Jump to content

Have any OW been persuaded?


Recommended Posts

Have any OW been persuaded to put an end to her affair with a MM by this board? If so, what was said here that helped you? Do you regret it ending the relationship?

 

Have any OW been persuaded by something else external to themselves to end their affair? If so, what was that? And again, do you now regret ending it?

 

I'm interested to know what exactly has helped OW end their relationships with MM if it wasn't something that came from within.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For me it came from within but my situation was different because I never expected him to leave never asked him to leave etc. I wasnt out to break up a marriage and I wasnt buying any BS story or reading into it that since there were marital problems he was leaving.

 

Absent a D day I think it typically comes from within. And what others say rarely makes a difference, which means the boards are most useful for venting or finding someone to support you in your pain or your dreams as the case may be.

 

I havent seen anyone stop because of the boards they may have gained the strength to recognise that their situation was not "different" (which is what everyone thinks - you are in cyberspace you dont know the reality he is my soulmate blah blah blah).

 

Either he is or he isnt. He may leave or he may not, but I think he has far less incentive to leave while the A is ongoing unless it is an exit affair. Why should he when he can have it all?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Thanks JJ, I wondered if it was the case that the boards probably don't help an OW to end it.

 

Do you think they may help to keep a relationship with an MM going? Do they validate affairs ever?

Link to post
Share on other sites

No I dont think they validate the affair but that is just my view I think many BSs will think it validates the affair and many OWs will feel trashed - just human nature....

 

I think the board is very valuable nonetheless. I found it helpful in confirming that most of the stories have a lot of similarities but each is unique in its own way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Have any OW been persuaded to put an end to her affair with a MM by this board? If so, what was said here that helped you? Do you regret it ending the relationship?

 

Have any OW been persuaded by something else external to themselves to end their affair? If so, what was that? And again, do you now regret ending it?

 

I'm interested to know what exactly has helped OW end their relationships with MM if it wasn't something that came from within.

 

 

I very much doubt that this board will persuade OW to end their affair... same thing with the BS.. I very much doubt that this board will persuade them to kick him to the curb.. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

I think if somebody is truly ready to walk away, they will ... And with the help of everyone here, doesn't matter if it's an OW or BS, or someone just passing through, any advice given is heard, enough to give an OW or OM the strength to finally get out.

Link to post
Share on other sites
bentnotbroken

I think the choice comes from within. I also think that the board does open doors to things not considered in the "fog" of the A, no matter what angle you are coming from. Some who are looking to end, but haven't committed to the idea 100% are probably helped more than others(BS & AP). The thing is support comes in many forms. And everyone won't find what they are looking for. Yes, this and other boards serve a purpose. For me they were eye openers as to how some people view life as if they live in a vacuum. I really didn't know so many people didn't really care about who they affect. It allows me to parent with a new view and to deal with people with a clearer picture, which is always important in personal growth.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I think he has far less incentive to leave while the A is ongoing unless it is an exit affair. Why should he when he can have it all?

 

Some guys are just not comfortable leading a "double life".

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you think they may help to keep a relationship with an MM going? Do they validate affairs ever?

 

Totally. Some of the reactionary, knee-jerk hysteria here made me more convinced than ever that it was the right thing for me. I SO did not want to be like those narrow-minded bigots!

Link to post
Share on other sites

No you dont understand at all and I dont feel the need to explain it to you. But to keep it simple his wife knew and didnt care. They lead separate lives.

 

No go ahead find some other reason to rage. Jasmine apologies for this thread jack no forgiveness's baiting is totally unresponsive to your question.

Link to post
Share on other sites
:laugh::laugh: The other favorite justification for screwing a married man. Oh it's ok really. His wife knew all about it. She just didn't care.:laugh:

 

and your point is??? If his W knew and she was OK with it.. what is the problem? :rolleyes:

 

I wish my first ex had a mistress.. I would have been OK with it..

Link to post
Share on other sites
ladydesigner
I just hate the excuses. You started off your answer with but my affair was different. No no it wasn't. An affair is an affair and if you have to justify it with I never wanted to be a homewrecker blah blah blah then you know it is wrong. If you are ballsy enough to participate in an affair then be ballsy enough to own up to it and not make excuses.

