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newbie here secret affair


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we have been married for more than 5 years now also i have a kid.

 

even though we are married we dont love each other as we used to.

 

now i have this other woman in my life and i know iam cheating on my wife.

 

i dont know how to go about telling my wife about her. I dont want to keep on cheating her.

 

My family is so closely knit this will be a bomb shell for them

 

so depressed what should i do :lmao:

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Devil Inside
we have been married for more than 5 years now also i have a kid.

 

even though we are married we dont love each other as we used to.

 

now i have this other woman in my life and i know iam cheating on my wife.

 

i dont know how to go about telling my wife about her. I dont want to keep on cheating her.

 

My family is so closely knit this will be a bomb shell for them

 

so depressed what should i do :lmao:

 

 

If you are sure you want to get a D and be with this other woman you need to have a conversation with your wife. Just be sure, because once you open this can of worms you are in for a ride. However, don't do what I did and keep the triangle going...it makes everything worse. Decide and then act soon brother...that would be my advice.

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I've just been cast aside by the married woman who I was seeing and who I was told was my soul mate and lover and every other platitude you can think of. If you having an affair, your not happy your relationship is broken and you should leave your wife. Carrying on with it will only make the other person as unhappy as you are. And trust me when you tell her your not leaving your wife, your wife will find out anyway, because the woman you spurn will turn evil. She wont be the breath of fresh air that your dating at the moment. The more you lie to each of them the more both of them will despise you.

 

Grow a pair and commit to one of them

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I've just been cast aside by the married woman who I was seeing and who I was told was my soul mate and lover and every other platitude you can think of. If you having an affair, your not happy your relationship is broken and you should leave your wife. Carrying on with it will only make the other person as unhappy as you are. And trust me when you tell her your not leaving your wife, your wife will find out anyway, because the woman you spurn will turn evil. She wont be the breath of fresh air that your dating at the moment. The more you lie to each of them the more both of them will despise you.

 

Grow a pair and commit to one of them

 

No truer words have ever been spoken.

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can you tell me what you did if you dont mind, i dont want to do the same

 

 

If you are sure you want to get a D and be with this other woman you need to have a conversation with your wife. Just be sure, because once you open this can of worms you are in for a ride. However, don't do what I did and keep the triangle going...it makes everything worse. Decide and then act soon brother...that would be my advice.
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Devil Inside
can you tell me what you did if you dont mind, i dont want to do the same

 

I kept an affair going for ten months. I wanted to leave my wife, but was too afraid of the consequences on my kids lives that I didn't act on it. Meanwhile my xOW was waiting for me to leave and be with her. She never pressured me, but I knew she loved me and I knew she was waiting for me to come to my senses.

 

She got sick of waiting. She told me that even if I left I would blame her for what would happen to my relationship with my kids. My action or inaction hurt everybody. I hurt my xOW...a lot...which I deeply regret. I hurt my wife and kids. The A was never discovered, but those ten months I really wasn't present, especially to my wife. I hurt myself, feeling guilty, compromising my integrity, and losing a woman I loved deeply.

 

If I could have gone back, I would have been realized I was not going to get a D, and I would have let my xOW know that before we went into an A and fell for each other. It would have been hard to not go with my feelings, but better then the ****storm it ended up in.

 

Good luck man.

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hey bro,

 

what is the point of getting in to a affair then, that means we are cheating our W right ? or we dont love our W.

 

I wish we could marry two wives like back in those old days :p

 

 

I kept an affair going for ten months. I wanted to leave my wife, but was too afraid of the consequences on my kids lives that I didn't act on it. Meanwhile my xOW was waiting for me to leave and be with her. She never pressured me, but I knew she loved me and I knew she was waiting for me to come to my senses.

 

She got sick of waiting. She told me that even if I left I would blame her for what would happen to my relationship with my kids. My action or inaction hurt everybody. I hurt my xOW...a lot...which I deeply regret. I hurt my wife and kids. The A was never discovered, but those ten months I really wasn't present, especially to my wife. I hurt myself, feeling guilty, compromising my integrity, and losing a woman I loved deeply.

 

If I could have gone back, I would have been realized I was not going to get a D, and I would have let my xOW know that before we went into an A and fell for each other. It would have been hard to not go with my feelings, but better then the ****storm it ended up in.

 

Good luck man.

