Aquarius Rising Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, I will be as tactful as possible when asking these things ... and hopefully there are some MM out there who are prepared to give their honest responses. Q1 (2 Parts) Were you aware as your A progressed with the OW/MW that she was becoming emotionally invested (attached to the relationship) and yet despite that ..... you were unable to let her go (because she was satisfying SOME of your needs) knowing FULL WELL that you were never going to give up your W and family for her? and If so, how did you reconcile that for yourself? Q2. If you answered yes to Q1, when the A did end either because you were found out or because one of you chose to end it ...... do you actually now regret losing her? Just curious ...... I'm trying to figure out what's going through my MM's head right now ....... hope my questions are not offensive. AR Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 AR, I hope you get some answers here to help you along the pathway (path way? Not srue if that's one word or two) to closure.. Stay strong and know that everyone is here to help you through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Q1 (2 Parts) Were you aware as your A progressed with the OW/MW that she was becoming emotionally invested (attached to the relationship) and yet despite that ..... you were unable to let her go (because she was satisfying SOME of your needs) knowing FULL WELL that you were never going to give up your W and family for her? and If so, how did you reconcile that for yourself? Q2. If you answered yes to Q1, when the A did end either because you were found out or because one of you chose to end it ...... do you actually now regret losing her? Just curious ...... I'm trying to figure out what's going through my MM's head right now ....... hope my questions are not offensive. AR Q1: As the A continued I feel that we both became aware that we were both very emotionally connected. "I love you" does not come out of my mouth very often, we both had been hurt a lot in the past...I think we found a lot of comfort in each other and early on it became obvious that we were heading into a dangerous territory that was well beyond "having some fun." Up to the end I was truly split as to what I was going to do. Some days I was sure that leaving my family for her was the right thing. Other days I felt that leaving my family would be a huge mistake that I would regret later in life. In the end, looking back at my inability to make a decision, I have to say, I was not going to leave, but while in the A it wasn't like that in my mind. Q2: She decided to end it. Do I regret losing her? Well that is such a complex question. Do I wish that I met her when we were not married?...yes. Do I miss her?...More than you can imagine. Do I wish that I didn't put her through the emotional wreckage of being an OW?...So much, besides betraying my wife, it is my biggest regret about the A. If, being really honest, am I glad the A is over?...Yes, leading two lives was a very selfish thing for me to do. Even though it kills me to lose her, I know that she is finally set free to find health, happiness, and love. I am also now free to repair what was wrong with my marriage before I started the A. This is how I experienced things...I hope it helps. All MM have a different story. I myself, found that I fell for her, I was not intending to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, I will be as tactful as possible when asking these things ... and hopefully there are some MM out there who are prepared to give their honest responses. Q1 (2 Parts) Were you aware as your A progressed with the OW/MW that she was becoming emotionally invested (attached to the relationship) and yet despite that ..... you were unable to let her go (because she was satisfying SOME of your needs) knowing FULL WELL that you were never going to give up your W and family for her? and If so, how did you reconcile that for yourself? Q2. If you answered yes to Q1, when the A did end either because you were found out or because one of you chose to end it ...... do you actually now regret losing her? Just curious ...... I'm trying to figure out what's going through my MM's head right now ....... hope my questions are not offensive. AR Have you tried running this through your own prior experience as the WS in your own marriage? I don't know that here would be a huge difference between a MW and a MM viewpoint there...similar perspectives I'd expect. Having been that route, reflection on your own experiences might already give you the perspective you're looking for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 This is how I experienced things...I hope it helps. All MM have a different story. I myself, found that I fell for her, I was not intending to do that. Thanks DI, I wasn't sure I'd get any responses to my questions. I think my MM is exactly in the position you found yourself in, and I think I am going to also be the one that will choose to end it, because of his indecision. Thanks, this really does help. I hope you are able to live both peacefully and authentically now. Wishing you well. AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Have you tried running