 

I don't think many OW/OM or WSs justify affairs with I never wanted to be a homewrecker. Personally that thought never came to my mind, me being the WS, and I was the homewrecker. I knew my OM had a long-term girlfriend and did I care, not really. I was so wrapped up in the emotions at the time that I believe neither I or the OM cared. Now it is a whole different story... the aftermath that is. I fully own up to what I have done as I'm sure many of the OW here have done as well. I don't make excuses for what I have done. I also do not regret what I have done...but I do know what I have done is very wrong.

Link to post
Share on other sites
complicatedlife
LOL I do not believe you.

WHO CARES WHAT YOU BELIEVE?

 

What in the heck are you contributing to the OP's post? Nada....zilch. Stop the continual threadjacking!

 

JJ and Lizzie - this person's done it to me as well - I think the best recipe is to just ignore this person. It is so obvious that some intense IC for acceptance and self reflection is needed here, and if the H/W is still in the picture, then intense MC - apparently, this forum is used for this individual's therapy!

 

Gee...I was JUST about to say I love how all of a sudden, the past few days' posts have been so humanitarian....

 

Now let me take my own advice and stop threadjacking....if I were still in an affair, I would have eventually left on my own for internal/self preservation reasons; staying in it would have made me an emotional wreck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There has been such a huge t/j already i just have to.

 

1. She has met me on several occasions and knows and knows me.

 

2. No he didnt have to say he would be home tomorrow because they have a number of homes, one of which I used to stay in with him.

 

So perhaps in no forgiveness's world what I was in what not an affair. Who cares? It does not justify the threadjack and does not justify her posts.

 

Again apologies Jasmine.

 

Jasmine, I should have added in my original response that I was already out of the affair when I joined loveshack but joined because I was having so much trouble dealing with being in continued contact with him.

 

And I got a huge amount of support. It has been very helpful. And seeing everyone else's stories has been helpful.

 

Who knows its possible I could have been dragged back into it if I hadnt been on LS so in a way perhaps LS persuaded me to stay out of it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

The first time I had an affair with a married guy support from both my friends and from some lovely people on this board helped me a lot to put an end to it soon (unfortunately it affected me for a lot of time, expecially after putting an end to it).

It is fair to say that the guy was a complete jerk, though, married or not.

My friends were very worried about me and very supportive. The posters on this board who actually helped me did not give me any 'tough love' but were very nice, supportive and understanding. One of them offered to be my NC buddy, a few others shared experiences. We compared stories. I hope all of them are doing well and are in happy relationships. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
if the wife knew and was ok it is not an affair. It is an open marriage with the wife saying go ahead and have a girlfriend.

Why you stirring the pot today, NFG? Are you having a bad day? It is not always an "open mariage when the BS looks away, its sometimes called "denial" My xmm BS did the same thing....

Link to post
Share on other sites
LOL I do not believe you. From reading your previous posts I do not believe your mm said honey I'll be home tomorrow. I'm going to go spend the night making love with JJ. Nope don't believe you but if it makes you feel better to justify it that way then good for you!!

 

I'm not angry. I'm bored and DISCUSSING affairs as the board describes. Don't you want to discuss your oh so different situation and what makes it different or do you not want to be that honest with yourself? I find the psyche of the ow absolutely fascinationg. Everyones affair is different!!

 

geez, NF, cool your jets...

 

Neither you nor I knew about our husband's affairs, but some women do know and really don't care. Some married people truly do lead separate lives (at first I wrote couples and changed it, as they really are not couples at all).

Link to post
Share on other sites
StoptheDrama

I think JJ had it right - without a D-Day it does come from within. At least that was the situation with me. I had 'ended' numerous times before but had always been sucked back in. It's been over a month since I ended it the last time and I've stuck with it. I'm getting to a better place now - one day at a time.

 

Posting and reading on LS helped me to gain clarity of my situation as I had no other means of expressing my emotions regarding the A. It didn't convince me to end the A, it just helped to reinforce my own convictions. I imagine that is probably the case with most if not all of the other members. We post and read this forum for our own reasons and will ultimately take away from it only what we want.

Link to post
Share on other sites

As a BS, at first I thought "I want them to hear the truth" of what happens behind closed doors in the aftermath. I was challenged and I challenged the challengers. Some of the challenges were pure crap. Others got me to think beyond things I had originally considered in my own life. I had to get real with myself.

 

I thought telling my story and that of my husband would be viewed as helpful. For some I hope it was, but many just made fun of me which kind of hurt.

