Reasons for Staying

[OW_WS]

My MM ended our EA today and I am not doing a good job not thinking of it. I'm not thinking awfully straight and am in a daze though. I know that by how this, the breaking off has happened before -twice by him and twice by me- and yet I can not recall with exactity the circumstances around that motives wise. I know his reasons were loosely connected to convenience topics "marrying her will be the wise financial choice" or "getting a D now will only make it terrible for the kid" while mine sounded more dramatic and poetic but at the end of the day had to do with my then partner or H (yes, this EA lasted many many years and transcended two marriages on his part and one on mine and a long relationship too.) With that said, what are the reasons that a MM or a MW decides to stay?

 

-Loving one's spouse (more I would add);

-Children /Other Family Welfare;

-Financial Impossibility.

 

At the end of the day is it not always because one or both of the following is true? Not enough love and a need for the comfort and convenience only the status quo situation can offer. I guess I'm asking about your opinion on fairy tales, don't people move mountains if the love is strong enough?

[jennie-jennie]

My MM ended our EA today and I am not doing a good job not thinking of it. I'm not thinking awfully straight and am in a daze though. I know that by how this, the breaking off has happened before -twice by him and twice by me- and yet I can not recall with exactity the circumstances around that motives wise. I know his reasons were loosely connected to convenience topics "marrying her will be the wise financial choice" or "getting a D now will only make it terrible for the kid" while mine sounded more dramatic and poetic but at the end of the day had to do with my then partner or H (yes, this EA lasted many many years and transcended two marriages on his part and one on mine and a long relationship too.) With that said, what are the reasons that a MM or a MW decides to stay?

 

-Loving one's spouse (more I would add);

-Children /Other Family Welfare;

-Financial Impossibility.

 

At the end of the day is it not always because one or both of the following is true? Not enough love and a need for the comfort and convenience only the status quo situation can offer. I guess I'm asking about your opinion on fairy tales, don't people move mountains if the love is strong enough?

 

The "comfort and convenience only the status quo situation can offer" factor is huge in my opinion. Women move mountains if the love is strong enough. I have had to learn the hard way that men don't.

[OW_WS]

Normally I'd fight tooth and nail against a women vs. men generalization, particularly because I am so atypical and do thing "the way guys do" but in this specific case I think you're on to something.

 

I have certainly met/read about many more women taking the plunge for love than men.

 

I know I would have. This time around not as easily but when we first started definitely. It was one of the reasons to expedite my D and even though it would have been a true logistics nightmare with how many people depend on my status quo I would have definitely uprooted all these people and myself for him back then.

[Devil Inside]

Normally I'd fight tooth and nail against a women vs. men generalization, particularly because I am so atypical and do thing "the way guys do" but in this specific case I think you're on to something.

 

I have certainly met/read about many more women taking the plunge for love than men.

 

I know I would have. This time around not as easily but when we first started definitely. It was one of the reasons to expedite my D and even though it would have been a true logistics nightmare with how many people depend on my status quo I would have definitely uprooted all these people and myself for him back then.

 

 

I stayed. For a combination of the reasons you listed. In the end I think that the thought of going through all the changes and having the relationship not work out were a risk too great to take...I don't know if I would ever forgive myself for giving up on my marriage and being a full time dad if we...like the overwhelming majority of Rs that start as As...didn't make it. Sometimes love is not enough.

 

As for the gender difference...you could be right. I know one thing my xOW never understood was why I was not willing to go through a D and custody battle when she was willing to do it...and move to my state. Not sure on that one...but would like to hear from a MM that did leave for his OW and it worked out.

[fooled once]

Some men DO move mountains for the women they love.

 

Some don't.

 

Same thing with women.

 

I am a believer in "if he loved you he would be with you". You can throw in all the negatives of "he feels a duty to her <obviously not that big of a duty if he slept around on her>", "he has kids <believe it or not, many people who divorce have kids>", "divorce costs money and he will lose so much of his hard earned money on that cold, stay at home mean wife <lol - many states have guidelines on how much c/s and how much alimony can be awarded>"

 

Many cheaters don't divorce because:

 

They really do love their spouse

They really enjoy the family they have

They just don't want the drama/hassle of a divorce

They prefer affairs because there is no commitment per say

 

 

They just enjoy the thrill of the hunt and chase.

 

Some men/women DO leave their spouse for the OM/OW -- and few survive. Many don't. Many men blame the OW for the fall out (alimony, c/s, 401k, families hating them for what they did) because it is easier to do that than to OWN their own mistakes.

 

But I stand by my belief of:

 

if they loved you enough, they WOULD move mountains to be with you. They will divorce, they will pay alimony, they will give up 1/2 of their 401k. It is only money. C/S ends, alimony could end and 401k's can be rebuilt up. There really is nothing that can't be recooped. But they don't want the hassle of going through it all. Their affair partner just isn't worth the hassle.

[tami-chan]

As a BS, I stayed because I was very young and had defied my parents to marry him. I also didn't finish school yet and my baby was so young.

 

Many,many years after, as an OW, I stayed because I was not ready to explain to my daughter the "state of the union". And I did not have a need to disrupt the status quo. But I also knew if D-day came, I could afford to lose my H and OM and neither would impact my life greatly.

[GreenEyedLady]

But I also knew if D-day came, I could afford to lose my H and OM and neither would impact my life greatly.

 

How incredibly sad.

[tami-chan]

How incredibly sad.

 

Oh, I didn't mean to make you incredibly sad. I'm not. .

[GreenEyedLady]

Oh, I didn't mean to make you incredibly sad. I'm not. .

 

I think you probably are. Anyone who can express the feelings you have usually has had an incredible amount of hurt in their life and close themselves off so they don't feel it ever again.

[Dexter Morgan]

As for the gender difference...you could be right. I know one thing my xOW never understood was why I was not willing to go through a D and custody battle when she was willing to do it

 

well of course women are more willing to do it. as the woman, they have the advantage of getting custody and unless the father can prove beyond a doubt that the mother is unfit, the father will lose custody if the mother wants it.

 

and unfortunately, no, being an adulteress is not seen as unfit in the eyes of the court. they don't care if someone unscrupulous is raising the kids.

[tami-chan]

I think you probably are. Anyone who can express the feelings you have usually has had an incredible amount of hurt in their life and close themselves off so they don't feel it ever again.

 

Uh...ok... I think you probably misunderstood me. The fact the I knew I can "afford" to lose them does not in no way mean, it didn't hurt when I formally ended it up with them (xOM in Feb, STBXH, few weeks ago). Why did it hurt? because I had ( still do) feelings for both of them. But I am not interestd in "fighting" for my man/relationship. Not interested in the little game of "confused therefore can't decide",either. And like everything else in life, one can choose to not be sad.