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Is it disrespectful to end a two year affair over email?


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I am ending the affair but feel I 'owe' him the respect of doing it face to face - is this a bad idea? I know I will get upset doing it this way but after everything we have been through over the past two years is an email a cop out?

 

He will not reel me back in, my decision is firm. But what's the best way?

 

He has said he can't leave his family and I am now exhausted from being second best. I am in such pain I have to end it. I don't have any hard feelings towards him and do wish him well....and love him so much....but I am done. I want my life back and want to be happy again. I think I will be able to articulate that better on email as will go to pieces if I have to do it face to face but just not sure.

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Yes, it's disrespectful to end something over email.

 

Then again, that doesn't seem to be a problem for you. You disrespected him, his marriage and his family by knowingly involving yourself with a married man.

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Yes, it is. I think it belittles the whole relationship. You say you 'love' him, would you expect the same if the roles were reversed? You should put your big girl panties on and meet him face to face to end things.

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Oh my word I came for advice not insults! Why does the OW always get portrayed as the big bad wolf that preyed on the poor little MM...! IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE TRUTH!!!!

 

I will not defend myself here and also will not disrespect MM by revealing the truth of what happened - suffice to say I was lied to - I believed I was dating a man who was separated from his wife - when I found out I ended it immediately. This happened a year down the line from meeting him - I was in love, head over heels. He reeled me back in with excuses and false promises. I caved. A year later and I've had it. I am a broken women. Yes it was wrong to get involved with a MM - but please don't ever think he is the innocent party here.

 

I await more constructive resposes regarding my original question.

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ladydesigner

My xOM ended things with me (MW) over email and I still to this day feel like it was a cop out on his part. It also made me feel like I was just a walk in a park to him, like it meant nothing to him...I mean if you can end something with someone you say you are in love with over email just says coward to me.

 

On the other hand, maybe you are afraid he will reel you back into the affair if you are face to face with him, I understand that.

 

I think this is a tough situation...but I still wish my xOM would have ended things in person. He came off as very immature to me by doing things this way and he really was much younger than me.

 

Please do what you feel is right for yourself, unfortunately everyone in the end gets hurt. Good luck!

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whichwayisup
I will not defend myself here and also will not disrespect MM by revealing the truth of what happened - suffice to say I was lied to - I believed I was dating a man who was separated from his wife - when I found out I ended it immediately

 

You ended it once and then a year later allowed him to suck you back in? Knowing full well the guy is a liar?

 

Send the email. Focus on you and not how he is going to feel/react. If you allow yourself to 'talk' to him, or see him again, you'll just allow him to suck you back in with MORE lies.

 

SEnd the email.

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LucreziaBorgia

I'm not sure why he deserves any respect, much less a respectful ending. Look at what he put you through. Do you think he deserves your respect?

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I didn't intend on insulting you and I apologize. I don't know your facts. BUT as a current OW, I wouldn't want to end things that way. I would do things face to face because I'd like to see his body language and reactions firsthand.

Maybe that's my way of sugarcoating things. If after the meeting he continues to pursue you, then yes, I think then your email good bye would be adequate.

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Oh fercryinoutloud. Playing the innocent will get you nowhere.

He reeled me back in with excuses and false promises...
So at some point you knew he was still married yet you made the consicous decision to re-start/continue the affair.

 

You were disrespectful to him and his marriage. He was a liar - you already knew that - and disrespectful to you and his wife/family.

 

Since it's clear that you don't have the internal fortitude to avoid getting sucked in by him and his lies - hey, you've already shown that at least once right? - then sure, send him an email.

 

Better yet, just don't contact him ever again. He deserves nothing in the way of "closure" (there isn't any such thing anyway, it's just Oprah-speak for "getting the last word").

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I think if u are ending it for good ...it truly does not matter how you do it...and as far as respect goes...seriously?!?! did he respect you and your feelings wrapping you up in a hot mess where its only a lose lose situation for you and a win win for him?

 

so go get it over with however you want to do it and slowly but surely you will heal and move on...I hope along the way you find someone than can give you a 110% of themselves...good luck;)

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whichwayisup
....but I am done. I want my life back and want to be happy again. I think I will be able to articulate that better on email as will go to pieces if I have to do it face to face but just not sure.

 

Send the email. Because it's easier for YOU!

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StoptheDrama

Only you can decide what works best for you...personally I prefer to handle things face to face but I found that ending my A via email/text worked best for me...he wasn't able to voice his opinion/argue with me and I didn't have to worry about wavering in my decision..

 

If you're asking, you're hesitant to face him and that should answer your question...good luck!

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Devil Inside

The important thing is that you end it now that you found the strength. If you fear face to face will leave you vulnerable then send the email.