 

If I were seeing someone I never would have in a million years thought they were going through personal problems that may have been attributed to their childhood or their problems with aging. I can now look back on some relationships I had and say that "aha'... maybe he was having a hard time feeling like his life was responsibility and needed to feel liked for just being a guy. The list goes on. I suppose it took a long time in terms of distance to it combined with getting my own teeth kicked in for me to see the entirety of it. At the time I felt like I was an elixir. Now I see that maybe it was just a phase for all concerned.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Gamine I know i have challenged you and if you want to know why its because you seemed to be very condescending to OWs and very nasty in the nicest possible way. Im sure you think you are being helpful but it doesnt always come across that way. For me, your posts come across as preachy and that would never have persuaded me, had I still been in the A when I came to LS.

 

Seeing more posts from you about your marriage over the past few weeks about your marriage I can understand why you may say some of hte things that you do. And I do hope that your husband proves worthy of your trust. You obviously love him very much and are giving your all to making a success of your marriage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Ok, first off no worries about the thread jack. I have no idea what Noforgiveness was trying to do, but she's obviously lost even more credibility as those posturings seem to tend to do, which makes them counterintuitive, which is odd!

 

Anyway, its very interesting to see what people have gained from this board. However, I wish more had said that they felt supported in their decision to move on from their affair. Maybe because so few actually make that decision, maybe because so few that do make the decision come here to discuss it...

 

I guess any venting a BS may have here is understandable and I can imagine it being a great help to her if not the OW. But that's all beside the point, I suppose my reason for starting this thread was to clarify, for myself, how the OW benefit from the board as the majority of what I've seen seems to be attempts at justification.

 

On that note, I wonder how many OW have to come here, and places like it, to justify their position because they can't give that reassurance to themselves. And they can't give it to themselves because in their heart of hearts they know its not justifiable. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ok, first off no worries about the thread jack. I have no idea what Noforgiveness was trying to do, but she's obviously lost even more credibility as those posturings seem to tend to do, which makes them counterintuitive, which is odd!

 

Anyway, its very interesting to see what people have gained from this board. However, I wish more had said that they felt supported in their decision to move on from their affair. Maybe because so few actually make that decision, maybe because so few that do make the decision come here to discuss it...

 

I guess any venting a BS may have here is understandable and I can imagine it being a great help to her if not the OW. But that's all beside the point, I suppose my reason for starting this thread was to clarify, for myself, how the OW benefit from the board as the majority of what I've seen seems to be attempts at justification.

 

On that note, I wonder how many OW have to come here, and places like it, to justify their position because they can't give that reassurance to themselves. And they can't give it to themselves because in their heart of hearts they know its not justifiable. :)

 

 

We justify what we want.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Gamine I know i have challenged you and if you want to know why its because you seemed to be very condescending to OWs and very nasty in the nicest possible way. Im sure you think you are being helpful but it doesnt always come across that way. For me, your posts come across as preachy and that would never have persuaded me, had I still been in the A when I came to LS.

 

Seeing more posts from you about your marriage over the past few weeks about your marriage I can understand why you may say some of hte things that you do. And I do hope that your husband proves worthy of your trust. You obviously love him very much and are giving your all to making a success of your marriage.

 

My thoughts exactly, jj33. Thank you.

 

Back on topic:

 

When I first came here, I didn't know what I wanted, what to expect, nor prepared to respond to the many questions (some were hurtful and accusatory). So this board forced me to do the introspection needed to be able to answer those questions to myself, or at least examine the scenario closer. This board also strengthens my belief that until you walk in the shoes of the other person, you really have no idea how or what it feels like to be in that other person's shoes, i.e. reformed cheaters who are now betrayed partners.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Jasmine to answer your next question, some people come looking for justification but more frequently I think people post to discuss the issue with others in the same situation or to vent or to get insights from other people in similar positions.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, I get that jj33. However I wonder what to what purpose.

 

If one were totally happy with one's position, with one's choices, then why bother posting on an Internet forum about it? Even bragging is a cover up for something negative. And if one isn't happy, then why stay in that position or continue to make the same choices?

 

Personally, I feel that everyone here is unhappy with some aspect of their choice(s) and is looking for a different way and for reassurance that a change is right. I believe even those that protest their happiness wouldn't be here unless there was something they disliked about being an OW.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...