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MistyK - how are you doing?


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There was a breach on Friday after he barraged me with phone calls and texts. He said he just wanted to apologize. So I took the call and he issued a half-assed apology about his saying he was going home, that he didn't mean it and was just having a moment. It would never happen again, blah, blah. He was supposed to call me after he got home from doing errands that night - I was at home packing for my Saturday flight. I never got a call and drove by his wives house at 3 am on my way to the airport. Sure enough, his car was there parked next to hers. So now he not only broke a huge promise not to sleep there, he lied to me about it, and so now I wonder what other sneaking he did behind my back. So I got into his email and found several notes from his W confirming that he told her that he was working to come home. And they were as recent as last month. She even made room in the closet again.

 

I called him when I landed and screamed into the phone as he tried his best to backpeddle, justify, and beg forgiveness. I have come to the conclusion that he is the scorpion and I am the turtle. It is his nature to be a jerk. He is dead to me. Nothing he can say or do will change anything.

 

I have been such a fool. I gave him my heart and the only one he really loves is himself.

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whichwayisup

I know you're hurting misty..Take care of you.

 

He's a sh.it, a total liar and he knows now you know that.

 

Hopefully this will make NC abit easier since the anger is definately there now!

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I know you're hurting misty..Take care of you.

 

He's a sh.it, a total liar and he knows now you know that.

 

Hopefully this will make NC abit easier since the anger is definately there now!

 

Absolutely it will. But it stings to know that he wasn't who I thought he was and that he probably never loved me at all.

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It doesnt mean he didnt love you - it just means he is a weak cowardly lying selfish weasel of a SOB.

 

So he wasnt who you thought he was and he's noone you want in your life. Pity his wife. She is stuck with him....

 

Hang in there. The worst will be over soon.

 

Big hugs

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It doesnt mean he didnt love you - it just means he is a weak cowardly lying selfish weasel of a SOB.

 

So he wasnt who you thought he was and he's noone you want in your life. Pity his wife. She is stuck with him....

 

Hang in there. The worst will be over soon.

 

Big hugs

 

I do feel sorry for her. He has treated her as bad or worse than he's treated me. I know she would drop him too if she knew what i know. I am half tempted to enlighten her, but she wouldnt believe me anywa

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Thats the problem isnt it. As much as he hoodwinked you, imagine how it is for her. She is so invested in believing... and unlike you, she doesnt have access to his emails, she doesnt know the whole story and if she heard it from you, she wouldnt beleive you.

 

And what good would it do? She KNOWS that he was with you, that he left that he has been waffling and she chooses to stay. Maybe not for love of him, maybe for the children, maybe finances, maybe fear of being alone.

 

But all you can do is move forward. Bruised for now but each day will get better.

 

Hang in there

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As much as it hurts, I am actually glad for what has happened.

 

I am not sure if THIS will really make you stop believing him, stop trusting him, stop letting him back in.

 

I know you wanted to believe in him *hug* I understand that. And I really truly do hope that THIS will stop you for continuing all this with him.

 

You really DO deserve better.

 

I feel so bad for his wife. She has no idea of the kind of sicko she is married to. She has no idea what a liar, a deceiver, what a cheat he is.

 

I hope you truly ARE done with him. I can't wait for you to focus on a NEW life without him.

 

Not sure if you are on vacation or not, but I hope you DO enjoy yourself and start healing and start building a better future for you and your kids!

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StoptheDrama

Misty - I am so sorry you are going through this and have been hurt by him again...I understand how much you love him and, despite everything, you wanted to believe in him...YOU are strong and YOU are fantastic! Don't ever forget that.

 

Boatloads of support for you...

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I still can't sleep without sleeping pills or eat much. I have so much anger and I cry for the loss frequently. He is of course asking me to come back already, having supposedly seen the light and terribly regretting what he did last week, but I am refusing.

 

He's made more empty promises about how he was going to surprise me with his D decree (the papers haven't even been signed by him or the W yet) and propose to me, etc. I feel that if I take him back now, he will have learned nothing and still try to play it both ways. He just wants to smooth things over like he always has and honestly, I get the feeling that he is largely doing this because he can't let go of anything - he just wants what he can't have. He does the same thing when his W says she's done with him, trying to smooth things over. He claims to be done with that now and will pursue life without her -with or without me.

 

I really feel that the damage has been too great now, and I don't think he will be able to make anything resembling appropriate boundaries with his W if they ever do manage to get D. And how could I ever trust him again anyway? As it was I was constantly in fear of him throwing more knives in my back and I even said that to him only a few hours before he went to sleep over at the W's house. And he did it anyway. It was the proverbial straw that will keep me away from him I think.

 

I am still in shock (though I know that I shouldn't be surprised that he betrayed me) and I wake up every morning with the weight of all of it on me like a truck. I suppose that's how his W felt. I feel SO awful. All the dreams I had for us are dead and I feel so empty.

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Misty

 

I am really sorry that you are in such pain.

 

I know you said that MM has a phone on your plan and you can't cancel it without paying penalties..... But is there anyway you can avoid him. Can you screen his calls? Have you blocked his emails?

