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Since this may come up in threads and since I am genuinely curious if there is anyone else in this situation currently or previously I'm risking the flack :)

 

Before I do though, jenni_jenni's tag line is what made me register. Having the courage of your opinions even when you know they may be wrong is admirable IMO.

 

In very short I am having both an EA and a PA and yes, I do have a partner at home who is thankfully -mainly for his sake- oblivious to this.

 

The PA is with a MM, it's easy, it's fun, it's honest, it's amazing sex and it's convenient -we work and travel together-. He knows about the EA MM and is even relived he exists and knows my partner, respects and likes him and hopes I end up staying with him. My level of guilt, worry, attachment or generally emotional investment in this A is zero. So is his.

 

The EA is with a MM, it's messy, it's complicated, it's exclusively online, it's existed for the better part of 5 years transcending my last marriage and relationships. He knows about my partner obviously but not the PA MM. My level of emotional investment in this is a very high percentage. His M is new, it was a convenience agreement for the most part but I know his BW would be maybe more hurt than my BH if there would ever be a D-day.

 

My partner and I have been together a few years, the relationship is a good solid friendship, a greatly functional partnership in building our life together. The sex is nearly non-existent and it is not fixable, simply his drive being near zero. My current emotional investment in the relationship is rather high, higher than it has been before the PA ironically. If I were to bet, I would see our R as more probable than the EA ever turning into anything other but I am too old, too lacking clarity and too jaded to pretend I know that for sure. I know I am deceiving him, of course, but I would never admit this to him and hurt him -save your breath please people- as well as hurt the chances we'll stay together, yes, although according to something he repeated time and again he would not want to know if I had an affair so that he doesn't have to contemplate living without me and am perfectly ok "living with the burdain" and what not.

 

Yes it's a mess, yes there's a lot of lying done. It won't be forever, I like to believe that I am working on sorting out what I ought to do and then hope to take that path no matter how uneasy it would be.

 

I mainly wanted to know if others have been in these shoes and give you a different perspective where one can be on all sides of the spectrum.

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jennie-jennie

Glad you liked my tagline. :) Welcome to the forum, but be prepared for the attacks. You have a lot going on in your life, I figure many posters will have a lot to say about the moral in that.

 

What interests me is that you have found this solution to your Hs near zero sex drive. I had a long term relationship before MM, very long term, where our sex drives differed greatly. That was a major issue to me. If you want to stay with your H, I can see your need to go outside your marriage for sex. It gets too hard on you otherwise.

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Your honesty is very refreshing, OW_WS. I may not condone your actions in cheating, but I really admire your frankness about yourself and your motives. :)

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Uh...I don't really see a question here. So I guess you are looking for opinions and thats a dangerous thing to ask for - you'll get them.

 

I guess what I cant figure is what you want. I really cant give you any advice until I know which man you wish to keep in your life. Or are you looking to keep all three? Or two? Which two? See...I have no idea what to say since I have no idea how you want it this to end. I cant point the way (or my way anyway) until I know where to point....

 

From my own personal moral code...you drop the two affairs and leave your partner at home (married? male or female partner?). To me, a relationship is exclusive and when its not ,or no longer so, you should inform the other party so HE/SHE can choose as well. Its very selfish and controlling to keep these men emotionally hostage as they are. Set them free. Be honest with them.

 

So here's a question for you (another one)...why WONT you be honest with all involved?

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Welcome to LS and mark my words - you will get loads of opinions :laugh:.

 

I can see it's really messy and something I wouldn't get into. I was involved with a MM and no one else, and even then it was pretty messy for me and told him to figure out what he wants and that he did. I can't imagine having 2 or 3 partners - I would go crazy! However do you manage the time?! Unbelievable (and I really do not mean this in a sarcastic way!).

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Cheers for the comments everyone. I am sure I'll read things I won't like, I am doing something commonly seen as morally reprehensible so it's perfectly normal and expected that will be the vein of the comments.

 

Jennie- feels good to contemplate someone understanding what it is like to be in a sexless commitment.

 

Jasminetea - thanks. I try on that account.

