Do MM obsess like OW do?

[indiagirl1]

Do you think that as soon as they put foot in their house they are in 'family man' mode or do you think they obsess like we seem to do? My MM (soon to be ex - when he reads his email from me after his holiday) doesn't seem to go through the same emotions I go through when I don't hear from him for a couple of days. When we resume contact he will makes a big thing of how he has been 'desperate' to see if I am ok and how it's hell at home......I just think 'why not text me and see if I am ok'....! Do MM obsess or can they compartmentalise?

[Lizzie60]

Some do.. some don't .. hard to say.

 

I know my MM from work do obsess about me.. he constantly emails me from his BB from home.. will text me every night to say 'good night' ... how he misses me.. how he wish i was there with him.. blablabla..

 

He does the same at work..

[jennie-jennie]

My MM was totally obsessed with me the first years. Now after four years I believe it has calmed down a bit. When he is working for example, I don't think he's thinking about me or his family, he is just concentrating on work. Still, it doesn't go a day without him contacting me, if nothing else by text messages. He calls me every chance he gets. Truthfully he has given up his alone time, and spends every minute he can with me, on the phone or in person.

[Devil Inside]

Some do...some don't...just like I'm sure there are some OWs who don't obsess. When I was in an A I had contact with my OW at least daily, and most times for at least an hour. I thought about her all the time. She is still a part of me. I find she crosses my mind several times a day even now that it is over. She probably always will.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Depends, really. Some guys are so compartmentalized that the OW is out of sight, out of mind. Others aren't able to balance as well, and find their mind consumed with this new thing.

[LittleMissInnocent]

I don't know to be honest, sometimes I think my MM obsesses a little and then other times I think he just switches off when he is home with his W and family. Then again I don't really obsess about him, we are only new to this A so it may all change who knows.

[NoIDidn't]

I think that most MM compartmentalize. It just varies the amount that they are able to compartmentalize.

 

I also think that if the OW is obsessing, the MM is likely not doing so. Opposites attract, and all.

[fooled once]

Depends.

 

Each person is different.

 

But for the most part, I do believe that they go on as normal. They eat dinner with their family, they go out together as a family, they take care of the kids, etc. Their lives go on while the OW's life stands still until the next meeting with her married lover.

 

I do not believe a MM sits and checks email, checks voicemail, wanders around waiting. They have a life and a family -- if they didn't go on as normal, their spouse would become suspicious and start asking questions or wondering. And that doesn't bode well for the MM because then his double life would be blown. Plus, men aren't the emotional creatures that we women are.

[jj33]

I think it depends. Where there is an emotional involvement I think its rarely like normal (why else does an OW get texts at 11 at night or phone calls/emails when he is on holiday, at a family function etc etc)?

 

Because he is PHYSICALLY there and going through the motions but he is not emotionally and mentally 100% present.

 

But each case is different. During the A and for about a year after I got all kinds of communications from him during "family time" and often I would have to remind him that he needed to do certain things with his family rather than "making his excuses" and spending time with me.

 

Ha! Hard to believe now. My my how things change....

[SoAddicted]

Hi I'm new to the board and felt like its time to make my presense known instead of lurking on the different threads.

 

As all the other posters said, I believe every man is different. I know my MM has sent me emails, and IM's from his BB while he was sitting at home with his son or watching TV. I never initiate contact first, but he will go back and forth with me for 1/2 an hr or more at a time.

[jennie-jennie]

Hi I'm new to the board and felt like its time to make my presense known instead of lurking on the different threads.

 

As all the other posters said, I believe every man is different. I know my MM has sent me emails, and IM's from his BB while he was sitting at home with his son or watching TV. I never initiate contact first, but he will go back and forth with me for 1/2 an hr or more at a time.

 

Welcome, SoAddicted. Hope you find some comfort here. Just make sure you duck for the punches that will inevitably come in any OW's way.

[NoIDidn't]

Maybe its just me, but I don't see getting text messages during "family time" as proof that a MM is obsessing.

 

Its just part of the reeling you in game, IMO. It only takes a second or so to shoot a quick message to someone.

 

Obsessing to me is sitting around thinking about the person to the point of distraction and being unable to think about anything else. This kind of thing would be noticed by the betrayed spouse and not likely to be something that a MP trying to keep an affair secret would engage in.

[tami-chan]

My xOM/MM was always in contact with me....even in both our busy lives. One of the things I miss about him is because he made time to make it known to me that he was thinking of me-during court recess, family vacations, watching son play baseball, etc. We used to watch football or baseball "together"-he, at his house and me, at mine-we would be on the phone talking about it.

