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BSs: Why are you posting on an OM/OW forum?


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jennie-jennie

I am curious about what motivates BSs to post on an OM/OW forum.

 

Is it truly out of concern for the other women, women who are doing the exact same thing that some other OW did with your own husband?

 

Or is it because you believe affairs are morally wrong and hope by your participation on the forum some will stop?

 

Or because you still have a need to vent and work through your own experiences of being a BS?

 

What is your motivation?

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I was a BS, I post only for ALTRUISTIC reasons...to help human kind :laugh:! Sorry, I couldn't help it, Jennie.

 

I was also an OW to an OM who was married until a few months ago. I can only name maybe two or three BSs who genuinely want to help OWs (and that's because I do not really follow most of the postings of others)--and by 'help" I mean letting the OW "see the light"-being the OW is bad, nothing good will come out of it, the man never really loved you, etc.etc. and the only reason I believe they genuinely think they are helping is because they do so compassionately and without the degrading words/tone. All others are just trying to heal or trying to mete out verbal revenge by proxy...yep, displacement. Well, what can you do? You gotta do, what you gotta do to make yourself feel better, right?;)

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jennie-jennie

I always find your posts very helpful, Tami. You have compassion. I too have been a BS and remember my emotions during that time vividly.

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LucreziaBorgia

I think some of it is simply an opportunity to engage OW and try to see how things are from that side of the fence. It is rare IRL to be able to get that sort of perspective.

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AlektraClementine

I'm not a BS. Not even married yet. I read this corner of the forum from time to time though and sometimes post.

 

My motivation? My fiance's ex-gf was a real thorn in my side for a long time. I didn't understand her at all. How she could ignore our relationship entirely. Called and texted a lot. Tried all kinds of things to get his attention. She would have gladly become his OW had my fiance had any interest in it. I am such a different kind of person when it comes to men who are attached. I, as a general rule, am very loyal to my gender. And I guess I wanted to understand her better. That's what I thought. What I realized is that I was trying to figure out what I was up against.

 

Now that we've gotten rid of her, I read and post on the OW board because it's interesting to me.

 

I realize that it's a haven for the OW/OM so I try very hard not to be preachy or rude. No matter how much I get POd from time to time;)

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bentnotbroken

I post for the same reasons anyone posts in any forum, they have something they want to say.

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jennie-jennie

Interesting, Alektra. I had a friend who did that too. She cheated on her SO with his best friend, and then left to be with the OM. Then when her ex and I started to hook up, she came back for him as well. Oh, did she haunt me for many years of that relationship.

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I've made friends here who have helped me to understand the perspectives, motivations and heartbreak of their personal experiences.

 

Their counsel has been invaluable in helping me to heal.

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jennie-jennie

Spark, that is an understandable motivation. I can see how it can help you heal if you read with an open mind trying to see where the OW are coming from. I guess as OW we don't need to read elsewhere, we get the BS' perspective right here (unfortunately).

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I am not a BS.

 

But I post here because I can; as long as I follow the TOS and rules.

 

*shrug*

 

Maybe, just maybe, if some people open their minds, they could learn something from someone else. MAYBE some people want to learn and not just be so defensive about everything. Maybe some people want to see the other side of things. Maybe some people just like to gloat and hurt others.

 

The old saying --- take what you need and leave the rest -- goes a long way...

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I am not a BS.

 

But I post here because I can; as long as I follow the TOS and rules.

 

*shrug*

 

Maybe, just maybe, if some people open their minds, they could learn something from someone else. MAYBE some people want to learn and not just be so defensive about everything. Maybe some people want to see the other side of things. Maybe some people just like to gloat and hurt others.

 

The old saying --- take what you need and leave the rest -- goes a long way...

 

Ahhh...I agree! So maybe if we do not have a response we should not be telling people to stop posting or go somewhere else? :p

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I am curious about what motivates BSs to post on an OM/OW forum.

 

I hate to do this because it drives me crazy...but I'm going to anyways.

I'll answer your question with one of my own.

 

Why does it matter? Why does it matter if a BS posts here or an OM/OW posts "over there"? Are these labels so thoroughly constructed that this line, this wall, this word never comes down? That one "side" cannot reach for the other? Forever separate with each patronizing/slandering/attacking the other?

 

And people wonder how the Israelis and Palestinians can ever reach peace...we cant even get utter strangers with no direct wrong against the other to look past a label. Where's MLK when you need him?

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You are right Tami - and those should quit whining about how this is such an unsupportive place and complaining about it. My post, which you keep bringing up, was in response to a person's constant complaining about this board. If that person is so unhappy here, they should leave. Why stay at a place, voluntarily, when you are supposedly so unhappy *shrug*

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I don't know about the other posters.. but I never ever look at the 'forum'.. only the subject line.. and who posted the thread.. never the 'forum".. if the subject line doesn't interest me.. or if the poster is insignificant.. I just don't participate.. it's that simple as far as I'm concerned.. :o

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You are right Tami - and those should quit whining about how this is such an unsupportive place and complaining about it. My post, which you keep bringing up, was in response to a person's constant complaining about this board. If that person is so unhappy here, they should leave. Why stay at a place, voluntarily, when you are supposedly so unhappy *shrug*

 

But FO, "whining/complaining" is allowed here....this is a site specifically designed where people can vent their emotions, no? Why stay indeed? who knows? It does not matter. Anyone can stay. Anyone can post. Nobody has the right to tell them to go away, it IS a public site. ;)

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jennie-jennie
You are right Tami - and those should quit whining about how this is such an unsupportive place and complaining about it. My post, which you keep bringing up, was in response to a person's constant complaining about this board. If that person is so unhappy here, they should leave. Why stay at a place, voluntarily, when you are supposedly so unhappy *shrug*

 

I never said I was unhappy, I enjoy posting here.