 

Because Misty, He knows he is hurting you. He is just too selfish to stop himself.

 

He won't protect you from the pain caused by his bad behavior so you are going to have to protect yourself. Don't let him rip you to shreds like this.

 

Tell him you don't want to hear from him again. Tell him that if he does not respect your wishes in this you will help his divorce process along by putting the physical aspect of your affair out in the open for his wife to see in a way she can't possibly ignore. AND follow through.

 

I really hope things get better for you soon.

 

Take care.

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I did suspend his number on my account, which essentially disables it. But I have no caller ID and no way to block him from calling me at work. I just have to hang up on him, but I have such a hard time. So I just listen to his lament, sit in silence, and then he talks about the details of his day, can he see me today just for a few minutes ("No"), etc. I said to him "why can't you leave me alone, you still can't cut the cord with your W." He said he's done some soul searching over the past week in which we didn't speak and now miraculously he "gets it", but I've heard that song and dance before. Ugh. Why did he have to ruin what could have been so beautiful with his selfishness and "indecision"? It nauseates me to think about it.

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I think you have invested a lot of yourself in this relationship. I think you have given it your all and have only seen your future in terms of a future with him. He gave you reason to do this as he moved out of the marital home. Maybe you even compromised your own ethics to be with him. Is is possible that NOW you listen to his lamentations because you don't want to think you invested yourself so much for nothing?

 

Maybe deep down you are still harboring a little hope that he really will come through?

 

I come from the other side of the infidelity coin. I was a BS and I reconciled with my WS. I get that when you love someone you see the wrongs they do as not indicative of their humanity. I can see it Misty if they are taking real action to change and be better. You MM is just doing more of the same. He will take just enough action to get you on the hook again and (whatever he says about his wife) he is holding on to the wife with everything he can muster too.

 

He wants you both. You know this. He has not done anything to prove that things are different now. You listening to him lament is just keeping you hoping that because he loves you he will change. It is also giving him hope that words alone will sway you back to him. AND Misty it is hurting you.

 

Your MM is not looking out for you Misty. You have to look out for yourself.

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I did suspend his number on my account, which essentially disables it. But I have no caller ID and no way to block him from calling me at work. I just have to hang up on him, but I have such a hard time. So I just listen to his lament, sit in silence, and then he talks about the details of his day, can he see me today just for a few minutes ("No"), etc. I said to him "why can't you leave me alone, you still can't cut the cord with your W." He said he's done some soul searching over the past week in which we didn't speak and now miraculously he "gets it", but I've heard that song and dance before. Ugh. Why did he have to ruin what could have been so beautiful with his selfishness and "indecision"? It nauseates me to think about it.

 

 

I was thinking of you today and wondering how you are.....

 

Seems more of the same.

 

Please hang up on him. When you listen to him, it validates him. It strokes his ego. Quit listening to his lies. Quit being there "for him" to vent to. Quit. Quit. Quit.

 

ONLY when you do that will you begin to heal. Once he sees you are serious - by NOT taking his calls - will he stop calling. Tell him you will be calling his wife to reign him in if he doesn't stop.

 

Each time he calls, it is like ripping the scab off. It takes your heart longer to heal.

 

I think you DO want to believe him; but you can't. He is a KNOWN liar. He has hurt you so many times. Stop letting him hurt you.

 

*hug*

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Aquarius Rising
Absolutely it will. But it stings to know that he wasn't who I thought he was and that he probably never loved me at all.

 

I am glad that FO asked how you were doing, I have been thinking of you too.

 

You have been through hell with this guy .... but be gentle on yourself .... you could not end this relationship before now because you didn't have all the cards in the deck. It's sounds like you have now and your ready to end the game ..... don't beat YOURSELF up Misty K .... take care of the little girl inside of you that wanted real love ... she needs holding right now ... there is real love and there still is hope ... just not with that MM.

 

I'm going through a similar process of finding out who my MM really is .... having spent the last month being intensely intimate with me ... he is now back in his native country with his W and children ... and after having contact with him several times a day ... I have heard nothing now for 6 days. The one thing I asked for before he left was a reliable way of staying in touch with him .... he dodged it right up until the last minute ... I believed him when he said he was just so busy getting ready for the trip he hadn't got around to it. Bottom line is ... if I were important enough he would have made that a priority.

 

It is so painful to accept that the person we gave our heart, soul & body to ... was really only looking after his own selfish needs and interests... as you can see that is the conclusion I am quickly reaching with every day that passes without contact.

 

When I think about my relationship with MM it has always been love/hate. I love the way he is able to make me feel ... I hate the way I allow myself to let him take that away from me time and time and time again when it suits him to ... giving him the power to do it by not ending the relationship.

 

Misty K ... the day he left I thought I was going to die. 6 days on, I already know I'm gonna survive ... no problem. Look around you at the things you still have ... the family ... the friends ... the special people in your life ... the special things you love to do ... look at ... and hold ... if we focus only on what we have lost ... we will be forever that ... LOST!!

