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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

There’s a chocolate shortage, so I settle for other flavors because they're better than nothing. Then I find I can have chocolate if I don't mind eating only the little chocolate shavings but never getting the whole bar. But I still dream of it and all but give up hope of ever having it permanently in my life.

 

Then I decide I am ready to look for that chocolate bar again and again I find another flavour that maybe I can live with. It might even be better for me, healthier too, and as soon as I say, yeah I’m going to go with this, then the very next day a chocolate bar is put in front of me.

 

I had an awesome weekend camping with a new single male friend and our kids who go to school together. I came back to work today to find out MM and his wife are ending it. He has his bags packed, and he told her everything, and he’s still in love with me.

 

Now I’m wondering if my feelings have changed or if I buried them and convinced myself I’m ready to move on. I know I have to do what is right for me, not only for me, but for the kids. I don’t want to run from both situations because I know that I want to be in one of them.

 

Our biggest fear in all this was that I would move on one day too soon, and he would leave her one day too late. Did I move on because I knew his day was coming and I subconsciously knew it wasn't meant to be? He even told me last week that if I jumped into something "next week" we would both know it wasn't meant to be for us. Did I do this knowing I was sabotaging things with the MM?

 

The new single father is a really amazing person. We have seen each other every day for the last week. I am worried that I won't measure up but maybe these are the behaviours I need to change in myself. Maybe he needs a woman like me and I need a man like him? I want to say all the great things about him. But the hotness factor is not there and he has a disability that I wonder if eventually it will be an issue? It is not an issue today. In fact I find I am more attracted to him each time I see him.

 

I normally don't worry what other people think, yet with him, I worry a bit about doing some of the social things I normally do, and what people will say. People can be rude. He has been called retarded yet he is a respected member of the community and his church, has a graduate degree, has full custody of his children, and is very romantic and knows what a woman wants. He has saved several marriages doing counselling, and I have told him about my MM.

 

I know ... I know... I know.... I should give this a chance but I need to make sure I can be in this R and still work with MM. Maybe new guy will decide I am not the one for him. Or is that's my self-sabotage and low self-value speaking again?

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Yikes. What a pickle. Here's my thoughts: You owe MM nothing. And I can promise you that having his bags packed is different than being seperated, and that the hell really begins at seperation. Honestly, I'd explore things with the new guy while MM sorts out his D (trust me when I say you don't want to be anywhere NEAR that situation until things calm down and get finalized). If MM really is now determined to make things right with you, let him show you that he's made it right first. You waited long enough for him and you don't need to hold his hand through this. Tough beans if he has to wait awhile for you while he sorts his mess out. Let him do it, by himself and see how you feel about him and the new guy when it's all done. Maybe it works out with new guy and MM is old news by then. Maybe it peters out with new guy and MM is finally available. Either way, you win.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

I know that's exactly how it should work. But am I be being fair to the new guy? I will tell him exactly what is going on and then let him decide if he still wants to pursue things with me, I told him he will have to be patient. Although, we admitted yesterday that we appear to have "jumped in".

 

He does marriage counselling, and I do trust him, but also fear he may tell me things for his own benefit rather than mine. That is my fear, I don't think he would do that. But he also doesn't know my MM (I'm so pathetic).

 

MM did tell me this morning that if I have moved on, that's fine. He understands. It was more of a sigh..."that's fine" but I know he is hurting. He thinks we already jumped in even though I distanced myself while he sorted out what he wanted to do with his M.

 

Do you think the fact that I decided to put myself out there again gave him the kick in the arse that he needed? Do you think that I did it because I feared being in a R with him? Do I just like to force drama? My stomach is in a knot. I hate hurting people. What if MM and I are one of the 1% and this is something we have to try?

 

I know the new guy would be most understanding, but..... our kids are great friends and this weekend they were all giggly and I overheard his girl say "I have a funny feeling you'll be my big brother very soon". But I know I can't pursue something with new guy just because it will make our kids happy. I need to be happy too. This new guy is the type who will go out of his way to make me happy, even though it's not his job, it's my job to make me happy. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.

