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Should I work with him


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Been seeing older man who is not married but in relationship (They don't live together or have kids together, but it has become clear to me that he will not, under any circumstances leave her for me) for about 6 months seriously, although 'affair' started over 2 years ago.

Have worked for him freelance for a while (how we met). He has made it he cannot make a large amount of time for me in his life (he works like an animal and has hardly any free time- not even sure he makes much more time for gf to be honest).

He has recently had to find new premises for his business and I said I was looking for a workspace as I am tired of working from home. He is offering me a place in his new office (part-time), as I am also part of his working 'team' and that suits him (he had a dispute with people in his last office space and now only wants to share with his employees).

He is very clear about maintaining what he calls 'two separate' worlds- one for us and one for his gf & friends etc. I told him that I found office set up potentially difficult as his colleagues, who know his gf, might notice but he said he will be completely professional and seperate work from private life. He says he also trusts me to be discreet in this office scenario.

Why is he doing this? Is it just me, or is this a bit a. unrealistic and b. strange? I find him getting me to work with him with other people around is just weird, given the pains he has gone to to keep our relationship secret. Is he really so confident that no-one will notice (he is an expert compartmentaliser), or does he maybe want to get caught somehow? Although he has expressed no desire to leave his relationship (actually trying to end our affair on several occasions on the grounds that he 'can't love two women' & frequently telling me that I have to find someone else of my own age who is single and not expect anything from him), sometimes he does things that make me think the opposite - like putting himself in situations where he can get caught. In the beginning, when we met in public, he was very nervy. Now he seems to have no problem at all, going to cafes etc in public with me, walking around the neighbourhood late at night with me in an area where his sons live (and possibly his gf). I asked him today if he was worried about getting caught and he said that he always knows where his gf is and that she would never catch us (we have actually nearly been caught but he seemed very calm about it all). I think he had affairs when he was married (yes, nice guy huh?), but how can he be so sure? Anyway, this is a bit of a confused post. My questions for anyone with experience of this are a. is the office space share thing a really bad idea? b. why is he offering it to me? What is his motivation, since we are supposedly supposed to be living such separate existences ? And doesn't he realise that he is taking quite a risk? Any surely if he wants us to lead separate lives and me get on with a hunt for a 'real' partner, this situation wont do us/me any favours?

any useful advice gratefully received!

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I'm more interested in why you are considering doing this. Are you hoping that it will keep your A going? I really think this is a bad idea. When it blows up, and it will, you don't want to be stuck in that kind of working arrangement.

 

But, to answer you other question, my best guess is that yes, he thinks he won't get caught. The longer an A goes on, the more arrogant MM's get. They get cocky and slip. That's precisely what happened with my xMM. He told me numerous times that there was NO WAY he would get caught, EVER. He was so careful and discreet, etc. But, he got sloppy, and got busted, numerous times. Your guy sounds like he's on that trip now - thinking that he can do this forever.

 

So with no marriage and no kids, what IS his excuse for staying with his gf? For now it sounds like you are ok with this scenario, are you?

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Also sounds like he MEANS it when he says that he will keep your R a totally separate part of the workplace. Which means he may yell at you in front of other employees when you screw up. Or means that you may not get any sort of special treatment. Or means that you won't be going off to lunch together every day.

 

All of which is pretty normal for your basic working relationship. But can be pretty hurtful when you are screwing him on the side. I wouldn't be the sort who could hold back the tears when I got reprimanded for wasting copy paper by my lover.

 

Personally, I would never do it. I value my work reputation way too much to have people find out that I am f*cking the boss.

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torranceshipman

I'd say a big fat NO!! I am sure he sees this as a great way of passing you off legitimately to his partner as a 'work colleague' so now he can mention you as often as he wants and see you every day and he wont get busted - much more convenient and easy than before. It all sounds very unhealthy - you sound like you like him but you know he wont leave his partner for you OR make you a part of his life, so IMO it's a good idea to go NC and walk away, and working with him every day sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! If you work with him be careful you dont end up kinda putting your life on hold forever for this guy as you see him too often to get him off your mind.

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Thanks for yr advice! I am kind of ok, as I don't think I want full-time relationship (i need a lot of space) but ultimately, its very frustrating for me.

He is 50, I am 33. He has a problem with the age-gap (talks about it a lot). I think he thinks that if we get together, I will dump him for someone else when I want kids & he is at a diff stage in life. I think he is also a serial cheater. He was married for 30 years and was faithful for the first 10 years and then went awol during the next 20 and had a couple of very long-term affairs. I think he is basically not capable of monogamy for more than a few years at a time, but needs a marriage-like scenario in his life for stability/love, as so many men do.

He's not trying to keep me in the situation, to be fair. He's not promising anything. But he's also not trying to distance himself. When he's tried to end it (that only happens when I put him under pressure,never out of blue) it's easy to change his mind. God, the more I write the more I think, what an a-hole and what on earth am I doing.

I guess I want the office share a. because, yes, I want to see more of him, even on a platonic level, because we only see each other once or twice a week. The affair will carry on whether I work there or not. And b. I really am sick of working at home. But I am very apprehensive about it all.