 

I am here for you and so are many others here. It's a long and winding road but if FO is any example of survival then we have much to be hopeful about.

 

AR (hugs) :):):)

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I did suspend his number on my account, which essentially disables it. But I have no caller ID and no way to block him from calling me at work. I just have to hang up on him, but I have such a hard time. So I just listen to his lament, sit in silence, and then he talks about the details of his day, can he see me today just for a few minutes ("No"), etc. I said to him "why can't you leave me alone, you still can't cut the cord with your W." He said he's done some soul searching over the past week in which we didn't speak and now miraculously he "gets it", but I've heard that song and dance before. Ugh. Why did he have to ruin what could have been so beautiful with his selfishness and "indecision"? It nauseates me to think about it.

 

Misty, could you try calmly telling him next time he calls that you are happy to make a harassment report if he continues the unwanted pursuit? That worked for me with the MM or guys who have been a pain for me.

 

Perhaps it is not as easy for you because you are emotionally attached. I was never in that sort of situation, but whenever friends, colleagues etc have tried to "cross the line", and a gentle brush off, followed by requests for it to stop,haven't worked, a threat of a police complaint always worked like a dream!

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Still struggling with anger and sadness. I dropped about 5 pounds so far, and I'm still eating more of necessity than desire. I have to force it. But I was finally now, for the 1st time in weeks, able to sleep for about 5.5 hours straight last night (without pharmaceutical assistance). I don't think I'll ever be the same. I will have a concrete wall and barbed wire around my heart for a long time I think.

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*hug*

 

I felt that same way too. I swore I would never date again :laugh: after the affair ended.

 

Who knew I would meet my H a few months later.

 

Are you still talking to him?

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Montclair0011

MistyK - I feel bad for you and feel like I'm going through something similar. The pain is so pervasive and constant. I have a feeling it will work out for you, however. Not necessarily with this guy, but I think you have good times coming down the road. You are figuring things out in a sane way and healing. You have the ability for insight which is very helpful, although not always helping to end the pain. I'm not sure how long you will be in this pain but it WILL end. I'm sending good wishes out your way.

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Are you still talking to him?

 

He still occasionally calls and leaves messages at work. I am too afraid to pick any outside calls, so I let the vmail get everything. I do listen to the messages. He seems to feel now that I made a big deal out of nothing, though he does admit that it "looked bad". I looked back through my journal and I see that this is at least the 4th time we've fought over the same issue, so it's not like he didn't know it was VERY important to me. And then there's all the other crap - how can I forget about all that's happened?

 

Now of course he claims that he realizes what a jerk he's been and that he stayed "on the fence" too long. If I will only come back to him, he's "sure" that he wants only me now. Supposedly his D will be final in a couple weeks - just waiting to sign off on deeds next week and the judge's order after that. But if so, I tend to think he's trying to see if I'll reach out to him BEFORE he signs everything so that he knows he has me as a fallback.

 

I'm honestly thinking it doesn't matter if he finds redemption now, if he divorces her and starts living honestly. There's been such overwhelming damage. I should have left him a year ago, then maybe we'd have had a chance (but then, he probably wouldn't have moved out then either). Oh well.

 

It pains me to give up the dream tremendously. I've loved him so deeply for so long. I'm trying my best to focus on other things because I am most content when I am thinking of something else.

 

The good news is that my layoff is over and I have income again. Yay!

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GreenEyedLady

That's good news Misty about your job!

 

You seem to really be thinking and asking yourself the hard questions.

 

You're very smart and you'll do the right thing for you.

 

GEL

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He still occasionally calls and leaves messages at work. I am too afraid to pick any outside calls, so I let the vmail get everything. I do listen to the messages. He seems to feel now that I made a big deal out of nothing, though he does admit that it "looked bad". I looked back through my journal and I see that this is at least the 4th time we've fought over the same issue, so it's not like he didn't know it was VERY important to me. And then there's all the other crap - how can I forget about all that's happened?

 

Now of course he claims that he realizes what a jerk he's been and that he stayed "on the fence" too long. If I will only come back to him, he's "sure" that he wants only me now. Supposedly his D will be final in a couple weeks - just waiting to sign off on deeds next week and the judge's order after that. But if so, I tend to think he's trying to see if I'll reach out to him BEFORE he signs everything so that he knows he has me as a fallback.

 

I'm honestly thinking it doesn't matter if he finds redemption now, if he divorces her and starts living honestly. There's been such overwhelming damage. I should have left him a year ago, then maybe we'd have had a chance (but then, he probably wouldn't have moved out then either). Oh well.

 

It pains me to give up the dream tremendously. I've loved him so deeply for so long. I'm trying my best to focus on other things because I am most content when I am thinking of something else.

 

The good news is that my layoff is over and I have income again. Yay!

Hi Misty, Glad your holding up. Please dont give in now. Tell him to contact your AFTER the ink is dry... and then he will need to go to couple counseling with you to heal the damage he has done. Only by waiting till after the D and CC, do you stand a chance... ((hugs)) I know you can be strong, mino
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