My Story

[lostndiego]

My Story

I am a MM. Like so many I met my MW on an internet website. We were both married, lonely, and felt alone. Mutual need. And since I am really picky, I did not see an A as happening. I am in a different city from my MW. I thought this would be a wise move on my part. I could keep both lives ‘compartmentalized’.

 

Like so many things, what was SUPPOSED to be NSA sex turned into something else. We fell for each other.

 

My MW left her husband and got a divorce early this year. Not on my account. There were problems there WAY before me. I was supportive of her, her decisions, the things she was doing in her life. We would IM daily.

 

Since my OW lives in a different city, I have not seen her as often as I have wanted. I have felt guily that I am taking up her time now when she should be getting on with her life. But I have felt somewhat ‘addicted’ to her. And I think she would say the same if asked. She is the best lover I have EVER had. And not because it is ‘forbidden fruit’. She is truly that good.

 

The A is something I really don’t want to end. But I need to end this A, for BOTH of us. I do love her, just not the way I need to for HER. And I just can’t leave where I am today. For many reasons. I saw some of the posts with regard to ‘ending it’ over email and NC. I can not do it that way. Our times together were meaningful. I felt she was my FRIEND as much as my lover. This has to be done in person. I would not end a friendship over email.

 

But today I feel souless, hollow and lost. I feel like almost constantly crying. Partially for the loss of this person. It does not matter that I know has to be done. Partially for doing this to my W. And partially for getting myself into this situation. Even if it was by my own choice. I am sorry for EVERYTHING. I do not think I have ever been so distraught.

 

Telling my W of the A will do nothing productive. I may feel better by ‘confessing’, but then I burden my W with my confession. And she is not a priest, but a human being. I will have to live in silence about what I have done. I will confess to God alone.

 

Most days I wrap myself in things such as work to occupy my mind. Usually it works. But the day is coming closer that I will see my OW. And I know I am weak. If the OW wants me, I will not just go willingly. I will RUN willingly. But then I know it will have to end.

 

Contact vs. Non-contact: I think I can be an IM friend to the OW. As long as we both KNOW there is no longer any sex involved. What many people don’t understand is that it is WAY more than just sex that is SOMETIMES shared. You know what is going on with them. The challenges that are in our lives we have shared. It isn’t just sex.

[MistyK]

My Story

I am a MM. Like so many I met my MW on an internet website. We were both married, lonely, and felt alone. Mutual need. And since I am really picky, I did not see an A as happening. I am in a different city from my MW. I thought this would be a wise move on my part. I could keep both lives ‘compartmentalized’.

 

Sounds to me like you were looking for an affair. It didn't just "happen". You sought it out, why? And what happened to make you want to end it - did something happen (pressure from the OW, suspicions from your W, sudden attack of conscience, etc.)?

 

The A is something I really don’t want to end. But I need to end this A, for BOTH of us. I do love her, just not the way I need to for HER. And I just can’t leave where I am today. For many reasons.

 

What does this mean? You love her but don't want to be with her? Does she know your reasons for staying? What are your reasons for staying?

 

Contact vs. Non-contact: I think I can be an IM friend to the OW. As long as we both KNOW there is no longer any sex involved. What many people don’t understand is that it is WAY more than just sex that is SOMETIMES shared. You know what is going on with them. The challenges that are in our lives we have shared. It isn’t just sex.

 

If you want to work on your M, though noticeably you are NOT saying that, you have to go NC. If you are trying to set the OW free because you can't give her what she deserves, you can't do it half-a**ed. It won't allow her to heal. Maintaining any contact is just to ease the pain for you so that you aren't giving as much up.

[Devil Inside]

Hey man...I know the spot you're in...kind of.

 

I say you go full NC. You cannot have any ties to this woman or you will never end the A. It seems that you want to end the A...right? So NC is the only way to go. Yes it hurts to lose the friendship...but changed once you made it physical.

 

Good luck...I know it is agonizing.

[jwi71]

IF you do NOT face "whatever" it is with YOU or YOUR M...NOTHING will change.

Why did you have an A? What is left unfulfilled in your life that the OW satisfies?

 

Because walking away from your OW does NOTHING to address that. And since you haven't addressed it, it will simply reappear...maybe as another OW or maybe as a continual longing for the one you are saying goodbye to. Change yourself or nothing changes.

 

And, you MUST go NC...NEVER EVER contact her again. Failure to do so only leads to a deeper pit than the one you are in now...

[OW_WS]

I can't believe I write this today, on the day the so-called love-of-my-life, my EA AP broke it off but irony aside I agree with Devil_Inside. IM will only transfer the A to EA instead of PA and it will not make a bit of a difference in the long run, you'll still be IN it so NC is the only way to go.

 

Someone asked before but what are your reasons for staying?

[Gamine]

If it is indeed your choice to end it and not to ever tell your wife then continuing with contact IM or otherwise is unwise. Why leave breadcrumbs, because while you may not want to tell your wife... she may find out nonetheless. Continued contact may very well result in her finding out the very thing you wish to conceal from her.

 

You may, hopefully, reconsider telling your wife. You may also get into therapy to uncover what you are searching for. Usually what is unfulfilled in a relationship is actually nothing more than a mirror for what is unfulfilled internally within ourselves.

[GreenEyedLady]

Contact vs. Non-contact: I think I can be an IM friend to the OW. As long as we both KNOW there is no longer any sex involved.

 

Can I be frank here?

 

You are selfish.

 

Your OW doesn't want an IM friend, she wants a partner.

 

Your staying in contact with her satisfies YOUR need for contact yet doesn't allow her to heal.

 

GEL

[NoIDidn't]

lostndiego

 

I feel for you, but I agree with Devil's and GEL. If you need to end it, end it totally. There is no need for her being an IM friend. The very reasons behind your meeting mean that she will be a continued threat to your marriage - the one you plan to suffer in in silence.

 

And, not to mention, the fact that you intend to continue IM'ing with her, opens you up to the very real possibility that your W will find out. People get careless with this technology. And it leaves a huge footprint. Believe me, I am a professional snoop, I know what I am talking about here.

 

There is a huge influx of MP in affairs with other MP that met via the internet. This is a very interesting phenomenon to me.

[lostndiego]

lostndiego

 

I feel for you, but I agree with Devil's and GEL. If you need to end it, end it totally. There is no need for her being an IM friend. The very reasons behind your meeting mean that she will be a continued threat to your marriage - the one you plan to suffer in in silence.

 

And, not to mention, the fact that you intend to continue IM'ing with her, opens you up to the very real possibility that your W will find out. People get careless with this technology. And it leaves a huge footprint. Believe me, I am a professional snoop, I know what I am talking about here.

 

There is a huge influx of MP in affairs with other MP that met via the internet. This is a very interesting phenomenon to me.

 

 

TY NO & others. I didn't realize NC was such a big deal. But it is obviously the way to go. I understand why now.

 

TY