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jennie-jennie
I hate to do this because it drives me crazy...but I'm going to anyways.

I'll answer your question with one of my own.

 

Why does it matter? Why does it matter if a BS posts here or an OM/OW posts "over there"? Are these labels so thoroughly constructed that this line, this wall, this word never comes down? That one "side" cannot reach for the other? Forever separate with each patronizing/slandering/attacking the other?

 

And people wonder how the Israelis and Palestinians can ever reach peace...we cant even get utter strangers with no direct wrong against the other to look past a label. Where's MLK when you need him?

 

You are reading too much into my question. I am genuinely interested and have learned much from the responses here. Perhaps some BS can also learn something about themselves by answering this question?

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Tami - I understand that.

 

The whining gets beyond annoying at times. And like I said, if you don't like the answers you get, or if you can't stop the whining, leave.

 

Don't we tell children to stop their whining or go to their room?

 

Some people actually DO get help here; some just like to whine.

 

And because it is a public site, does it matter that I say "if you don't like it, leave?"

 

:cool:

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Tami - I understand that.

 

The whining gets beyond annoying at times. And like I said, if you don't like the answers you get, or if you can't stop the whining, leave.

 

Don't we tell children to stop their whining or go to their room?

 

Some people actually DO get help here; some just like to whine.

 

And because it is a public site, does it matter that I say "if you don't like it, leave?"

 

:cool:

 

Interesting. So the whining is "beyond annoying" to you ( that's pretty intense :eek:), so it is safe to say you do not like it....so why don't you leave? I am not saying that you should...Just using your argument here.

 

Oooopps...sorry jj33, for the t/j!

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You are reading too much into my question. I am genuinely interested and have learned much from the responses here. Perhaps some BS can also learn something about themselves by answering this question?

 

Certainly.

 

I am here to learn and help. I've learned much from not only BS and WS...but from the OW/OM. In fact...I often learn more from the OM/OW.

 

And, they often appear to be in more pain...more in need.

 

Care to answer my questions?

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I am curious about what motivates BSs to post on an OM/OW forum.

 

Is it truly out of concern for the other women, women who are doing the exact same thing that some other OW did with your own husband?

 

No concern for them is not my main motivation although I do have concern about what many are doing.

 

Or is it because you believe affairs are morally wrong and hope by your participation on the forum some will stop?

 

I do think affairs are morally wrong but that's not why I post here.

 

Or because you still have a need to vent - not especially

 

and work through your own experiences of being a BS? Partly to work through my own experiences.

 

 

 

What is your motivation?

My main motivation is to come to an understanding of the mentality of OW - while they are not all the same I have observed that most affairs, married men having them and OW follow certain patterns within a few broad categories - as do the BS too.
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jennie-jennie
My main motivation is to come to an understanding of the mentality of OW - while they are not all the same I have observed that most affairs, married men having them and OW follow certain patterns within a few broad categories - as do the BS too.

 

I agree with you here, Sidlyon. There is however more than one way to interpret these patterns.

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Because it has all the gory fascination of a car crash.

 

Because it makes me feel good knowing I've never been an OW, because it makes me feel good seeing what my ex's OW went through and what sort of people they are.

 

Because I understand the feeling of not being worth very much.

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jennie-jennie
I hate to do this because it drives me crazy...but I'm going to anyways.

I'll answer your question with one of my own.

 

Why does it matter? Why does it matter if a BS posts here or an OM/OW posts "over there"? Are these labels so thoroughly constructed that this line, this wall, this word never comes down? That one "side" cannot reach for the other? Forever separate with each patronizing/slandering/attacking the other?

 

And people wonder how the Israelis and Palestinians can ever reach peace...we cant even get utter strangers with no direct wrong against the other to look past a label. Where's MLK when you need him?

 

It seems to me like the majority of the posters on the OW/OM board are indeed BSs. Depending on their motivation of being here it gives a certain slant to the board.

 

If the consensus is NC, then this will of course show in the postings. If the consensus is being intolerate to acceptance of an OW's decision to stay with the MM then that will show. If the consensus is being intolerate to an unapologetic other woman, that will show. That is no different than if that was the consensus of a board made up entirely of OW and OM. It might however be confusing to OW/OM who initially do not understand that it is mostly BSs posting here. And I am certain there are more BSs than OPs who cannot accept EMRs ever.

 

Think about it, how many OW/OM come here, open up, tell their story and never return, because they are met with hostility since they are not prepared to leave their MM, at least not yet. I would say most OP come and go, quickly. That can not be the intention of the board, that BS stay, but OP go. If you are not prepared to leave the MP, you still need support and being continually told NC as the only support available, is of no help to you.

 

If indeed the BSs were here to support the OP where they were at, and gently suggest NC as one of the alternatives, the tone of the board would be different. As it is now, too many BSs are pushing their own agenda and trying to come to peace with their own emotions at the price of support for the OPs.

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