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I know that's exactly how it should work. But am I be being fair to the new guy? I will tell him exactly what is going on and then let him decide if he still wants to pursue things with me, I told him he will have to be patient. Although, we admitted yesterday that we appear to have "jumped in".

 

Sounds fair. You haven't been out the R with MM that long and surely he understood that you were still hurting about that if you told him everything. How long have you known each other? This does seem kinda fast.

 

He does marriage counselling, and I do trust him, but also fear he may tell me things for his own benefit rather than mine. That is my fear, I don't think he would do that. But he also doesn't know my MM (I'm so pathetic).

 

I must be reading this wrong. Surely you aren't thinking about asking the new guy for advice about MM?

 

MM did tell me this morning that if I have moved on, that's fine. He understands. It was more of a sigh..."that's fine" but I know he is hurting. He thinks we already jumped in even though I distanced myself while he sorted out what he wanted to do with his M.

 

So MM is under the impression that you are back with him?

 

Do you think the fact that I decided to put myself out there again gave him the kick in the arse that he needed?

 

Maybe. It's way too soon to tell. He hasn't done ANYTHING yet. It's still talk. Where's the new apartment? Where's the divorce filing?

 

Do you think that I did it because I feared being in a R with him?

 

No, I think you were trying to stop hurting. But there may be an element of fear of being with him. You KNOW he is a liar and a cheat, who wouldn't be afraid?

 

Do I just like to force drama?

 

You gave yourself the space you needed and maybe he got a clue. There was no manipulative expectation on your part that he would change anything about his M, so relax.

 

My stomach is in a knot. I hate hurting people. What if MM and I are one of the 1% and this is something we have to try?

 

If it's going to bother you wondering "what-if" then you can find out, but it needs to be on YOUR terms. He still isn't available. He hasn't done anything. Let him put forth actions first. Honestly, I suugest you wait until the D is final though - only because you'll be torturing yourself with fear that he'll go back until then. But, if you're feeling pretty secure, maybe moving out and filing for D is enough for you.

 

I know the new guy would be most understanding, but..... our kids are great friends and this weekend they were all giggly and I overheard his girl say "I have a funny feeling you'll be my big brother very soon". But I know I can't pursue something with new guy just because it will make our kids happy. I need to be happy too. This new guy is the type who will go out of his way to make me happy, even though it's not his job, it's my job to make me happy. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think. I need to think.

 

Is this guy a rebound for you? You don't sound that into him.

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MWC ANY new relationship is a risk. You never know where it will go. It can be all hearts and flowers at the beginning and 3 months in it can go off track.

 

You need to give this a chance on its own merits if you can.

 

And MM as a back up plan? PULEEZE... (yes that is what it sounds like).

 

Have you ever been alone? You dont need to keep various men on the boil (sorry if that sounds harsh but that is how it comes across).

 

MM is in marriage counseling - what does he mean he understands if you have moved on. What are you supposed to do, knit until he decides what to do?

 

Of course you are trying to move on. YOU MUST. HE may never leave.

 

So you tell him that while he is deciding you need to move on. If its fated it will be. But you cant be his back up plan (which you are if he is working on his M and hoping you will wait to see if he needs you as a back up if the M doesnt work out).

 

How dare he!!! Understandable that in MMs perfect world you would knit patiently but of course you cant.

 

So you need to man up as they say. Tell MM you need to try to move on as he is married and still married and still in MC and not single or available.

 

And you need to try to keep your spirits up and see where things go with the new guy.

 

Yes he may have a disability yes it may be a problem in the future and you could meet an athelet in perfect shape and he could be in a car accident and become paralyzed. You only have today. Nothing else is guaranteed. Live it well and live it in a way you can be proud of.

 

And be proud of yourself for going out and meeting someone new.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40
MWC ANY new relationship is a risk. You never know where it will go. It can be all hearts and flowers at the beginning and 3 months in it can go off track.

 

This is exactly what the new guy says.

 

MM is in marriage counseling - what does he mean he understands if you have moved on. What are you supposed to do, knit until he decides what to do?

 

So you need to man up as they say. Tell MM you need to try to move on as he is married and still married and still in MC and not single or available.