[Sanafa]

Why is it that when OW actually answer truthfully people want to "justify it" and spin in their favor?

 

Again.... many MM including mine did rush to the morning email.... did talk ongoing in text while with the family present (not just shooting a message), did hop on the phone the moment he was in the drive-way.

 

This is one of those frustrating things......... because you need to believe your H wasn't like that... but always saying any indication of them actually being involved in the relationship rather than the good ole' excuse- "reeling you in".

 

Sorry..... everyone including BS have to start getting a little more real and understanding that there is very much two sides to every story....and most likely you won't like the OW's truth anymore than your WS.

 

Just like the OW.... BS's cannot assume to know all just because they WS "got" honest...

[NoIDidn't]

Why is it that when OW actually answer truthfully people want to "justify it" and spin in their favor?

 

Again.... many MM including mine did rush to the morning email.... did talk ongoing in text while with the family present (not just shooting a message), did hop on the phone the moment he was in the drive-way.

 

This is one of those frustrating things......... because you need to believe your H wasn't like that... but always saying any indication of them actually being involved in the relationship rather than the good ole' excuse- "reeling you in".

 

Sorry..... everyone including BS have to start getting a little more real and understanding that there is very much two sides to every story....and most likely you won't like the OW's truth anymore than your WS.

 

Just like the OW.... BS's cannot assume to know all just because they WS "got" honest...

 

I don't see where I "justified" anything. I stated my opinion. You are free to disagree. IMO, I don't see how getting a text is obsessing on his part. I guess it could be, but I don't see it as that. I am allowed to state my honest opinion.

 

I do not appreciate the attempt to bring my H or my M into my answer. I have not attempted to tell anyone here what their MP was thinking, so please don't try to tell me what my H may or may not have been thinking. It has no bearing on what I posted in this thread.

 

Most of your post is your spin on what I never said. Please don't start that garbage again.

[SoAddicted]

Why is it that when OW actually answer truthfully people want to "justify it" and spin in their favor?

 

Again.... many MM including mine did rush to the morning email.... did talk ongoing in text while with the family present (not just shooting a message), did hop on the phone the moment he was in the drive-way.

 

This is one of those frustrating things......... because you need to believe your H wasn't like that... but always saying any indication of them actually being involved in the relationship rather than the good ole' excuse- "reeling you in".

 

Sorry..... everyone including BS have to start getting a little more real and understanding that there is very much two sides to every story....and most likely you won't like the OW's truth anymore than your WS.

 

Just like the OW.... BS's cannot assume to know all just because they WS "got" honest...

 

I agree completely. My MM texts me first thing in the morning and before turning in at night, he also calls as soon as he is out of earshot. Even when going away to visit his parents w/ his W he would lock himself away and have hour long conversations with me. At this point there is no reeling me in, he has me and he knows this.

 

To each their own if they don't want to consider this obsessing, but he is definitely more worried about what's going on in my house than I am what's going on in his.

[Sanafa]

I don't see where I "justified" anything. I stated my opinion. You are free to disagree. IMO, I don't see how getting a text is obsessing on his part. I guess it could be, but I don't see it as that. I am allowed to state my honest opinion.

 

I do not appreciate the attempt to bring my H or my M into my answer. I have not attempted to tell anyone here what their MP was thinking, so please don't try to tell me what my H may or may not have been thinking. It has no bearing on what I posted in this thread.

 

Most of your post is your spin on what I never said. Please don't start that garbage again.

 

 

Where did I bring your marriage into it?

 

Please quote me, I asked why people ( and yes that would be in reference to your post, but believe it or not- not only you...several do it) feel the need to justify or spin someone else opinion to make it work for them.

 

Now, I am not saying he Obsessed but you were suggesting that text is too quick or too short and they couldn't do it without raising flags.

 

I and many other OW have said that is not the case. Contrary to what BS want to believe many find the time... .and often when they are carrying on their family obligations and duties.

 

Since you are not the AP, personally - you really can't say..... as you don't know.

 

If you listen to both MM and OW/OM, often they will say it is exactly opposite and my point was... why the need to spin it?

 

Why not take the OW/OM/ MM/AP's word for it or at the very least not try to tear it apart with " I don't know how... that would not count, etc.

 

ahh... you were referring too " your husband".... again in general to those that spin things to make it easier to accept - not you personally.

[NoIDidn't]

This is my original post. I don't see any spin in it.

 

Maybe its just me, but I don't see getting text messages during "family time" as proof that a MM is obsessing.

 

Its just part of the reeling you in game, IMO. It only takes a second or so to shoot a quick message to someone.