I think he is also hoping that by the time we move in (Dec) I will have found a nice boy of my own age (although I am not so sure he'd really like it, in reality) and we can all be best buddies in the office. Yuck.

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I think he is also hoping that by the time we move in (Dec) I will have found a nice boy of my own age (although I am not so sure he'd really like it, in reality) and we can all be best buddies in the office. Yuck.

 

How funny. My xMM had the same problem because he is my senior by 16 years. But you bring up an intresting point - what if you do start seeing someone else? Men tend to be territorial and I think that in itself might cause problems in your working relationship. Tread very carefully.

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Why should he TRY to distance himself?

 

He isn't promising you anything. He encourages you to find a man of your own. He gets all the sex he wants from you, when he wants it, on his schedule, with no commitment. And when you pressure him too much, he dumps you until you beg him to come back for more sex with no commitment.

 

Of course he doesn't try to distance himself. He has it made with you.

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a. is the office space share thing a really bad idea?
No, it's not a really bad idea. It's a horrendously, atrociously terrible idea.

b. why is he offering it to me?

Because it suits him. You said so: "I am part of his working team and it suits him."

 

What is his motivation, since we are supposedly supposed to be living such separate existences ?
You said he can and does compartmentalize easily. He will have no trouble keeping you in your work box and play box when he wants.

 

And doesn't he realise that he is taking quite a risk?

Only if you give him away, and it seems that you are ok with being hidden, so he has no reason to believe you would do anything to disturb that. Besides, being colleagues who work together in the same office gives him a better excuse if you are seen in public.

 

Any surely if he wants us to lead separate lives and me get on with a hunt for a 'real' partner, this situation wont do us/me any favours?
It's not doing YOU any favors. Him, it doesn't impact at all because he already has a gf he plans to stay with, so nothing changes for him except that you are more easily accessible. But for you, yes, you will be more "stuck" and will not date others.
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Of course he doesn't try to distance himself. He has it made with you.

 

You are right, although I think in the past, he kept it emotionally and physically very distant because of guilt. And although sex on tap is nice, I am not sure it is as important as with other men. - that only seems to be part of it. Before we rekindled our affair properly, we spent a few months meeting platonically, as 'friends' to chat. Which was really weird, I can tell you. but after about the 6th meeting (at his place) he suggested I stay the night (on the couch) and of course we ended up in bed. But he didn't want to make the first move, I had to (absolving him of guilt - he was 'seduced' by me, although he engineered everything so that I would)

We then met reg and went to bed with no full sex for about 6 weeks (he said he was on a 'shagging' ban- sorry about the word- I'm British) then, of course he finally capitulated. Now its more a less a run of the mill affair with all the wild sex etc. But the whole intellectual thing seems to be as important as the sex, if not more sometimes. Which is also strange because I wouldve thought it would just be about the lovin'.

But sex or no, the stuff about it all being on his terms= You are completely right. It's not good.

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It's not doing YOU any favors. Him, it doesn't impact at all because he already has a gf he plans to stay with, so nothing changes for him except that you are more easily accessible. But for you, yes, you will be more "stuck" and will not date others.

 

Yes, other points def true -thanks - (I am on the verge of deciding against office thing) but he really is obsessed with me finding someone else. I think he genuinely really wants me to fall in love with someone who can give me want I want so that I a. don't make any more demands on him and b. am not alone and needy when I'm not with him. But he clearly hasn't thought the 'if I am with my dream man, I aint gonna want an affair any more with him' bit.

He also knows that I am a bit hot-tempered and unpredictable, and could well make life difficult for him, even if I say I won't. Thus it is still a strange offer.

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But he clearly hasn't thought the 'if I am with my dream man, I aint gonna want an affair any more with him' bit.
Maybe he has. He can always find another OW...you said he's a serial cheater. So, to him, you are replaceable with someone who will cause him less trouble than you do by wanting more from him.
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whichwayisup
He is very clear about maintaining what he calls 'two separate' worlds- one for us and one for his gf & friends etc.

 

I stopped reading after this line.

 

And you still want him? He is TELLING you, YOU are going to be second fiddle. You won't get to meet his friends, family, whomever..He wants to keep you away and a secret so he can have the best of both worlds.

 

Are you NOT offended by this?

 

Yet, you're still considering being with him and taking up his parttime job offer.

 

Hey, as much he's protrayed himself as a selfish jerk-off, atleast he's being upfront and honest about his expectations and what he wants.

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torranceshipman

Tbh I am not sure that trying to understand this man will get you anywhere. You have to be seriously messed up to move your affair partner into your office - he's a strange guy and tbh, has no character or integrity and sounds like an almighty pain in the ass who has no idea how to respect others. In the cold light of day this joker sounds about as far removed from 'dream man;' as it gets!!

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I couldnt agree more with what has been said.

 

I used to do all the same things with xMM and it was OK because if work colleagues saw us together we work together so there was no issue. I used to wonder what he would think if neighbors or friends of theirs saw us out together, or walking into his apartment building together, but he wasnt concerned.