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confusedinkansas
what is the point of getting in to a affair then,

 

There are people who do enter into affairs with no intention on leaving their spouses.

 

They do the whole affair thing for the adrenaline rush & the personal gratification & LOTS of other reasons. Why did YOU enter into your affair?

 

Do you intend to divorce your wife to be with this woman? If so, like others have said, telling her is a pretty good idea since she'll probably find out anyway.

 

IF you aren't going to divorce her & you are going to stick it out - & figure things out with your wife, personally, I am one that doesn't recommend telling.

 

(I get bashed for that a lot - maybe someday the lightbulb will go on - but for now I still don't see any point in upsetting the apple cart for no reason)

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Impudent Oyster
we have been married for more than 5 years now also i have a kid.

 

even though we are married we dont love each other as we used to.

 

now i have this other woman in my life and i know iam cheating on my wife.

 

i dont know how to go about telling my wife about her. I dont want to keep on cheating her.

 

My family is so closely knit this will be a bomb shell for them

 

so depressed what should i do :lmao:

 

Is it your intention to divorce your wife to be with the OW?

 

If not, then don't tell your wife and end the affair.

 

Those are your only 2 choices.

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Impudent Oyster
There are people who do enter into affairs with no intention on leaving their spouses.

 

They do the whole affair thing for the adrenaline rush & the personal gratification & LOTS of other reasons. Why did YOU enter into your affair?

 

Do you intend to divorce your wife to be with this woman? If so, like others have said, telling her is a pretty good idea since she'll probably find out anyway.

 

IF you aren't going to divorce her & you are going to stick it out - & figure things out with your wife, personally, I am one that doesn't recommend telling.

 

(I get bashed for that a lot - maybe someday the lightbulb will go on - but for now I still don't see any point in upsetting the apple cart for no reason)

 

I agree with your advice.

 

Somehow I don't think this one wants to make a choice, sounds like he wants them both. :rolleyes:

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I want to D or get Separted but not now she is school and i want to her to finish school.

 

I got in to A because i wanted some gratification that i could not get from my W :(

 

 

 

Is it your intention to divorce your wife to be with the OW?

 

If not, then don't tell your wife and end the affair.

 

Those are your only 2 choices.

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Impudent Oyster
I want to D or get Separted but not now she is school and i want to her to finish school.

 

I got in to A because i wanted some gratification that i could not get from my W :(

 

Oy vey....why couldn't she finish school if you got divorced? How long does she have left?

 

Oh and, spare me the sad face about the lack of gratification from your wife. I have a feeling that it's mutual.

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It is stressfull for her already with school, another 6 months left.

 

i believe it is mutual :eek:

 

 

Oy vey....why couldn't she finish school if you got divorced? How long does she have left?

 

Oh and, spare me the sad face about the lack of gratification from your wife. I have a feeling that it's mutual.

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bentnotbroken
hey bro,

 

what is the point of getting in to a affair then, that means we are cheating our W right ? or we dont love our W.

 

I wish we could marry two wives like back in those old days :p

 

 

:eek:There you have. More about no respect for either woman.

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confusedinkansas
I want to D or get Separted but not now she is school and i want to her to finish school.

 

I got in to A because i wanted some gratification that i could not get from my W :(

 

If you are waiting for a "good time" to come round - You'll be waiting a very long time. It will always be something! You have a child too....so there's always that. I can see planning to leave as in; saving money, finding a place to live - unless you'll be shacking up with your affair partner- then I guess there's nothing to plan for on that end.

 

Is you wife aware that you're unhappy in the marriage.....or at this "Good Time" will you be informing her? What is it EXACTLY you need from her that you're not getting?

 

If you're leaving a 5 year marriage for another woman - GOOD LUCK TO YOU! :eek: - Cuz in my opinion 5 years ain't nuttin'! You should still be somewhat in your honeymoon stages. Oh well.....:confused:

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whichwayisup

Get divorced now. You can still pay for your wife to finish school. There is NO good time to tell her you want out, though the sooner you do it, the sooner you can go live your life with your OW.

 

Just keep in mind that you're running away from issues that you more than likely will find again happen later in the future with your OW. To throw away your marriage, change the family dynamic like this without talking to your wife or giving her an opportunity to make the marriage better, and not do counselling is just crazy. One would think for the sake of your 5 year old, to give your marriage one last shot at working before you throw in the towel.