 

 

However do you manage the time?! Unbelievable (and I really do not mean this in a sarcastic way!).

 

Right now I am typing this, holding the phone -for work- emailing one and chatting to another online. I'll be the first to admit it's not easy so even if you meant it sarcastically -which I don't think you did- I will take it as a compliment :)

 

So here's a question for you (another one)...why WONT you be honest with all involved?

 

That's an easy one, give me a harder one. Because I'd hurt him and lose him. (my fiance not the PA AP or the EA AP whom know the situation) So part of that is altruistic in not wanting him hurting -or is that just another form of selfishness, hating how I project I'd feel if he gets hurt- and helping him keep me -yeah arrogant but since we're doing honesty there you have it- and the biggest part of that is that I won't risk losing the relationship till I am clear it's the best thing for me.

 

I suspect the answer is much the same for anyone having an A and I also suspect you knew that, it was asked to stir a reaction not in honesty.

 

As for your observation, yes it's correct, there is no question, just sharing perspective and using it by way of introduction since I plan to write from time to time.

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Right now I am typing this, holding the phone -for work- emailing one and chatting to another online. I'll be the first to admit it's not easy so even if you meant it sarcastically -which I don't think you did- I will take it as a compliment :)

 

:laugh: Yeah, women are multi-taskers but when it comes to juggling more than one man - I am no multi-tasker!

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jennie-jennie
- and the biggest part of that is that I won't risk losing the relationship till I am clear it's the best thing for me.

 

This is what my MM says as well. Because once you've lost the relationship there is no going back. You can't kind of keep it.

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This is what my MM says as well. Because once you've lost the relationship there is no going back. You can't kind of keep it.

 

-For a moment there I had trouble understanding how what your MM does relates to my situation, somehow in my head he was a married person cheating, how was that my case? Three very separate roles can do that to your acronym identity placing:lmao: well that and we are not yet married -

 

It's very honest of him to admit he is trying to figure things out. I figure that is to a degree most people are. He's very lucky to have you understand that.

 

I'd like to clarify my "figuring out" has little if anything at all to do with the PA -if that plays a role it does in understanding how important my sexuality is to me but it's NOT any material for deep thoughts and there is no contest between my R and my PA- but with the EA which is the only one capable -in theory- of making me contemplate leaving my R.

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jennie-jennie

OK, then I have to ask you, you said "The EA is with a MM, it's messy, it's complicated, it's exclusively online". Have you met him IRL? Do you talk on the phone? Use Skype? Web cam?

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OK, then I have to ask you, you said "The EA is with a MM, it's messy, it's complicated, it's exclusively online". Have you met him IRL? Do you talk on the phone? Use Skype? Web cam?

 

We have never yet touched. Ridiculous. Life was just that way. And we've made mistakes and started relationships on breaks or out of frustration -his M not my R- We do talk on the phone, email, webcam, etc. To most people it's a fantasy not a relationship, I know it's the most love I've ever experienced. Do I know it would hold in person? No and it's something I may need to discover before I make any decisions. Do I believe a life with him is likely a good idea for me? Not necessarily.

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jennie-jennie
We have never yet touched. Ridiculous. Life was just that way. And we've made mistakes and started relationships on breaks or out of frustration -his M not my R- We do talk on the phone, email, webcam, etc. To most people it's a fantasy not a relationship, I know it's the most love I've ever experienced. Do I know it would hold in person? No and it's something I may need to discover before I make any decisions. Do I believe a life with him is likely a good idea for me? Not necessarily.

 

I know how strong a connection online can be. I knew MM when we were young, and had not met him in decades when he contacted me again four years ago. The fact that we already knew each other from the past made us open and trusting of course, but still, we had to get to know each other all over again because so many years had past.

 

It took 10 months before we met again IRL. He was everything I had thought he was. Ok, maybe not physically, 3 dimension is different than 2 dimension, but characterwise. What proved to be new information was how he handled the outside world. Online it is just he and I.

 

Are you planning to meet sometime soon?

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whichwayisup

If a MM posted this, would he get the same level of respect, nice comments and support?