 

And you need to try to keep your spirits up and see where things go with the new guy.

 

Yes he may have a disability yes it may be a problem in the future and you could meet an athelet in perfect shape and he could be in a car accident and become paralyzed. You only have today. Nothing else is guaranteed. Live it well and live it in a way you can be proud of.

 

And be proud of yourself for going out and meeting someone new.

 

No, MM is not in MC. They went a couple of times a couple months ago, and he has gone for IC.

 

Misty:

You haven't been out the R with MM that long and surely he understood that you were still hurting about that if you told him everything. How long have you known each other? This does seem kinda fast.

 

I have seen him at school functions but never really talked to him. His son and my daughter are best friends at school and on msn. I "met" him on a dating site a week ago, and we went for coffee one night already knowing who we were, went again the next night and then took our kids for a treat and "pretended" to bump into them at the store. But, the kids were on msn and figured us out. It was actually pretty funny, they were so giggly knowing we schemed it, and they were thinking they were so smart to figure us out. He invited us out to his camp and it was alot of fun. It felt like we were one big family, and there were definite sparks there.

 

I must be reading this wrong. Surely you aren't thinking about asking the new guy for advice about MM?

 

Oh no no no, we have been talking about relationships, and he has told me stories of some counselling he has done, but one thing that bothered me is he said "this man is emotionally abusing you" and he says that because the MM is my boss and because of how he is treating his W.

 

You gave yourself the space you needed and maybe he got a clue. There was no manipulative expectation on your part that he would change anything about his M, so relax.

 

Thank you. This is the kind of reassurance I need.

 

Is this guy a rebound for you? You don't sound that into him.

 

I said this to him, as one of my fears. I told him I want to take things slowly, start out as friends, for the kids' sake and to be sure that he is not just a transition for me. He thought there was nothing wrong with jumping in, and me with my lack of self-control, jumped in head first.

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He thought there was nothing wrong with jumping in, and me with my lack of self-control, jumped in head first.

 

What does this mean? That you slept with him?

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He has his bags packed, and he told her everything, and he’s still in love with me.

 

:lmao:

 

I quoted this to hopefully get you to see what you wrote...

 

You do realize that you just got fed a line from the MM ?, Right ?. I thought you were better than this MWC.. just divorced and moving on with your life, not just divorced and putting yourself back on the MM battlefield.. on thing is for sure.. the tug of war hasn't even started yet.. you will feel like a yoyo when he is done with you.

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MWC_LifeBeginsAt40

You guys are good!

 

No, I did not sleep with the new guy. He is the most amazing father to his kids and has extremely high moral values. There was some "making out" and a few body parts shown and touched. Hey, we were at the beach and I was in a bikini. He was a little more touchy feely than I expected though. Did that bother me? Yeah a bit.

 

The MM, he did leave. His packed bags are in the car and he is going to stay at a hotel until she finds a new house and he can move back into theirs. Yep, that could take months, and he could go back. She said she was going to show up here at work and punch me in the face. Did I mention he stands to lose 1/4 million$? Prob didn't because that hasn't been a factor.

 

I don't want to be a yo-yo. I am going to tell MM what Misty said in her first post without giving him any hope for a future. I told MM my feelings have changed. He said "so you don't love me anymore" and I said I still love you but that's not what it's about. My feelings have changed in the sense that alot of what I was feeling in Feb/Mar, the highs, the dreams, have died. I still love my exH, and I still love you, but it's not about that. It's about what I think is right for me, and for my kids, in the future. That's when he said "fine".

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I don't know if this helps, but the rule of thumb is ONE YEAR; in one year, if you still have strong, or stronger feelings to the single dad, commit to him if it is mutual.

 

If in one year, your MM is in a place that he is free to commit and you still have strong, or stronger feelings for him, commit to him.

 

One year is a long time to be exclusive with anyone following a divorce, death, sale of a house, or any stressful, life altering event.

 

If you still feel the same feelings, or have the same decision, etc. in one year as you do today, than act on it.