 

Have you even tried to talk to your wife? Is she just as unhappy as you are? Or is this a case of the grass is greener, more exciting and what you feel for the OW has helped you bury what you once felt for your wife..

 

Keep in mind, your (ex) wife will ALWAYS be in your life as you two share a child and you'll have co parent together.. So how this is handled will affect the future to a point. Respect your wife, atleast as the mother of your child.

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I want to D or get Separted but not now she is school and i want to her to finish school.

 

I got in to A because i wanted some gratification that i could not get from my W :(

 

You think she can't finish school w/o you? Oh man think again. Sorry, that rubbed me the wrong way. Women are not pitiful dependent creatures just being thankful they have a man, any man in their life. I think you will find quite the opposite.

 

So you stay so she can finish school. I trust that your wife is free to be gratified by another man? Or is it only you?

 

So...here's my advice. Don't stay. If you don't love your wife thats fine. You don't have to love her anymore if you ever did. But stop cheating and file for divorce. Trust me, you can still divorce your W and support her during school...its called alimony. Or you can simply codify that you are 100% responsible for her tuition IN the divorce decree. A divorce is a contract and can pretty much say whatever the hell you want.

 

Staying so she can finish school is one of the lamest excuses I've heard.

 

Man up buddy. File for D, find happiness on your own and allow your W to do the same.

 

JW

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confusedinkansas
Women are not pitiful dependent creatures just being thankful they have a man, any man in their life. I think you will find quite the opposite.

 

I agree 100% here.........BUT.........My husband was one that thought I couldn't make it on my own either. (Old School Theory) He was dead wrong.

We split up for 14 months & I was just fine. We're back together now & happier than we've been in a long time BUT...in the meantime, we are cleaning up the financial MESS HE created!!! Not me. All my bills were paid every month without his assistance!!! (& yes, he could have paid the household bills, he just chose not to & to party like a rock star with his money) - Oh well......Live & learn! So YUP - We women are pretty resourseful when given the chance!:cool:

 

OP - You'd be surprised how she'd figure things out.......OBVIOUSLY with your help since you have a child together!

You are aware that you are leaving one set of PROBLEMS & signing on for a whole new set of PROBLEMS? Right?

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I have a similar story and I am afraid there is no winner to what you are about to experience. You can check out my original post by doing a search on offset_man and to read all of the sordid details in the thread "this i pretty screwed up but..."

 

In a nutshell, I met a married woman and we continued an affair for 3.5 years and it was quite intense. She wanted out of her marriage very badly, was terribly jealous of my wife with whom she knew I was spending time with (out of necessity for the family). Her kids were younger 12 and 13 now, and she was a busy real estate agent so never home.

 

She never "pressured" me to make a decision, because she wasn't sure she was ready either, however as early as April of this year we looked at a condo together where she fantasized us living. But no one ever really thought through the practicalities and she was willing, as was I, to carry on the way we were which was just fine by me.

 

Of course I was in many ways absent from my wife, however I now realize since the OW has just ended it that the affair was keeping me happy in the house. I have gone into a bit of a tailspin since it ended in mid june.

 

This is a woman who said she had never loved anyone the way she loved me. Everyday there was an affirmation of her love for me. But I think what happened is that during a prolonged absence due to work issues from one another she ran into a guy who was leaving his wife and had a "big heart" she said and did all he could to sell her on the benefits of being with him. So the point I am trying to make, whether it is a D with W of splitting up with the OW, you are in for a bad ending, so make a choice.

 

By they way, that is what the OW said to me: the new guy has balls and he is getting out (ok -this new guy had no kids to deal with so her comment was rather wrong, as I have kids, now getting to the point where they are almost out of the house but not quite yet).

 

I was completely in love with the OW as she was with me. Follow your heart. Make a decision, but be careful, because one of th biggest concerns I have now is: would the OW have just left me for someone else (she in fact left another affair for me -thing about how crazy this is, she's now into her 3rd affair and still with hubby). that is a big fear that I have, leaving a loyal and still very attractive wife for the unknown.

 

I hope this helps, but as I told the OW when this all started over 3 years ago, "these things always end badly". For me it did and I have been in a lot of anguish for the past two months however I am getting over it and am now starting to sleet again.

 

Good luck buddy!

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I think you don't know what you want, which is sad for both women.

