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I know it doesnt matter what he is thinking, I need to soldier on and get on with my life BUT

 

though I have limited my communications with xMM as much as possible, when we do communicate everything escalates into an argument. The simplest thing (where should we take the client for lunch) turns into WWIII.

 

And yet he continues to contact me, with no real reason although to someone who didnt know the history between us, it looks like a normal thing as between colleagues so its difficult to call him on it. When I do he tells me I am crazy.

 

I know I have to just ignore him but its gotten to me to the point that I feel like I am going crazy.

 

Suggestions?

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For some, negative attention is better than no attention. As well, when you react, he gets pleasure from it without taking any responsibility for his childish behaviour.

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I know it doesnt matter what he is thinking, I need to soldier on and get on with my life BUT

 

though I have limited my communications with xMM as much as possible, when we do communicate everything escalates into an argument. The simplest thing (where should we take the client for lunch) turns into WWIII.

 

And yet he continues to contact me, with no real reason although to someone who didnt know the history between us, it looks like a normal thing as between colleagues so its difficult to call him on it. When I do he tells me I am crazy.

 

I know I have to just ignore him but its gotten to me to the point that I feel like I am going crazy.

 

Suggestions?

 

What is that saying "you get more flies with honey" or something like that....

 

I would just let him make decisions UNLESS it would really make a difference. Defer to him. He wants to fight with you. He wants to get a reaction out of you. He doesn't like that you aren't sitting crying all day about him. He is trying to push your buttons.

 

I am so sorry you have to continue to deal with him even with the work stuff. But I just think he wants to have contact with you - and even if it means arguing, it is still contact.

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Any chance you can be the one to end the arguments before they get too far? Like shrug, say "ok fine we'll do it that way." If he starts picking at you as though you are being passive aggressive, just reply "I have no interest in getting into an argument or debate about this." and end the discussion.

 

I agree that I think he's looking to get you riled up, and my thinking is the less of that you can supply to him, the better.

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Im trying. Sometimes he drives me to distraction and I just blow up. He pushes and pushes and pushes until he finally gets a reaction out of me. Or that is what it feels like. Then he acts like I am insane for not being placid about the whole thing.

 

Each time it happens I tell myself in the future I wont respond.

 

I just dont know why he continues. I have begged him reduced to hysterical sobbing please please lets just cut contact and its like I never said anything.

 

Im at my wits end. Its a major distraction. And nothing I say to him makes a difference. He doesnt seem to care. He will back off and when we communicate again he seems to think that because I am civil and polite that it gives him permission to overstep the boundaries.

 

What happened to the old when you break up with someone if you have to be in contact with them you are extra polite and respect boundaries?

 

I guess its the nature of an MM. They obviously dont respect traditional boundaries and etiquette in any area of their lives.

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LOL... it may not be MM specific but its true in this case, narcissistic arrogant, self serving, manipulative, calculating combative .... the list goes on and on.

 

And now that is the ONLY side I see of him. The nice caring warm man I used to know has been replaced by his worst self. And hes taking out his anger at the way the situation turned out on me.

 

Why doesnt he just find a new OW? He handsome charming etc etc there are many women who would jump at the chance, at least for awhile.

 

Now I understand why his W doesnt care. It must have gotten so tiring that it drove her away. And now hes left with the shell of their marriage. Well that is NOT my problem.

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StoptheDrama
LOL... it may not be MM specific but its true in this case, narcissistic arrogant, self serving, manipulative, calculating combative .... the list goes on and on.

 

And now that is the ONLY side I see of him. The nice caring warm man I used to know has been replaced by his worst self. And hes taking out his anger at the way the situation turned out on me.

 

Why doesnt he just find a new OW? He handsome charming etc etc there are many women who would jump at the chance, at least for awhile.

 

Now I understand why his W doesnt care. It must have gotten so tiring that it drove her away. And now hes left with the shell of their marriage. Well that is NOT my problem.

 

JJ- I really don't think another OW would make any difference...the point is, he doesn't have YOU any longer. YOU ended the A. YOU are no longer his lover, at his beck and call... This is about his loss and what YOU took from him...

 

Sometimes our situations parallel so often, I wonder if we're not dealing with the same xMM ;) ... and then he tells you that you are being argumentative, right? When he's the one provoking you... ugh...

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The thing is Stop you recently ended your relatoniship. This has been over for over 2 years. I mean WTF? At what point does he either acknowledge that the behavior has something to do with the fact that we once had an A or get bored and stop it.

 

But to continue to gaslight me. Its really bewildering.

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StoptheDrama
The thing is Stop you recently ended your relatoniship. This has been over for over 2 years. I mean WTF? At what point does he either acknowledge that the behavior has something to do with the fact that we once had an A or get bored and stop it.

 

But to continue to gaslight me. Its really bewildering.

 

JJ - it really doesn't seem that time is a factor with him especially since you've had professional contact with him the whole time...it could have happened yesterday, a month ago, much less 2 years ago...YOU still hurt him and that is all he (apparently) sees and feels. YOU left him; YOU deprived him of something in which he took great pleasure...I venture to guess that he feels that his behavior is justified as he has (apparently) pigeon holed you as the bad person...just my opinion...I imagine this behavior will continue until you can either call him on it in a manner in which it can be openly discussed or you don't have to deal with him any longer...seems to me he is still quite obsessed and will remain so...again, just my opinion

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Oh JJ33 :( I absolutely agree with TBF, he's a really nasty piece of work. I honestly don't see the situation changing whilst you still are in contact, even if its only in a professional capacity.