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The MM, he did leave. His packed bags are in the car and he is going to stay at a hotel until she finds a new house and he can move back into theirs. Yep, that could take months, and he could go back. She said she was going to show up here at work and punch me in the face. Did I mention he stands to lose 1/4 million$? Prob didn't because that hasn't been a factor.

 

A motel? Ugh. That's a lot of wasted money when he could be renting an apartment instead. Why do you suppose he chose a motel? Looks to me like he wants the ability to go back home at the drop of a hat. I wouldn't trust that for a nanosecond.

 

1/4 million? Is that the price he put on your relationship, on doing the right thing for everyone? Ugh. I hate hearing the money excuse. It cheapens everything.

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If he just left, how does he have full custody of his kids? That doesn't make any sense.

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If he just left' date=' how does he have full custody of his kids? That doesn't make any sense.[/quote']

 

She was referring to the new guy, not MM.

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If he just left' date=' how does he have full custody of his kids? That doesn't make any sense.[/quote']

 

The MM has no kids. The new guy has his kids.

 

Know what Misty? I was thinking how the new guy is a wonderful person and gives his whole self and more to everyone and everything around him. He hated it when I said I didn't think I was good enough.

 

I told MM that alot of guys who pay attention to me don't see past my looks, my being a good mom, my dedication to my job, and my "fame" if that's what you want to call it (I have one LOL). I worry that once they see past that, they will reject me. I told MM I can be selfish (he said so can I). I told him I like material things (he said so do I). We also agreed that material things aren't important but what is wrong with wanting to have that along with a great loving relationship?

 

The money wasn't a factor in his decision. It is something he worried about of course, but the way I see it, it was always split between two people. Their income and assets, and debts for that matter were shared. Now they split, it is still shared. he gets his half, she gets her half. I don't know what the big deal is. He loses nothing financially because it wasn't all HIS to begin with. Maybe this is a separate discussion, but just my pov.

 

I emailed new guy saying that we need to talk and told him what happened. He may very well decide to run. I hope not. I want to pursue this with him but I need him to be patient while I struggle with my feelings.

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MWC I dont want to be snide (and this will sound snide) but if he only stands to lose $250,000 in the divorce, then he is not a man with a lot of money or not more than his W. So the money isnt a factor.

 

So hes left. If he left and you are in love with him, then what is the issue? Is it that he left too late and you now beleive you may have feelings for the new person?

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She was referring to the new guy, not MM.

 

Ah ha! That makes more sense. Talking about two different people.

 

MWC do you have to have a man in your life? It doesn't seem like you are taking enough time between these relationships to really learn and grow from them.

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MM: "I told my wife everything and packed my bags and left her!"

Reality: "My wife found out about you and I and kicked me out....."

 

Some men's egos do not allow them to admit being a dumpee

 

he's lookin' for a warm body and a caring soul right now to lick his wounds. He expects that someone will be you.

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So hes left. If he left and you are in love with him, then what is the issue? Is it that he left too late and you now beleive you may have feelings for the new person?

 

Yes. and No. There is so much more to it than that, and you know that it's not as simple.

 

I stopped believing he would ever really leave. Maybe I listened to too many people on LS (j/k I do appreciate all the help).

 

He tried to make his choice to leave (or to get her to leave) without having me in the equation. I actually was offended that I wasn't the reason he would leave, meaning that possibly he didn't love me enough to leave her for me. Does that make sense? He stayed and treated her like crap and hurt me in the process.

 

I feel bad that last week he reconfirmed that his biggest fear was losing me (he said that in Feb) and now feared he would leave her one day too late, and I would move on one day too soon. Well, yeah that is what has happened.

 

The plan to end the affair, and then wait and see how things pan out, and then start something new, would all be decided at the end of summer. I didn't wait. Why didn't I wait? Maybe deep down I knew he wasn't right for me and was too afraid to tell him my honest feelings because he was already going through a hard time with his own feelings.

 

I don't think I led the new guy on. I was honest about my feelings for the MM. People have said I don't wait long enough between R's, but I was lonely and waiting all summer. I did not go out. I did not date. I did not have a good summer. I am ready to be with someone, and I met a wonderful man and would like to pursue something with him.