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Thanks so much for your replies. Yes I do fear face to face - how I can watch someone I love hurting and fighting this decision and not comfort him thus sending him mixed messages. What if I waver on my decision which I could do when upset and emotional.

 

Yes it has to be an email and I will talk on the phone if he wants to but I won't meet him. I have to stay strong, whatever his reasons are for staying in his marriage he's staying....so I must go. I want more.

 

My heart is broken.

Thank you for your advice

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whimsical_memory

I think that sending an email is an excellent idea. After you've sent the email, switch to no contact, and begin the healing process. I am sorry that you're hurting, ending a relationship is never an easy thing to do. Had this been an affair between two single people, I would have suggested doing a face-to-face, however you need to free yourself from him as quickly as possible. Good luck

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i would send the email. i wouldn't take further phone calls email or texts after i send the email. make it perfectly clear in the email that you are done.

 

you really don't owe him respect in this situation... respecting yourself is more important at the moment.

 

the only reason he would contact you is to reel you back in - thus, the reason to send the email with the idea of no further contact in mind. protect yourself. it will be hard to dismiss his advances - but worth the healing if you can stay strong.

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send the email, then go cold turkey – NC all the way. You don't need to put up with anymore shxt that comes with a furtive relationship, and his wife doesn't either.

 

it might seem a cowardly way out to some people, but I'm thinking it suits the situation.

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Send the email. He doesn't deserve any further respect.

 

Plus, when you try to end the A face to face, most MM will put on the charm in ways you have never experienced to get you to change your mind.

 

Send the email.

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How is it a cop out to send an email? He is married. His excuses for getting involved with you is a cop out. His excuses for not ending his marriage for you is a cop out.

 

Send the email and be DONE with him.

 

I don't understand why anyone would want you to face him since you KNOW you COULD be reeled back in.

 

Do what is best and easiest for YOU - not him. Your main concern should be yourself because he sure isn't looking out for you. If he was, he wouldn't have gotten involved with you in the first place.

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Dont do it face to face. He lied to you and reeled you back in. He knows you have been extremely hurt over this.

 

You are wise to be judicious in the details you provide in an open forum but I suspect that there has been a lot of back and forth between you over the fact that he is still married (it happens in most every case like yours).

 

Assuming that is correct having one more "famous final scene" is not going to do either of you any good.

 

Send him an email tell him you cant go on like this anymore and its over. He has told you hes not leaving (cant in his pin head) so there is nothing for him to say in response other than that he loves you, you are the greatest love of his life, he doesnt know how he will go on without you and/or any one of a million things he has already said.

 

Send the email and block all further communication. It will hurt, but no more than the hell you have been through.

 

You can do this.

 

Be strong!

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BenThereDunThat

I agree completely with everyone who says you don't owe him sh*t. The fact that you're worried about behing disrespectful to him makes me think you're not quite where you need to be as far as letting go completely.

 

Trust me, I'm not judging. I'm speaking from experience.

 

If you must, send him an email and then be done. For good. Do not EVEN worry about his feelings. He doesn't worry about yours or his wife's. Yes, he may make you feel like he's concerned. But, in truth, he is not. Not in any kind of healthy, normal way.

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complicatedlife

Modern technology has us so impersonal now. It's a shame when you have to re-teach a 12 year old (my boyfriend's daughter) how to write a letter because they no longer teach it in school- she was taught by him at a younger age but had forgotten because they didn't teach it in school. Sad. :( What the heck did we do before cell phones, email, and texting?????

 

I have mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I feel that an email is probably the "safer" thing to do. But the bigger part of me feels like...I don't care WHAT KIND of relationship we were in - affair or not: you better break up with me in person - I think I would be deserving of a face to face, no matter how difficult it would be. And so since that is what I would want for myself, that is what I would give. Who the hell breaks up with someone via an EMAIL? My God..not even a phone call? I would DIE.

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bentnotbroken

Send the text. Why should respect entire the picture now. He disrespected his wife, you and himself. Why should anyone give him something he isn't capable of giving to anyone else. :confused:

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complicatedlife
Send the text. Why should respect entire the picture now. He disrespected his wife, you and himself. Why should anyone give him something he isn't capable of giving to anyone else. :confused:

 

So just keep the disrespect going all around, huh? Send an email or a text because that's what he gets, right? Gee. I'm back to feeling like the world is so inhumane :lmao:

 

Does anybody still have compassion for people's FEELINGS - regardless of their transgressions? He's still a human being. :(

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bentnotbroken
So just keep the disrespect going all around, huh? Send an email or a text because that's what he gets, right? Gee. I'm back to feeling like the world is so inhumane :lmao:

 

Does anybody still have compassion for people's FEELINGS - regardless of their transgressions? He's still a human being. :(

 

 

And exactly were does it say that the only way to be respectful is to tell someone that you no longer want to be their side piece to their face. I would like to read that.

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