 

Obsessing to me is sitting around thinking about the person to the point of distraction and being unable to think about anything else. This kind of thing would be noticed by the betrayed spouse and not likely to be something that a MP trying to keep an affair secret would engage in.

 

Where did I bring your marriage into it?

 

Please quote me, I asked why people ( and yes that would be in reference to your post, but believe it or not- not only you...several do it) feel the need to justify or spin someone else opinion to make it work for them.

 

Here is the quote that I interpretted as you bringing my husband into it.

 

This is one of those frustrating things......... because you need to believe your H wasn't like that... but always saying any indication of them actually being involved in the relationship rather than the good ole' excuse- "reeling you in".

 

Now it could be that you were being general about a BS's H, I can see that now. But all I did was state my opinion. I don't see getting an email or a text as obsessive. My opinion. That's all, nothing more.

 

If you listen to both MM and OW/OM, often they will say it is exactly opposite and my point was... why the need to spin it?

 

Why not take the OW/OM/ MM/AP's word for it or at the very least not try to tear it apart with " I don't know how... that would not count, etc.

 

I wasn't spinning anything. Again, all I did was state my opinion. I don't see those things as obsessing. I see how others, yourself included, can see it as obsessing because its so frequent for a time, but I don't see it as obsessing.

 

It just really comes across to me as stepping into that other compartment for a moment while at home.

 

I re-read the OP to make sure that I understood what she was saying. She was looking for a text for communication after her MM went home. She seemed to be saying that she didn't get it. My first response was that its depends on the MM and the OW as a *group* (I can't bear to say couple as many MPs wouldn't say they were a part of a couple when having an A - just being honest).

 

In my first response I noted that if the OW is obsessing, the MM usually is not. And the responses following mine seemed to prove that true based on what they defined as obsessing. If the MM is sending you a bazillion texts, you aren't likely to obsess about what he is doing or if he is thinking of you like the OP was doing.

 

Does that make sense now? I just don't think getting a bazillion texts is obsessive. Maybe its because I haven't been in that position. I guess I would just find it annoying. But I do see where it could be seen as obsessive. It just depends on the content of the text for me.dbt

[Sanafa]

This is my original post. I don't see any spin in it.

 

 

 

 

 

Here is the quote that I interpretted as you bringing my husband into it.

 

 

 

Now it could be that you were being general about a BS's H, I can see that now. But all I did was state my opinion. I don't see getting an email or a text as obsessive. My opinion. That's all, nothing more.

 

 

 

I wasn't spinning anything. Again, all I did was state my opinion. I don't see those things as obsessing. I see how others, yourself included, can see it as obsessing because its so frequent for a time, but I don't see it as obsessing.

 

It just really comes across to me as stepping into that other compartment for a moment while at home.

 

I re-read the OP to make sure that I understood what she was saying. She was looking for a text for communication after her MM went home. She seemed to be saying that she didn't get it. My first response was that its depends on the MM and the OW as a *group* (I can't bear to say couple as many MPs wouldn't say they were a part of a couple when having an A - just being honest).

 

In my first response I noted that if the OW is obsessing, the MM usually is not. And the responses following mine seemed to prove that true based on what they defined as obsessing. If the MM is sending you a bazillion texts, you aren't likely to obsess about what he is doing or if he is thinking of you like the OP was doing.

 

Does that make sense now? I just don't think getting a bazillion texts is obsessive. Maybe its because I haven't been in that position. I guess I would just find it annoying. But I do see where it could be seen as obsessive. It just depends on the content of the text for me.dbt

 

Maybe it's because I am really in a good mood today (not being sarcastic) but we actually agree:bunny:

 

I don't see it as obssevive either.... I don't... but we were fully engaged, regardless of whether he was home or not..... often out with the W at work related functions or the Juno's, lol.

 

Truthfully I really liked Spark's thread...... and have always said us * yes, us the BS/OW have more in common than I think either would like to admit too.

 

Chances are he loved us both..... he lied to us both.... and we loved him, both.

 

And that same sad man that OW are suppose to move on from because they deserve better is the same WS that BS choose to stay with, if we simply understand why we have chosen ( BS or OW) to stay...perhaps we can finally understand why saying " you deserve better.. your settling...etc, etc, isn't going to fly on either side of the fence.

[NoIDidn't]

And that same sad man that OW are suppose to move on from because they deserve better is the same WS that BS choose to stay with, if we simply understand why we have chosen ( BS or OW) to stay...perhaps we can finally understand why saying " you deserve better.. your settling...etc, etc, isn't going to fly on either side of the fence.

 

I agree. That's why I didn't say those things. LOL.