 

My concern for you OW_WS is, your partner. What if he is unhappy as well? What if he wants to find someone on the side too, would you be OK with that?

 

The thing is, it IS fantasy - Even though your feelings are real, the situation itself with him is based on good feelings and positiveness. There's no reality in there and messy stuff to deal with.

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I know how strong a connection online can be. I knew MM when we were young, and had not met him in decades when he contacted me again four years ago. The fact that we already knew each other from the past made us open and trusting of course, but still, we had to get to know each other all over again because so many years had past.

 

It took 10 months before we met again IRL. He was everything I had thought he was. Ok, maybe not physically, 3 dimension is different than 2 dimension, but characterwise. What proved to be new information was how he handled the outside world. Online it is just he and I.

 

Are you planning to meet sometime soon?

 

It is surrealy strong. Yes, in theory we are contemplating meeting in the following few months chiefly because I want to know if the chemistry is still there in person or not. I do not at this time have very definite plans nor do I know for a fact I will make it. I may still back off and remain only once a cheater in my PA.

 

If a MM posted this, would he get the same level of respect, nice comments and support?

 

My concern for you OW_WS is, your partner. What if he is unhappy as well? What if he wants to find someone on the side too, would you be OK with that?

 

The thing is, it IS fantasy - Even though your feelings are real, the situation itself with him is based on good feelings and positiveness. There's no reality in there and messy stuff to deal with.

 

I don't know about the same level of support. I am sure some people think I'm disgusting. But I see the gender equality quandary.

 

My concern is my partner too. He claims he is happy. If he is unhappy I do not know of it. Would I be ok if he got someone on the side? No, I am selfish and controlling and my ego is too fragile for that. But I would get it. And then probably leave.

 

And yes, you are spot on. It IS fantasy to a degree. I absolutely agree. Which is why this took so long to verify and is still not clear. Which is what makes my partnership-like current R and my steamy, substance free PA more likely to survive the test of time than my EA with the love of my life. If that makes any sense :)

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You have several great big pockets of your life that cannot be filled by your current relationship/partner. Sex and emotional needs. But you want to keep your current relationship. Further, you dont feel these areas where your relationship lacks can be repaired. OK. I'm with you so far...but still think that if the R lacks so very much, your partner is probably as unfulfilled as yourself. But you know him , so I can accept you believe telling him about the OM would not be a good thing. OK. Still, you should tell him that you are unfulfilled by him sexually and emotionally and not happy with that. Sometimes when push comes to shove...people step up.

 

So - the PA is just that. A compartment where you keep your F Buddy. No threat to you emotionally and doesnt sound like that big of a deal to you.

 

The EA is what you seem to be questioning but I cant tell what the question is. If you care about him and think you screwing him up, then you are going to have to face the fact that although you can compartmentalize all of these relationships...most people cannot.

If you cannot give him up because you need him...you might want to start with - why do you need so very much?

 

When we compartmentalize other people and relationships in our lives...the person who you are being most dishonest to is yourself. You only get to be a little bit of yourself at a time.

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jennie-jennie
If a MM posted this, would he get the same level of respect, nice comments and support?

 

Wow, I truly am impressed by the posts in this thread so far. Never would have thought that possible on Loveshack. :)

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whichwayisup
It is surrealy strong. Yes, in theory we are contemplating meeting in the following few months chiefly because I want to know if the chemistry is still there in person or not. I do not at this time have very definite plans nor do I know for a fact I will make it. I may still back off and remain only once a cheater in my PA.

 

 

 

I don't know about the same level of support. I am sure some people think I'm disgusting. But I see the gender equality quandary.

 

My concern is my partner too. He claims he is happy. If he is unhappy I do not know of it. Would I be ok if he got someone on the side? No, I am selfish and controlling and my ego is too fragile for that. But I would get it. And then probably leave.

 

And yes, you are spot on. It IS fantasy to a degree. I absolutely agree. Which is why this took so long to verify and is still not clear. Which is what makes my partnership-like current R and my steamy, substance free PA more likely to survive the test of time than my EA with the love of my life. If that makes any sense :)

 

Atleast you're being honest and speaking your mind.