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The plan to end the affair, and then wait and see how things pan out, and then start something new, would all be decided at the end of summer. I didn't wait. Why didn't I wait? Maybe deep down I knew he wasn't right for me and was too afraid to tell him my honest feelings because he was already going through a hard time with his own feelings.

 

Firstly, he had no right to ask you to wait one more second. While he was still there playing house with his W you were supposed to be at home in your chastity belt lighting candles for him, really? He took the risk of losing you by choosing to screw around for months. And he has not filed yet, and he's in a hotel. He hasn't had visits with his kids, hasn't signed a lease, nothing to indicate this wasn't just a fishing expedition to see if you'll bite and give him more time. (not unlike my MM's stunt of moving out for 3 days months before he actually moved out).

 

Secondly, maybe you did self-sabotage it. But what's wrong with that? Will you ever really be able to trust this guy? You have so much baggage from the A and wouldn't it be so much nicer to start from scratch with someone new that you don't have a painful history with?

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His packed bags are in the car and he is going to stay at a hotel until she finds a new house and he can move back into theirs.

 

If this all wasn't a big 'ole line to get you back hooked then why tell you all this within hours of him packing his bags ?

 

If he was being real then chances are he wouldn't have told you that they separated until he was in a new place and some things were less volatile..

 

He is playing you... and in the balance was a nice new single guy that you are blowing a chance with over some stinking MM that hasn't yet even considered you..

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MM wants to talk some more.

 

New guy... I hope he doesn't run, and I hope he will see me tonight to talk.

 

Even if new guy runs, I will not be MM's transition girl and I need to tell him that.

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I just poured my heart out to my best female friend in an email. Now I am having an anxiety attack. My heart is racing in my chest and I am short of breath.

 

Here is what I said to her. I think it clearly states where I want to go :)

 

Newguy is amazing and invited us out Sept long weekend. MM is still nowhere near where he needs to be to get into any kind of relationship. I can’t be his “transition” girl, and can’t hold his hand through this. He has to get through this on his own, and believe me, I think his hell is only just beginning. His wife wants to come and punch me in the face (not that I blame her). MM wants me to talk to him some more today. I want to talk to Newguy tonight too, and tell him that I want to pursue a relationship with him, as we already discussed, but make sure he knows I need to deal with my struggles about MM, and hopefully I won’t scare Newguy away. I also asked Newguy if he will be okay with me still working with MM.

 

Today my kids are at Newguy's playing with his kids. He is at my place mowing my lawn! His ex-wife abandoned the kids on more than one occasion, called his kids....<insert derogatory stuff here>. She did a number on him too. I just keep learning new and great things about him. He tells me all the things he gets involved in (volunteering, etc), and before I met him I thought he must be full of himself, but it is the total opposite. He gives everything and more of himself to everyone. He wouldn’t even let me help with dishes and he did all the cooking. He felt so horrible at one point, while he was <helping someone with something>, and I was watching the kids, and my daughter said she was bored, he felt he failed us and couldn’t stop apologizing. He also kept hugging and kissing everyone, and his kids gave me the biggest warmest hugs ever! LOL

 

He is very good with the kids, and also being involved in his church is important to him. He has a tummy, but is muscular elsewhere (legs, butt haha) and has lost the weight he gained after the divorce, but is active, walks x miles a day and is HERE in <my small town>! : ) His <disability> is not an issue for me. I would have to make only minor adjustments, but nothing huge… <described one adjustment here>. He kept saying “Mom and I” when we were talking to the kids, it was so great.

 

I don’t care that he looks ten years older than me and is a year younger. I don’t care that people might wonder what I’m doing with him. I can see “us” … but I could also see myself with almost every one of the last several guys I’ve dated…. Soooooooo after talking to Newguy tonight I will tell him to slow down a bit for me : ) I told him I want to also make sure he is not just my transition guy.

 

Sorry, I just feel better getting all that out. It helps keep me in reality. My hopes and dreams with MM died last June, even though we still carried on a little through summer. Do I still love MM? Of course. I still love exH too in some ways. But that isn’t enough. This is my life, and my kids lives I need to look at.

 

I should write a book.

 

clear as mud eh?

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