 

You should tell your wife that you're not sure that you want to be with her because you love another woman. You need to tell her so she has all the facts and can make an educated decision on whether she still wants to be with you. That would be fair.

 

You should tell the OW that you're not sure whether you want to be with her, too so she can make the same educated decision.

 

Right now you're the one holding all the information and you're being unfair to both.

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I think you are right :(.

 

i had an affair before and i broke up with the other OW because i was scared.

 

I have this same pattern happening again this time. that shows that i need to D my wife. she has never cheated on me :(.

 

Do i need to see a counsellor or something :o

 

 

 

 

 

You think she can't finish school w/o you? Oh man think again. Sorry, that rubbed me the wrong way. Women are not pitiful dependent creatures just being thankful they have a man, any man in their life. I think you will find quite the opposite.

 

So you stay so she can finish school. I trust that your wife is free to be gratified by another man? Or is it only you?

 

So...here's my advice. Don't stay. If you don't love your wife thats fine. You don't have to love her anymore if you ever did. But stop cheating and file for divorce. Trust me, you can still divorce your W and support her during school...its called alimony. Or you can simply codify that you are 100% responsible for her tuition IN the divorce decree. A divorce is a contract and can pretty much say whatever the hell you want.

 

Staying so she can finish school is one of the lamest excuses I've heard.

 

Man up buddy. File for D, find happiness on your own and allow your W to do the same.

 

JW

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Devil Inside
I think you are right :(.

 

i had an affair before and i broke up with the other OW because i was scared.

 

I have this same pattern happening again this time. that shows that i need to D my wife. she has never cheated on me :(.

 

Do i need to see a counsellor or something :o

 

Good insight. This has nothing to do with any of the women in your life. It has to do with you. I think you need to talk to a therapist about having issues with maintaining a relationship. Until you work on your core issues, you will never be happy with one woman...and you will hurt a lot of people in the process...especially your kid.

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we have been married for more than 5 years now also i have a kid.

 

even though we are married we dont love each other as we used to.

 

now i have this other woman in my life and i know iam cheating on my wife.

 

i dont know how to go about telling my wife about her. I dont want to keep on cheating her.

 

My family is so closely knit this will be a bomb shell for them

 

so depressed what should i do :lmao:

 

hmm. I would analyse the relationship with my wife DISREGARDING this other woman in your life.

Would you divorce her if you didn't know this other person?

The worst thing you can do, is divorce your wife in the expectation that the relationship with the other women will be perfect -- that's not a good enough reason and rarely works in reality.

Also -- think of your children as well.

Unless your marriage is awful and unsalvageable -- I'd try to work on it.

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hmm. I would analyse the relationship with my wife DISREGARDING this other woman in your life.

Would you divorce her if you didn't know this other person?

The worst thing you can do, is divorce your wife in the expectation that the relationship with the other women will be perfect -- that's not a good enough reason and rarely works in reality.

Also -- think of your children as well.

Unless your marriage is awful and unsalvageable -- I'd try to work on it.

 

 

when it comes to children this is how i look at it , imagine i am dead, my kids will still live and life will still continue.

 

I will see a therapist, also the previous OW left after i told them i was married :o

 

so i dont have a problem maintaining relationships.

 

I dont have any intimacy with wife, she is not interested in it either.

 

We dont sleep together on one bed :o

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Devil Inside
when it comes to children this is how i look at it , imagine i am dead, my kids will still live and life will still continue.

 

I will see a therapist, also the previous OW left after i told them i was married :o

 

so i dont have a problem maintaining relationships.

 

I dont have any intimacy with wife, she is not interested in it either.

 

We dont sleep together on one bed :o

 

OK...some friendly advice from a therapist and former AP.

 

Will your kids live with you out of their life...sure. However, I cannot tell you how many adolescents I see in my practice that are struggling with abandonment issues because their fathers left the family. You are modeling relationship behavior for your children. There will be effects for them...don't fool yourself. This doesn't mean you should stay married, but I hope you can find a way to be in their life.

 

You do have problems maintaining relationships. You are on your second affair only five years into marriage. No need to be in denial, it's easy to see that this is an issue. I'm just saying, your OW may seems like the best thing ever, but unless you work on some of your stuff, then you will end up cheating on her.

 

If you no longer have any intimacy with your wife and neither of you want to...then get some MC or split up. Because right now you are on a road of destruction my friend...trust me on that one.

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