 

Have you and your partner even talked about things? Have you tried to spice it up in the bedroom, bring more passion in?

 

Along the way you're getting used to having two men meet all your needs, if one disappears, it's going to be hard.

 

So what happens if you two meet and it feels right? An affair IRL happens? Or do you leave your partner and he leaves his wife?

 

Another way of looking at this is, your partner deserves a chance at love and happiness with someone else, who's going to put him first. Staying and cheating on him is only going to bring alot of pain, sooner or later.

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That's an easy one, give me a harder one.

 

Ok...can do

Because I'd hurt him and lose him. (my fiance not the PA AP or the EA AP whom know the situation)

Yet you have already hurt him. You do not hide these from him to spare him - you do it to spare YOURSELF. IT has NOTHING to do with him. Its a convenient lie and excuse. Let me explain.

 

If you didn't WANT to hurt him, you wouldnt be cheating on him, either emotionally or physically. Problem, is, your NEEDS trump HIS needs so you sacrifice HIS needs (monogamy) for your NEEDS (sex and emotional connection). You KNOW this has hurt him deeply (or will once he finds out)...yet you continue despite this. So you lie and obfuscate and all the other behaviours to maintain all three R's and hurt him. For YOUR benefit..not his. To benefit him, you would have to return the ring and tell him the truth...but you can't...he'd rightfully leave (or maybe not).

 

What I cant figure out is, why continue with him if he ISNT meeting your emotional and physical needs? Money? Why on Earth would you want to marry this man who is incapable of meeting your needs? And since we already know yo are hurting him...why stay? End it honorably and move on...

 

So part of that is altruistic in not wanting him hurting -or is that just another form of selfishness, hating how I project I'd feel if he gets hurt- and helping him keep me -yeah arrogant but since we're doing honesty there you have it-
I love this. I mean, I love your honesty to US...not what you say. Time for some more introspection darling. No one blames you for being selfish...I sure don't - we all do it from time to time. However, it seems you are overly focused on yourself right now. Part of love is giving. Part of love is sacrificing. And your fiance is not the recipient of these. Nor is your EA partner...nor is your PA partner. In each you withhold a part of yourself.

 

Each affair hurts him whether he knows of it or not. Each denies him a part of you. Each denies him the time and energy given to them and not him. Each lie told builds not a foundation for marital bliss with your fiance, but a wall enclosing yourself. How can you possibly be close with anyone, at any level whilst building your own prison? You can't. Closeness and intimacy requires openness, honesty and vulnerability. Each you deny to all.

 

and the biggest part of that is that I won't risk losing the relationship till I am clear it's the best thing for me.
But you already have. The only one who is fully satisfied with you is your PA...the EA is denied as is your fiance. Ultimately, the person you shortchange the most is yourself.

 

I suspect the answer is much the same for anyone having an A and I also suspect you knew that, it was asked to stir a reaction not in honesty.
NO. YOu see 1000 affair stories you see 1000 affair stories. Each unique. There are certainly some common "themes"...but each is wholly unique.

 

And I don't need to poke you with a stick. You'll do that on your own. Already are in fact...its why you're here - to STOP this madness. And I'm sure its madness...it must be to continually juggle all the secrets. Must be exhausting...don't blame you for wanting it all to end.

 

But an A doesn't solve the issues with your primary R. In fact, you never answered my question as to how this ends or which man you wish to pursue. I'm unsure which is your primary R...

 

I still think you should drop all three. Happiness comes from within and until you have that...I think all your relationships will be unsatisfying.

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Welcome OW_WS :).

 

I'm guessing by the fact that you posted that running several Rs in parallel, and having different levels of disclosure in them, isn't something you consider sustainable?

 

While I've never been a WS, I have for most of my life had many synchronous Rs, from each of which I derived different things, so I can relate to that aspect of it. For me, I didn't want or envisage getting everything from one person, and so the multiplicity of Rs seemed natural and sustainable. And, it really did work for me at that time.

 

But in your position, it sounds as if you are doing a great deal of role juggling, and as if you are having to keep some things from your SO and some things from your EAP - which can't be easy.

