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when a man tells you he is holding back his feelings for you


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Old 18th July 2009, 11:06 AM   #1
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when a man tells you he is holding back his feelings for you

I have a very good male friend.. we do concider eachother best friends. However, he has alot going on in his life. (stressful situations, when it rains it pours) Then, there is me.. who is in a commited relationship---and can't seem to get out of it. (meaning, leaving the person- b/c of not wanting to hurt them etc)

Well, my friend and i have not had sex, just some heavy petting. We both know its wrong.. He tells me over and over he cares about me, has feelings.. but then he also tells me in another breath that he is holding back his feelings???????????? so does he have feelings or not?


I know i am being selfish.. how can i expect someone to let go how they feel about me, when i haven't attempted to do something about my current situation.

I know the answers to what i SHOULD do......... but please tell me if you would. If you TELL someone your holding back feelings. What exactly does that mean.. You have those feelings, but just aren't going to let them controll you? Or you don't, and refuse to give in to them?
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:08 AM   #2
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Does he know you're already in a relationship?

If he does, then that's probably why he says he's holding back. He knows you're already involved and doesn't want to play the part of the OM.
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:14 AM   #3
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I think he's telling you that, since you're already committed, he's protecting himself..in other words, he's controlling his emotions...

or he might just want to get into your pants.. since he can't have you... and then go AWOL..
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:15 AM   #4
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(meaning, leaving the person- b/c of not wanting to hurt them etc)
But you'd rather hurt your partner by cheating on him??? Please, BE honest with your guy and END IT. Better to break it off with him now than betray him by cheating on him.

Anyway, it means he has feelings for you but has no plans on pursuing it because you're in a relationship. (or are you married?)
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:41 AM   #5
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I know you guys are 100% right in our replies

I know i should be honest, and cheating would hurt my guy more in the long run.

The problem is.. i have been battling my feelings in my current relationship for a long time. We get along perfect, i have a great life with him. BUT, i am not inlove, not sure i ever was. I think i would be stupid to let such a great person go... Sometimes you make a decision (if i decide to leave) and i could be losing the best person in the world. And i truely believe, from past experience while trying to breakup... that if i did, there would be no going back. He told me once before.. i brokeup with him, he does not back peddle, and would never take me back.

I know i am being selfish. Untrue to myself and the person i am with....... i battle this everyday.

So holding back feelings? i know this should be easy to understand. i guess i just don't want to except what it really means.

By holding back, he doesn't have them?

He said he has alot of feelings for me, then on the other hand he tells me he is holding back feelings b/c i am in a commited relationship AND he is going through alot in his own life right now.
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:47 AM   #6
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and yes he knows i am in a relationship

He doesn't ask me to leave it.............

I am so upset, b/c i don't want to lose him as a friend. I know in the end i will if I DON'T start controlling MY feelings.

I feel like... he wants to hold back his feelings, doesn't want to have sex with me b/c he knows its dead wrong--and i agree.

But, he is very attracted to me, as i am to him. I am very aware guys, and women CAN just be attracted and act upon it, without feelings..

I have feelings for him big time, but i am trying to figure out... is it just that he is horney for me--- that he acts the way he does towards me?

I know.. i should know the answers... and i prob. do and just don't want to admit it to myself
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:51 AM   #7
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meaning

I guess i get so confused... that he tells me he is holding back, but he loves to hang out with me, we have fun, we love to talk-- but the bad part is... very attracted to eachother.


I guess what i am trying to get at is... why can men.. hold back their feelings the way they do.. and when they saying they are holding them back, but on the other hand.. say they have feelings for you --what does that mean?

He has feelings, but he won't allow himself for them to turn into being inlove?
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:53 AM   #8
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Originally Posted by 888confused View Post
I know.. i should know the answers... and i prob. do and just don't want to admit it to myself
Bingo. You just nailed it.
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:55 AM   #9
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I feel like

He would want to me to leave and be free IF he really had STRONG feelings.............
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Old 18th July 2009, 11:57 AM   #10
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Holding back = you aren't allowing to have them at all?

Or just not let them go past a certain extent?
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Old 18th July 2009, 12:04 PM   #11
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Hi Confussed, Sometimes its better to keep him as your soul friend ! My best friend is a guy, already 20 years. In our 2 or 3 year of friendship, we too, were confusse, but just for a moment. Our feelings were so intense we were not sure what to do with them. We shared so much, had so much in common, he was my rock and I his. We sat for hours talking and the world around us felt it stopped when we were together. We talked about our feelings, we didnt cross the line. It would have been easy. But we knew we were supposed to be friends for life.. We didnt want to mess that up. Today looking back, I am sooooo glad that we didnt cross the line. I have been blessed with my soul friend who is still and always will be a huge part of my life. He is the one I can turn to when I am down, he is Always there and will fly around the world for me if I needed him, and vice versa. We have had several partners in those 20 years, Guess what, they are gone... but my soul friend,nope he is here to stay!!
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Old 18th July 2009, 12:04 PM   #12
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I think you are feeding yourself rationalizations on many levels.

1. We havent had sex yet - we have only engaged in heavy petting.

How would your partner feel about that. Oh its ok. Blow him if you want, so long as he hasnt stuck in in yet?

You are having a physical affair. Accept that.

2. You dont want to hurt your partner. You are cheating on him - unless you are going for the old if a tree falls in the forest and noone hears it has it fallen, you have hurt your partner. He just doesnt know it yet.

3. Why would he ask you to leave? I NEVER asked xMM to leave. Your relationship with your partner is between the 2 of you. Its unfair to expect someone to lure you out of it.

Either you are in or you are out. Its not his responsibility to be the one to say you must leave so that you can tell yourself you are leaving because you did it to be with him. He might be a catalyst but you have to be prepared to be on your own if things dont work out with him for some reason.

And to answer your question why is he holding back and what does that mean. It could mean any of a milloin things. It could mean he isnt sure what would happened if you left (because of his complications or other reasons).

It could mean he wants you to make your decision about your partner on your own and not be "the" reason you left.

Hard to say you should ask him.
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Old 18th July 2009, 12:24 PM   #13
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Thank you.

Mino you are 100% correct, boyfriends come and go... a great friendship (soul friends as you call it) last forever. Honestly, i want him as a friend forever. I know b/c of how things are right now... that is how and what it should be.

Same with you JJ, it is horriable, wrong and i feel disgusted with myself for the emotional/physical cheating... (and no blowing has been involved)--not that -that matters. cheating is cheating. And right now i am cheating -emotionally definately, along with a little bit of physical.

And the tree falling and no one hears it.. right on the money.. i think i try to justify to myself what my SO doesn't know-won't hurt him. AND HOPE to GOD, i wake up and stop doing what i am doing like TODAY!
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Old 18th July 2009, 12:32 PM   #14
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Mino, you really made me think here.. so have all others who have posted. I know and need to accept, being honest with myself and know i need to **** or get off the post --sort of speak. I just keep trying to look the other way...........
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Old 18th July 2009, 12:45 PM   #15
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and i do realize

If i l

eave, it has to be for the good of my SO and I. No one should leave another for someone else. it is not fair to all parties involved.

i do realize if i leave one day.. i truly need to be alone or date for awhile before getting into another relationship

one can know what is right, it is practicing it, and leading yourself into denial that gets you.
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