seems they would want to know. So that may the way her H feels. He might want to know too. Especially since you say that he's been suspicious of the two of you. It may be exactly what he's been wanting to know.

 

But I caution you about the thoughts that after he dumps her, you can have her. You don't want her in that condition. She's not likely to want you either. That, and neither of you is going to be likely to trust each other after you tell.

 

That's one of the unspokens about having an A with an MP: don't tell. They expect you to keep the A a secret. Loose lips, sink ships, and all.

 

But you will make your own decision whatever your motivation.

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ladydesigner
But I caution you about the thoughts that after he dumps her, you can have her. You don't want her in that condition. She's not likely to want you either. That, and neither of you is going to be likely to trust each other after you tell.

 

NID this is very good advice because the trust factor has already been violated. I never thought of that either, that if my husband dumped me I know that my xOM would not look as appealing to me as he had during the A. Very good advice.

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StoptheDrama

You have nothing to gain from telling her H. You will only cause him additional pain and add to whatever guilt you already feel. If he already suspects, then it may only be a matter of time until the truth comes out. He does deserve to know but it is not your place to tell him. You will only be continuing your involvement in their relationship. And, no matter how much you may care or have cared for her, that is not where you really want or need to be.

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Tell him. He should be informed and be able to make the decision whether he wants her around or not and that might be your only chance to having her to yourself. You both deserve each other.

 

Her husband deserves so much better though and you might be able to make that happen for him.

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You had no problem keeping it secret while you were with her.. after she told you many times that she would not leave her family.. but now that she leaves you, you want to destroy her... how low !!! :sick:

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