 

the problem is you are (in your heart) looking at it as if it means that his actions dont match his words. They do. He is just more arrogant than your average bear.

So it is not a cause for "hope" that he means something different or that you should read between the lines. Dont. He means what he says.

 

And what about you? You work with him, you see him all the time. He says he wants to see you meet someone else but his actions say otherwise. What happens if you do meet someone and you discontinue your relationship with him?

 

How will that impact your space sharing agreement and your part time position? Everyone says that they wont let their personal relationship impact their working relationship but inevitably it does.

 

Dont do it. You are paving the way for big drama and not a good one.

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StoptheDrama

DON'T DO IT!!! Trust me, working with your MM can be very difficult. During and now after the A there are mixed emotions and the constant effort to maintain strict professionalism at all times. It added (and to a point still adds) a great deal of stress and anxiety to an already stressful situation.

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I may be barking up the wrong tree here but the fact that he wants you to find your dream man so you wont be alone when he isnt around suggests that he sees you as someone who is up for anything meaning that (1) you are "like him" you wont have a problem cheating on your new SO; and (2) he sees you as someone who will happily be on the sidelines for as long as it suits him.

 

Does this guy know you are in love with him? Does he get you at all? It would be one thing if he said he felt guilty (still shows he does not plan on leaving) but the signs are not good.

 

You may want to think about weaning yourself off him if you are in so much deeper than he is. You are in love and he obviously enjoys spending time with you but if you want more from him, it seems like a bad bet.

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A 6 week shagging ban?

 

Any chance that he was undergoing some type of treatment for a STD? You DO use condoms, yes, and go for STD on your own, right?

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I may be barking up the wrong tree here but the fact that he wants you to find your dream man so you wont be alone when he isnt around suggests that he sees you as someone who is up for anything meaning that (1) you are "like him" you wont have a problem cheating on your new SO; and (2) he sees you as someone who will happily be on the sidelines for as long as it suits him.

 

Does this guy know you are in love with him? Does he get you at all? It would be one thing if he said he felt guilty (still shows he does not plan on leaving) but the signs are not good.

 

Good question. No, he knows that I am in love with him - we have had enough big dramas about the fact that I am 'too' into him - he does get very guilty about me and sometime tries to persuade me as to how pointless the situation is, that it is a dead end and 'don't you want children and relationship with someone ' 'im too old' blah blah and 'you must find someone else' stuff. I do have other boyfriends (not serious). But, I think you are right. He is also totally unrealistic and his thinking is full of contradictions. I think he has deluded himself that if he installs me in office, whatever happens, the affair will continue, which it def won't if I do meet someone else.He is in some ways, extremely short-sighted : the office thing could actually work out really badly for him too, in various ways -he also stands to lose more than gf, but also rep amongst colleagues (it matters less to me as I have lots of other work/jobs - I don't need to prove anything at company) should I freak out which has already happened privately on a number of occasions. It's all very very 'messed up', yes, and full of disasterous potential, mainly for me but also for him. This also underlines how little respect he has for things in general. That's correct.

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Actually I have another idea, which some of you have already suggested in your responses - thanks. 'MM' knows I have recently met someone that I am casually dating and that I am really trying to stop myself putting my life on hold for him. Sounds strange but am starting to think that the office thing may also be his way of keeping the affair going, come what may. Making sure that even if I do get more involved with this other guy (like 'MM' says I should!!), me and 'MM' will still be seeing each other regularly. Maybe this is just paranoia, but I think its also about control, in a way. Whatever happens, he can still see me and know what's going on in my life, because I am working in his office on his terms. If I end affair, the finality/NC is somewhat diminished and massively undermined by us working in the same space. I know this may seem rather obvious to some, but is this also perhaps about control?

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yes but DONT DONT DONT. I have been through hell and back and still am 2 years later trying to work with xMM. Its AWFUL. The fights over nothing. The control freak things, the games, the goading, the button pushing all for control and attention.

 

Dont. Dont under any circumstances. Dont even waste time analyzing it. Just dont.

 

and who cares if you dont want to make it at that company. People know people. You dont want your reputation trashed just because hes arrogant enough to think it doesnt matter. This guy is a loose cannon. Its not good.

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whichwayisup

Find another job! Period, end of story. Enjoy dating and FORGET about MM. This whole situation, both affair and work is going to turn around and bite you in the you know where, then in 3-4 months you're going to come back posting about how devastated you are. Get out now while you can. Some fun, hot sex and whatever else is NOT worth the pain and rollercoaster ride you're about to go ..That and your work reputation is going to go down the tubes.

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thanks guys. I have just decided that I can't do it.'MM' is indeed a loose canon - even suggesting that we share an office is evidence that he is selfish and wreckless, and a bit mad, to be honest. That everyone unanimously said it was a really bad idea, helped confirm my growing feeling that it wasn't such a bright move. I only wish I had the same resolve when it came to actually ending things! Ha! That'll be the day!

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