 

So I guess what I'd ask is - if you could have EVERYTHING from one person (any of the 3 current, or someone entirely new), would you go for that option - or do you prefer having different facets supplied by different partners?

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lovekillsslowly

Hi OW WS -

 

Wow! That's the first word that popped into my mind when I read your post.

 

Thanks for the insight. I mean that sincerely. When I think about all the type of situations / roles that people can be involved in when it comes to affairs, never, ever, did I imagine something like this.

 

So thanks for having the courage to share and open our eyes and minds to other situations and circumstances that someone might be dealing with and feelings they might be having for more than just one person.

 

Your post has been very enlightening to say the least.

 

And who says that "two's company - three's a crowd"??? It seems to be working for you just fine! LOL!! Again I'm not being a smart-ass. I mean that jokingly with sincereity. I hope it made you laugh!

 

I wish you the best and hope that the end results bring you lots of satisfaction and happiness!

 

"To each his own" as the saying goes. :)

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Devil Inside

OW WS you do have a lot going on. I wonder if instead of three men filling your needs that you could actually find one man?

 

I know that at this point you are wrapped up in your situation, but I wonder if you are selling yourself short settling for partial relationships with each of these three men. Wouldn't it be great to find one man that could fill all these roles...if that is possible.

 

The other thing I wonder is how you keep it all going. Aren't you afraid of being found out?

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OW-WS, while I can imagine this situation is complicated, it's also got to be quite rewarding...you have three men filling different emotional needs in your life. That's got to feel pretty good, even with the complications.

 

But I'm curious...do you feel that this is fair to THEM?

 

Your PA MM...he seems to know the full situation and accept it...probably because his motives are just like yours...he wants the PA. He's willing to accept the overall situation because you're fullfilling his wants out of this.

 

But what about your EA MM? He's in love with you...as he knows you and your situation that is. Would he feel the same if he knew that you were cheating on your current R with someone else as well? Would he still be willing to 'share' you with your PA MM and your 'committed relationship' as well? Is it fair to him that he loves you based on what you let him know about you, rather than the full truth?

 

Its similar with your 'real' relationship...only moreso. He's not aware of ANY cheating. He fulfills your need for companionship/friendship...but would he be willing to continue in his role knowing about your affairs? Would he accept that? Do you think it's fair to him to 'sit in the dark' while you're trying to sort this mess out?

 

Or does what is "fair" to any of the other three matter to you in this situation? Does what they want/need/expect have any true bearing, or is it only about what you want out of this?

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I saw this movie that stated a woman needs 3 men in her life - one for her emotional needs, one for sexual and the other... I forgot but I'm pretty sure any woman can have all 3 in 1 man.

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I have no idea why everyone on here seems to be cheering you on for being "honest" about how incredibly selfish and uncaring your are.

 

You're perfectly willing to string your H along for as long as is necessary until you are positive that you no longer need him. You really don't care about his welfare at all. If you do, his welfare matters very very little to you compared to your own welfare. That's not love, that's just emotional abuse. You're selfishly using him to fulfill a need you have, and as soon as he doesn't fill that need he's gone.

 

Compared with all the other things you have going on, the PA seems the least offensive to me.

 

I wouldn't even want to be friends or associated with someone as selfish as you are. My friends care about each other, are there for each other, and don't just care about themselves.

 

You claim your husband is "happy". Well, clams are happy too. You know why? Because they're too stupid to realize they're clams. That doesn't mean they're really happy.

 

Again, you're not really asking any QUESTIONS on this thread. My personal theory is that you just want some validation and praise from other people who won't condemn you for having a PA, an EA with someone else, and a H on top of it. So I'll be one of the "bad guys" and condemn you for it. I'm sure you won't care about my opinion because you really aren't here for the criticism, or any ideas on how to improve your situation. You're just here for the positive reinforcement of your behavior.

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jennie-jennie
I have no idea why everyone on here seems to be cheering you on for being "honest" about how incredibly selfish and uncaring your are.

 

Maybe people are starting to realize that by not condemning it is more likely that the original poster will actually listen and contemplate what you are saying.

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