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JJ, it may be that he's simply narcissistic, and doesn't like the fact that you're not catering to him any longer.

 

For someone like that, how long it's been over has nothing to do with it. The simple fact that you're not bowing to his every suggestion (work related or otherwise) is what causes him to be snarky...he's looking for ways to "get back at you" for ending the affair on your terms, and not doing what HE wanted.

 

With that said, the bad news is that there's no real way out of it without completely removing him from your life. I don't see a solution for this situation, given what you've described of your career that forces continued contact with him.

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Well I cant not be in contact professionally. So I guess I just have to toughen up and ignore everything that is not essential to keeping the customers happy and well serviced.

 

It just gets to me sometimes. And its so unecessary.

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Great response but it would be inappropriate and considered to be unprofessional. Much as Id love to, I think I need to just be polite and keep things as calm and quiet as possible. He is behaving again so fingers crossed that he has gotten the message.

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Sure I could close down my company, retrain in a new field... no thats not a realistic option. The thing is when you have existing customers that deal with both companies, you cant just not respond where a customers business is concerned.

 

What would I say? I dont like him anymore hes mean to me so I want you to change your service provider.

 

Sorry Torrance am not making fun, its just uhhhh! I have tried everything. I am making strides. I am less reactive and seeing it for what it is.

 

I just dont see what HE gets out of it. People only act in ways that do something for them. And I cant believe this does much for him. The only thing that makes any sense is that part of it is a power trip. If I say can you please do it in blue he says no what about green. I say no I need this in blue, he says no green is better. Why dont you see green is better, you will like green... And the emails go back and forth and back and forth.

 

Hes playing out the male female control dynamic on work issues. of course he doesnt see it or if he does would never admit it.

 

But its useful to discuss it with all of you because it makes it clearer to me that I am not a lunatic for getting upset but that I cant let it get to me.

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JJ I am sorry this dude is still messin' with your head. Frankly he sounds more like a sociopath to me ..this crap could escalate....I understand YOU own the business? If so I would get rid of him ....he IS harassing you....keep all records...of PM....text messages....emails....If he owns part of the company then its being held mental hostage or going into business with someone else....You can tell the other company should he work for that provider that he is antagonistic, harassing you...unprofessional and you would rather work with another rep....I can't see a company not abiding by this request. ...You are a smart lady and don't deserve to be harassed like this.....but you may have to be the one to do some starting over .....in the end the peace of mind would be worth it.

 

PS please don't think I don't understand how hard this would be for you to do..however it really is your only option if you want any peace at work...This man has done this far too long to stop on his own.....imagine you could also say you feel you no longer share the same vision and thus would like a new rep to work with....period ..You don't owe them a long story on why.

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White Flower
It's not MM specific but it can be indicative of a narcissistic personality type.

I think I'm going to have to agree on this one. It seems that all along he has always needed to be in your face, attention on him, pulls away, yet still in your face. He is demanding yet elusive at the same time.

 

It took me years to figure out my exH was narcissistic because they are so confusing. If your exMM has NPD, you won't get anywhere with him. :( I think you'll just have to figure out a way to deal with him as one of those co-workers you have to tip-toe around.

 

Good luck with this one.

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jj, why give him a reaction? Why not just go along with whatever he says as though you are humouring him? You know - 'ok, let the spoilt child have his own way' roll_eyes.

 

:)

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Thanks. Jas I have stopped giving him any reaction as of the past few days but sometimes I do need things the way I need them or I wouldnt be doing my job.

 

Apparently he is this way with everyone :eek: and its not personal its just his way of trying to be helpful :confused:

 

Oh my... Wouldnt have believed it if I hadnt heard it from a trusted source.

 

Well at least its not personal. I guess it bothers me more than others because of the history.

 

When we were together it didnt bother me because I was happy for him to be in control of most things so the control issues didnt arise much and when they did, even in business he was never aggressive like he is now.

 

Just goes to show, some people just behave better when there's a ** at the end of the rainbow!

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JJ,

He's likely very aware of how his behavior is affecting you. Try not to give him the satisfaction. It gets his rocks off to think that he's still important enough to you to be able to get a rise out of you. He needs to see calculated indifference.

 

It sucks that he is being such a baby, but maybe it's a good thing in a way - for you to be reminded of what a gem he is so that you don't ever get sucked in by his lies again. It also goes to show you that he hasn't changed and probably isn't capable of it. You dodged a bullet. You've been incredibly strong having to deal with MM being someone that you work with. Pat yourself on the back.

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Thanks Misty. Hes backed off for the moment which is good. Its been so stressful having to deal with him. Thank you all for your support. He drives me mad.

 

He keeps saying hes trying to be helpful but how can trying to override everything I say be helpful?

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Thanks Misty. Hes backed off for the moment which is good. Its been so stressful having to deal with him. Thank you all for your support. He drives me mad.

 

He keeps saying hes trying to be helpful but how can trying to override everything I say be helpful?

 

Because the person he is trying to help is himself ;). Maybe it makes him feel less rejected. Maybe he just needs to one up you. Or maybe he's a control freak. But he lacks any real humility.

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No offense, JJ33, but I am having a hard time imagining what you ever saw in him given what you say of him of late.

 

Wow. It doesn't sound like you can give him an inch without him taking 20 miles!

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this with him and concerning your livelihood, at that.

 

Are you in any position to hire someone to deal with the clients that you share with him?

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