 

I can see why it would be considered offensive to say "you deserve better" to an OW, but not to a BW. The BW does deserve better. She's married to the guy. And he should treat her better. The OW deserves an available man - not one that's married to someone else. This is what people mean by the "you deserve better" to the OW in most cases. But you are right, it generally is NOT received well and that's because some are using it as dig.

 

I try not to say that because it puts OWs on the defensive even when you didn't mean it in that way.

[Sanafa]

I agree. That's why I didn't say those things. LOL.

 

I can see why it would be considered offensive to say "you deserve better" to an OW, but not to a BW. The BW does deserve better. She's married to the guy. And he should treat her better. The OW deserves an available man - not one that's married to someone else. This is what people mean by the "you deserve better" to the OW in most cases. But you are right, it generally is NOT received well and that's because some are using it as dig.

 

I try not to say that because it puts OWs on the defensive even when you didn't mean it in that way.

 

Ok, you are going to think I am picking a fight... I really am not... but I had to copy this quote from you in reference to another thread. Not to fight, but to share why at times....things come off hypocritical.

 

And I am no different... and I will be honest, as I get stronger and get myself back.... I have to a large extent stopped apologizing for loving someone. The situation was wrong, should have never happened...but it did... I loved him, and I believe he loved me. Life is precious and I spent weeks being tarred for being the OW and I do understand that... and weeks listening to if he loved you, he would have choose you.

 

But I had to find peace with the "us" part, not what lead us to it- that is a work in progress... but I had to trust my gut, my heart and in many ways my head...so at times I will come off as defence... it doesn't mean I don't regret hurting his W and family... I always will, but I won't apologize for loving someone with all that I am. Thats a gift no matter how it's delivered.

 

Anyway.... quoting you and I just want you to consider how easy it would be to throw it back at a BS.... it is kinda of dig...but just as much a reflection of a WS and his BS if she stays...... work with me here, please... not picking on you, really.

 

Eventually a woman in this position (OW to a MM or someone's BF/SO) will look into her future with this kind of guy and see him for what he is: a baby himself. And unless she actually wants a relationship with a baby, she'll (my fictional "woman") end it soon enough.

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think you are picking a fight. I just think you took that quote out of context. And it really only creates a threadjack. I try to avoid doing that where I can.

 

I was basically saying that the OW in my fictional situation would eventually see the MM for the selfish baby that he was. And would likely dump him.

 

A grown woman wants a grown man, not a child, not a baby. A MM cheating because his W just had a baby is really acting like a child and not an adult, IMO.

 

If you read more of my posts, you won't see me telling an OW who he chose and all that jazz in a way that demeans her. If the A is over, it doesn't matter why, it just matters that its over and who he is with. That's all. We have to judge people by their actions, not by how they make us feel alone. I would say the same thing to a BS. You should really get to know "my posts". LOL

[Sanafa]

I don't think you are picking a fight. I just think you took that quote out of context. And it really only creates a threadjack. I try to avoid doing that where I can.

 

I was basically saying that the OW in my fictional situation would eventually see the MM for the selfish baby that he was. And would likely dump him.

 

A grown woman wants a grown man, not a child, not a baby. A MM cheating because his W just had a baby is really acting like a child and not an adult, IMO.

 

If you read more of my posts, you won't see me telling an OW who he chose and all that jazz in a way that demeans her. If the A is over, it doesn't matter why, it just matters that its over and who he is with. That's all. We have to judge people by their actions, not by how they make us feel alone. I would say the same thing to a BS. You should really get to know "my posts". LOL

 

Fair enough....and truthfully... so tired I just skimmed the board.... maybe I will try to read more of your posts.....lol..... see.... another... never say never:p

[boxed_cat]

back to topic...

MM posting. Yes i obsess.

She is constantly on my mind. I jump when my phone shakes. When we are out of contact...i often have to force myself to be calm about the situation.

Given the chance to sms, chat, email, etc...i start to jump. i have to pull back and stop myself, especially when it is not safe for me to reach out.

 

i think the 'obsess' vs. 'not give a damn' is dependent on how emotional the MM is, and whether he is here for sex or for love (or emotional support?).

 

Previously I had acquaintances that, as MM in affair...made me sick. The OW was the only person who didn't know she was only a sex toy to the MM. These were men that could compartamentalize, and were not very in touch with their feminine side. Men that would never watch a movie on lifetime, or anything with molly ringwald.

 

My relationship...is much more than just the sex. i think that is because i'm a more emotional person.

 

ymmv

[jj33]

Savannah Im glad he contacted you but that response (which most people have while in the A) is EXACTLy what is wrong with the relationship.

 

Its that vicious cycle of happiness followed by longing followed by relief from teh longing and then happiness...

 

(not your relationship but the whole dynamic of an A)