Cheif_Rain Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Hello everyone, this is my first thread. I am 25 years old (26 in 2 weeks) and am deeply in love with a woman called M. M is 33 and has been married for several years and has been very very unhappy. She has 5 girls who she loves very much and does an excellent job at raising her. Her husband L is abusive, controlling and very unpredictable. She has stuck with him though as she has no where else to go - as you can imagine, you need a very big house to fit 5 girls in. 6 months ago, a good friend of mine and M died suddenly, which both shocked our world, during this time we where there for each other, 2 months later i was made redundant and treated very badly, she was there for me too. As the months progressed, so did our love. I'm sure everyone has heard it all before, but we are very much in love, the connection we have is very strong - we are both spiritulists, and we both want to be together. M told L she didn't want to be with him anymore, L got a month off sick and pretty much kept M a prisinor for a month - she had no contact we me and very very little contact with her friends, i don't want to go into detail, but it was a horrible time for her to say the least. He was foolish in that he did things to her infront of the kids!? the only good thing about that is that they now know what daddy is capable of. Another point i must make clear is that i don not want her, or expect her, to just leave him with the girls, we both know that me being with her is her and 5 girls, and i have told her before i do not want to be a father figure to them, i would just like them to give me a chance at being their friend. So, where are we now? L is back at work and still thinks me and M are not in contact, we are, but very minimal - i do not want to put her through that again. They have benn to counselling and M has been very open and has told him, she does not love him and is physically disgusted by him touching her in any way, L is now in denial and says he will gladly stay in the relationship with her, but, he is a man, and he is still very pushy and needy, but M has not given in, she hates him for what he has done to her. So, my question is....what can/do we do? I do not think i can handle him taking her prisinor again, she has been to the hospital several times because he is literally bad for her health! stress etc - she has lost 2 stone in a month! And again, it's very easy for her to get up and go, but she has 5 girls to look after. If you have any more questions then feel free to ask them and i will be open and honest. Any help would be appreciated. Thank you for loking. Link to post Share on other sites
CheatedOnHusband Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 My take in this is that you should leave this woman alone. She is married, period. I believe you are the reason he was off sick for a month to ensure that her contact with you cease. You have not heard his side yet you lay judgement because yu are infuatuated. She has 5 girls, presumably not gainfully employed, and he goes to work to put food on the table. Whilst not minimising the strain she is going through looking after 5 girls, she probably has too much time in her hands. She needs to focus on her marriage without you intruding. Go get yourself a young woman. I believe other veterans would say the same. You being selfish from your write-up. It is no business of yours to analyse their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
SpanksTheMonkey Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Wow just wowww to the post above please note the users name is cheatedonhusband or something of that sort so that can pretty much tell you were hes coming from with that post! pay it no mind other then a bitter cheated on spouse venting.. Now I feel for her and you both of you need to be strong here she needs to get away from this abusive man! Only she can decide when shes and more importantly her girls have had enough and leave. You should be encouraging her to do so the longer she stays the worse it will be if shes in fear bring in the police if need be just get her out of there! asap. My advice wait till hes at work one day and then pack up their things and take them some were if they cant stay with you then maybe she has family? Or if worse comes to worse a womens shelter would by far be better please encourage her to be strong and leave! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheif_Rain Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Thank you Spanksthemonkey, for being understanding towards the situation. We both agree that it's all about time and as you can understand, she needs to make sure the girls don't go through anymore crap than they have already endured. It's just real frustrating, i feel powerless Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 You are powerless, but she is not. Does she have family around? Does she have a job? Does she have any assets (soley hers) that she can sell for money? If she has no family or friends to turn to for a place to live, then she can leave and go to a women's shelter. They will give her somewhere to live that is either free or cheap, along with job counseling, relationship counseling, and help with childcare while she applies for jobs. She has only been married for several years but has 5 children (implies 7-10 years of child bearing), so I assume that some of the girls are not her current H's. Can she appeal to the father of those children? She should be getting some sort of CS for them, so she can't be totally penniless. The one thing she should NOT do is to move in with you. If her H is violent, then there is no telling what he could do when the fact of her infidelity is rubbed into his face. (see the newstory of the man who put the daughter of his separated wife's boyfriend into a headlock and shot her twice in the head and killed her) She needs counseling from a group who understands violence, and who can keep her and her children safe. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 And it's a given that her girls are going to go through more crap. It's a divorce, and it's a divorce from someone you say is violent and abusive. There will be more crap. Her job is to protect them from it as much as possible and remove them from that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cheif_Rain Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Thanks, i definatly agree, we have both agreed that me moving in anytime soon after they have split is a definate no no. We just need to get her out of the house and away from him. You are correct in saying that he is not the biological father to them all, but the other father is a dead beat who moved away - to another country! She doesn't have a job but is doing her very best to find work - no matter what the hours. I have suggested a shelter but she does not want to put her kids through that either, which is understandable. My real concern is that he flips out again and takes control of her - last time he hid and broke every phone in the house so she couldn't get anywhere. Do you think i should sit down with M and come up with a "Plan" as to what to do if it ever happens again? Link to post Share on other sites
sugarmomma Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Why are you getting involved with this woman? She has so many problems. Just to name a few. History of having children with deadbeats Five small children Married to an abuser and has stayed for YEARS! No Job! Probably not much education. No Money! No support Now cheating on her abusive h with YOU! You cannot save this woman. Why do you feel that you can? She needs help and that's for sure but sleeping with her and getting emotionally involved could get YO seriously hurt. You can get her some resources for victims of domestic violence but please stop sleeping with this guy's wife. Find someone with less baggage. You deserve it! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 If the girls know what their father is capable of, they will eventually know what you are capable of too. It doesn't take a big house to raise 5 children. If they are reared with love, respect, honesty, dignity and integrity, they can be raised in a 2 room shack and be just fine. The space isn't the issue both parent's(and your) integrity are. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 he is abusive but she chose to have 5 children with him, whay would she do that? She could have stopped having babies. There are organizations in your community that help women with kids get out of abusive m, It is better for the children then to stay in a home with an abuser. She has no money, no job, hmmm are you the rescurer on a white horse? Better move on 5 kids... and an unemployed woman... not a good scene Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Dude, she is lying to you. A 33 woman is not going to leave her H(father of her children) for her 25 year old boy toy. He doesn't abuse her she is lying. 2 months down the road she will give you a reason why she can't leave just now, and then 2 months later there will be a different reason. By the way a tragic event brought you two together, once those feelings wear down so will your relationship. Stop trying to break up a family just because you are lonely and can't find a single girl. Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 How do YOU know there is abuse? You don't. IF she really is concerned - for herself and her children - she would go to a shelter. seriously -- no GOOD mother puts her children in harms way. YOU need to stay out of it. Where is her family? Why hasn't she called the police during one of these episodes of abuse? Link to post Share on other sites
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