this through your own prior experience as the WS in your own marriage? I don't know that here would be a huge difference between a MW and a MM viewpoint there...similar perspectives I'd expect. Having been that route, reflection on your own experiences might already give you the perspective you're looking for. I have to disagree with you OWL in my experience. For me I knew that my emotional investment was not in my marriage soon after the A began. I had been unhappy in my marriage for many years prior to meeting MM and if anything he just confirmed that for me. I felt torn, but not about leaving, I would have if my MM had been also in favour of leaving, and eventually I did anyway because I couldn't continue to lie to myself that I was fulfilled and content in my marriage. AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 AR, I hope you get some answers here to help you along the pathway (path way? Not srue if that's one word or two) to closure.. Stay strong and know that everyone is here to help you through this. Thanks WWIU .... (hugs back to you) AR Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 This is how I experienced things...I hope it helps. All MM have a different story. I myself, found that I fell for her, I was not intending to do that. Do you mind me asking, how long has it been since the A ended? AR Link to post Share on other sites
bullhunter Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Possibly my experience is different from others. She was (I thought) a friend, though I didn't know her very well, more an acquaintance who I knew I had some attraction to. She moved and asked if we could keep in touch via email. I thought sure, why not? A year of hidden emails led to an emotional attachment to the woman, though I knew I would not leave my wife for her even at the height of my attachment. When she came to visit I began to realize that she was not the person I had built in my head and began to lose interest. Still, I needed the emotional "fix" of having her obviously wanting me so continued writing. More months and more visits led to liking her less and less. I broke it off and was glad to "see" the last of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Do you mind me asking, how long has it been since the A ended? AR It will be three months at the end of the month. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aquarius Rising Posted August 19, 2009 Author Share Posted August 19, 2009 Possibly my experience is different from others. She was (I thought) a friend, though I didn't know her very well, more an acquaintance who I knew I had some attraction to. She moved and asked if we could keep in touch via email. I thought sure, why not? A year of hidden emails led to an emotional attachment to the woman, though I knew I would not leave my wife for her even at the height of my attachment. When she came to visit I began to realize that she was not the person I had built in my head and began to lose interest. Still, I needed the emotional "fix" of having her obviously wanting me so continued writing. More months and more visits led to liking her less and less. I broke it off and was glad to "see" the last of her. Thanks for responding... sounds like your in a better place now. AR Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, I will be as tactful as possible when asking these things ... and hopefully there are some MM out there who are prepared to give their honest responses. Q1 (2 Parts) Were you aware as your A progressed with the OW/MW that she was becoming emotionally invested (attached to the relationship) and yet despite that ..... you were unable to let her go (because she was satisfying SOME of your needs) knowing FULL WELL that you were never going to give up your W and family for her? and If so, how did you reconcile that for yourself? Q2. If you answered yes to Q1, when the A did end either because you were found out or because one of you chose to end it ...... do you actually now regret losing her? Just curious ...... I'm trying to figure out what's going through my MM's head right now ....... hope my questions are not offensive. AR A1. NO. I saw my AP as a new beginning. I fessed up to the affair about 3 weeks into it... xW filed for divorce almost immediately and we were done in about 6 weeks after that. I would probably have drug my feet on filing, because I didn't really care one way or another. Kind of odd that I was more forgiving when I discovered her affair 5 months prior. I guess she didn't like the knife in her back. A2. although I answered no to the last question, I'll answer this one anyway. I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my last marriage. I remember my xW saying something to the effect that this will be the biggest mistake I'll ever make... I'm still trying to figure out that one. She thought fairly highly of herself. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Ok, I will be as tactful as possible when asking these things ... and hopefully there are some MM out there who are prepared to give their honest responses. Q1 (2 Parts) Were you aware as your A progressed with the OW/MW that she was becoming emotionally invested (attached to the relationship) and yet despite that ..... you were unable to let her go (because she was satisfying SOME of your needs) knowing FULL WELL that you were never going to give up your W and family for her? and If so, how did you reconcile that for yourself? Q2. If you answered yes to Q1, when the A did end either because you were found out or because one of you chose to end it ...... do you actually now regret losing her? Just curious ...... I'm trying to figure out what's going through my MM's head right now ....... hope my questions are not offensive. AR Sweetie pie *hug* You aren't going to be able to figure out what is going on in his pea brain. Gosh, I know you are hurting so bad. I despise what emotions he is putting you through. He is nothing but a user and a cake eater. Most MM are. They like what they have at home (but won't admit it) and enjoy their side fling. They IMHO don't have a capacity for compassion or loyalty or fidelity. They are users. They are getting THEIR needs met; never mind their WIFE or their AP. *hug* Link to post Share on other sites
MistyK Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 A1. NO. I saw my AP as a new beginning. I fessed up to the affair about 3 weeks into it... xW filed for divorce almost immediately and we were done in about 6 weeks after that. I would probably have drug my feet on filing, because I didn't really care one way or another. Kind of odd that I was more forgiving when I discovered her affair 5 months prior. I guess she didn't like the knife in her back. A2. although I answered no to the last question, I'll answer this one anyway. I have absolutely no regrets about leaving my last marriage. I remember my xW saying something to the effect that this will be the biggest mistake I'll ever make... I'm still trying to figure out that one. She thought fairly highly of herself. Do you suppose that yours was a "revenge affair"? Meaning, do you think it would have happened had you not discovered your W's affair? Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Sweetie pie *hug* You aren't going to be able to figure out what is going on in his pea brain. Gosh, I know you are hurting so bad. I despise what emotions he is putting you through. He is nothing but a user and a cake eater. Most MM are. They like what they have at home (but won't admit it) and enjoy their side fling. They IMHO don't have a capacity for compassion or loyalty or fidelity. They are users. They are getting THEIR needs met; never mind their WIFE or their AP. *hug* Oh come on! and woman don't act the same way?? this is a bunch of man hating bull. Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Do you suppose that yours was a "revenge affair"? Meaning, do you think it would have happened had you not discovered your W's affair? I really tried to make things work with my xW after her affair... but I felt that the dynamics of our relationship had changed in a way that I wasn't comfortable with. She really felt entitled to what she had done and blamed her affair on me. I got to a point where I said enough of this. Her attitudes during our marriage recovery was much more a factor for me in my dislike for her than her indescretions. There was no way I wanted to spend my life with this type of woman. Now, as to my affair, in my mind it was just going to be "side action". It just happened to turn into so much more. Link to post Share on other sites
spiraling downward Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Sweetie pie *hug* You aren't going to be able to figure out what is going on in his pea brain. Gosh, I know you are hurting so bad. I despise what emotions he is putting you through. He is nothing but a user and a cake eater. Most MM are. They like what they have at home (but won't admit it) and enjoy their side fling. They IMHO don't have a capacity for compassion or loyalty or fidelity. They are users. They are getting THEIR needs met; never mind their WIFE or their AP. *hug* Allow me to reinterpret this for the masculine persuasion in this forum... Dude! *shaking friend by the shoulders* You got to understand that there's no logic in her empty head! Man, I know what you are going through! It's tough to watch her run you through the wringer like that! She is nothing but a two-timing beotch! Most MW are. She's living off her old man's paycheck and looking to nail every guy she can find! In my mind, these woman don't know the first thing about loyality and appreciation! They're just pampered little princesses. They want to bleed any guy they can find, not to mention sucking the life out of their old man! *releasing buddies shoulders* Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Oh come on! and woman don't act the same way?? this is a bunch of man hating bull. I agree with you, SD. Link to post Share on other sites
Gamine Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 AP #!: Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest one of all? AP #2: Why you, of course, my dear! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 19, 2009 Share Posted August 19, 2009 Oh come on! and woman don't act the same way?? this is a bunch of man hating bull. What??????? What is your problem? I am far from a man hater. Link to post Share on other sites
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